Cancelling Christmas Pt 2 - Updates

[Grinch123]

Hi all,

Know the last thread here filled up very quickly and there were so many wonderful and supportive comments that got me through a very tough 24 hours! Thank you if you contributed, it meant a lot 🙂

Starting a part 2 to provide updates/vent, (and take any Disney planning advice 😂) as a few people have asked and also I know I'll need more support over the next few weeks as it's been tough! If you want to stick around on this thread, I'd appreciate it.

Updates from yesterday:

Dropped off all Christmassy foods/stocking fillers etc at our local Foodbank. Couldn't get through to anyone at the charity that supports refuges - I'm in the office today but have emailed a nearby school to see if they want the bits to raffle off at their fayre this weekend.

Locks are changed! Thought this was a bit of an overreaction but DSis tried to come over again last night (we weren't in) so I guess not.

Told DD about Disney, she's ridiculously excited and I think young enough she doesn't realise this = missing out on a 'family' Christmas. Also bought festive Minnie PJs and Christmas ears online.

Family are being a nightmare. I have messages from all of them on pretty much any site you can message a person on (WhatsApp/messenger/texts/loads of missed calls) - everything from begging/emotional manipulation, to being told to F off (by a parent!) for screwing up Christmas because I like to use my money to control everyone and play with peoples feelings 😅 Also messages from mutual friends checking in because siblings have told them I've 'lost the plot' ~ and a concerned call from DDs nursery, evidently one of them has called the nursery worried about my mental health and asked if they could check in?! Thankfully the nursery haven't shared any info with them at all (they don't do any pick ups etc) but it was a painful conversation to have!

I've disassociated with it and messaged them all, once, along the lines of 'life is really busy at the moment, will look forward to catching up when we get back but I do need some space.' I think it's been a scales dropping from my eyes moment, because I'm sure lots of this would've worked on me in the past, but now it's just making me mad 😬

And btw op, if they have already decided to try and discredit you by any means possible they have almost run out of road already.

I could not have these people in my life ever again. It is horrendous the lengths they are going to, to cause you as much pain and anguish as possible. It sounds like revenge and rejection. These are never ever going to be good people to have around your little dd.

It could delay your trip, OP. I don't know the specifics of this, but I imagine you wouldn't be able to travel with your DD until SS had concluded it was a malicious report. This is why I, and some other posters have suggested it's a good idea to be proactive and report the harassment now rather than be on the back foot and having to explain that your family are harassing you to SS if they contact you about a report made to them.

If you can say, "they are harassing me, please refer to the police report logged on X date", then it would be more obvious to SS that any report from your family is baseless.

No they don't. I don't think they even know the name (it's complicated and I don't want to get in details of it - but I'm not concerned).

You don’t need to give details grinch. Most pp are just looking out for you. Trying to preempt their actions so you are properly and adequately prepared.

I actually think a call to report the harassment is a very good idea. It is a protective measure. You don’t have to press charges unless you want to.
If your dd was going through this op what would you want her to do?

if you don't like it you know what to do...

CIFAS is a good thing to get for an extra layer of fraud protection.

@PinkPolkadotFlamingo and @Petrasings thank you. I'm the last person who would go to the police about anything like this but I've received another few messages this afternoon that are quite worrying/threatening and have lost the underlying 'welfare' tone I think it's time to log them. Am filling out the online form now.

Are the messages from your family?

This is awful.

Imagine what is on the other WhatsApp chat you are excluded from!

Many people work hard in jobs that will never pay 6-figure salaries. That may indeed be a result of their own decisions, e.g. thinking school is a waste of time, not wanting to study etc. There are also people who choose a low-paid career because they wish to help society - they are also poor through their own choice (but probably don't make a song and dance about it). OTH we need people who are willing and able to work at those jobs - so perhaps they should earn more? Societies that have smaller gaps between rich and poor than ours tend to be happier, too.
As to OP, I think she has done the right thing, but does indeed need to report blackmailing and contacting her DD's nursery to suggest she is an unfit mother - these things can stick around. I am sure she will enjoy Disney - and many holidays in the future. She has my vote for off-loading a pack of ingrates.

When you've had your lovely Christmas, I think you do need to give some thought to moving house.

