AIBU to be having nightmares over friends visit?

[Allinarow48]

Having nightmares over old friends visit.

One of my closest friends is coming to visit over Christmas, after 10 years living abroad with only ocassional visits I should be excited but I’m actually terrified.

I was best mates with “Jane” since we were kids, we lived together during college and were absolutely inseparable. We really, really loved each other for years and went through a lot together. She is also good friends with my DH and my DD loves her.

During her time abroad she has met a lovely man, had a beautiful son (age 2) and started her own business.

She’s always suffered badly with depression and anxiety and her mental health has been fragile. Although in her new country she found some excellent therapists who really helped her. However lately she seems to be spiralling .

It started during Covid, I think she got very deep into social media. She’s always been very politically active and since she had her son the plight of children in Gaza has been a huge focus for her.

She’s always been very vehemently anti Israel since I’ve known her (We’re Irish and that’s very normal here).

She began to post pro-Hamas stuff just after the 7/11 attacks on Israel and immediately shared Hamas videos of the attacks ( the murder of Israelis and desecration of corpses etc.) With added commentary “This is beautiful to me.” “This is how freedom is gained.” Etc. A lot of Irish people are still quite pro-IRA and once again the support of Hamas isn’t that unusual but actually sharing the videos was extreme.

She then started posting videos of dead Gazan children pretty much continuously. Due to the time difference I can see most of her posting is done at night. I think she posts while feeding her son. Videos accompanied by “This is me.” “This is my son.” “I am Palestine.” kind of stuff. She said in one post that her ability to care for her son has been affected by the secondary trauma of what happening in Gaza.

Then recently she began to go from “Death to Israel” to “Death to the Jews.” She posted in Arabic and I translated it. It was an insta story and then disappeared. And since then she’s pretty much transitioned from anti-Israel to Anti-western and fairly drastic Antisemetic stuff “They didn’t gas enough of you” that kind of thing.

Then she went on to say recently that anyone who doesn’t agree with her should kill themselves or be killed and burn in hell etc…

Now here’s the thing: I’m Jewish, non practicing, I have relatives in Israel and lost a friend to the Hamas attacks. I’m disgusted by the Israeli government at the moment and have a lot of sympathy for the Gazan people but I don’t hate the Israeli people either. I am actually quite middle of the road politically.

Being Irish, Jewishness is is not something I have ever advertised and I’m actually not sure I’ve I ever told her. If she’s aware and doesn’t care or has forgotten and doesn’t mind me seeing her posts.

My mistake is that I never responded to any of her posts and never argued with her. She seems to think we’re totally cool. So she contacted me wanting to see me over Christmas for a day or 2.

I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’m scared I’ll say something or do something that upsets her and she freaks out, or something I do or don’t say triggers her mental heath problems and she hurts herself. I also feel bad that my dishonesty caused this situation. If I has said something last year she would probably have ditched me and never wanted to see me again.

I would like some advice on how to proceed.

That said I've been at nightclubs in cork and Tipp where they have played songs where everyone is happy to sing about Paul McGrath and up the ra, in Limerick where they sing Sean South, and on the occasion where I thought there would be trouble up north where they played black and tans. However maybe the awareness is generational - I'm mid 40s.... Look at who the biggest act was at Electric Picnic - Wolfe Tones are now huge among teenagers and those in early 20s who have no real link or understanding of the troubles and were born after 1990. It's not popular again but in a different way. But that said this is still derailing your thread. Sorry. Ra is a bit like fight club and no one will talk about it only than to deny that it still exist

Well if you're talking about the English occupation of Ireland it was 5 times as long ago as your 200 years. My 100 years is about when they stopped the British martial law and routine extrajudicial killings (including FWIW my great uncle) in most of Ireland. And I'm English.

From Northern Ireland here too and I think this is to some extent true. I don't think anyone wants to go back to the troubles and the trauma of the troubles for sure, but I also think there's still a sense that the IRA were fighting for freedom against political injustices and for many communities I work with its definitely just there under the surface if you scratch even a little. I don't think op has said anything massively out of turn in that respect. It maybe depends on the communities you're moving in.

