AIBU to be having nightmares over friends visit?

[Allinarow48]

Having nightmares over old friends visit.

One of my closest friends is coming to visit over Christmas, after 10 years living abroad with only ocassional visits I should be excited but I’m actually terrified.

I was best mates with “Jane” since we were kids, we lived together during college and were absolutely inseparable. We really, really loved each other for years and went through a lot together. She is also good friends with my DH and my DD loves her.

During her time abroad she has met a lovely man, had a beautiful son (age 2) and started her own business.

She’s always suffered badly with depression and anxiety and her mental health has been fragile. Although in her new country she found some excellent therapists who really helped her. However lately she seems to be spiralling .

It started during Covid, I think she got very deep into social media. She’s always been very politically active and since she had her son the plight of children in Gaza has been a huge focus for her.

She’s always been very vehemently anti Israel since I’ve known her (We’re Irish and that’s very normal here).

She began to post pro-Hamas stuff just after the 7/11 attacks on Israel and immediately shared Hamas videos of the attacks ( the murder of Israelis and desecration of corpses etc.) With added commentary “This is beautiful to me.” “This is how freedom is gained.” Etc. A lot of Irish people are still quite pro-IRA and once again the support of Hamas isn’t that unusual but actually sharing the videos was extreme.

She then started posting videos of dead Gazan children pretty much continuously. Due to the time difference I can see most of her posting is done at night. I think she posts while feeding her son. Videos accompanied by “This is me.” “This is my son.” “I am Palestine.” kind of stuff. She said in one post that her ability to care for her son has been affected by the secondary trauma of what happening in Gaza.

Then recently she began to go from “Death to Israel” to “Death to the Jews.” She posted in Arabic and I translated it. It was an insta story and then disappeared. And since then she’s pretty much transitioned from anti-Israel to Anti-western and fairly drastic Antisemetic stuff “They didn’t gas enough of you” that kind of thing.

Then she went on to say recently that anyone who doesn’t agree with her should kill themselves or be killed and burn in hell etc…

Now here’s the thing: I’m Jewish, non practicing, I have relatives in Israel and lost a friend to the Hamas attacks. I’m disgusted by the Israeli government at the moment and have a lot of sympathy for the Gazan people but I don’t hate the Israeli people either. I am actually quite middle of the road politically.

Being Irish, Jewishness is is not something I have ever advertised and I’m actually not sure I’ve I ever told her. If she’s aware and doesn’t care or has forgotten and doesn’t mind me seeing her posts.

My mistake is that I never responded to any of her posts and never argued with her. She seems to think we’re totally cool. So she contacted me wanting to see me over Christmas for a day or 2.

I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’m scared I’ll say something or do something that upsets her and she freaks out, or something I do or don’t say triggers her mental heath problems and she hurts herself. I also feel bad that my dishonesty caused this situation. If I has said something last year she would probably have ditched me and never wanted to see me again.

I would like some advice on how to proceed.

I’m Irish too and I would lean towards being on the same page as your friend (maybe not as extreme) but our history is intertwined with Palestine.

I would say put politics aside and see her over Christmas. If it comes up, you should tell her that you’re Jewish but explain that you understand Israel is in the wrong with some of their actions (basically what you said in your post). Hopefully you can agree to disagree on areas where you have different opinions.

Thank you!

It is absoutley untrue that many Irish people support the IRA.

Yes it does. You woudn't have experienced the same culture growing up.

The Irish have always supported the Palestinians cause.
The reason is because of their similar history
It is what it is.

I think British posters are fully aware of our own innocent civilians being murdered, thank you.

And no one ever shuts up about "British colonialism and slavery" - to the point of inciting hatred against living British people, for the actions of a small number of very rich individuals 200+ years ago before we even had the vote.

So focused is the education system on British and European colonialism that school children do not realise that brutal empires and slave trades existed outside of Europe - some with European countries as victims.

I think you should ask to edit your post. In wanting to talk about how your friend is racist you have (perhaps inadvertently) been offensive about Irish people. I’m Irish and whilst I don’t disbelieve you have witnessed this behaviour in your small region of the country, it is certainly not my experience nor that if anyone I know. I’m older than you and have lived in large cities and in rural Ireland.

