Cancelling Christmas Pt 2 - Updates

[Grinch123]

Hi all,

Know the last thread here filled up very quickly and there were so many wonderful and supportive comments that got me through a very tough 24 hours! Thank you if you contributed, it meant a lot 🙂

Starting a part 2 to provide updates/vent, (and take any Disney planning advice 😂) as a few people have asked and also I know I'll need more support over the next few weeks as it's been tough! If you want to stick around on this thread, I'd appreciate it.

Updates from yesterday:

Dropped off all Christmassy foods/stocking fillers etc at our local Foodbank. Couldn't get through to anyone at the charity that supports refuges - I'm in the office today but have emailed a nearby school to see if they want the bits to raffle off at their fayre this weekend.

Locks are changed! Thought this was a bit of an overreaction but DSis tried to come over again last night (we weren't in) so I guess not.

Told DD about Disney, she's ridiculously excited and I think young enough she doesn't realise this = missing out on a 'family' Christmas. Also bought festive Minnie PJs and Christmas ears online.

Family are being a nightmare. I have messages from all of them on pretty much any site you can message a person on (WhatsApp/messenger/texts/loads of missed calls) - everything from begging/emotional manipulation, to being told to F off (by a parent!) for screwing up Christmas because I like to use my money to control everyone and play with peoples feelings 😅 Also messages from mutual friends checking in because siblings have told them I've 'lost the plot' ~ and a concerned call from DDs nursery, evidently one of them has called the nursery worried about my mental health and asked if they could check in?! Thankfully the nursery haven't shared any info with them at all (they don't do any pick ups etc) but it was a painful conversation to have!

I've disassociated with it and messaged them all, once, along the lines of 'life is really busy at the moment, will look forward to catching up when we get back but I do need some space.' I think it's been a scales dropping from my eyes moment, because I'm sure lots of this would've worked on me in the past, but now it's just making me mad 😬

And lastly don’t panic at all if you get a call from social services. That might be next. SS have to by law investigate every single call and you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Your dd is well loved and cared for.

Your family hopefully won’t weaponise your child or SS but I wouldn’t put it past them. So just say to SS yes I was expecting this call, I have a very dysfunctional family that I am trying to manage - how would it be best to proceed?

I hope your family won’t do this to you Grinch, sink this low, but given what happened with the nursery I wouldn’t put it past them now. The quicker you can put some distance between you and them the safer you and dd will be.

They have been abusing you for all of your life. Nothing has changed, what has changed though is your willingness to put up with it. You are a remarkable role model to your child, and along with your own well being she is the only person that matters from today.

No you haven't read the other thread and what OP has done for these grabby cunts. Totally toxic, self absorbed and out for what they can get as long as OP pays for it all. They are not well behaved towards her and are down right selfish and totally entitled. Putting her down with their moronic behaviour, insults and harrassment.

@Grinch123 for the Disney cruise, buy some ducks to hide around the ship! It’s the best game to hide/find the ducks. It’s also worth checking if there’s a Facebook page for your cruise group because they often organise things like gift exchanges and fairy dusting (where you randomly drop small presents at people’s rooms). It sounds like you deserve some gifts!

I had a very similar vibe in my family and then I stopped. I know people have warned you that they may become abusive and that certainly covers their initial responses, but, for me, after I took a stand, relatives did realise that they had taken me for granted and I realised that I couldn’t fix them and it all got healthier.I hope that’s what happens with you

Keep any message short and direct.
Their reactions has confirmed their motivations for relationship with you and you will not be continuing as before. Your mental health and wellbeing is all good. You are however feeling pretty disappointed in your family.

I've disassociated with it and messaged them all, once, along the lines of 'life is really busy at the moment, will look forward to catching up when we get back but I do need some space.'

This was absolutely the right thing to do, @Grinch123; there's no point at all feeding drama among such toxic people, though TBH none of their behaviour surprises me. There's a certain mentality which expects everything of everyone else while taking no responsibility themselves and being told "no" tends to end badly, especially if they've been enabled for too long

Personally I wouldn't send any more messages but go radio silence on them. Christmas itself will doubtless be a fiesta of self pitying messages on their secret talk group, but they'll settle down in time because they have no choice

Going away at Christmas is a great tradition.

On a more serious note your new resolve will mean your DD will not grow up thinking that she is the go to person in the family to sort everything (as you have been made to feel). This is the best gift you can give her for her future.

Enjoy Disney.

I've read both threads and your family are behaving appallingly.

I think you need some support to break out of this cycle though. I had a very toxic family situation where Christmas had very much become symbolic in my head. Therapy really helped me to understand my reactions to the situation and to move forward without any pain.

At the moment your trip away is just a sticking plaster. Without healing the wound it has the possibility of reopening.

There is a very good book I read recently Poor by Katriona O'Sullivan which might resonate with you.

OP! You are my hero!

I can't tell you how amazing I think you are for standing up to those unappreciative freeloaders. A Disney Christmas is perfect for you and your little girl and the fact that you've booked it means you can't be tempted to fold. I'm so excited for you!

Changing locks was a really good call. I agree with the poster who said they reckoned the "surprise" from Sis was to swipe the presents they felt entitled to.

