To not really care if I wake up tomorrow

[Fartooold]

Don't fret, I'm not suicidal, I just don't care if i wake up tomorrow, or not.
I have a reasonable Life, some might say a full life, but I'm constantly searching for something to be enthused about.
My day to day life is grinding me down, caring for elderly parents, but it's more than that.
I have friends, a full social life, so much I can't fit it all in.

I'm just done.

I keep plodding on, but wondering why.
I'm 63. Not ancient, still extremely fit, a cancer survivor.
But I'm done. I've had a fab life, but I'm treading water now.

Yes, I can afford to travel. Done that.
Yes, I can volunteer. I do that.

But, without an iota of self pity, my life is done.

I had a great marriage, an incredible career, wonderful children, I now have the most incredible grand daughter, and so my job is done.
I don't know why I'm posting this really, just musing on the various stages of life, and coming to the conclusion that we are all living too long😅

I'm not unhappy, just content that I'm done. I know there will be a pile on of amazingly spritely 90,year old living incredible lives, but does anyone feel like me?

Another here suffering a similar feeling and a sense of existential crisis. For me widowhood nearly three years ago was the catalyst. As a result all the domino's fell down - lost my business, had to downsize due to home landlord selling up and am now in the thick of geriatric roulette - my elderly parents separated this year and my whole focus is now running interference for my frail elderly DF while my SM goes unpleasantly round the bend. Honestly the last three years have been one long round of "you couldn't make this shit up".

I've weathered a few storms in my life but my ability to "pick myself up dust myself down and start all over again" has deserted me. I don't have the financial wherewithal to do anything except keep a roof over my head, and employment prospects are bleak.

I think the points about our role in society as women is an interesting one. Adult DC have their own lives and being a burden is the ultimate sin. I do have my health, but mentally I'm absolutely done with everything. Obviously I wouldn't do anything stupid, because that would be awful for my family and the few friends I have left. But I feel very obligated to sit in the carer box which means I feel it's pointless to try and do anything else because it seems every time I try the Universe throws yet another curveball and some crisis has to be managed. I'm an only child as was my late DP and we have 5 / 6 parents still in play - yay for blended families!

I feel pretty much disconnected from "the real world" and any sort of support is such a bureaucratic nightmare to access. I do have a fabulous social prescriber who I entertain with my woes in as amusing a fashion as I can for an hour once a month, but really, what can anyone really do for me except express sympathy or more annoyingly, pity.

So I'm pretty zen in many ways because being anything else is too exhausting. And I'm well aware plenty of other people have it worse.

I think the brave new world we live in comes with some unrealistic expectations. Losing the love of my life was not an opportunity to carve out a brand new shiny life for myself. It was shocking, brutal, and has turned things upside down, all against my expectations and will, yet people seem to think I should just get over it and negativity is verboten.

I often use the expression "surviving out of spite" but secretly, I wouldn't mind if I didn't.

So solidarity to all feeling this kind of thing.

I know I'm a bit different in terms of circumstance to the OP but the sentiment is resonant so I hope no-one minds me chiming in.

I felt like this too, caring for a child with additional needs is just like groundhog day and I genuinely didn’t care if I woke up in the morning or not. Almost longed for the day when being me would end and I could just rest. Felt like all the fun and laughter of life was over for me and my life was done.

Then one day I said all this to a friend as we were sharing a biscuit and I thought she’d be shocked but she asked me to tell her what she should do when she was only down to the last few biscuits - should she throw them away? I just laughed and and said why would you throw them away, they’re just as good as the ones at the top of the pack.

She said well there you go, our days are like these biscuits, they all have equal value, the day you were born, the day you were married, today and all the tomorrows to come.

Apparently it was something she’d read in a book and it had stayed with her. It’s probably a bit trite but I could see the truth in it and it did shift my perspective a bit. I’m not sky diving or wind surfing or anything dramatic like that but I do now remind myself that I am worth the same as I always was, that my time is just as valuable as it ever was. I’ve taken up yoga, go for walks, read more, plant vegetables, do things that make me feel nice in the small rare moments that I have for myself. Started listening to music more too. I find that I look forward to things now, the day where I can balance on one leg in yoga class, when I can eat something I planted, finding out how a book ends etc. Tiny little things really but it’s value. Getting to know new people has also re-energised me a little.

