AIBU to be having nightmares over friends visit?

[Allinarow48]

Having nightmares over old friends visit.

One of my closest friends is coming to visit over Christmas, after 10 years living abroad with only ocassional visits I should be excited but I’m actually terrified.

I was best mates with “Jane” since we were kids, we lived together during college and were absolutely inseparable. We really, really loved each other for years and went through a lot together. She is also good friends with my DH and my DD loves her.

During her time abroad she has met a lovely man, had a beautiful son (age 2) and started her own business.

She’s always suffered badly with depression and anxiety and her mental health has been fragile. Although in her new country she found some excellent therapists who really helped her. However lately she seems to be spiralling .

It started during Covid, I think she got very deep into social media. She’s always been very politically active and since she had her son the plight of children in Gaza has been a huge focus for her.

She’s always been very vehemently anti Israel since I’ve known her (We’re Irish and that’s very normal here).

She began to post pro-Hamas stuff just after the 7/11 attacks on Israel and immediately shared Hamas videos of the attacks ( the murder of Israelis and desecration of corpses etc.) With added commentary “This is beautiful to me.” “This is how freedom is gained.” Etc. A lot of Irish people are still quite pro-IRA and once again the support of Hamas isn’t that unusual but actually sharing the videos was extreme.

She then started posting videos of dead Gazan children pretty much continuously. Due to the time difference I can see most of her posting is done at night. I think she posts while feeding her son. Videos accompanied by “This is me.” “This is my son.” “I am Palestine.” kind of stuff. She said in one post that her ability to care for her son has been affected by the secondary trauma of what happening in Gaza.

Then recently she began to go from “Death to Israel” to “Death to the Jews.” She posted in Arabic and I translated it. It was an insta story and then disappeared. And since then she’s pretty much transitioned from anti-Israel to Anti-western and fairly drastic Antisemetic stuff “They didn’t gas enough of you” that kind of thing.

Then she went on to say recently that anyone who doesn’t agree with her should kill themselves or be killed and burn in hell etc…

Now here’s the thing: I’m Jewish, non practicing, I have relatives in Israel and lost a friend to the Hamas attacks. I’m disgusted by the Israeli government at the moment and have a lot of sympathy for the Gazan people but I don’t hate the Israeli people either. I am actually quite middle of the road politically.

Being Irish, Jewishness is is not something I have ever advertised and I’m actually not sure I’ve I ever told her. If she’s aware and doesn’t care or has forgotten and doesn’t mind me seeing her posts.

My mistake is that I never responded to any of her posts and never argued with her. She seems to think we’re totally cool. So she contacted me wanting to see me over Christmas for a day or 2.

I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’m scared I’ll say something or do something that upsets her and she freaks out, or something I do or don’t say triggers her mental heath problems and she hurts herself. I also feel bad that my dishonesty caused this situation. If I has said something last year she would probably have ditched me and never wanted to see me again.

I would like some advice on how to proceed.

This thread is baffling to me, first with the IRA, now you're a social pariah unless you're anti Jew. That is such utter bs and I never use that word but I'm actually angry there's such narratives being put forth, omg.

Apologies- I expressed myself badly

I never said "Most" read my post again.

I'm 100% behind the right of the Northern Irish to determine whether they are part of The Republic of Ireland or of the UK, but please get the name of the country right... it would be both politically and geographically impossible for any part of Ireland to be part of England, Scotland or Wales.

@the7Vabo @Rowen32 @Daradarina and all...

""Daradarina · Today 08:40

"The social pressure to be anti Jews, pro[] Hamas, and so forth is immense. Disagreeing makes you a social pariah and ostracized."

This is not true."

I don't know what to tell you.

As I said I'm an immigrant from Europe, and I can assure that each of my small group of Russian and Ukrainian friends would testify to exactly this.

This is what we've all seen from Irish people, in private and in public.

I've been here over 20 years, my Russian friends about 10, the Ukrainian girls obviously less (having come due to the war).

It's actually made the Ukrainian girls really sad, and sadly cynical, about Ireland and Irish people, who've otherwise treated them very nicely.

Ireland isn't any more antisemetic than anywhere else (although a Nazi sympathyser did publish all our school textbooks apparently.) I know a few other Jewish people in the same situation. We were already bullied for being "foreigners " because our parents weren't born here and there was a strong feeling that being 'different' in other ways would make the situation worse. My brother mentioned it once and was mobbed at school with "you killed jesus" remarks. Then as we grew up the line between anti-Israel and antisemitism was sometimes blurry. It was just obvious not to advertise it.

