Cancelling Christmas Pt 2 - Updates

[Grinch123]

Hi all,

Know the last thread here filled up very quickly and there were so many wonderful and supportive comments that got me through a very tough 24 hours! Thank you if you contributed, it meant a lot 🙂

Starting a part 2 to provide updates/vent, (and take any Disney planning advice 😂) as a few people have asked and also I know I'll need more support over the next few weeks as it's been tough! If you want to stick around on this thread, I'd appreciate it.

Updates from yesterday:

Dropped off all Christmassy foods/stocking fillers etc at our local Foodbank. Couldn't get through to anyone at the charity that supports refuges - I'm in the office today but have emailed a nearby school to see if they want the bits to raffle off at their fayre this weekend.

Locks are changed! Thought this was a bit of an overreaction but DSis tried to come over again last night (we weren't in) so I guess not.

Told DD about Disney, she's ridiculously excited and I think young enough she doesn't realise this = missing out on a 'family' Christmas. Also bought festive Minnie PJs and Christmas ears online.

Family are being a nightmare. I have messages from all of them on pretty much any site you can message a person on (WhatsApp/messenger/texts/loads of missed calls) - everything from begging/emotional manipulation, to being told to F off (by a parent!) for screwing up Christmas because I like to use my money to control everyone and play with peoples feelings 😅 Also messages from mutual friends checking in because siblings have told them I've 'lost the plot' ~ and a concerned call from DDs nursery, evidently one of them has called the nursery worried about my mental health and asked if they could check in?! Thankfully the nursery haven't shared any info with them at all (they don't do any pick ups etc) but it was a painful conversation to have!

I've disassociated with it and messaged them all, once, along the lines of 'life is really busy at the moment, will look forward to catching up when we get back but I do need some space.' I think it's been a scales dropping from my eyes moment, because I'm sure lots of this would've worked on me in the past, but now it's just making me mad 😬

Calling the nursery is so far from acceptable it's not funny. I too worry they'll get the olive to do a welfare check on you while you're away, which, as I saw from when it happened to a neighbour, involved breaking in.

OP you are awesome and honestly you are giving your daughter the best chance in life doing this, you're not just protecting yourself, you're protecting her too.
That they've contacted her nursery worries me - wonder if it's worth you seeking legal advice in case they escalate further. It might be worth documenting your mental state as being well and the abuse you're escaping. But I don't have any qualifications here, so wonder if someone else can advise.

Planning sneak in to grab "her" presents I expect.

They all sound really entitled and calling your dd's nursery to express faux concern is a really low blow. They were prepared to cause you problems with social services to keep the gravy train running.

How absolutely awful to contact your DD’s nursery. These people will stop at nothing, will they?
And all because they aren’t getting ‘stuff’ they wanted!
That is not what Christmas is about!

Hi OP,
I’m glad that you have stood up for yourself and reset Christmas.

However, I am concerned about you taking it too far (in my opinion) and burning your bridges with your family. From your earlier posts I think that you had played a huge part in creating your family dynamics. You say you introduced some members of the family to designer goods and loved treating them. Encouraging people to want and think they need stuff that they can’t afford is not doing them a favour. You could easily have replied “nice try!” to excessive requests at any point but instead you allowed things to escalate.

I would have urged you not to send the last paragraph in your message to your family (about a meal if everyone paid for themselves). It was mean and not necessary at this point. I also think the “budgeting advice” sentence was offensive and uncalled for. What does someone who earns well over 100k and splurges it in the excessive way that you do have to teach someone scraping by on benefits about budgeting? That sentiment makes it unsurprising to me that you were told to fuck off.

Buying for your daughter and pretending it was from others is messed up. You would be building up a fake picture of her family for her. Were there other children in the family that then think nan and grandad bought for your daughter but not for them? Or did you end up buying for all the kids from nan and grandad?

I am not trying to be unsympathetic I just think it is helpful to realise that you also played an active role in creating this monster and I hope in your reset you can reset your relationships with your family rather than burn all your bridges entirely. Match their efforts going forward though and if they don’t do presents don’t do them yourself - unless they have been there for you in other ways like babysitting then it’s a token of appreciation.

