Cancelling Christmas Pt 2 - Updates

[Grinch123]

Hi all,

Know the last thread here filled up very quickly and there were so many wonderful and supportive comments that got me through a very tough 24 hours! Thank you if you contributed, it meant a lot 🙂

Starting a part 2 to provide updates/vent, (and take any Disney planning advice 😂) as a few people have asked and also I know I'll need more support over the next few weeks as it's been tough! If you want to stick around on this thread, I'd appreciate it.

Updates from yesterday:

Dropped off all Christmassy foods/stocking fillers etc at our local Foodbank. Couldn't get through to anyone at the charity that supports refuges - I'm in the office today but have emailed a nearby school to see if they want the bits to raffle off at their fayre this weekend.

Locks are changed! Thought this was a bit of an overreaction but DSis tried to come over again last night (we weren't in) so I guess not.

Told DD about Disney, she's ridiculously excited and I think young enough she doesn't realise this = missing out on a 'family' Christmas. Also bought festive Minnie PJs and Christmas ears online.

Family are being a nightmare. I have messages from all of them on pretty much any site you can message a person on (WhatsApp/messenger/texts/loads of missed calls) - everything from begging/emotional manipulation, to being told to F off (by a parent!) for screwing up Christmas because I like to use my money to control everyone and play with peoples feelings 😅 Also messages from mutual friends checking in because siblings have told them I've 'lost the plot' ~ and a concerned call from DDs nursery, evidently one of them has called the nursery worried about my mental health and asked if they could check in?! Thankfully the nursery haven't shared any info with them at all (they don't do any pick ups etc) but it was a painful conversation to have!

I've disassociated with it and messaged them all, once, along the lines of 'life is really busy at the moment, will look forward to catching up when we get back but I do need some space.' I think it's been a scales dropping from my eyes moment, because I'm sure lots of this would've worked on me in the past, but now it's just making me mad 😬

@Grinch123 you are my actual hero.

Glad you're sending a firmer message. I'd be bloody incensed that they'd contacted my child's nursery with the express aim of trying to make out I wasn't mentally fit enough to care for her. They'd never see me or her again after that.

I'm sitting here with my mouth open at the behaviour of these outrageous scroungers. I literally don't know what to say.
Other than never host them again WTF.

Well done @Grinch123. You’re amazing.

To build on the post above, the point that really hit home for me from your last thread was your sister saying there was another family WhatsApp group but you wouldn’t want to see what was on it. That’s really awfully mean. As well as keeping yourself safe in relation to any nefarious reports to social services, don’t forget that one. You may be related to these people by blood, but they don’t deserve to call you family.

I M sure your conversation with nursery was delightful …. They must be so pleased to hear that you have booked a fabulous holiday for your child! And obviously you can tell them any phone calls will be malicious as family are annoyed you are nit financing their Christmas plans. Any nursery will be delighted to hear you have such fabulous mother and child bonding planned.

The way your family's behaviour has escalated is incredible, @Grinch123, not to say alarming. This is what pop psych commonly refers to as an 'extinction burst' - the phase in which the abuser/s realise they've lost control over you and ramp up the behaviour 100-fold to try to bring you back into line.

This is the point at which you have to be careful. Making spurious claims about your mental state and particularly calling the nursery and voicing these as a safeguarding concern is deeply concerning. Would they be capable of damaging your property in your absence? I'd ramp up my home security and, if at all possible, have someone staying there or at least watching it in your absence.

Standing up to them in the way you have took a lot of guts. This is far easier said than done when you come from a screwed-up family dynamic like this. Believe me, you have just given your daughter the best possible Christmas gift, and that's aside from the trip to Disney!

Hope you have a great time away, and in the immediate future, be vigilant

everything from begging/emotional manipulation, to being told to F off (by a parent!) for screwing up Christmas

That last one is quite funny. I'd be tempted to say something like "Thanks, as it happens I am fucking off for Christmas, it's nice to know I have your blessing"

I agree with others that another message to your family might be needed.

Something mentioning that them contacting the nursery was disappointing as you assume it was for malicious purposes. Which shows they don't really care about you or your daughter if they are willing to act like that.

Say your mind is made up and you are booked to go away. Their actions have consequences and currently you feel like treating them to Christmas on you is unlikely to happen again.

I would also say their actions have proven to you that they only care about what you spend on them and don't appreciate you generally. So you will be thinking about whether it's worth even putting in effort with them again if they just treat you with contempt, distain and like you're a free cash machine.

Or something pointing out a few issues. As they don't get it... They do need to be told why you are doing this I think!

