Cancelling Christmas Pt 2 - Updates

[Grinch123]

Hi all,

Know the last thread here filled up very quickly and there were so many wonderful and supportive comments that got me through a very tough 24 hours! Thank you if you contributed, it meant a lot 🙂

Starting a part 2 to provide updates/vent, (and take any Disney planning advice 😂) as a few people have asked and also I know I'll need more support over the next few weeks as it's been tough! If you want to stick around on this thread, I'd appreciate it.

Updates from yesterday:

Dropped off all Christmassy foods/stocking fillers etc at our local Foodbank. Couldn't get through to anyone at the charity that supports refuges - I'm in the office today but have emailed a nearby school to see if they want the bits to raffle off at their fayre this weekend.

Locks are changed! Thought this was a bit of an overreaction but DSis tried to come over again last night (we weren't in) so I guess not.

Told DD about Disney, she's ridiculously excited and I think young enough she doesn't realise this = missing out on a 'family' Christmas. Also bought festive Minnie PJs and Christmas ears online.

Family are being a nightmare. I have messages from all of them on pretty much any site you can message a person on (WhatsApp/messenger/texts/loads of missed calls) - everything from begging/emotional manipulation, to being told to F off (by a parent!) for screwing up Christmas because I like to use my money to control everyone and play with peoples feelings 😅 Also messages from mutual friends checking in because siblings have told them I've 'lost the plot' ~ and a concerned call from DDs nursery, evidently one of them has called the nursery worried about my mental health and asked if they could check in?! Thankfully the nursery haven't shared any info with them at all (they don't do any pick ups etc) but it was a painful conversation to have!

I've disassociated with it and messaged them all, once, along the lines of 'life is really busy at the moment, will look forward to catching up when we get back but I do need some space.' I think it's been a scales dropping from my eyes moment, because I'm sure lots of this would've worked on me in the past, but now it's just making me mad 😬

My thoughts, too. Better safe than sorry

@Grinch123 I wish you the best of luck and well done for standing up to them. Just to say maybe contact your local Mission Christmas appeal if you have anything left? They donate presents to children who would otherwise go without, I know from my work that teenagers often have little as people buy for toddlers/young children. Things like the Lego/Uggs would be cherished. Have a wonderful holiday 💐

You should be very proud of yourself Grinch123 for standing up to your selfish family. I don’t know you but I am still proud of you for how you have handled this situation.

I wish you and your DD a wonderful Disney holiday.

OP - are you on the 5-night cruise from Fort Lauderdale?

She’s amazing isn’t she

@Grinch123 - my advice when you do head off for your new and improved Christmas break and celebrations would be to make sure your home alarm is set (can you change the number on the panel too, if your sister knows it). Let a neighbour know that you're going away and if they wouldn't mind keeping an eye out on your place.

Would anyone be able to let themselves in the back way of your property without arousing suspicion? I'd make really certain that all entrances/exits were monitored so that you could make sure your place is really secure.

I would be thinking that your sister was trying to get in to your home so that she could bundle up any and all gifts and leave with them (as they clearly weren't going to be having Christmas with you, so why wouldn't they have the gifts you bought them at the very least???) so I'm really pleased that you changed the lock as quickly as you did.

I'm not sure it will stop them trying to access your home though when you're not around so I'd stop sharing so much information about your plans with them - they don't deserve to know even as much as they do already.

They just know I'm away! DSis was trying to figure it out when she came over and was convincing me she needed to come too 😂 But I was vague. It'll also be Ubers to the airport - I may be splurging on this but £300+ airport parking is not going to happen!

I don't think they'd do any slashing tyres/calling customs etc. After this thread I am worried about Social Services and the police, especially with the calling the nursery for my mental health. Very on brand for my family, so we'll see. It did make me laugh that they mentioned to nursery the family history of mental illnesses - THEIR mental illnesses! It's hard to explain but they never do anything that's outright a lie or theft. So they'll have worked themselves into a state where they truly believe I've gone off the rails and am a danger to me/DD. It's not done maliciously.

OP you are an absolute Queen. Have the best Christmas ever.

@Grinch123 you and your daughter are the loving family you’ve wanted, you made your own. You can surround yourself with good friends who won’t take advantage of you nor go into a rage when they don’t get what they want.

