AIBU to be having nightmares over friends visit?

[Allinarow48]

Having nightmares over old friends visit.

One of my closest friends is coming to visit over Christmas, after 10 years living abroad with only ocassional visits I should be excited but I’m actually terrified.

I was best mates with “Jane” since we were kids, we lived together during college and were absolutely inseparable. We really, really loved each other for years and went through a lot together. She is also good friends with my DH and my DD loves her.

During her time abroad she has met a lovely man, had a beautiful son (age 2) and started her own business.

She’s always suffered badly with depression and anxiety and her mental health has been fragile. Although in her new country she found some excellent therapists who really helped her. However lately she seems to be spiralling .

It started during Covid, I think she got very deep into social media. She’s always been very politically active and since she had her son the plight of children in Gaza has been a huge focus for her.

She’s always been very vehemently anti Israel since I’ve known her (We’re Irish and that’s very normal here).

She began to post pro-Hamas stuff just after the 7/11 attacks on Israel and immediately shared Hamas videos of the attacks ( the murder of Israelis and desecration of corpses etc.) With added commentary “This is beautiful to me.” “This is how freedom is gained.” Etc. A lot of Irish people are still quite pro-IRA and once again the support of Hamas isn’t that unusual but actually sharing the videos was extreme.

She then started posting videos of dead Gazan children pretty much continuously. Due to the time difference I can see most of her posting is done at night. I think she posts while feeding her son. Videos accompanied by “This is me.” “This is my son.” “I am Palestine.” kind of stuff. She said in one post that her ability to care for her son has been affected by the secondary trauma of what happening in Gaza.

Then recently she began to go from “Death to Israel” to “Death to the Jews.” She posted in Arabic and I translated it. It was an insta story and then disappeared. And since then she’s pretty much transitioned from anti-Israel to Anti-western and fairly drastic Antisemetic stuff “They didn’t gas enough of you” that kind of thing.

Then she went on to say recently that anyone who doesn’t agree with her should kill themselves or be killed and burn in hell etc…

Now here’s the thing: I’m Jewish, non practicing, I have relatives in Israel and lost a friend to the Hamas attacks. I’m disgusted by the Israeli government at the moment and have a lot of sympathy for the Gazan people but I don’t hate the Israeli people either. I am actually quite middle of the road politically.

Being Irish, Jewishness is is not something I have ever advertised and I’m actually not sure I’ve I ever told her. If she’s aware and doesn’t care or has forgotten and doesn’t mind me seeing her posts.

My mistake is that I never responded to any of her posts and never argued with her. She seems to think we’re totally cool. So she contacted me wanting to see me over Christmas for a day or 2.

I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’m scared I’ll say something or do something that upsets her and she freaks out, or something I do or don’t say triggers her mental heath problems and she hurts herself. I also feel bad that my dishonesty caused this situation. If I has said something last year she would probably have ditched me and never wanted to see me again.

I would like some advice on how to proceed.

I’m NI born and bred and have lived all over, including rural Derry, Belfast and Cork. I’m in my 50s so grew up throughout the Troubles. I have met (and once been assaulted by) IRA sympathisers everywhere I’ve lived, oh and in Kilburn too. I’ve met a few UDA/UVF sympathisers too. I left Ireland ten years ago, I would like to think all that shit has died out, but I doubt it. As for the friend, I would cut her dead, and maybe tell her why if I had the energy for it.

It is breeding hate and condescending to say if someone hasn’t ‘lived it don’t see’ can’t comprehend, have you lived it? Or indeed op
@Lavender14 it’s quite clear you have the same views as @Allinarow48 who believes ‘most’ Irish people support the IRA, or as you said a lot, that is not a true representation, which is only what many have conveyed on this thread.

She wouldn't be welcome chez moi

I would steer clear of meeting her too near Christmas, preferably afterwards
I would meet her in a park or somewhere nice for rhe children. Even a water park. Pack a lovely picnic and, with active children about, the visit should go smoothly.
Surely she will respect the children in her company and refrain from speaking about politics and anything politically violent etc.
Ask her to stop talking on a topic if she is making the kids nervous. You can always leave whenever you please.

My grandparents and great grandparents never read letters from their homeland, Ireland, in the company of children during the troubles. Consequentially there was no hatred, we were all ignorant and blissfully had friends of all creeds. Most of the Irish did this in Australia. We had numerous Catholic/Protestant marriages.

They were hard and sad times, that we now know, but there is no reason to transport hatred and political unrest.

The Rugby fans in the south also had "Zombie" played at Ireland games, one of the most tone deaf, sanctimonious, ignorant songs ever written about the troubles in the north, written by, to all intents and purposes, a foreigner from Limerick named Dolores O'Riordan. Her telling us about our experience. The bleedin cheek. As a result there was backlash against that dirge, but not from the Rugger followers in the ignorant south who continued to sing it.

I thought OP was going to say she was from the north with her comment about staunch Republicans. The south is the diet coke version of Republicism. When Tyone kicked lumps out of the Kerry team in Gaelic, and routinely beat them, the Kerry folk referred to them as dirty northerners. The northern players have been hardened through experiences while the southerners have had it easy.

And to clarify OP's comment. It's Republicans who are anti Israel, or more specifically anti settler colonialism. That's why I have a disdain for the explicitly white setter entity that is america, a land inhabited by PEOPLE, not "savages" as that slave owning tyrant jefferson dehumanised in the 'declaration', whose numbers were decimated by the white settlers, as Hitler admiringly stated in 1928, they "gunned down the millions of Redskins to a few hundred thousand, and now keep the modest remnant under observation in a cage".

america and its ethnic cleansing westward (dubbed 'Manifest destiny') was a template for the Nazis and their conquest east. As Hitler stated: "in the East a similar process will repeat itself for a second time as in the conquest of America", and Nazi troops "had a duty to look upon natives as Redskin". More of this and the quote is in the article below.