And they wonder why I don't advertise my Jewish heritage.

I am sorry you have misunderstood the situation then.

Maybe question people more directly about what they mean instead of extrapolating from what you’ve heard elsewhere? There is a lot of ‘the Irish are anti-Jewish’ rhetoric about at the moment unfortunately - mostly spread by people with their own agenda - and perhaps it is easy to be swayed by this.

I’ve been here a lot longer than 20 years and I could not be surer that you are wrong.

I caveat that by saying there are dickheads everywhere and we have our fair share!

She wanted to possibly have a hotel break,not stay with me. I wouldn't bring the kids.

You must be very unlucky in the Irish people you have met.
As I said, I am Irish, I have lived here over 40 years in rural and urban areas. I have never met anybody who has openly said they are anti Jews or pro Hamas.
Irish people who disagree with what the Israeli government are doing in Gaza, yes, most people I would say. But there is an absolute difference. Most people or many people do not support Hamas and are not anti Jew.

@Daradarina
I'm talking about my friends' and my interactions with Irish people.
Not hearsay.

As I said the Ukrainian girls find the dichotomy really upsetting - that the same Irish people who are nice to them have such vile views about the Jews.

None of us thought that we came from particularly forward thinking countries.

But the antisemitism that we have seen from Irish people - as if finally joyfully released with the October 7 massacre - we'd have thought it unthinkable these days.

Not anti-zionism. Anti the current regime and their terrible handling of the situation.

Why do people think she wanted to meet at my home? Of course I wasnt going to expose my kids or partner to thart bullshit. And for what it's worth I'm not meeting with her myself either.

I think I’d address it too .
Id say the same as was suggested above.

OP you have to realise this is who she is now.
Can you go for lunch and talk to her about her mental health her views . Have it out so to speak see if she maybe needs help and guidance in a different direction .

Has the lack of sleep brought on intrusive thoughts?
Or is she simply reading to much and went down a Rabbit hole.

You have to decide do you want one attempt at helping her or is she too far gone ?
It’s not your responsibility but maybe it’s who you are that you want to help

I think if it was me I would have commented on the post and said who even are you ? Then seen how that went but that chance has passed by.

I wouldn’t have her on my home though .
Do t put yourself in a vulnerable position .

Exactly.

Some people on this thread seem to live in an alternate universe.

@ACatNamedRobin
It is unthinkable.

As a pp said, perhaps you have been exceptionally unlucky in the Irish people you have met then?

I didn’t think you were describing hearsay.

I still think it’s likely this is at least partly due to cultural misunderstanding, possible language issues on the part of some of your friends.

Because I know the majority do not think like this.
I find it very upsetting that you are persisting in misrepresenting Irish people as a group.

@Daradarina

You say "I find it very upsetting that you are persisting in misrepresenting Irish people as a group."

There seems to be a general huge amount of upset at what's seen as the above ("misrepresenting Irish people as a group ").

And barely any at the vile anti Jewish views, pro Hamas views quoted both on this thread and often heard in Ireland.

I'm not sure why the specific Irish people complaining think the former is even in the same league as the latter??

If anyone I knew used the word "beautiful" to describe the atrocity perpetrated by Hamas on October 7 last year, I would not be speaking to them again, let alone having them in my house.

Well I’ve already described OP’s friend’s views as horrendous and advised OP to distance herself?

Personally I haven’t heard vile anti Jewish, pro Hamas views in Ireland. Not from anyone I know. At all. I think I’ve been quite clear that that is not the view of the vast majority here.

100% correct

Here's a little social experiment ye can all try then determine for yourself how people feel about things in your area. Doesn't matter where you live. Try it in any large town or city.

1: Buy a star of David necklace, prominent enough to be seen.

2: Then walk around for the day wearing it in town.

3: Just kidding that would be suicide at the moment. Just think about how unsafe you felt considering the idea above.

That's why I don't tell people I'm Jewish.

I haven’t lived the situation in Gaza
I have lived it in Ireland I was born in the 60s in Derry. As my previous post

There is a huge difference in people supporting what the original IRA did in gaining independence for Ireland and supporting the IRA today. Today the IRA is a terrorist organisation. The OP said that many Irish people are STILL pro IRA.

Ah would you stop. Suicide? Are you saying someone would murder you? Please.

@ACatNamedRobin
You said you and your friends are of the opinion that ‘Israel has no choice’ in the current situation.

The majority of Irish people do disagree with you there.
If you think that people condemning Israel for its continued attack of Gaza is anti-Jewish or pro-Hamas then that would go a long way towards explaining your misconceptions around Irish people’s opinions.