Your feelings are totally valid and understandable and it’s brave of you to voice them and risk being judged. I hope that amazing courage will eventually serve you in other ways so that you find the things that life can still offer you.

I know what you mean. I am aiming for 85 years of life maximum.

That said, last time I felt that way I spoke to the GP and she upped my HRT and now I’m much more engaged with life again.

I know what you mean as well. I’m not at that stage yet but really can’t see the point in carrying on once I’m no longer able to get any enjoyment from life. The idea of sitting in a chair day in, day out with someone getting me in and out of bed holds absolutely no appeal whatsoever. An off switch is an excellent idea.

If you don’t wake up in the morning you won’t be aware of it. There will be no enjoyment in having your wish granted.
People usually wish for something that will bring them happiness.

I feel like that but I've had a shit life.

Don't underestimate the impact of caring for elderly parents. It is the most miserable and draining experience I've ever had. It is ruining my life. It's likely to go on for years and I can't bear the prospect. But have to just keep putting up with it. Listening to the endless complaints and frustrations of old people who have had their life, but now want me to devote mine to them.

Unbearable.

I had to quote this because thats exactly it.....in one sentence. I'm not depressed, I'm at peace. And that sums me up. I see no point in carrying on for another 20 odd years. For what? I've been there, seen it, done it...several times over. Got the t shirt. Have built a legacy that hopefully my kids will carry on with. So what is the point in just dragging myself through the days, eventually possibly becoming a burden on everybody around me?

I get where you're coming from OP. I'm 76 and suffer from exhaustion for which the GP cannot find the cause. Many nights I go to sleep and think about not waking up. I know my kids and grandchildren would be distraught though. Also I have a DP whose wife took her own life and would find it impossible to face another traumatic loss.

@MistressoftheDarkSide deepest sympathy and empathy.

Actually, I think if you're not actually suicidal and you have a nice life, it must feel nice to feel that if you die tomorrow you'll have done all you wanted, met all the people you wanted to meet, visited all the places you want to visit, learnt all you wanted to learn.
I feel sad that because we started late I won't get to meet any grandkids. Because of a poorly child and money I've not travelled as much as I wanted.

At 63 I'll still be working and saving for retirement, my eldest will be 30 and my twins 25. I definitely will feel like I'm still running around trying to finish my life's to do list.

There is a difference between feeling like this temporarily and assuming that you will feel that way for the rest of your life.

OP you have taken the feelings you are currently experiencing and made the leap that because right now you don't have a goal, and your previous goals have been achieved, that you won't ever have anything left which drives you to get up in the morning and look for the next day. Do you think there's a possibility this feeling is temporary? Probably, as you & PPs have identified, not helped by the caring responsibilities you currently have?

What's that saying... to get what you want, you have to give what you have?

Do you want... purpose....

Therefore look at what you have and 'give' that.

Sometimes we have things that we don't really realise we have. You say you're ground down by caring... but you do have agency. So use that agency to change your caring role... outsource things, ringfence your time and energy.

You also clearly have amazing mental capacity. Use that to... learn something new, help others, teach, do learning support, whatever.

Do you have space in your home? What could you use that for perhaps?

You're fit... what could your 'give' be from that perhaps?

And whilst you may feel 'done' can you change this to 'fortunate' and 'satisfied' and again, 'give' some of this to gain the purpose you crave?

And if you can't see the point, what do you have to lose from all these 'gives'? Absolutely nothing. We can't take time, space, capability with us when we die. So you might as well get on with using what you have.

Humans aren't designed to be too comfortable... in the mists of time, comfortable humans inevitably got eaten by predators or became unfit and left behind.

Use what you have and it will bring you the joy and purpose you crave I'm sure.

But life is just what you're doing right now. Even all through that past when you built that career and had those children and attached yourself to all those ideas about what made you "you" in that process - none of that was actually life. Life was the process, as you experienced it.