I’d go no-contact for that alone. Unforgivable.

hope the nursery were as shocked and understanding as the PPs on here?!

In a way it feels like you've done the work of years of therapy in the space of a couple of days. Just incredible, I hope it's not patronising to say I'm proud of you!

The other members of your family have behaved completely in character by not seeing your point of view – to them, the only logical explanation is that you've lost it, otherwise they'd have to take some responsibility, which doesn't sound like something they do.

Here's to a wonderful Christmas, and to a new year when you continue to rewrite your story.

Excellent post by @Skyrainlight

You are so incredible!!

Have the best Christmas!

Unfortunately I had similar some years ago, for many years, and when I finally said enough I was pretty much blackballed but to be honest I don’t miss them. My family is now very small but we have wonderful stress free Christmases full of laughter and enjoyment and doing what makes us happy.
As for Disney, we’ve done it many times and booking restaurants and experiences well in advance is necessary but keep checking the app because people do cancel - I booked a restaurant in every park for Christmas Day as soon as the window opened and then spoke to DH and DS as soon as they got home to confirm which park they wanted to spend the day in and then cancelled the other parks. MK is crazy but we popped there first thing just to have done it really but then headed over to Hollywood studios which wasn’t too bad but was very lovely. Animal Kingdom on New Year’s Day was the quietest I’ve ever seen it.
Have a wonderful time and enjoy your new way of life. You deserve it! ❄

OP you're doing amazingly!!
Their reactions really proves this was the right choice. If they were genuine, they'd be mortified and would be trying to support you.

I posted this on your last thread, but if I were you I'd keep a mental door open for the possibility one of them will come round (more your younger siblings than parents, as it's unlikely the older generation will change significantly) and you could have a future relationships. You're all quite young and have been through a lot. This isn't your problem to solve and you should 100% keep firm boundaries but it may help you and them over the longer term if you know there's space for a future relationship, only if they change their behaviour. You've taken the first essential step which is ending the current unhealthy relationship.

OP I've read both threads as and when they were happening and was so beyond appalled at the behaviour of your ghastly family 😡 honestly I was raging for you.

Just to give you an idea for next year as you've already sorted Disney. Friends of friends were in a similar position where there was an expectation to always host (quite a lot of them too). And it happened to a very high standard too.

One year she was quite ill in the run up to it so her DH said it needed to be a smaller affair (2 nights not 4) and he was going to email everyone what they could bring to help including bedding so no tons of washing for them when they left.

Well the uproar was staggering.

I can't detail it as it's quite outing but following that they decided to go away skiing. They had always wanted to learn and particularly with their kids too. Off they went and within a week with a private instructor they were brilliant and loving it!!

They have done it every year since. Sometimes they see family beforehand and some on their return but always in a pub! Every penny they would normally spend on everyone else they have since spent on their own family ski trip!!

Do you and your daughter ski?! 😀

Good for you cancelling!

Clearly they just take you for granted for their yearly present stash and Christmas party! Perhaps the lack of festivities will make them get off their back sides and get jobs to start saving for Christmas 2025?! After all, if you want nice things in life you have to work for them...

I think it's lovely that their presents are going to someone far more in need.

Makes me appreciate my own family who all pitch in at Christmas. I'm paying for the food and hosting, my dad will cook (I'm crap - I will drink prosecco and "help" cook!), my mum helps entertain my kids and has done a christmas pudding and cake (again, I'm crap), the in-laws always turn up with an amazing cheese board and presents that keep the kids entertained! If I had to do the entire thing by myself I really wouldn't enjoy it!

Enjoy Disney! Very jealous - I haven't been since I was 12!!

You're handling this brilliantly. Very dignified.

They are losing their minds and acting out in desperation because they can sense they've lost control and actually, it's you who has all the power in the situation and always has. They know you have realised this now.

I haven't RTFTs, only your posts, so I'm sure others have said this but I just want you to know that you don't need a big family to make Christmas feel special. Even a Christmas at home (if that's what you choose in future years) can be special with just you and DD. FWIW, my armchair psychology assessment is that you are wanting to have a do-over and "correct" your history because your family Christmases growing up were toxic and unhealthy. Unfortunately you cannot do this when you are involving those same people in your plans. When you invite them in, you invite in that same old toxicity.

