To not really care if I wake up tomorrow

[Fartooold]

Don't fret, I'm not suicidal, I just don't care if i wake up tomorrow, or not.
I have a reasonable Life, some might say a full life, but I'm constantly searching for something to be enthused about.
My day to day life is grinding me down, caring for elderly parents, but it's more than that.
I have friends, a full social life, so much I can't fit it all in.

I'm just done.

I keep plodding on, but wondering why.
I'm 63. Not ancient, still extremely fit, a cancer survivor.
But I'm done. I've had a fab life, but I'm treading water now.

Yes, I can afford to travel. Done that.
Yes, I can volunteer. I do that.

But, without an iota of self pity, my life is done.

I had a great marriage, an incredible career, wonderful children, I now have the most incredible grand daughter, and so my job is done.
I don't know why I'm posting this really, just musing on the various stages of life, and coming to the conclusion that we are all living too long😅

I'm not unhappy, just content that I'm done. I know there will be a pile on of amazingly spritely 90,year old living incredible lives, but does anyone feel like me?

You are a victim or the adult social care hell! Looking after elderly in ill health is full on. I’m 38 and have a 70 year old parent with a progressive neurological disease (carers in 8 hours a day and I live 2 hours away) and I have a toddler. Other parent died several years ago so it’s all on me.

It’s all too much and I often wish I didn’t wake up because the stress and sheer responsibility is too much!

I appreciate that, but honestly, I'm not depressed , just content that I have had a full, reasonably happy life, have contributed in as much as raised a high flying pair of children and have an incredible grandchild.
I appreciate what i have, and won't, actively, do anything to end that, but I still,think my work here is done, and although my family, and particularly grandchild would be distraught, they are well able to thrive because of me, not despite me 😊

You are incredible, thank you xx

@Fartooold I feel exactly the same, so thank you for saying this. I thought it was just me. I have never been afraid of death, or rather, the end of my life. It is difficult to articulate for fear of minimises the struggles or health issues, others face.
@Justalittlenaughty I also, concur with your words

I'm very grateful for your post. I feel the same. I'm nearly 70 and feel quite happy and content with my daily life but I feel like I've had a great life and done everything I want to and I'm quite ready to leave quietly. I believe in God and I'm looking forward to finding out what Eternity is like. I understand that the people who love me would miss me, but I have to go one day. But I can also accept that God may have something He wants me to do on earth in the future, so I don't mind quietly waiting and enjoying my pleasant life until I find out if I have to.

I wouldn't do anything about it, so I'm not suicidal. I'm not interested in discussing it with professionals. I am interested that it has a name and is related to grief as I lost someone very dear to me unexpectedly a couple of years ago. So maybe the feeling will pass.

Yep I feel like this at 39. I don't want children because I haven't got the energy to care for them. Life is too much.

Not sure what I'm meant to say back to you.

How about curiosity 😊
If you think about it, how the world looked like 30 years ago - just focusing on technology for the purpose of this example - early 1990s vs early 2020s
Things we are seeing now - starting with us chatting like this (yes the concept of internet was there but just the beginnings) - just look at where the social networks are at the moment.
Similarly - we just started with chat gpt - can you imagine 20 years from now?
Or if you are not excited by technology progress, perhaps you can identify an old passion of yours - a place to be, a thing to do, and imagine yourself letting yourself do just that or be just there for pure enjoyment while retired.

Or if that doesn't do it for you, you can dive into exploring filmography from a certain angle and shamelessly being a couch potato in front of a tv.
And join all those weird fan clubs visiting filming locations and reviving the movie scenes etc..
Generally any hobby groups are a total blast - meeting new random people.
I can also recommend trying some stage/performance things - stand up comedy, acting...just for fun.
And finally, if you really really don't know what to do with yourself why not start a small business doing something what you really enjoy and never had courage or time to do...
Having said all you've said about already having completed 'the game' it looks like you can really do anything you wish now!!
You are so lucky 😃

This feeling came on me after a very distressing bereavement and many years of being a carer. I did not feel depressed, more like an existential crisis where I couldn't see the point of it all. I didn't even mind continuing, just that I was missing why I should and felt a sense of completeness about everything. I did hide this from those around me as no-one wants to hear their mum or someone they love can't be arsed with living anymore.

It did pass though and all of a sudden, or perhaps not that suddenly I've started feeling much more engaged in life. I don't know if I was burned out, drop in hormones, depression crept up on me or whether these are just phases and stages. I can imagine a time when I'll be very old and happy to just shut my eyes on the world, but it's not yet anyway, I may have been a little premature.

I feel the same OP and I’m only mid forties! I’m pretty sure the arrival of my granddaughter earlier this year has at some level made me feel ‘mission complete’- I mean, I feel my job as as human is done now, my genes are passed on successfully and at the bare bones of it that’s what we are biologically here to do. I’m definitely not depressed and feel more a contentedness that if I was to die, it wouldn’t really matter in the great scheme of things.

I am so Lucky! I know I am I honestly want for nothing !
I have my family, an active (-very) social life, a full life.
And yet, I amaware I'm just filling time.
Don't get me wrong, I don't actively want to die,, but I'm ready to just close my eyes for sleep and never wake up 😊

Existential crisis, but yeah...to go back to my first post then :)
I am not a professional so I do feel a bit of uncomfort reading your last sentence, it does have this underlying sadness or some feeling of emptiness behind it - can't put my finger on it. I'd still recommend talking to a professional (again, not reading into anything, it's just a well-meaning suggestion).