Any form of settler colonialism, where one group, a "superior" group as jefferson and the rest of the elite white planter class believed, come in and take over another peoples land, a lesser people, a "savage", that is to be abhorred. We have heard the same kind of rhetoric from those in Netanyahu's cabinet about the Palestinians, of them being "animals", which is why they are treated the way they are in the apartheid state where they segregated from Israeli society. The Palestinians are living, to quote David Cameron in 2010, in a "prison camp".

In terms of your friend's comments OP, she is antisemitic because she refers to Jews, so shut her off. Many jews, such as Gideon Levy, are totally opposed to settler colonialism, ethnic cleansing, segregation, dehumanisation, wherever it is taking place. In fact jews have often led the cause of humanitarian efforts in many parts of the world.

https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2014/01/hitler-on-the-mississippi-banks/283127/

Would it be very difficult to avoid the subject completely? Does she talk about anything else?

You said to another poster ‘l don’t care’
oh it’s just the ones you agree with then, with the same views.

She wishes you, your kids, and your family were all dead.

Yes, you cut her off. You shouldn't have to hide being Jewish from your friends.

You are better, more empathetic person than I am. I would cut ties with her and im not Jewish. I wouldn't want someone glorifying violence in my home or near my family. I feel sorry for your friends little child. Also if your friend is mentally unwell I hope her family will notice and encourage her to get help.
If you don't mind me asking, why did you have to hide that you are Jewish? Are Irish antisemitic?
I'm nit from Ireland myself, just being curious how come being German was better than being Jewish....

This 👏

I guess you just don’t know them … or they don’t speak about it in your company? I know quite a few!

Of course it is a strong viewpoint particularly in Cork / Kerry. A lot of people speak fondly of the IRA and what they have achieved, me included. If it wasn't for the old IRA /IRB we wouldn't have a Republic. You only have to go to a Wolfe Tones concert to see the support for the IRA. 80,000 people at Electric Picnic, mostly young chanting. Come on, don't pretend that OP is talking nonsense.

You're a kinder person than me as well op. Her views are completely unacceptable, she's a racist. Even if you weren't Jewish, you shouldn't have someone like that in your life. I'd have blocked her as soon as these posts started. Don't meet up.

I have to agree though I do have solidarity for Palestine the extremism of your friend is frightening. She seems completely unhinged. I wouldn't want her harping on and ruining everyone's Christmas.

Your friend’s views are terrifying, I can’t believe you’d even consider having her over. She is calling for the genocide of you and your people. How can you be so mild in your reaction to that?

She is a dangerous person and you need to cut her out immediately, not have her at your house and around your children. I’d be reporting her antisemitic posts to the police as hate crimes.

It sounds like you have a lot of internalised antisemitism given you’re justifying her views in your OP (through her mental health and being Irish) and seem to have hidden being Jewish your whole life, even from close friends.

This is really sad.

I find it really shocking and disturbing that so many Irish people posting here are calling the OPs comments about some Irish people supporting the IRA “disgusting” yet have absolutely nothing to say about her friend describing the murder of innocent civilians beautiful and calling for the genocide of all Jews.

Seriously, if that’s the part of this post that disgusted you, you need to look in a mirror.

Several people have said this. It doesn't mean they're right. It's also against MN talk guidelines to troll hunt. If you think something is fake you report it.

Some people seem to struggle with the idea that their experience isn't the same as everyone else's.

Yeah this isn't remotely true, anti semitism is rife around the world not just here in Ireland

Oh & how awful "people are getting fucked off" about being labelled as such

You are SO NBU and your experience, though hijacked and questioned here because of your comment on the Irish, is so common.
I think many people don't realize the lengths Jews go to to hide/blur their identity in the UK - because of nasty comments and unpleasant reactions. I actually considered namechanging for this reply :(.
I had something similar with a friend of many years - also Irish - who knows that I'm Jewish, who knows I have family and friends who were victims on 7 October at the Nova music festival. Amazingly, after telling me the Jews (the Jews! not the Israelis!) "had it coming" she blocked me. It took some grieving for a friendship that I valued, but in a way she did me a favour by blocking me - I don't think I would have been able to do it myself.
Refuse to see that "friend" and don't make excuses for her. It's not MH, it's not PPD - it's plain racism and nastiness.

Edit: this is the first time I have ever quoted the OP like this. Fml. What a rookie error 😂
Sorry everyone.

She sounds like a truly terrible human being. She has been radicalised and is literally saying that Jewish people didn't suffer enough during the Holocaust. She is saying that current day Jews deserve to die because of the actions of the Israeli political leaders.

To be pro hamas is beyond belief and yet we are seeing people with these opinions AND it being socially accepted. I am gobsmacked.

Social media has absolutely lost its mind on this issue but she really has gone off the deep end. Sharing those videos with captions like that is sickening.

I wouldn't allow someone like that to step through my front door.

I would be telling her that you're very sorry but you have to change the plans due to family/work/ etc etc

She began to post pro-Hamas stuff just after the 7/11 attacks on Israel and immediately shared Hamas videos of the attacks ( the murder of Israelis and desecration of corpses etc.) With added commentary “This is beautiful to me.” “This is how freedom is gained.”

This is horrifying. She is seriously mentally unwell. I’m not sure that you can reason with someone like that.
You need to get her out of your life. I’m not one for “cancelling” friends just because we disagree but you can’t possibly be friends with someone like this.

(As for the sympathy for terrorists and anti semitism in Ireland - I know there are people with those views but It’s not mainstream behaviour surely? I wouldn’t want to be friends with anyone who had views remotely like that )

Yes - 💯 she’s been radicalised