Loving this thread and how you have taken action.
You do not deserve this and don't forget, just because you are sticking up for yourself it does not make you a mean person, no matter what the family are saying.
I hope you and your daughter have a fantastic Christmas and you have inspired me to make a few difficult decisions x

Sadly OP, youve discovered the truth about so much generosity - even when its given freely and with joy, and accepted with alacrity, its so often resented. The recipient instead of feeling thankful and appreciative towards the giver, somehow feels angry and indebted and this so often turns to a feeling of entitlement and contempt. You are not loved for providing largesse, you are mildly despised for being a mug who gives and gives, and eyed up to see how much more you can be tapped for. Im so glad youve stopped this toxic cycle. Bravo!!

Given their attempt to access your home and the malicious nursery report OP, do they know where/when you’re going away for Xmas? I’d not put it past them to find some way of trying to sabotage that for you - flat tyre on way to the airport etc.
Give out as few details as possible, keep your documents close and maybe try to leave and stay in an airport hotel a night earlier?

I understand you sending a neutral message, to be honest, because there's already a lot of heat and drama in this, and you genuinely DO need a bit of space.

Keep everything as simple as possible. Tell them nothing about Disney, you don't want them calling up to cancel the booking... it seems they have form for such sneakiness. Also, watch out for 'Well if you're not using your big house, can we use it?' You don't need to give an explanation - a big NO will do.

But I bet you're seeing now that all those years, you weren't able to buy or earn their genuine love, affection or even liking.... They clearly have no kind hearts to appeal to. You may mourn this, you may see it as a joyous release, you may feel both.

But let me add my voice to the chorus of people who think you absolutely ROCK, and I predict your life will get much happier without them sucking away at your joy! 😄

I am a good few years along op from an almost identical family situation. I have the same wish to ‘recreate’ a magical Christmas to fix all of the past Christmases that were so broken and shattered. My house was also worthy of a place in the west end of London spending a fortune in the process to try and make up for everything. To create incredible memories for my own children.

You have been incredibly brave and strong posting here. I have been so glad to have watched your thread evolve as it is ( I don’t like to post usually but I have done now for you)

Please be prepared.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day will still really hurt. Even in the best destinations I still missed having a family to call my own. Let it pass, it is one day only. Feel your feelings and then grab dd into a big bear hug and know you are doing this for her as well as you.

My dc are now adults, and now I realise the importance of not setting them up with unrealistic expectations of Christmas that they can never live up to. Nor the continuation of abuse so entrenched in your family op. Your dd will suffer in the years to come if you do not stop now. Trust me.

Every penny and every minute you are doing everything for your cf family you are depriving your own child of that money/time/precious resource. There are no guarantees she will be as financially successful. Please put this money away for her op.

You have been assigned the role of parent in your family. They are going to kick off in all sorts out of ways when you stop. No need to be fearful but please keep a record and all messages from them in a folder somewhere so you can easily prove the patterns of abuse.

Make sure other areas of your life are locked down. Bank accounts. Credit cards. Email accounts. You need to keep yourself safe from their rage for a bit. Just calmly reply with the same thing. You won’t be continuing as before and have made other plans.

Make sure birthdays, Easters and mother’s days are all planned for well in advance. As your family of origin will make them pretty unbearable going forward otherwise. I found that when the money tap was turned off they turned very nasty indeed. Better you know now and plan for it.

Please put together a safety net in place that you can rely on to call in an emergency. A trusted babysitter or family friend. My parents walked out of babysitting my other dc when baby dd stopped breathing and refused to help at all. Don’t wait to find out what they are capable of, or expect them to be there in any capacity. They will use what’s left of their control and influence to hurt you at the times when you are most vulnerable.

Know in your heart that you can have wonderful parties and Christmas celebrations (I invite lots of friends each year) You can feel safe and secure in reciprocating relationships, but it will just never be with them. They are not interested in loving you or dd, you are just a means to an end.

Treat yourself to a brilliant and well researched counsellor, it’s the greatest gift to be free of the chains of abuse op.

We're thinking on the same lines, @TiredCatLady !

And those suggesting long explanatory messages - honestly, don't go there! It won't relieve your feelings or theirs, it will only give them more ammunition against you - they will DARVO you (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender).

She was probably planning to come in to take the presents your family feel are ’theirs’.

Have a wonderful Christmas!