OP I have been cheering for you so hard since I discovered your thread. I feel your pain as I am also a first daughter/ elder sister sick of doing much of the giving and getting very little in return. Came on here to say, in case anyone hasn't suggested it, BLOCK THEM ALL ON EVERYTHING!!!! Enjoy the radio silence. Unblock when you come back if you feel like it.

I do find that sometimes you have to go nuclear to make people shape up. In their selfishness and envy, it doesn't occur to them that you have feelings until you express them. So I would say, keep being your wonderful self and hopefully they will come round and realise that you are entitled to your boundaries and they have to respect them if they want the benefit of being in your life.

That extra group chat that you're not on to see them slagging you off would have been the last straw for me tbh. The ingratitude and entitlement would have done me in. As you say, it's not the size of the gift, it's the fact that they thought of you long enough to select it, wrap it up, write your name on it, give it to you and take joy in your pleasure at receiving it. It's heartbreaking to think your own flesh and blood refuse to care that much about you.

My sympathies, my congratulations for sticking up for yourself, and my best wishes that you will be able to carve out that kind of love for yourself somehow - whether through your family coming to their senses, or discovering your own chosen family outside of shared DNA. Sending you the priciest virtual bunch of flowers out there! 💐

I'd be inclined to send a WhatsApp along the lines of:
Dear family. Thank you for the feedback that you think I control you with money. I would never want to do that so I'm taking that on board and in future will just match whatever you do in terms of presents, celebrations, loans etc so that no one feels uncomfortable. Dd and I are having a quiet Xmas in a little cottage we've found in the Lake District.

Edited for typos.

I think they're trying to suggest that this is not a genuine thread.

I have been watching and cheerleading you as a lurker but I had to comment after the above!

”its not done maliciously”

i am sorry OP but it is, they can convince themselves it’s true they can try and convince others and they can say it’s for your own good but it is malicious and manipulative and I am sorry to say, they know it. Enjoy Disney,

Thank you so much @Petrasings this is all fab advice. I'm powering through at the moment but there will definitely be moments of hurt to deal with (and loads to unpack in therapy in 2025!)

I definitely will keep an eye on things financially - I've never been daft enough to share details of bank cards etc but there was one instance of a loan attempted in my name that I don't have proof for it being family, but strong suspicions - I now get emails every time anything goes on my credit file.

Well there's an element of sarcasm at their over the top reaction, whilst clearly saying op isn't unwell, also getting in there the imbalance of generosity, trying to reason it from their side and also keeping the peace rather than riling them up any further

Yes it will be unthinkable to them that you have changed and morphed into someone they don’t recognise. They thought you would cave, because you always have.

They can’t make sense of it all, because you unfailingly step up ( not a compliment btw because it’s come at such huge personal cost to you and your dd) so of course it is a breakdown/a crisis or some other mental health issue because god forbid the worm has actually turned and is now disappearing into the sunset.

The incredulity is real.
The concern might even be real.
But it’s only concern for themselves op, because you are not performing in your allocated role and nor are you delivering the goods they feel entitled to.

If they actually were concerned for you, as a person, they would have stopped this cruelty a long time ago.

I think this is perfect, except for lying about where OP is going. I wouldn’t give any info at all about that.

@GoldsolesLugs Speaking purely for myself, I am a Stately Homes regular, under various names, having had a horribly abusive childhood which continued well into adulthood. I am always going to support anyone who escapes a similar situation.

What's a Stately Homes regular?

Just wanted to do nothing more than wish you and your dd a wonderful Christmas, op. There has been such sound advice on here (sad that it comes from bitter experience for some). I think it’s absolutely right that you are doing the best for your dd in focusing on creating wonderful memories for her and not creating unrealistic expectations.

I can completely understand how and why you fell into this pattern, but am really pleased to hear you’re working on breaking the toxic cycle. Wishing the best of wishes for next year and lots more happy memories for your own family.

I love this! Thank you for the tip 😍

Thank you! I'm sure the rest will come back to bite me and I'll have LOTS to work through next year, but for now I'm feeling very empowered 😂

@Grinch123 this 💯

There’s a series of threads been running on Relationships for years (at least ten years) called variations of “But we took you to Stately Homes!”

It is a safe space for adults who have realised their parents or other family members are toxic and that the “childhoods” they endured don’t have to carry forward into adulthood.

I would just repeat to them at any contact attempt that "Adults don't need presents."