Cancelling Christmas Pt 2 - Updates

[Grinch123]

Hi all,

Know the last thread here filled up very quickly and there were so many wonderful and supportive comments that got me through a very tough 24 hours! Thank you if you contributed, it meant a lot 🙂

Starting a part 2 to provide updates/vent, (and take any Disney planning advice 😂) as a few people have asked and also I know I'll need more support over the next few weeks as it's been tough! If you want to stick around on this thread, I'd appreciate it.

Updates from yesterday:

Dropped off all Christmassy foods/stocking fillers etc at our local Foodbank. Couldn't get through to anyone at the charity that supports refuges - I'm in the office today but have emailed a nearby school to see if they want the bits to raffle off at their fayre this weekend.

Locks are changed! Thought this was a bit of an overreaction but DSis tried to come over again last night (we weren't in) so I guess not.

Told DD about Disney, she's ridiculously excited and I think young enough she doesn't realise this = missing out on a 'family' Christmas. Also bought festive Minnie PJs and Christmas ears online.

Family are being a nightmare. I have messages from all of them on pretty much any site you can message a person on (WhatsApp/messenger/texts/loads of missed calls) - everything from begging/emotional manipulation, to being told to F off (by a parent!) for screwing up Christmas because I like to use my money to control everyone and play with peoples feelings 😅 Also messages from mutual friends checking in because siblings have told them I've 'lost the plot' ~ and a concerned call from DDs nursery, evidently one of them has called the nursery worried about my mental health and asked if they could check in?! Thankfully the nursery haven't shared any info with them at all (they don't do any pick ups etc) but it was a painful conversation to have!

I've disassociated with it and messaged them all, once, along the lines of 'life is really busy at the moment, will look forward to catching up when we get back but I do need some space.' I think it's been a scales dropping from my eyes moment, because I'm sure lots of this would've worked on me in the past, but now it's just making me mad 😬

Please don’t answer the door if they knock, read up on narcissistic rage!

I'm hoping that the OP has booked a car.

This year for the first time ever I booked a transfer to the airport - paid extra to Saga and it was worth it. Oh, I regret not having done that on previous trips when DH was here.

It makes things so much easier for the luggage - must make a bigger difference when it's one adult carrying luggage for two people.

@Winter2020 - I think you've missed the point. The OP hasn't burnt bridges her family has.

She treated them because she loved them. Then when she finally put her foot down instead of an apology and doing better they've accused her of poor mental health that could affect her custody of her DD.

Bloody brilliant Op. I salute you. Keep your guard up. Onwards and upwards to your new freedom. Following

@WearyAuldWumman definitely! It works out far cheaper for us anyway vs airport parking 😬😅

I love going away for Christmas. You'll have an absolute ball. 🥰🥰🥰

I have relatives through marriage who are always hard up. We helped them out with money from time to time, even when I retired. I'm not wealthy - I was a teacher.

I'm living in a terraced house in an ordinary area. It's paid off - interest rates nearly killed me some years ago, but I've done it.

The relatives both work freelance. They're living in a lovely house with a former stable block. Not huge, but more than we could afford.

It turns out that the reason they're so hard up is that they keep renewing an interest only mortgage and leasing expensive cars. Nothing is actually paid for.

I don't actually blame them - they're so used to being given money on a plate when they "need" it, that I think that it'll come as a shock when the supply runs out. I think that their mother is still giving them money. Once she goes, I'm assuming that they're relying on rising house prices sorting out their financial difficulties.

I think that people on here are pleased that the OP has finally seen the light.

I would most certainly not inform them of filing the report. Why give them a chance to react to this? There is a number of them on one side and just one person (OP) on the other side of the argument. It is already an unfair position..why reveal your cards?

@Travelodge

But… given that you said you don’t think they are being malicious, perhaps they really just don’t get it and have no idea why you are behaving as you (rightly) are. All they are thinking about is their own feelings. So I would make it very clear how you have been feeling.

I can totally see the good intent in this post, but I really think this kind of thinking is a part of why so many people end up justifying appalling behaviour and stay stuck in abusive relationships for so long.

It's the ever-hopeful "But if they just understood how their actions are hurting me, then they would see the light and wouldn't do it any more"

It would be lovely if that were the case.
But it isn't.

They do see. They just don't care.
Especially if them caring means they'd have to change any behaviour that benefits them (or has benefitted them up till now)

It is not a difficult thing to understand, how to treat someone reasonably.
They have been told what @Grinch123 wanted.
They didn't care about that, only how it impacted them.
They do not appear to have any capacity for self-reflection, and likely no interest in it either.
Every update from OP has made it clearer how toxic they are.

I would recommend OP & anyone else in that situation not getting into JADE (Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining).

Just walk away, and let them go. They won't ever be different, so there's no point in putting the effort in to try to change their toxic behaviour into something reasonable.

Well quite, they didn't inform her they were phoning the nursery.

I understand the wanting to create a Christmas you never had. I spent one Christmas with my mother when I was under a year old. Never after that as she didn't want me. I've done all I could for my children to have really lovely Christmas' and even though they are young adults now, we still hang up their stockings they've had since they were babies. When I split from their father my son didn't want to do the stockings. Then his younger sibling said, I do, we all know it's mum that did everything anyway, dad just took the photo..