Op back to your original post. I think it depends on how much you value this friendship. I think her posts are abhorrent to be honest but I also would like to think that we can still reach people who are down an extremist worm hole with a bit of humanity and I don't believe that leaving people in echo chambers of social media is a solution in the slightest. That being said - this also isn't your job to fix and you aren't required to do anything about this if you aren't comfortable.

If you do want to try to retain a friendship, then I'd be inclined to ring her and say that there is something you need to talk with her about before she comes to visit. And I'd tell her that you've been seeing all her posts and specifically the anti semitic ones and that you are Jewish and you find her sentiments deeply hurtful. That you've been sitting on this for a while because you were worried about how she'd react to this information but that it's at a point where she either needs to rethink what she's posting in order to respect you as her friend, or you just can't continue to have her in your life because while you don't politically align with the israeli gov actions (and I'd specifically name the posts where she's directly asking for Jewish people to be harmed or killed) these specific posts are offensive and hurtful to you and are taking things too far. I'd say that you understand she didn't know you were Jewish, but she does now and you'll be watching what she does going forwards to decide whether or not you can continue a friendship. That the ball is in her court but that you don't tolerate such extremist views in your relationships and that you are worried about what she's engaging with online.

It's so so easy for hate to thrive when there's no actual human being on the other end of it. I think op the difficult bit will be preparing yourself for her reaction not being what you'd hope for, if you do decide to tell her which is why I think it's important you only do this if you feel its the right option for you.

If its not, then to be honest I'd just message and be direct and say that you can no longer associate with someone who has such strongly anti semitic views so in order to protect yourself and your family and your mental wellbeing you won't be engaging with her going forwards and end the friendship.

Either way, I think it's important that you call her out if you can, if you feel safe to do so.

Thank you

Tell her not to come because you are washing your hair... strand by strand... therefore it is going to take a very long time - like you won't be able to see her for years...

but seriously, she sounds awful!

Get rid. Nobody needs a jew hating bigot in their life.

I'm Irish too, and I know the kind of bleeding heart hater you're describing.

Smug, self-righteous, no sense of self-awareness, and no boundaries whatsoever.

I'd tell her straight up that you are concerned about her mental state and express the hope that she'll get help for her problem. Also, that you won't be able to host her if she visits Ireland. You don't need to offer an explanation.

I have done this with a cousin who thought she could drop by and spend a day spewing verbal diarrhoea in my home (different bilge from your friend's but same bucket, to turn a phrase backwards). We're no longer in touch and that's fine with me.

The Fields of Athenry is a sectarian song and sung by the Irish at football and Rugby matches.
Listen to them sing it at the end of Euro 2016 in France. ( tissues a ready )

Lovely

Thank you! I was always told not to tell people by my parents and I understand why!

I was talking about the expansion of the British Empire that is used as justification for hating the British/English.

If you want to play that game, I am also part English and Irish. Many of my Irish ancestors game here fleeing the famine.

However, no ethnic group deserves hatred or blame for governmental decisions and policies - especially those from the 1800's when people didn't have the vote and everyone is several generations dead.

Wow

From my experience growing up in rural Ireland in the 80s and 90s I saw no support for the IRA actions at that time. I saw fear and anger towards the IRA.

To say a lot of Irish people are still pro IRA is simply untrue.

I think this ^ is the most honest and most correct approach.

From Northern Ireland here too and I think this is to some extent true. I don't think anyone wants to go back to the troubles and the trauma of the troubles for sure, but I also think there's still a sense that the IRA were fighting for freedom against political injustices and for many communities I work with its definitely just there under the surface if you scratch even a little. I don't think op has said anything massively out of turn in that respect. It maybe depends on the communities you're moving in.

@Lavender14 ROI generally is different to NI in this regard in that communities have been able to/allowed to move on. It usually takes generations to heal and that has happened for the most part in ROI where the last fighting in North Kerry or Cork (where I am) was the Civil War.
It may be different in border counties. NI is still raw so it’s a different situation.