@Grinch123 I dont think you should message family again. they have consistently shown their true colours!!! even you "dear" sis. I wonder just how many times she has actually entered your house without your knowledge???? why would she carry your doorkey all the time?? I suspect she wanted in to get at least her present and you wouldnt notice hers had gone. she would have been shocked to see that there were no presents there at all! as for the parent telling you to fuck off???? that would be the end for me! telling nursery is a disgusting thing to do. dont think you could ever really return your relationship to anything resembling normality now. it has gone forever. they have spent years using you. I mean who the hell asks for a north face jacket?? or concert tickets??? or even a £400 lego set???? who does that???? say bye bye in your mind now and enjoy the future with your wee girl! btw you can contact police and ask them to do checks on your home while you are away especially after this happening. pretty sure that none of them expect you to have given everything away. btw your local radio station will always take toys, make up and perfume for their annual christmas run for children and teens who are not expected to receive presents.

Excellent email from @Petrasings 👏

@Grinch123 i laughed at their madness (thinking you had lost the plot ) untill I read the part of contacting your child’s nursery . Just wow !

OP you are well shot of these people .
I wouldn’t be saying anything nice about catching up after their behaviour.
Id say I was fed up being used and once i stood up to you all you tried to cause trouble for me and my child contacting their nursery!
“You are all a bunch of leeches who can crack on with Xmas between you all . Now Leave me out if it .”

Hi OP - like other posters I’m very impressed with how you’re managing this. Your ‘family’ are absolute horrors who bring NOTHING positive into your life. Hold the line, stand firm - they’re literally parasites at this point and it sounds like you’ve never been supported or cherished by family, as you should. You sound lovely - it seems miraculous that you’ve survived this ‘family’ and turned out as the woman you are, successful, strong and kind.

I’m a fair whack older than you and my only DD is almost an adult now. Many of my lovely relatives have passed away, DM lives in a nursing home now and my only sibling is a nasty piece of work I have nothing to do with at all (a step taken when DD was young, to keep the toxic nonsense out of her life). There’s nothing to fear from small Christmases, just the two of you. Your DD doesn’t need a faux happy large family gathering - Xmas should be about the folk we love and cherish, who love us back, not a load of bottom-feeding scroungers with their hands out.

Your DD is tiny right now, but the years roll past so quickly and if you’d continued allowing them to use and manipulate you then one day you’d likely have a teen - possibly towering over you - asking why the hell you did that, what happened to your self respect? Much worse, DD might inadvertently pick up and repeat the patterns of people pleasing - I’m not sure it’s possible to raise a girl with self respect and healthy boundaries without modelling these.

Generally speaking, perhaps after Xmas might be a good time to consider if you want these people in your DD’s life at all, going forward. I suspect there will always be jealousy and resentment bubbling under the surface even if they manage not to vocalise it to your face - and if they bad
mouth you to each other then I doubt your DD would be spared the same treatment/attitude. Might be better to get out now before she’s old enough to be damaged by them and their shitty behaviours. (If I were you, I wouldn’t have them within a country mile of DD).

Message, not email... 😁

But re that very good point that this may still be painful at Christmas, I'm sure there will be people on this site ready to hear from you and lend support! 😍

Well done OP I was truly horrified at your family's wish list!
They can sort themselves ignore all the behaviour your Dsis was probably trying to get in to get her presents!

Presents aside, have they ever shown appreciation for your Christmases, @Grinch123 ? Do they say thank you, or 'i so look forward to our Christmas at yours' or general expressions of warmth to you for doing it?
Outside of this, they don't sound like terrible people from what you've said. They behave well and you have a lovely time on the day, and you're close to your sister.

I imagine that is quite a difficult dynamic for a large number of siblings who had it tough growing up, when there's such a disparity in lifestyles, with all of them broke apart from one who earns well into six figures and can afford a mega Disney experience. Difficult for both the broke ones AND for you.

Of course they're behaving badly over your decision, and I'm not excusing that for a moment. But maybe they really couldn't afford presents for each other and family this year. I know lots of people who are now doing secret Santa within families, due to the COL. Having said that, secret Santa for everyone else, but each also giving a Christmas present for the host would have been considerate.

ETA that I haven't had chance to read all of the first thread, so apologies if I've missed pertinent stuff.

What did you reply to your sister’s message about the locks?

to be honest I’m really concerned about them, I think they’re going to bully and harass you. This might sound OTT to some but I would consider contacting the police, as making false reports to the nursery is unhinged. It doesn’t even make sense, one person is telling you to fuck off for ruining their lives yet someone else is reporting you to authorities for not engaging with them. That should surely tell you they are not behaving reasonably/consistently/rationally, they’re looking for revenge.

All of this is horrible - the leeching, the emotional blackmail, the interfering calls, all of it. If a family member told me to fuck off, I would. They'd never see me again.
I really hope you have the most wonderful Christmas with your daughter, you deserve it after all of this.

OP I absolutely love that you have got the strength together to change this toxic situation. Fantastic post from @Petrasings too. Wishing you lots of strength going forwards, and have an amazing Christmas!