Yup. Plus they'll have to make their own dinner.

Yes and moving area!!

This is a good call. The best one you have made yet. Once logged and filed you can choose to have a restraining order in time or other protective measures if you need them. Of course it would be nice if it turns out that you won’t need them, but given the escalating seriousness and the protection this will offer you, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

I am sorry they are threatening you. I imagine it must be really hard to see who they really are. But it is in yours and dds interest to face up to this now, they were always wolves wearing sheep’s clothing to secure the perks of being related to you.

Really glad to hear you're logging these threatening/concerning messages with the police.

If a malicious report to SS is done, at least you have nursery and the police report, along with the actual messages to show you that it's all malicious on their part.

They are proper crazies. Feel for you. Enjoy Disney!

Oh this is awful of them, goes way, way beyond being useless and guilt trippy/greedy about Christmas. Is it all your family or are some the main offenders? Agree with the suggestion to report them, inform your family - keep it as non-escalating as possible in these circumstances (tricky!) eg saying you don't want drama, you won't press charges but you have had to log it with police as your DD's safety is now at risk. If there's one sibling who's slightly less involved in the drama, maybe tell them directly and ask them to get the others to stop it!

Do you have good friends around you? On your last thread you were concerned about DD missing out on family Christmas. She's lucky to have an amazing mum (and dreamy Disney Christmas!!) and it could be lovely for you to build your own 'family' of caring friends, if your blood relations continue acting in this way.

Make sure the frequency is logged so it hits the harassment threshold in case you need to activate a non mol.

Glad you're reporting, OP, hopefully they'll give up! If not, have you considered the possibly of getting a non-molestation order?

It might be of some consolation that we were actually on holiday when this happened to us (with ss) and it was completely fine. We chatted to them on our return and they didn’t even bother with a visit and closed the case. It was a total non issue, but it did give dh and I sleepless nights. It really is unforgivable. I hope and pray this doesn’t happen to you. And you can leave for your holidays and enjoy your Christmas as planned.

Worrying and threatening messages? Don't let them bully you..all of this if anything will only destroy what relations / terms you were willing to keep on (with boundaries). You definitely shouldn't be threatened into providing anything for them. It's a very dysfunctional and bizarre attempt to relinquish control but that manner will never work. At best people who use this approach just get a fake outcome presumably to keep the peace whilst secretly creating inner loathing in the recipient at being forced into doing something they don't want to do

I agree, @Grammarnut. We should value all the jobs, not just the ones paying the six figure salaries. We, as a society, rely on the people doing all the low paid jobs - keeping the streets clean, looking after the elderly and small children, catering, cleaning, working in shops and factories - without these (and many other) workers, society would grind to a halt.

Someone who is working full time, ought to be earning enough to live.

I once dealt with harassment from a family member (MIL) by a little white lie. It was a very long time ago in the days of landlines but basically she didn't approve of me (as a "foreigner") so started making several silent calls at 3am every night.

So the next time we visited we dropped into the conversation with her that we had been getting odd calls and the police were taking it seriously because of DH's job and monitoring our incoming calls. Funnily enough we never got another after that ....

OP I've just found your threads and want to say you are doing amazing. It's not hard to confront the true situation when family stuff is complicated like this. You've been the parent and stuffing down your own needs and feelings. It's time to focus only on yourself and your DD for a good long while now.

Ignore any requests for money. Just a blank statement for any requests of "I've decided not to give or loan money to people going forward, as I need to focus on my own finances staying stable for my child and their future." You can always send links to financial support organisations.

I suspect you may find you have to block them for a while anyway op. I sense they're going to be getting angry and kicking off with their manipulations now, so I think you need to batten down the hatches and prepare for a bit of a shit storm! 😔 Change any passwords on emails and finances, let your bank no the dates you'll be abroad (my bank let you do this online), up home security if you only have the ring doorbell (e.g. do you have other CCTV/alarms etc).

I'm a single mum and have had some lovely small xmases with my eldest just me and him. I LOVE you idea of a disney Xmas though! 😍 That will be amazing for you both. I hope you have a magical time, you deserve it op.

Is it all of them messaging you or just a particular family member? Because if it's just one, would it be worth messaging your sister to say the escalation of threats needs to stop?