All your ideas about yourself are based on the past. They can't be otherwise, because you derived them from your past experiences. But life is the present, and often contradicts those ideas.

Your life sounds hard, but the challenges you face will not last forever. It will move on.

Great thread that applies to many, even though for the most part we who are healthy, financially secure, with a good social support system are considered "very lucky", and "hasn't she got a great life, no worries, I wish I had her stamina" blah blah blah.

67 now and I'm done with professional work, did the caring for both parents and younger sister before they all died on me. The caring wasn't full time at all, but it was "full on" when it was my slot IYSWIM. It's hard to switch from that back to a full on job, so I know the toll it takes.

Anyway..... for me I am now just a lazy mare. I could do anything I wanted to do, go anywhere, buy anything and so on. But I procrastinate so much! I'm also not bothered with material things. I travelled the world when younger and although I could go anywhere now I can't be bothered much. The hassle of travelling these days puts me right off.

I am solo now and live alone. I wouldn't have it any other way. I can be my lazy indulgent self and not answer to anyone, do something or nothing. But like OP I'm done. I'm not depressed in the slightest, in fact I have a wry and cynical outlook on life, consumerism (especially at this time), keeping up with the Jones's and all that crap. I laugh a lot, enjoy company but I enjoy my own company the best!

I think the way I deal with inertia is to go with it and not worry in the slightest what others say, like "oh you should be doing this and that". They can all F off and live their own lives thank you!

I really don't know what I was trying to say here lol.

This thread makes me feel a whole lot better about being done at 47 😂

Full time carer to my profoundly disabled child and always will be unless we stick her in care which is a hideous thought.

I completely understand your feelings OP but my situation is very different. I'm not depressed but I am done. I used to have a free and active and full life but now I'm heading for my beloved mum's (my best friend in the whole world) passing and either putting my child in care with strangers or caring for her until I drop dead.

So yep, my future is clear, at least two unbearable things guaranteed for me so frankly if I don't wake up tomorrow I wouldn't care at all!

The "other people's expectations" thing is an interesting one. I was sucked into it when my DP died, and looking back I wish I'd had the strength to resist the admittedly well-meaning cheerleading which was almost panicked in its intensity, and which left me making decisions based on what other people thought rather than what I wanted or needed.

I didn't have a frame of reference for this experience so I was far too invested in what other people thought I should be doing and as a result spent valuable time chasing my tail and getting nowhere.

Now I politely decline the suggestions and advice that I know will not work or be possible, and so help me Gods, any hint of "manifestation" bollocks can do one. I'm not just putting obstacles in my own way, I'm looking at all the factors and can't just magic up the ingredients of a new business / hobby / friend circle out of thin air in my current situation. Yes, I'd like to change things but I can't right now.

A fair few people seem to take it very personally if you say "that doesn't work for me, thanks" as if you're denying them their sheer force of will as they want to apply it to your life. I don't know if I'm expressing that terribly well but I know what I mean.

@MistressoftheDarkSide these feelings also came about for me after the death of my husband before 50 so I can relate to that entirely.

In nearly all these stories, which I relate to very much, I notice everyone is done caring for very dependent children, elderly parents, also many in peri or menopause. As well as at a life stage which isn't massively valued in society.

I can't explain how I shifted back to wanting to live again, I'd be a little peeved if I died now as I have stuff to do (mainly writing, being a parent, leading new projects). I can related though with feeling like you've done everything and just want to sleep, I'm not sure though that hitting that in late thirties or forties as some are on this thread, or even 60's and 70's is a great thing- we all of us likely have decades to go, so unless you are able to drop dead on command, we have to continue.

That's what I told myself, I have to continue as it would be too awful for everyone else if I did not, and over time I slowly engaged with life again. The best thing for me has been to turn outwards instead of inwards, I realise now that my life was tiring, exhausting and only focused on my own small family and burned me out, now I'm trying to use my very limited and modest resources to just make tiny incremental things better for someone else or something else- could be your cat, or taking in a foster dog, or rescuing an animal, or helping a student or someone in your wider family. I don't think we are good at assessing our own contributions and I don't think we necessarily know when we have mattered to others, often it's just that kindness to a friend in distress or doing a meal at Christmas to include a friend who otherwise might feel left out. I don't mean self-sacrifice at all, and certainly not running round to the whims of your family, more just seeing where you can make a difference in the world, because you can, even if you don't feel like you are and wish you weren't!

