Cancelling Christmas Pt 2 - Updates

[Grinch123]

Hi all,

Know the last thread here filled up very quickly and there were so many wonderful and supportive comments that got me through a very tough 24 hours! Thank you if you contributed, it meant a lot 🙂

Starting a part 2 to provide updates/vent, (and take any Disney planning advice 😂) as a few people have asked and also I know I'll need more support over the next few weeks as it's been tough! If you want to stick around on this thread, I'd appreciate it.

Updates from yesterday:

Dropped off all Christmassy foods/stocking fillers etc at our local Foodbank. Couldn't get through to anyone at the charity that supports refuges - I'm in the office today but have emailed a nearby school to see if they want the bits to raffle off at their fayre this weekend.

Locks are changed! Thought this was a bit of an overreaction but DSis tried to come over again last night (we weren't in) so I guess not.

Told DD about Disney, she's ridiculously excited and I think young enough she doesn't realise this = missing out on a 'family' Christmas. Also bought festive Minnie PJs and Christmas ears online.

Family are being a nightmare. I have messages from all of them on pretty much any site you can message a person on (WhatsApp/messenger/texts/loads of missed calls) - everything from begging/emotional manipulation, to being told to F off (by a parent!) for screwing up Christmas because I like to use my money to control everyone and play with peoples feelings 😅 Also messages from mutual friends checking in because siblings have told them I've 'lost the plot' ~ and a concerned call from DDs nursery, evidently one of them has called the nursery worried about my mental health and asked if they could check in?! Thankfully the nursery haven't shared any info with them at all (they don't do any pick ups etc) but it was a painful conversation to have!

I've disassociated with it and messaged them all, once, along the lines of 'life is really busy at the moment, will look forward to catching up when we get back but I do need some space.' I think it's been a scales dropping from my eyes moment, because I'm sure lots of this would've worked on me in the past, but now it's just making me mad 😬

I cannot believe someone phoned the nursery?! the fucking cheek of it. Be careful because next you'll be getting a call from Social Services having received information that you've gone nuts and there are concerns over the welfare of your child!! Some seriously evil people in your family OP.

Gloves would be off for me now following the call to the nursery and sister trying to get into the house, clearly knowing you weren't at home (lights off, no car). Sorry, I wouldn't be putting up with that shit.

Your family are extremely entitled and greedy.

All that to get your hands on a pair of Ugg boots it’s dire.
I found the extra WhatsApp group to be so mean. Absolutely awful to isolate someone!

Op, why are you pulling your punches with your family? This is an opportunity to completely reset your relationship - you have done the difficult bit but you aren't closing the deal, as it were?

I understand why you'd find this hard, but I really think you need to clearly articulate: that you have been taken advantage of for years and years; that you have been driven to greater and greater effort and expense in order to keep them happy; that no-one seems to acknowledge this, let alone show any gratitude; that the final straw was when you saw they were unwilling even to find you a token gift in order to make sure you had some joy in the day too. That you feel, and have done for many years, used and unloved.

I think unless you lay it all out like this, they will continue to jump from one detail to another, avoiding the whole - which is that they have treated you abominably.

I couldn't disagree more strongly with this post. What OP has described throughout this thread, particularly the rapid escalation and the extinction burst displayed by her family, is straight out of the abusive family playbook. Anyone familiar with these patterns can not only see them coming from miles away but can also predict with a fair degree of accuracy what their next moves might be. The warnings of harm to OP's property, or probable escalation through official safeguarding or legal channels, are not misplaced. This has already begun to happen.

The behaviour you place on OP as her personal responsibility is a common, possibly standard response in children of abusive families who are delegated the 'scapegoat' mantle. It's simply people-pleasing in another form. OP wanted to be loved. She wanted to be accepted. She wanted to be part of a family. And as she grew older, she wanted to recreate the Christmases she felt were missing as a child. In short, she tried to buy her family's affections. Unfortunately she's had to find out, as others have before her, that the harder we try to make people like us and accept us the more they are likely to despise us.

The scales have fallen from OP's eyes now and she's fully realised this. The comment about helping with budgeting tips is doubtless offensive to those who have mistreated and taken from her for years, but from another perspective are the stance of a woman who is sick and tired of people who take, take, take and don't offer even a token gesture - much less gratitude or thanks - in return. And breaking free from the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt can often take a long time. It seems that in OP's case it's already been a long time coming, and the latest ingrate gesture from her grasping family was the catalyst for the final epiphany. But the eventual confrontation with the unpleasant truth is never anything other than extremely painful.

Yes, some of OP's actions in accommodating this BS for so long ARE messed up, because this is how the messed up children of messed up family dynamics typically respond. She didn't 'make' the monster: this thing already had three heads long before she'd even made it to adulthood. Blaming the victim in this kind of situation is unhelpful, but those fortunate enough to have 'normal'[ish] families generally find it difficult to recognise this kind of dynamic.

Oddly enough, when we take the kind of stance OP is now taking, people tend to respect us more. She's simply come to a place where she's had enough, and not before time, too. It's her family who hold the distinction of aggressor and who bear full culpability here. Not OP.

It's a great CF story though for mumsnetters to get their teeth into though 😂

Oh you were very lucky to get a Disney cruise nye + , What's your destination ? can I ask where and who you booked with? My sister has been trying for a month to get these dates but have all been booked out.

Tbh I wouldn’t bother messaging them again. Nothing you say will make a difference because sadly they don’t give a shit about you.

I don’t want to pry, but I am alarmed that they contacted the nursery. Is there any chance they could contact your DDs father to try to cause a problem? No need to respond to this, I just wanted to raise it as a potential problem.