No they haven’t Anxious

Your history is not similar. Gross oversimplification and total glossing over of facts is necessary to believe that.

This is true! I was a lefty as a young person and I have moved more centrist over time ( Probably still left of centre.) but the same cannot be said for most of my friends including this one. She went further left for sure.

Am I in an echo chamber?

Yes of course.
Although I was in Derry and too busy avoiding being shot at, and not by the IRA either

This would be friendship ending for me I'm afraid. She sounds deranged, "they didn't gas enough of you". Sorry but that is sadistic. Tell her you're Jewish and you can't tolerate her hatred.

Ok so its just us then...Fuck.

ITYM 100 years ago. I'll say nothing about more recent history.

No.
It really isn’t OP
but this subject has derailed your thread.

It is not the case that many Irish people support the IRA.
If you meant to say that many Irish people support a united Ireland you should ask to have your post amended.

Seriously? You can't have someone with extreme views like that around you, especially given your religion. Her language is horrific. I'm not Jewish and I wouldn't even consider associating with her.

Today I learned that the British Empire was established 100 years ago.

Thank you so much for this. There is a lot they have in common. I have long suspected she has BPD although if she was ever formally diagnosed she never said anything. I think it really is a case of being her own worse enemy and I'm so sad that our story ends this way. I still don't hate her. I don't want harm to come to her, and I'm scared it will because she's hurt herself before, but I just can't with this stuff.

There is a huge difference between understanding the plight of Palestinians/ being anti Israeli establishment, and being fully pro-Hamas, saying slaughter is "beautiful", and wishing death upon more Jews.

It is gobsmacking that anyone is suggesting to should "put politics aside" to see her. She is no longer your friend. She's a radicalised anti-Semite. She is glorifying in the murder of people like you and your family. That's the reality of it.

Mourn for the friendship that was, but that friendship doesn't exist anymore, and it is not your job to try and fix her regardless of whether she is in crisis or not. If she's this far gone on SM and the war is such a part of her daily thinking then it's inevitable she will raise it in person, or be scrolling/posting and showing you. Why on Earth would you willingly put yourself at risk of that? Make whatever excuses you feel you need to, but please cancel the visit.

I wouldn’t tell her about Jewish ancestry. I would meet her up somewhere on neutral territory, not at home and focus on asking her a lot of questions about her DC and Australia and how she met her DH etc and then I phase the friendship out. I know your feelings DH was going out recently with friends one of whom is really anti Israel, luckily they talked only about work stuff.

You could claim Covid but if it’s a small place she could bump into you somewhere.

And I absolutely believe that you didn’t tell her about being Jewish. People who don’t believe either are very naive or know nothing about real life, and definitely not Jewish.

N Kerry is not Ireland - maybe that is the mental adjustment you need to make. I’m fully aware of how different N Kerry was during the troubles, black flags flying outside of houses etc, and no doubt relics of that attitude remain. But it is a small sparsely populated area and it is not representative of Ireland or of Irish people as a whole and I think your OP is damaging and you should edit it. In any case it is ironic that on a post complaining about racism you are yourself also generalising = stereotyping about a whole other nation. Yes this has all derailed but if you were more careful with your own words it could be avoided.

I'm so sorry you've had to read those comments and views OP, especially from someone you loved or even still love. I can't imagine how deeply that must hurt. I honestly would unfollow her at the very least on social media so you don't have to be subjected to that.

As to seeing her, I absolutely would not see her. Personally I wouldn't be in contact with her again either but that's entirely down to you. If you don't want the conversation (totally understandable) just make an excuse and then stop replying after that.

It's not true. You've upset so many because you keep insisting your statements represent most of the Irish when that's not true. That might be the way things are in North Kerry, where you live, but North Kerry doesn't represent the rest of Ireland.

What you've described is simply untrue for most Irish/ other parts of the country. I'm in my 40s, grew up in rural Ireland and never heard or experienced anything you've described. I've also lived in a different part of the country to my home county and never heard the like there either. I've lived in both rural areas and cities. Your insistence that "most Irish" and " a lot of Irish" believe what you describe isn't true, that's why so many are offended.

I don't care.