I’m curious OP what do you think her attitude towards you would be if you told her that you were Jewish?
Given the extent of her extremism do you think that she would possibly end the friendship with you?
If she is as extreme as you say she probably wouldn’t want anything more to do with you and may even end the friendship thus saying you a job.
Honestly though OP this woman isn’t right. Don’t see her again. Don’t let her near your DD.
You don’t know the depths of her mental health problems and if she is radicalised, and it certainly seems that she could be, then have nothing to do with her.
Id be terrified as to what she could do.

There should be various boundaries between friends and family. My relatives and I never even knew who we voted for. I had great friendships with old schoolmates even though I knew they were on the opposite sides of the political spectrum because we knew when to leave it at the door.

I've also had the experience of someone I thought was a friend suddenly swamp me with anti-vax propaganda, QAnon conspiracy theories and far-right disinformation. She also had a history of depression. Well, so do I. What of it?

Huge red flag. Alarm bells. Doesn't matter how buddy-buddy you were in the past. Depression does not give someone an excuse to trample roughshod over and violate boundaries of civility and respect, and to flagrantly disregard your heritage. The behaviour certainly is symptomatic of something deeper, but it's not your responsibility to sort out and I would back out of this visit, and recalibrate the friendship.

It's an open question whether anything can be salvaged out of the situation. That's a story for another day. But for now I would drastically cut contact or even sever ties altogether. Visit? Out of the question.

I think you really need to write her a heartfelt text or email - even if it turns out to be a final one. Remind her that you're a Jew and you feel scared that she hates you so much for your ethnicity and religion when you've done nothing. That you don't feel comfortable visiting her. Pulling an excuse won't make her 'think' . You need to tell her straight; she might then start to think that there are innocent people she is spewing hate on. I would tell her you don't feel comfortable or up to having a visit at this time. You can soften the blow by saying you agree with her sentiments about what is happening in Palestine, but you are scared for the level of hatred she has, and you feel she hates you and you feel scared personally. Depending on her response, then you can decide what to do (continue visit, or block her).

As an Irish person living in the North I'm curious why you've reported this given that it's certainly been my experience that there are a lot of Irish people who are still in support of the IRA? I work in plenty of disillusioned communities where young men especially are still expected to grow up to join prescribed organisations. I've worked with young people who's homes were being used to store weapons, they accepted it because it was what they were raised to think was their role in their community and it was absolutely glorified. Is it a majority? No of course not - lots of people strongly disagree with all parties contributing to the troubles- but then op didn't say it was a majority did she? Just that there are a lot which is true in certain areas. You've clearly no real idea of the sheer trauma and disenfranchisement many communities are still living under if you're having a knee jerk 'not all Irish' reaction to this post. There are lots of people who are in support of the core principles of what the ira stood for, and there's people out there who still now believe that violence is the only way to achieve a United Ireland. There are mediation talks happening all the time. A restaurant I was eating in was blown up a few years ago - that didn't just appear it was arranged by people who still believe there's a battle to be fought.

Thank you. I'm so sorry you had that experience. Bless you for the work you're doing.

I wouldn't see her for a second. Someone who posts that not enough Jews were gassed, or "death to the Jews" is a murderous anti semite. Not someone who I would willing set eyes on for a moment.
This isn't about your "dishonesty" for a second.

If she were my friend, I would uninvite her and I'm not Jewish. She is anti-Semitic and a supporter of terrorism. I wouldn't let her in my home.

Talking of the reality as it is now and was is not breading hate.
If you’ve never lived it and don’t currently ‘see’ it it’s easy to dismiss it and call it hate.
Thankyou @Lavender14

Are you talking about the situation in NI though@Lavender14?

Because OP is in ROI, and very far south, and thus what she said could be taken as representative of attitudes in ROI. However, her experience is not typical and she’s misrepresenting most people’s opinions here ime.

Well obviously not. I don't want to blame Jews in general or all Israeli Jews for what is happening in the ME. Let alone all British for crimes in Ireland. But it doesn't change the fact that there are parallels between occupations and repression in different places.

Though actually it was 1900s I was talking about.

OP, anyone that described an atrocity as beautiful would be dead to me. Whatever her reasons for spewing this shite, it’s not your problem. Cut her off, for your own piece of mind. She may have been a friend once but now scheduled brings nothing to your life but hatred. Let her go.