My husband was treated this way by his siblings at Christmas and birthdays - demanding expensive gifts and cash in too but not even a token gift in return. Plus "borrowing" money which never got paid back. He's got a decent job and they were all work shy. When we had kids he cut back on what he gave/lent them. They were furious and blamed me. They also near enough stopped bothering with him - I suppose his usefulness has expired. He was disappointed at first but now says me and the kids are his family so no great loss!

Well done OP I was absolutely staggered reading your last thread. What a horrible bunch of people! My family are similar (but not as bad!!) They will always feel hard done by and as though everything is "easier" for you because they dismiss the hard work you do. They will always take,take,take and when (like now) you stop giving it will all be your fault. Unfortunately,like me, there's nothing you can do that will be enough for these types of people. You sound amazing and your daughter is lucky to have you! Even if your family are too stupid to see it.
Also as someone who grew up with big family Christmas's where there was always tension and people not getting along I would have preferred a quiet,small Christmas with peace and happiness any day

And the surprise the sister had folanned for @Grinch123 was that she had helped herself to the presents not realising that the promise had been carried out!
You have definitely dodged a bullet here, I am absolutely amazed that a so called family could stoop so low.

*planned

It's satisfying to read a thread where the OP actually stays strong and does what they've threatened rather than caving. Well done OP!
I've just come back from Orlando and the Christmas decorations/celebrations were amazing. Have a great time.

Travelling for Christmas is amazing. We loved our Disney Christmas. Loads of other options that would be magical in Europe too.

I’ve only read OPs posts and skimmed the others so apologies if this has been mentioned already…

OP it might be worth visiting your local police station and letting them know about the harassment and your plans in case your family call on them for a “welfare check” in an attempt to gain access to your home. “Oh it’s so unlike Grinch to be uncontactable, something awful must have happened to her and her daughter” etc….

I agree with the poster who said they reckoned the "surprise" from Sis was to swipe the presents they felt entitled to

So do I, though I don't quite know how she'd have done it had OP been there

However it doesn't matter now; the gifts are gone, OP's been clear about what's happening and - while deeply unpleasant - any further referrals to "authorities" can be easily dealt with (they'll have seen it all before)

After that I think I might think about moving! Am sorry, but it’s as though you have the family from Brassic.

It’s really hard when you’ve worked, studied, concentrated on improving your life and left people behind. Either they will wise up and apologise next year, or they won’t in which case you can take comfort in the fact that most family is foisted upon us via biological and social links … you are not actually bound by any of them!

Much better to invest in your gorgeous DC and develop a real bond of love, respect and affection that will last a lifetime and ensure her future wellbeing and happiness. Think we have a romantic view of the benefits of the extended family, when in fact a solid, functional nuclear family trumps all.

They'll start reporting you to the police and or social services/GP before too long also they'll tell people you're crazy and suicidal so expect mental health team to be contacted as well

A million percent this!

Wow!!!

I wanted to post on your thread yesterday when I got home from work and was reading it saying "Don't do it. Don't have Christmas and give these ungrateful leeches (sorry but they really are draining you of your money and goodwill) anything more. They don't deserve it"

I'm shocked at how they have behaved once you said "No more". Unbelievable. Please let this be the start of how you carry on now.

No more handouts. They don't deserve them.
Make sure any 'spare' money is put aside for your DD for her future. You need to go broken record on them now and keep saying "My focus has changed and it's now my daughter. I need to focus on her now."

They said that OP controls them through money. I'd take that as the perfect reason not to ever 'control' them through money again. No loans, no gifts above a very low value, nothing. And when they complain I'd let them know I was following their wishes and no longer controlling them through money.

You are bloody amazing OP.

The gifts you have given to refuge, food banks etc will be appreciated 100 times more by those people who really need them/could only dream of having them, than your ungrateful family ever would. You’ve done an amazing thing there 💜

You are an absolute rockstar @Grinch123, but as others have said don't be surprised if you come crashing down at some point in the next few days/weeks and start questioning whether you have done the right thing.

On the Disney front just keep checking for reservations as people cancel all the time. A friend of ours got a reservation for lunch at Round Up Rodeo in Toy Story Land with 45 mins notice on their visit after spotting a cancellation!

Also make sure that you see Fantastmic (the lights show in Hollywood Studios) - we booked a dining package to get the good seats.

Check out Mammoth Club and Ear Scouts on YouTube for good tips - we bumped into Molly from MC at Riviera Resort during our trip and were very starstruck!

Just wanted to say bloody well done OP!! Cheering you on from afar, have the most amazing Christmas with your little one!

They have been abusing you for all of your life. Nothing has changed, what has changed though is your willingness to put up with it. You are a remarkable role model to your child, and along with your own well being she is the only person that matters from today.

Indeed. You have recognised the pattern and broken the cycle @Grinch123 . Bloody well done

They said that OP controls them through money.

Their accusations are admissions.

Also I'd be going low or no contact and tell police because they'll harness you/threaten you..may even turn physically violent especially as they contacted nursery and one of your parents told you to fuck off.things will turn nasty Protect yourself and they'll be more pressure increasing as it gets closer to Christmas.

Make sure you're home is safe while you are away

Gather evidence and get CCTV/screenshots for a restraining order/non molestation order

And save your money and use it for you and DD/her future/private education ect x