Cancelling Christmas Pt 2 - Updates

[Grinch123]

Hi all,

Know the last thread here filled up very quickly and there were so many wonderful and supportive comments that got me through a very tough 24 hours! Thank you if you contributed, it meant a lot 🙂

Starting a part 2 to provide updates/vent, (and take any Disney planning advice 😂) as a few people have asked and also I know I'll need more support over the next few weeks as it's been tough! If you want to stick around on this thread, I'd appreciate it.

Updates from yesterday:

Dropped off all Christmassy foods/stocking fillers etc at our local Foodbank. Couldn't get through to anyone at the charity that supports refuges - I'm in the office today but have emailed a nearby school to see if they want the bits to raffle off at their fayre this weekend.

Locks are changed! Thought this was a bit of an overreaction but DSis tried to come over again last night (we weren't in) so I guess not.

Told DD about Disney, she's ridiculously excited and I think young enough she doesn't realise this = missing out on a 'family' Christmas. Also bought festive Minnie PJs and Christmas ears online.

Family are being a nightmare. I have messages from all of them on pretty much any site you can message a person on (WhatsApp/messenger/texts/loads of missed calls) - everything from begging/emotional manipulation, to being told to F off (by a parent!) for screwing up Christmas because I like to use my money to control everyone and play with peoples feelings 😅 Also messages from mutual friends checking in because siblings have told them I've 'lost the plot' ~ and a concerned call from DDs nursery, evidently one of them has called the nursery worried about my mental health and asked if they could check in?! Thankfully the nursery haven't shared any info with them at all (they don't do any pick ups etc) but it was a painful conversation to have!

I've disassociated with it and messaged them all, once, along the lines of 'life is really busy at the moment, will look forward to catching up when we get back but I do need some space.' I think it's been a scales dropping from my eyes moment, because I'm sure lots of this would've worked on me in the past, but now it's just making me mad 😬

Definitely log them with police OP: it's abusive on their part and needs recording,and also could make your life easier down the line

OP well done for your bravery. In a post on this thread you mention which hotel you are staying in. Can I suggest you report the post to mumsnet and ask them to remove that info? I am worried someone in your family will seethe post (maybe if it gets picked up in the papers) and try to cause you trouble on holiday.

They may well be earning enough to live, just not to have £400 lego sets and Uggs.

I just wanted to add to the chorus of well done on drawing a line under the way your family have treated you and in such style as well ! I haven’t been to Disney but I think it will be the perfect antidote to the sour appalling behaviour they have meted out to you. It sounds like perfection for your DD and I think the quality of this Christmas and those to come lies in authenticity and just having lots of family counts for nothing if it’s under the circumstances you described.
Best of luck with everything you are making it sound easy but I’m sure it’s painful as well

I don't think the OP has mentioned the name of a hotel either on this thread or her first one. Luckily!

@Grinch123

I am very sorry to hear what you are going through with your family. I hope that at least this terrible treatment is giving you the resolve you need to stick to your guns.

It's clear from what you have said that your family have mental health problems, and that undoubtedly factors into their behaviour, but they are still behaving abusively, whether they are aware of that or not.

I think after your Christmas break, when hopefully you will have had time to relax, it would be best to send a message to your family in which you make it very clear how you feel about how they have treated you in the past. They need to be told that it ends now and they need to change their behaviour and have some respect for you as a person if they want to maintain a relationship.

If things continue to escalate on their end, I think you may end up having to do some soul-searching and think about whether you actually want to keep your family in your life? It's not just you, it's your young daughter - she is young enough that she hasn't really been exposed to much of the toxicity, and any that she may have witnessed has probably gone right over her head. But what about as she gets older? It may not be healthy for her to have much to do with these relatives if they continue to behave the way they have been.

If they have contacted Social Services - then Social Service will have recorded it. But that may be all they do ( and mainly incase there is a pattern of reports from a range of people (e.g. Doctors, nursery etc.)

If they do contact you just be open and honest. You've decided to take your DD on holiday to Disney instead of hosting a Christmas. No you can't think why they reported. Maybe they're jealous?

I'm wondering if you have a friend who like to house sit over the period, Xmas in a different place etc? Just to keep an eye on the house. If it were me, I'd consider thinking about that, providing a fully stocked fridge, and warning them. May not work though.