You're doing great @Grinch123 . Log everything though. Your family will just get worse and dangerous if they've done all this already.

I can't believe they are still sending messages!!

They have really gone off at the deep end haven't they. Just protect yourself and enjoy getting ready for the amazing holiday.

My dad was a coalminer. HIs BIL had a much better job because my mum and her sisters were put into service so that the two boys in the family could have apprenticeships. This was back in the 1930s. My grandparents wanted their sons to escape the pits. (In Dad's case, he was a WW2 displaced person.)

I recall my dad getting home one night and telling my mother that his BIL had been waving around £100 notes one day after being paid. When he died, my mum was actually giving his widow money from time to time because her brother had spent all his money on drink. Some people just make bad choices.

Bet they wish they had got you that £10 box of chocolates now

I’m really pleased you are reporting to the police. It’s always worth noting even if nothing comes of it.

Contacting your child’s nursery?! wtf, that’s just completely bizarre! I hope you have a wonderful Christmas op.

Just have the best time ever! If you can, go to the Disney outlet stores. You can get good discounts on Disney stuff for you and your little one! I got a lounge fly bag for $20! There were loads of spirit jerseys at really good prices!

I second @Petrasings excellent advice.

I also think you should be very very clear to yourself, hurtful as it is, that their behaviour is not normal. You can't rationalise it, wonder if they really meant it.
There's enough of a list here... I won't repeat it but you know what it is.

A normal reaction is to say are you OK, do you need some help, we'd love to see you, how can we organise it so that its not so much work for you? That's what you would do for your DD if she was older.

Its knowing how much you love your own child, and comparing how you would treat them, to how your family have treated you ( and Im not just talking about Christmas but year round) and how they are treating you now because you've decided to do your own thing this year. You've done nothing to deserve this and unfortunately its true that "Eaten bread is soon forgotten". All the great things you've done for them in the past have gone out the window.

Several posters have expressed concerns about the behaviour of this bunch and I agree with them. Your last post was to say that the messages have become threatening .... (say this again. Because I said I wasn't hosting Christmas Day this year) You already have evidence of how they treated someone else who didn't obey them in the past.. and the nursery thing etc.

So DO NOT ENGAGE. You don't need to apologise, explain, justify, tell them what you are doing and why. Not at this point in time. It just gives them more ammo... I agree with posters who said that your sis tried to let herself into your house whilst you were visibly OUT to look for the presents before you got rid/returned.

You've made your stand and they are showing their true colours by their reaction. Allow some time to pass. You can have a rethink further down the line, but I think caution should be your watch word at the moment and better safe than sorry.
I'd even block the messages/emails whilst you are away because I'd be surprised if they managed to contain their vitriol and resentment whilst they know you might be enjoying a holiday, or try to get you to cut short your break. All of this sounds harsh, but so do they, and I think you need to protect yourself.

I read with horror your suspicions about the bank loan. (by protect, I mean thinking ahead, making your house/finances etc as secure as possible. Maybe in the new year you should think about making a will/llife insurance etc.. (horrid to think of it I know but I think its essential if you have children) and planning your financial and DD's future.

Don't worry about future Christmases etc... Its only one day. You can have busy sociable run ups to Christmas and a cozy actual day with your DD, nothing wrong with that. You have your lovely gorgeous DD, she is your family. You sound like an intelligent and enterprising person and you are giving yourself the chance to decide how your future will be and breaking free from toxic behaviours. Wishing you and your lovely DD a wonderful and well deserved Christmas break.

Stay strong OP.

Log the messages, and if it escalates the police can deal with it. The record will also be useful in case there is any malicious reporting to social services.

Focus on the holiday. Then when you come back, look at going for further therapy to help you unpack this. At the moment the adrenaline is keeping you going, and the holiday is something to aim for. But when life returns back to normal, the reality will catch up, and it's at this point that a good therapist will be able to help you navigate your new boundaries.

Well, we'll have to disagree. I don’t think OP's family have been told calmly how she feels, because right up until a week or so ago she was going along with the pattern of generosity and "responsibility" for her family that she has shown them for very many years.

Despite what some Mumsnetters seem to think, not many people feel they want to just cut off contact with family completely. OP is a single parent and says her family are very good with her child. It would be a pity if the child suddenly lost all her extended family without OP at least trying to explain her feelings and point of view. If it doesn’t work, at least she will know she did her best and can then proceed without any feelings of guilt (even though such feelings should be completely unnecessary).

It will be malicious…

Troll hunting is against MN rules - if you think it's a dodgy thread then you should report it and MN will investigate.

@Grinch123 I'm assuming you changed some of the details, but this is potentially all very identifiable, and worse, has all the hallmarks of a thread that is going to get picked up by the Daily Mail.

Particularly as you now feel that going to the police is appropriate, and there is a risk of further escalation, you should probably ask Mumsnet to pull these two threads at this stage (you just report your own post and say why).

Just want to say OP, your family are utterly batshit. Well done and I hope you have an amazing Christmas. You sound like a genuinely lovely person and you and your DD deserve better.