You can have gorgeous, festive, cosy, special Christmases with just you and DD. Or you can go away and lay on a different beach every year. The big family Christmas is only fulfilling and fun when you are one of the lucky few without family drama or anything unhealthy dynamic. It's not the only way to do it.

I hope you and DD have a fabulous Christmas holiday and enjoy every second!

@Grinch123 I've just read the full thread, having followed the previous one and just wanted to say what a lovely person you are and I can't believe how your family have treated you. Good for you, standing up to them! It's wonderful news that you're taking your little one to Disney over Christmas, I'm sure it'll be magical and she'll having lasting memories or a wonderful time with mum! I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and please don't give a second thought to your family, they're horrible grabby idiots. I can't believe they didn't even get gifts for your little one, that's unforgivable.. well it's all unforgivable but that especially!

I have a very small family and we never had much money, but the things I remember about Christmas as a child aren't necessarily the gifts, although some stand out in my memory (the Grease album 😄 ), but the lovely times spent with grandparents and aunts and uncles. Also agree with previous poster that Maltesers are an essential part of Christmas!

I've not been well for years and had very little money, but I've always made the effort to find something little for the few relatives I have, I truly believe it's the thought that counts. Obviously if I had the money I'd help my two daughters pay off their student debt because I know how anxious they are about it, but they both know I love them and am always there for them.

In the future pack that money you would have spent on those very expensive gifts in to savings for your daughter's future, you'll be doing her such a favour

I am an auld cynic @Grinch123 and I suspect that you may start getting messages about 'how right you are' and 'how sorry I am' or 'can't believe how I treated you so badly' from a family member trying to ingratiate themselves.
Very little more desperate than someone trying to grip their greedy fingers onto the disappearing gravy train.
Have a wonderful Christmas and a fabulous 2025 x

Phoning your child’s nursery is a new low! I am so sorry OP - that is truly awful. How dare they twist their shitty behaviour to being a safeguarding concern on your child and contact the nursery. It’s just awful to think where that could have ended up if the nursery weren’t so understanding. And all for some expensive presents for them.
phoning your friend too is horrible - talk about airing dirty laundry! I hope your friends back you up!
i think you should save all texts/ messages and records of missed calls. I know it’s horrible to keep these on your phone and it feels better to delete but you may need them in the future to evidence that it is their behaviour in the wrong and you have been nothing but fair and a sensible parent to your DD. Just put them in a hidden folder on your phone if you can.

well done at changing your locks and well done for everything you have done so far! You are doing amazing OP and you are my Christmas hero!

Also don't be surprised if, after their efforts of begging/insulting etc don't work, someone (most likely one of your parents) suddenly develops an undisclosed illness and they're pleading with you to attend their sick bed and forgive all sins.

This. It's all part of the script.

Yes, that could well be their next strategy. Be ready for it, OP. Remind them that there are plenty of other family members nearby and you’ll keep in touch while you’re away …

Wise words here too, Lobelia123, and as we're seeing even this will be turned around on OP for somehow "encouraging them", despite the fact that the gifts were requested rather than offered

You'd hope there might be a tiny bit of appreciation for all OP's done, but sadly you'd hope in vain with people like this

Have you pointed out to any of them that all you wanted was something to open while they were all opening their lovely hauls of presents, and maybe something for your dd from them? That sending you massive lists of gift demands and then saying ‘oh no, secret Santa for you’ was really hurtful and if they really meant it, should have been suggested months ago? I love the high ground you’ve staked out here but I am curious as to how they would get out of that one, because it’s so revealing of their grasping entitled attitudes.

Did your sister come round to collect the presents you'd bought, I wonder?!

They have massively crossed a line harrassing your friends and colleagues - and you daughter's nursery - about your 'mental health.' It sounds like they're one step away from reporting you to social services - because you don't want to host them all for Christmas! They are nuts. You do need to shut this down, but a firm Whatsapp saying you won't tolerate this behaviour will probably do it. Good luck. And sorry your family are such dicks.

Why would that be too far? Speaking as someone who's ex I'm laws called the school for ridiculous reasons so unsure why it's too far