Same. I’m 51, childless, gripped in perimenopause, just feel like a pointless person. Yes, I am on HRT. The thought of working until I am 67 makes me want to howl

Your post is really interesting; thank you for putting your feelings into words.
Out of interest, how old is your granddaughter and you said you’d had a good marriage, are you still married?
I’m wondering about grief… or maybe loss is a better way of saying it... The loss of being a mother to young children maybe; the loss of youth? When someone I loved dearly died, I felt like the world lost all of its colour and I really felt that there was nothing to look forward to anymore. I was living but not getting excited or looking forward to stuff or working for stuff. It may not be grief or loss related, but I thought I would mention.

Also, I was a thinking about David Attenborough…. he seems (it may be my fantasy about him) to be curious and excited and learning and to be exploring in his nineties. I have this fantasy in my mind that he would love another twenty years to keep doing what he is passionate about! What have been your passions in the past, maybe when you were 5 or 15 years old? Languages/music/dance/evolution/art…? I wonder if you can remember the little girl you were and what she was excited about and curious about? She will still be there inside you

I understand what you’re saying, OP. My children are still teenagers so I need to be around for several more years, plus my elderly Dad needs support. But once they don’t need me anymore, I don’t feel the need to be around for decades.

I’m not comfortable with this feeling though, so I’ve made a plan to do something different with my life over the next decade (only shared it with DH). I think that I need a new challenge tbh.

Is there anything you’ve always wanted to try? Are you growing or building anything?

I’ll be honest, I don’t volunteer anymore. One organization I volunteered with was very strict and I realized…they’re not grateful for me they’re treating the volunteer program almost like a hindrance. I grew up Catholic and was always told ‘think of others first’ which drained me and left me empty. Now I acknowledge that it’s ok to want to have fun. It’s ok to have a weekend where I’m not sacrificing something for my family or volunteering. I’m younger than you are, I still work etc, but I just have accepted I can take time for me and take on small projects I’m interested in.

I do things like try to grow plants that aren’t right for the climate. I got a cotton plant to grow in an old takeaway coffee cup and kept it alive for over a year, it actually produced one boll and a few seeds before dying. I tried Dungeons and Dragons (not for me) and improv (kind of for me). I measured my friend’s dog today and am going to start knitting a sweater for him tonight or tomorrow. I still like making and building things, that’s what keeps me excited to wake up. Not my job or commitments for things I feel like I ‘have’ to do.

It’s good to live in acceptance, and a lot of people fight aging instead of dealing with it. But you can still try out a hobby and feel excited about making or building something. You don’t have to stop being excited about things, even small things. You can try something you’ve always wanted to try even if it’s silly to other people.

but does anyone feel like me?

Nope

Why are you posting this

I can totally relate to this - I’m 60 and not at all depressed - I do have a lot of other health issues and a very stressful job which just means I’m exhausted all the time! I do enjoy life but if I went to sleep tonight and didn’t wake up that would also be ok!
I’m done! I’ve been an amazing daughter, wife and mother but if I died tonight whilst I know my DC would be devastated I would leave them financial security I’ve never known and I would never be a burden to them like my elderly DM with dementia is to me
I am just tired with life

I feel exactly the same and have done for a few years.

This post made me really sad. my dad is older than you. maybe he feels this way. i live a distance from my parents and dont rely on them for financial or other support so they may think they have lived their full lives having raised children who are now independant with children of their own, but i'll be truly broken the day i have to say goodbye to either one of them and although i know i'll pick myself up, i am also sure that life would never be the same again. I just wana give my dad a huge hug right now.

Some people evidently do. You don't. How is your post in any way helpful?

Please seek some help. It's not normal to feel this way at your age. You potentially have decades ahead of you.

Thought-provoking post, this. I suspect more people than would admit it are busy trying to ignore the uncomfortable truth OP has stated. Maybe a lot of people live in the past for that reason.

I’ve heard much, much older people say ‘yup, that’ll do’ but I’m twenty years younger than you OP and I sort of feel the first murmuring of what you’ve written. Not close to the same ‘I’m done’ feeling, more like knowing I will be done. Like being a very realistic android who knows my obsolescence is pre-programmed.

Unlike you I feel I could have done more with my life so far. Then again, I’ve achieved a lot compared to many. None of us have had to worry where our next meal is coming from, I married a decent man and have fantastic kids. I do often think ‘these are the good old days.’ I try to be aware of my own luck and cherish the moment when I’m not stressed to buggery. And to remember the line ‘too much fucking perspective.’ (Spinal Tap) 😂

Here’s some things I’d like to know, though - could you see a point to or benefit in not feeling this way? And - do you believe your life could still be enrichable (not even a word, is it) by some renewed purpose? Or even struggle?

I know you mean well but really you can’t say that with any certainty. I’m quite sure most of my family would barely miss a step if I disappeared tomorrow. Everyone is so busy with their own lives, work, children, partners, friends. Ancient parents are at best handy babysitters once in a while and at worst a bloody drag on one’s time and energy. But most of the time just …nothing.

Maybe this is why I’m feeling low - my mum has cancer and probably dementia and I’m running to the hospital almost every day. Feels like I’ve no life left. When her mum was in failing health she was in her 40s. I’m 65 and have health issues of my own and other family problems. It’s all too much. I just want it to stop.

Wow! I'm 65 - retirement age here - and I feel like my life is just beginning. No more having to work pointless jobs, ever, that's more than enough to make me want to keep waking up.

I have no partner, no children, no parents, no siblings, my last cat recently died, no really close friends, and yet I am happy and want to carry on for as long as possible. I really can't imagine feeling "done" at 63.