Cancelling Christmas Pt 2 - Updates

[Grinch123]

Hi all,

Know the last thread here filled up very quickly and there were so many wonderful and supportive comments that got me through a very tough 24 hours! Thank you if you contributed, it meant a lot 🙂

Starting a part 2 to provide updates/vent, (and take any Disney planning advice 😂) as a few people have asked and also I know I'll need more support over the next few weeks as it's been tough! If you want to stick around on this thread, I'd appreciate it.

Updates from yesterday:

Dropped off all Christmassy foods/stocking fillers etc at our local Foodbank. Couldn't get through to anyone at the charity that supports refuges - I'm in the office today but have emailed a nearby school to see if they want the bits to raffle off at their fayre this weekend.

Locks are changed! Thought this was a bit of an overreaction but DSis tried to come over again last night (we weren't in) so I guess not.

Told DD about Disney, she's ridiculously excited and I think young enough she doesn't realise this = missing out on a 'family' Christmas. Also bought festive Minnie PJs and Christmas ears online.

Family are being a nightmare. I have messages from all of them on pretty much any site you can message a person on (WhatsApp/messenger/texts/loads of missed calls) - everything from begging/emotional manipulation, to being told to F off (by a parent!) for screwing up Christmas because I like to use my money to control everyone and play with peoples feelings 😅 Also messages from mutual friends checking in because siblings have told them I've 'lost the plot' ~ and a concerned call from DDs nursery, evidently one of them has called the nursery worried about my mental health and asked if they could check in?! Thankfully the nursery haven't shared any info with them at all (they don't do any pick ups etc) but it was a painful conversation to have!

I've disassociated with it and messaged them all, once, along the lines of 'life is really busy at the moment, will look forward to catching up when we get back but I do need some space.' I think it's been a scales dropping from my eyes moment, because I'm sure lots of this would've worked on me in the past, but now it's just making me mad 😬

That was my thought too. Claim what they feel is “rightfully theirs” - absolutely shocking

Well done for standing up to them and being firm.

One thing to consider is it may be a little cold for Discovery Cove so you should do a bit of research before you book. We love Discovery Cove but It's mostly outdoors swimming in lazy rivers, reefs with ton of fish, sting rays etc and you can wear a wet suit which will help but just to set expectations.

It's not going to be freezing like the UK but still cool for Orlando. It's a bit too far out to get more accurate forecast but you could also easily have a warm day so maybe book it closer to the day when the forecast are more accurate.

Just read all the OP posts on these two threads over my lunch break - you are absolutely FABULOUS, OP. Enjoy your adventure Christmas with your DD xxx

Undeniably, but this kind of decisiveness never happens as an overnight process. OP was already at the 'straw that broke the camel's back' stage when she posted. It takes a long time, a lot of abuse and the very end of a person's tether to go scorched earth in this way. And the speed and severity of the pushback is not something that's 'made up'. It's an established pattern and a recognised phenomenon, both in psychological parlance and in many, many stories of familial abuse.

Those who are troll-hunting and making facetious comments about moving icebergs are clearly unfamiliar with such patterns as these. They should consider themselves fortunate.

And everyone is right - it IS shocking. Totally shocking.

Not to me, as like you I have a very unkind family that only survives on the oxygen of dysfunction.

How about we hang up our mother Christmas capes once and for all, drop the rope and learn to enjoy a Christmas ourselves. We can hug our children, enjoy the festivities and lean into a different kind of Christmas entirely created for us, by us. Embracing a new chapter that models something wholesome and meaningful to our own dc. Our family of choice ❤️🤶🏻

Fuck me, my jaw was on the floor over the secret WhatsApp group that you 'wouldn't want to see', and then they called your kids' nursery... wow.
I'm sure it's been said, but keep plenty of screenshots and recordings of horrible messages, just in case they escalate their audacious behaviour.

I don't think I've ever been this invested in someone having a bloody lovely Christmas!

Personally I would not bother, what you have said is enough for now , let them fester for a while to do some thinking its been quite a shock to them LOL

Feel the Force

They are getting dangerous now. Your message should tell them that any further harassment will be reported to the police, and then block them on all platforms and tell your friends you don't wish to hear about or from them.

What vultures. Obviously at the minute everything is go, go, go and exciting for Disney but once Christmas is done and things calm down and you reflect maybe think about organising some therapy for yourself after all of this chaos from them to keep you going

You knew deep down it was all one sided, no one bothered buying you or you dd a token present to unwrap on the day, wanting your daughter to feel you were all part of a big loving family so you had to buy the presents and pretend they had bought her something, they all put in their lists of expensive presents they expected you to buy. You had planned, paid for and cooked for them all to create a magical Christmas every year. You got a message on family WhatsApp group saying they going to do Secret Santa this year knowing you had already got theirs!

Their words and actions since you told them you had other plans and won’t be hosting show you the kind of people they are but when you look back Op they never tried to hide how awful they are.

