AIBU to be having nightmares over friends visit?

[Allinarow48]

Having nightmares over old friends visit.

One of my closest friends is coming to visit over Christmas, after 10 years living abroad with only ocassional visits I should be excited but I’m actually terrified.

I was best mates with “Jane” since we were kids, we lived together during college and were absolutely inseparable. We really, really loved each other for years and went through a lot together. She is also good friends with my DH and my DD loves her.

During her time abroad she has met a lovely man, had a beautiful son (age 2) and started her own business.

She’s always suffered badly with depression and anxiety and her mental health has been fragile. Although in her new country she found some excellent therapists who really helped her. However lately she seems to be spiralling .

It started during Covid, I think she got very deep into social media. She’s always been very politically active and since she had her son the plight of children in Gaza has been a huge focus for her.

She’s always been very vehemently anti Israel since I’ve known her (We’re Irish and that’s very normal here).

She began to post pro-Hamas stuff just after the 7/11 attacks on Israel and immediately shared Hamas videos of the attacks ( the murder of Israelis and desecration of corpses etc.) With added commentary “This is beautiful to me.” “This is how freedom is gained.” Etc. A lot of Irish people are still quite pro-IRA and once again the support of Hamas isn’t that unusual but actually sharing the videos was extreme.

She then started posting videos of dead Gazan children pretty much continuously. Due to the time difference I can see most of her posting is done at night. I think she posts while feeding her son. Videos accompanied by “This is me.” “This is my son.” “I am Palestine.” kind of stuff. She said in one post that her ability to care for her son has been affected by the secondary trauma of what happening in Gaza.

Then recently she began to go from “Death to Israel” to “Death to the Jews.” She posted in Arabic and I translated it. It was an insta story and then disappeared. And since then she’s pretty much transitioned from anti-Israel to Anti-western and fairly drastic Antisemetic stuff “They didn’t gas enough of you” that kind of thing.

Then she went on to say recently that anyone who doesn’t agree with her should kill themselves or be killed and burn in hell etc…

Now here’s the thing: I’m Jewish, non practicing, I have relatives in Israel and lost a friend to the Hamas attacks. I’m disgusted by the Israeli government at the moment and have a lot of sympathy for the Gazan people but I don’t hate the Israeli people either. I am actually quite middle of the road politically.

Being Irish, Jewishness is is not something I have ever advertised and I’m actually not sure I’ve I ever told her. If she’s aware and doesn’t care or has forgotten and doesn’t mind me seeing her posts.

My mistake is that I never responded to any of her posts and never argued with her. She seems to think we’re totally cool. So she contacted me wanting to see me over Christmas for a day or 2.

I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’m scared I’ll say something or do something that upsets her and she freaks out, or something I do or don’t say triggers her mental heath problems and she hurts herself. I also feel bad that my dishonesty caused this situation. If I has said something last year she would probably have ditched me and never wanted to see me again.

I would like some advice on how to proceed.

There are 2 issues at play.

Your friend’s views are very real in terms of what is happening to those poor children in Gaza, while we all have no choice but to standby helpless and watch from a distance.

BUT she has very serious MH issues.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to see her whatever my religious status.

Haven't had a chance to read the whole thread but @Allinarow48 has told us a version of Ireland that I completely recognise. I grew up in Dublin, but one of my parents came from NI, just over the border in a town known as bandit country.

This past summer I was in another border town in NI and there were pro-Palestian posters EVERYWHERE. Every bar, coffee shop and lamppost had stuff on the walls and windows.

There seemed to be a massive level of empathy for the Palestinian people. I surmised (perhaps incorrectly) that the non-Unionist people of Northern Ireland identified with Palestine because we too were invaded amd ruled by another power for 600 years.

Thankfully, reasonable Irish people nowadays recognise that it's time to move on. It was a different time. I clearly remember the Troubles and waiting anxiously for the death count on the radio, but it was a very different time. There is still a shocking amount of support for the IRA in some quarters, and typically when you scratch the surface, it all comes out. A few drinks, a few rebel songs, up the 'Ra.

I am firmly pro Palestinian and anti Israel. However, so are many Jewish people outside of Israel. Too many people confuse anti-Israeli with antisemitic when they are two vastly different things.

@Allinarow48 I think I'd message your friend and calmly explain that you think it would be better to have some distance for a while. Tell her that you are Jewish and anti-Israeli and pro-Palestian but completely anti-violence. You find her politics disturbing and you don't want to be around it.

What your friend does with that information is entirely down to her. The threat of her worsening mental health or self harm has nothing at all to do with you. She's an adult and your obligation is to keep you and your family safe from her extremism.

Again, please stop with the casual racism against Irish people, it’s just unacceptable.

”Scotland is not as virulent as Ireland” in this regard, based on???!!

I’ve been here a long time too, in Dublin, 40 years in fact, never discussed being pro Hamas with anyone. In 40 years.

What I did spend significant amounts of time in secondary school studying was the Holocaust, and discrimination against Jewish people. My primary school teacher also taught us what propaganda meant by using Hilter’s campaign against the Jews as an example.

So perhaps before you rush to paint Ireland as a racist hellish backwater you might consider that your interpretation of your own experience might be just that.

😲 Apologies for the novel!

I think that’s very sad to hear.
I can see how it is hard to disagree with the majority view in Ireland . It does lead to being ostracised.
That might explain why the OP lacks the confidence to be more open in her own views
But that doesn’t explain why this “friend” has views that are so extreme and hateful.