I wish more people would say no to life's constant takers like @Grinch123 did, always hoping deep down they change for the better but rarely do.
They took or rather, didn't deliver, happy childhood xmas memories, let alone other stuff. They are def not going to change their habit of a lifetime and are now going nuclear as they've been unmasked.
The worst bit for me was the secret 😳😢😲whatsapp group, crikey, the mind boggles what could be on there.
How nasty.
That alone, ostracising you unknowingly from " family conversations " whilst simultanously using you to better their lives.
Get a job ffs, study, whatever it takes. Like you did, nothing came handed on a silver platter.
I'd be very worried about my home security whilst away, especially after trying to get in already and psycho ( are they literally for real ? ) nursery call ( THEM acting like that IS concerning 🚩).
They are incandescent with rage as dreamy xmas :
a benefit received without zero contribution, whether its being a free helping hand e.g charitable or indeed food/any thoughtful tiny gift
has been pulled.
I'm concerned when you're away they take revenge in some form, not sure how to prepare for that.
In future
stick with radiators , even teensy tiny ones like DD, instead of multiple drains.
You will feel much better.
Still regretting not buying the Micky Mouse bauble xmas door wreath 15 years ago when we took DC's to this day. It was a hot summer day in the xmas shop my only excuse.
It'll be one of the most fun xmas' for you.
Don't forget to dress up for the flight, lots of people do , ears are a must and Disney manicure minimum.
🎄🏰🎇🛳️🏖️🧉🧉🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁 for 💞

Didn’t get in on time on your last thread, but just wanted to say, I’m so happy for you OP, hope you and your daughter have an amazing Christmas xx

Well done for cutting loose from this shower of nightmarish people! They don't deserve to have you in their lives! Have a great Christmas. xx

Well done, OP. The last few days must have been absolutely horrendous for you but everything is now in the open and you know exactly where you stand regarding your relatives.
Disney over Xmas sounds wonderful and will bring your daughter great joy although be aware you may have quiet times when you feel sad and perhaps alone.
Calling the nursery is absolutely malicious. You don't say exactly how much you have told the nursery but it might be an idea to speak to the nursery manager to fully appraise them of the situation. A written note from you on your file regarding future potential malicious calls wouldn't go amiss.

Tell your local police that the house will be empty over Xmas and also any neighbours....just in case.

I think I would also have a chat with the HR dept at work and also your manager, if you have one. Again, it is just putting something on record in case of future problems. You don't have to go into detail just that there may be a problem. e.g. Concerned relatives ringing about your 'mental health'.

All of the above sounds like overkill but your relatives are angry and aggrieved that you have pulled the plug on their greed. Suddenly having to finance their own Xmas meals and presents hits hard especially in their pockets.
Glad you changed the locks; your sister's face would have been a picture when she realised that her 'surprise' visit was in vain. Their private What's App will be on fire.
Finally, the saddest part of all of this is that not one has come forward to apologise for their greedy behaviour - that tells you all you need to know.
Happy holidays and you have a whole year to plan your next Xmas adventure!

You're not alone

It sounds like it'll be a magical Christmas for your DD. Just a thought as I read the updates - I'd be wary of giving too much away regarding your location over Christmas. If they're the type to be causing trouble at your child's créche, would you put it past them to ring the resort / cruise you're staying at to cause mischief?

Probably steal the presents!

I wouldn’t put anything past them from what you’ve said. It truly boggles my mind when I hear stories about some families on here, it beggars belief!

They are all truly despicable, selfish, grasping pos’s and you’ve done the right thing by breaking this bonkers tradition of yours that you=provide everything for everyone and they= do feck all. Unbelievable that they dont even buy your dd presents. Do none of them work?

Going forward it would be nice if this gives them some time for reflection and to come to the realisation that they’ve taken you massively for granted. I doubt they are capable of this depth of emotional maturity though op so you’re going to have to remain very strong and resolute in your now changed stance from now on.

This. I am absolutely furious on your behalf.

Tell them to sort out who's hosting on the other whatsapp chat they've got that you aren't on and that you apparently really wouldn't want to read...

because fuck the lot of them.

@Grinch123 do you think they in any way get what the actual issue is or how hypocritical their behaviour is? .e.g. do they not see that it's hurtful to not get messages on your birthday, no acknowledgments and generally be treated like a doormat? I think they are still seeing it as just a present issue or just about Christmas and it's obviously about so much more. I just can't fathom that they can't see it?!

If I were you, I'd plan to be abroad for the next few Christmases, until they get used to having Christmas without you.

Can I just say, you have this!

I had a different kind of abuse growing up, but you and your child deserve better than your leaches of a family.

stay strong! 🩷

Your not-so-dear family are really showing their true colours now.
You need to log everything, tell them straight that making spurious allegations about your wellbeing to nursery is way out of line and they need to rein their horns in. If they do anything else, you've got the evidence trail for how unhinged they are. I'd say to nursery that you are the only person who can pick up/drop off, change your password for pickup so they don't try to get to you via collecting your child. Also for them to not take any calls etc from granny/aunty etc. They're manipulative and will try anything to worm their way back in. The aim- to get you back into your role and doing as they bid you.

I thought the same, she saw Op’s car wasn’t there and planned to search the house for the presents and take them.

Yeah! She was probably going to take other things too because "op can afford it" and "they should be our presents". She was probably also going to burn the place down on her way out because "OP can pay for our heating".

This is such a wonderful, happy thread - you and your little girl will get an amazing Christmas. I'm so impressed!