Going forwards you need to heal and acknowledge you so wanted them to be this loving supportive family that YOU had to buy gifts pretending they were from family for dd. YOU had to provide a lavish magical Christmas so they would all turn up excited for their big expensive gifts. They were never that kind of family nor will they ever be, the scales have fell from your eyes now, but you placed them over your eyes to begin with. You had to do all the running and buying so your family could appear loving and supportive of you and dd, but they were never the family you’ve always yearned for and wished they were.
x

This!

@DowntonNabby has totally nailed it!

You cannot EVER forgive this!

I am so, so happy you stood your ground OP!

Have the most fabulous and amazing holiday and I would be making this a yearly tradition too, as in have a fabulous Christmas/New Year holiday every, single year and never host them again!

And give yourself a lot of space and leave the WhatsApp Group too!

I am doing a Happy Dance for you OP!

You are going to have a wonderful Disney Christmas. I’m really excited on yours and your DDs behalf! If you haven’t already, see if you can add the memory maker to your package or purchase it when you’re there - you’ll be able to get lots of amazing pictures of you and your DD together.

Are they chasing after you because you've gone quiet? Was there cause for your sister to be concerned when she came round or did you hold it together. You are probably feeling hurt, deep down by it all which is reasonable and the family are reacting to a change in your behaviour too as well as feeling miffed about losing out.

I'd send something like, thankyou for all your messages of overwhelming support and concern. It must be strange that I'm doing something a bit different this year. I'm sure you all mean to send good wishes and are really happy for us to be having a once in a life time, magical xmas trip. This doesn't mean that I'm unwell! On the contrary, I've never felt better, we are really excited so there's no need to worry. I've been quiet as I am busy planning, lots to do! As I said before I have hosted many family Christmases before but I feel this arrangement isn't working for us anymore and It would be nice next time if someone else could host, or happy to take it in turns so everything is equitable and fair. I have been generous in the past but this hasn't always gone down well and it appears others have found that to be controlling or demeaning at times and that doesn't sit well with me, so it won't ever happen again. Hope you all have a wonderful time and will see you all in the new year. Merry Christmas all.

This. And your sister trying to enter your property when you clearly weren't home? Be very careful OP, they will stoop lower given the chance.

Well done, OP. If wherever you live is anything like down here in Somerset the weather has been so grey and dark; the sunny weather will do you the world of good.

It might be worth checking some of the summery bits still fit your DD; pre-schoolers have a nasty habit of shooting up when you aren't paying attention. Check with somebody who knows about that sort of thing whether or not you should pack mossie spray.

My god, I can't believe your family Grinch. They don't even buy a gift for your DD. Unbelievable!!

Well done in standing up for yourself and I hope the final recipient of the gifts you bought for your 'family' appreciate them so much more.

Honestly, my mouth is still hanging open at the bloody gall of them! If we had a sister like you, you would be cherished and protected for wanting to give us all such a thoughtful, perfect Christmas.

I hope you and your darling daughter enjoy Disney ❤️

Wow. This actually made me go cold. Totally justified based on your earlier post alone but I strongly suspect (based on some similar experience) that all of their selfishness and meanness has permeated other areas too over the years and you probably only scratched the surface of your history with your family in your earlier post. Well done. As someone looking outside in, this seems like the only decision you could have sensibly made in these circumstances.

They've contacted her daughter's nursery to say she's mentally unwell, tried to get access to her property when she wasn't there, send reams of abusive messages, including one parent telling her to f-off, and had a separate WA chat set up in which to slag her off, and you think she should be sending a jolly message to pacify them and keep them on side?

For the love of all things sane, do NOT do this @Grinch123!

I'm not sure if it has been mentioned, OP, but after Xmas, when the dust has settled a bit, would you consider therapy?

It is really common in abusive families for the oldest child, especially if they are girls, to be parentified and trained to be people pleasers. (Ask me how I know!)

Sometimes the people pleaser reaches a point where they look at their life and realise that they are doing all the giving and getting nothing in return, and withdraws their services. It can be a really difficult time and stir up a lot of big feelings. Plus the people who were quite happy for the people pleaser to fill that role can find it hard to accept that things have changed.

It can be really helpful to talk this through with a third party.

Hope you have a lovely Xmas. X.

I wish I was as wet behind the ears/ young as you …. But reality is spiteful people are petty and vindictive I hope you never find out

Nothing like your situation, OP, but I ended a long term friendship a couple of years ago and ex friend’s mother apparently told another mutual friend that I was “being strange” (I wasn’t, I was just enforcing a boundary - things had been shit for a while and nothing I tried was improving the situation, and I stated the reasons I wanted to move on); not that you wouldn’t have already realised, but it is your family being weird and losing the plot here, not you.
I’m glad you’re moving on and doing what you want.

Why would she send that? It would be insane to send that sort of message to people who are prepared to go behind her back to call the dd's nursery and accuse her of mh problems and to try and break into her house!

The greed of the family's actions is off the scale - a better message would be to tell them that the gifts and food have all been donated.

Have they ? Is it the Carribbean one you're talking about ? Sister had been trying to get PC to Bahamas but there's only cruises left the week after Christmas finishing up on the 29th Dec and no dates over the new year, there was I think one date PC to Carribbean for 7 days but that was over 8k euro per person.

Exactly this!