But you have misunderstood I’m afraid.

You said

The social pressure to be anti Jews, probably Hamas, and so forth is immense. Disagreeing makes you a social pariah and ostracized.

and that is simply untrue.

If you believe it you are wrong, sorry.

I am talking about the majority position, so like OP it is probably true within certain small social groupings, but you are misrepresenting Ireland and Irish people as a whole.

I don’t think one has to list all that is wrong in the world to call out a situation as unacceptable either.
That’s ridiculous and clearly just an excuse not to listen.

It is NOT the majority view in Ireland.

Like it or not we wouldn't have a Republic if it wasn't for the old IRA so yes most of the country are proud that they stood up to a big nation and fought for their land and rights. Michael Collins is a hero in West Cork. He was part of the IRA.

Sorry - I meant pro Palestinian ( which is a majority view)
I definitely didn’t mean to imply that the horrific anti semitism was a mainstream view.

Can whoever has asked every single person in Ireland their views on this please join this thread? Cos thats the only person who with any accuracy can say what the majority of Ireland think !

This is so horrific to me that anyone considers in acceptable to mass generalise about Irish people.

Ok fair enough.

It’s very, very far from the majority position in Ireland. Please don’t think it is.

There is a difference between history and the current IRA which are classed as a terrorist organisation.

Well there is on this thread anyways.

Do people do have the ability to understand that the views expressed in border towns and small rural communities are not universal?

To understand that being anti what Israel is currently doing in Gaza is not the same as being anti Jewish.

As an Irish person living in Ireland for over 40 years I have NEVER met anybody who has openly stated that they are anti Jewish or pro Hamas.

Yes, there is lots of sympathy for Palestine and yes people are against what the Israeli government are doing in Gaza. But people are not anti Jewish or pro Hamas. Violence on every side is condemned.

To state that many Irish people support terrorist organisations such as the IRA and Hamas is untrue.

Thank you!

I wouldn't tolerate someone with those views in my home. Let alone inflict them on my family. Tell her you are busy.

Sorry you have had to go through this. That's awful that some ignoramuses would conflate the two things (Jews and Israel).

Many of the most passionate anti zionist (anti settler colonialism) speakers are Jewish. None better than Norman Finkelstein.

All settler colonialism is abhorrent wherever it takes place. What's amusing is OP's 'disgusted with Israel" friend lives in Australia...another white settler colonial hotbed. You would think if she is so outraged she would not be living in a land where the indigenous people, the Aboriginal people, were systematically reduced in number by being bred out of existence by mixing with the white settlers; this included removing aboriginal children from their families. The other major white settler entity, the kingpin of settler entities, america, it too would split up families (enslaved Africans) though for reasons other than whitening the skin colour...there's was just to buy a slave, regardless how old they were. One of the most harrowing examples being 9 year old Ashley who was separated from her mother after she was sold to her new slavemaster.

"Ashley's sack is a mid-1800s cloth sack featuring an embroidered text that recounts the slave sale of a nine-year-old girl named Ashley and the parting gift of the sack by her mother, Rose. Rose filled the sack with a dress, braid of her hair, pecans and "my love always".

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ashley%27s_sack

I understand why as well, particular if you are in rural Kerry.

Antisemitism is a deep rooted prejudice, when it erupts it's volcanic - history has shown us that. The brutality of the Hamas attacks on ordinary people just living their lives, kids at a festival, people in their homes, has uncorked it in so many people. A normal human response to that brutality should be horror, not jubilation. Being a non practicing Jew, an anti Zionist Jew, an atheist Jew, did not, and will not, protect anyone. I'm not Jewish but I used to teach ABOUT AntiSemitism and its history. Like an idiot I thought it was largely a historical problem. I was very wrong. I have seen unhinged glorification of Hamas from people on the left, who I know and thought were pretty normal, I have pulled away from a number of people recently. My question to them was "If you are devastated and heartbroken at the death of children in Gaza are you also devastated and heartbroken at the death of children in Israel on Oct 7th? If not why not?"

Sadly being in Australia will be a factor, they have a huge Antisemitism problem ATM, the Australian Jewish community is feeling very much under siege, a Synagogue in Melbourne was destroyed in an arson attack last week, the attack has now been designated a terrorist attack and Australia has launched an Antisemitism task force.

Having a mental health issue, particularly if it involves any kind of psychosis, will make her very vulnerable to clinging onto beliefs which are unhinged. It doesn't necessarily mean she always was antisemitic, it just means that antisemitism now slots into her new world view, a world view which is disordered and she has no control over.

Sad though it is you cannot reason with anyone in that kind of mental state. For your own sanity and safety please just withdraw from the friendship, block her on social media.

Yes that's exactly my point , I was replying to the loyalist .

Hi all,
We've been through this thread and deleted several personal attacks and an astonishing amount of troll hunting. Please can we remind you that it is against our guidelines to troll hunt as it derails threads and causes strife and bad feeling, upsetting genuine OPs and delighting those who do happen to be trolls.
In future we expect that you will report any posts that concern you, and we take this opportunity to remind everyone that our patience is not endless when it comes to persistent guideline-breaching behaviour.

We all saw what happened to people posting awful stuff online about the riots a couple of months back. She could end up in serious trouble.