@MistressoftheDarkSide I didn't see your second post, but yes, I relate to this as well. It does piss others off when you can't grieve to order and persist in being subdued and not forward looking for a long time. Funnily enough, it was when I stopped placing huge pressure on myself to move forward, and basically held up my hands and said I know my life will never be the same, is a bit pointless without him, and I can't get over it (in my head, not out loud), I felt a lot better. I think accepting you are sad, and sad for years and years, and may never be happy again in the same way is perfectly ok in this situation, and things may shift, they may not. Don't take any notice of them, they are just frightened to face the existential abyss of loss of purpose- you are looking it square in the eye.

@fartooold This is exactly how I feel about life. I've had a good life with the usual ups and downs. My kids are grown and my GC are past the point of needing a lot of care. I enjoy my life and have lots of friends and interests, but I don't want to hang around for the next 20 years. I especially don't want to get to the point where I need to be cared for by my DC or to pay an astronomical amount for a care home.
I would like to be able to choose and press the off switch!

I know this thread isn't about assisted dying but I always think those threads highlight how some people can't accept when someone else tells them that they are ready for their life to end. They have to pathologize it or blame it on some other factors (economic, social, political) that could be tweaked and all the sudden someone would change their mind. It drives me mad!

We know in all other aspects of life that we all have different tolerances for the duration of different things. Some of us enjoy long movies, walks, conversations etc and some just don't. Why wouldn't this be true for living life itself? Why can't someone rationally decide that they don't derive much enjoyment from life anymore and that they are done with it?

Yes. Thank you. Agree.

Is this your first day on a message board?

I think for many people, living life means accomplishing goals. Life a list full of projects. When the project is achieved, pride, contentment, fulfillment is reached and life is good.

Then gradually, it gets harder to find 'projects' that give the same buzz once achieved. They are either not so fulfilling, or they have already been done, or health limits us.

What I think needs to happen at this stage is to shift the mindset of a compliment and instead find pleasure and contentment in the present experience.

Take travelling. It's great to plan a special trip, discover new things, record the experience, show others etc... it's however possible to travel, and get real pleasure from it but simply observing people, enjoying the taste of the meal, being grateful for the warmth and sunlight. It's just a different to get the endorphins going.

I think I hear you, OP.

I'm wealthy, healthy, have great DCs and a loving ex, do stuff and have friends and hobbies - and absolutely could not care if I never lived another day. Not depressed, not struggling with aging, not lacking in "meaning", just ready for it to end. Your OP really resonated.

From a biological perspective you're absolutely right. Your DNA is continuing in the world as you've fulfilled your genetic imperative and, were we salmon, your body would have rotted and fed your offspring as part of your life cycle. Unlike other mammals, humans are designed for our fertility to cease so we have no small children of our own when our older DC are fertile - so we have capacity to help them in raising their own babies - and then to die.

As a sentient being, we've been curious, mentally engaged in learning and discovering for 60 odd years. But what is there that's new, stimulating? Fuck all, in my case. I've read all the books, seen all the films, travelled all the places, blah blah. Yes I could "take up" new "hobbies" or "interests", but that would be to fill in time, a faux engagement where previously I had experienced deeply felt engagement. Possible, even pleasurable at the time, but not meaningful.

As a social being, I've had the friends - and still do, loads of them - all ages and flavours. and they bring me fun and some sense of connection and provide a mirror of some kind. But the vibrancy of meeting and making a new friend has gone. Another human? Same old stuff, just a marginally different wrapper.

As a spiritual being, I've spent years in counselling, self discovery, read all the stuff, practiced all the stuff, and it's as though I now know myself, and accept myself. There is more to find and do and think - but it's more of the same.

I wish that Narnia or any magical world was real, to experience something new, at 60 years old.