The angry reactions to you creating a boundary are very telling. They are upset that they won't get what you've given them for so long.

No apologies, just more wheedling and pretending they care. You are absolutely making the right decision. Have a wonderful Christmas and build something lovely for you and DD for next year.

We have just me, DH and his DD and its lovely.

Well done for logging these messages with police.
Maybe next year you will move.

OP, you are amazing for standing your ground ground!! I feel so proud of you, and I don't even know you!

I cut off toxic family and worried about my kids not having the 'big Christmas' experience, and yet that just never happened - once I removed us from being with 'family', it opened up invitations from other people who always assumed we would be with family. And guess what? It's been lovely, we now have our own Christmas traditions.

Oddly, we also always go to Disney at Christmas! Not for Christmas Day, although this is the plan next year, but always over the season and it's amazing. It'll be busy and then crowd levels will just drop and you'll get the benefit of enjoyment without it being chocker. We love this time of year weather wise too, it can be up and down some days are hotter than others but it's ideal for doing the parks and it not being too hot and not being able to enjoy it.

Please start logging things with the police - we done this. There are lots of logs that the police could then follow up on should we have chosen to go down the harassment route. Keep ALL correspondence/write down ANYTHING that happens.

It'll be hard for a week or so before you get to Disney, but when you're there, they can't touch you. Block contact if you need to. You're going to have a magical time and I've got a feeling this may be the start of your own new Christmas tradition.

Christmas at Disney? Give me that any day over giving presents to ungrateful bastards who just see you as a walking fund for them.

Also, please invest in some good therapy - can't recommend it enough!

Make sure you screen shot everything

I am SO PROUD of you op. I'm actually emotional for you! You will have the best time at Disney, I couldn't think of a better idea! It's my favourite place in the world and you are an absolute badass.

I'm cynical enough to believe that she waited for OP to leave the house so that she could carry out her not-so-cunning plan.

Also, OP, please report your post that details where you are staying to mumsnet, just incase.

Glad you have logged the threatening messages with the police. Should they (police not family) come to see you to discuss what is happening and why, then show them the first thread on here. It will explain it all very succinctly.

I know you want to think they are not being malicious grinch but they Are! They are sitting there trying to plot your downfall. They want SS involved and if it was possible get your daughter removed from your care they would be waving the flags in excitement. If it was possible they could get you sacked they would. They are so jealous of you and dd, they are extremely dangerous and they feel like you have crossed them! They are not going to stop as they are raging, true narcissists the lot of them.

I'm not surprised it's now taking a turn towards threatening messages. You are their meal ticket de facto parent, and they don't want to give up their free ride.

I would personally never have any of them in my home again, especially after your sis was caught trying to get in with her key. Probably to take the gifts or, worse, your passports so you can't travel!

Lock down you accounts, change any passwords they might know, put passwords on your travel accounts, etc, so they can't cancel your tickets. They know enough personal data about you to do it successfully if they try, otw.

Sorry, I see she has mentioned a hotel name somewhere but by the time I got to the post, it already said "hotel name redacted", so hopefully it wasn't up for a long time?

Honestly op block them and cut them from your life - they have shown you who they are. Keep you and your daughter away from it,

No.

This is not helpful. The OP's family are so toxic that they've tried to punish her by contacting her daughter's nursery.

There is no saving the relationship with the family.

Just read your OP and I can not believe they called your daughter's nursery. That is just next level ridiculous and manipulation. I wonder if they are trying to shame you.

When I've heard on the news today that people are missing the point and justifying why a child wasn't saved from being murdered, we have a relative calling nursery because a child's mum has put her foot down with demanding relatives! Call nursery when you have a genuine worry. Nor because you're sulking you want presents!

Yes op did mention the hotel name for Disney, so please get that post deleted if you can.

Thank you to those who have flagged this - I'm an idiot and didn't even think. It's been removed now.

From now on anything and everything your family do get it in writing. Get the nursery to email you with what your family says and it's response to it. Get it in writing that none of your family are allowed to pick your DD up.

Do not speak to your family. They can WhatsApp or email you.

They are acting like entitled children. You will not subsidise them any longer so they think they can bully you into it.

People like this amaze me. They really think they are so important they can treat others the way that they want and still have a relationship or friendship that suits them. No. No one treats you like this ever again!