AIBU to be having nightmares over friends visit?

[Allinarow48]

Having nightmares over old friends visit.

One of my closest friends is coming to visit over Christmas, after 10 years living abroad with only ocassional visits I should be excited but I’m actually terrified.

I was best mates with “Jane” since we were kids, we lived together during college and were absolutely inseparable. We really, really loved each other for years and went through a lot together. She is also good friends with my DH and my DD loves her.

During her time abroad she has met a lovely man, had a beautiful son (age 2) and started her own business.

She’s always suffered badly with depression and anxiety and her mental health has been fragile. Although in her new country she found some excellent therapists who really helped her. However lately she seems to be spiralling .

It started during Covid, I think she got very deep into social media. She’s always been very politically active and since she had her son the plight of children in Gaza has been a huge focus for her.

She’s always been very vehemently anti Israel since I’ve known her (We’re Irish and that’s very normal here).

She began to post pro-Hamas stuff just after the 7/11 attacks on Israel and immediately shared Hamas videos of the attacks ( the murder of Israelis and desecration of corpses etc.) With added commentary “This is beautiful to me.” “This is how freedom is gained.” Etc. A lot of Irish people are still quite pro-IRA and once again the support of Hamas isn’t that unusual but actually sharing the videos was extreme.

She then started posting videos of dead Gazan children pretty much continuously. Due to the time difference I can see most of her posting is done at night. I think she posts while feeding her son. Videos accompanied by “This is me.” “This is my son.” “I am Palestine.” kind of stuff. She said in one post that her ability to care for her son has been affected by the secondary trauma of what happening in Gaza.

Then recently she began to go from “Death to Israel” to “Death to the Jews.” She posted in Arabic and I translated it. It was an insta story and then disappeared. And since then she’s pretty much transitioned from anti-Israel to Anti-western and fairly drastic Antisemetic stuff “They didn’t gas enough of you” that kind of thing.

Then she went on to say recently that anyone who doesn’t agree with her should kill themselves or be killed and burn in hell etc…

Now here’s the thing: I’m Jewish, non practicing, I have relatives in Israel and lost a friend to the Hamas attacks. I’m disgusted by the Israeli government at the moment and have a lot of sympathy for the Gazan people but I don’t hate the Israeli people either. I am actually quite middle of the road politically.

Being Irish, Jewishness is is not something I have ever advertised and I’m actually not sure I’ve I ever told her. If she’s aware and doesn’t care or has forgotten and doesn’t mind me seeing her posts.

My mistake is that I never responded to any of her posts and never argued with her. She seems to think we’re totally cool. So she contacted me wanting to see me over Christmas for a day or 2.

I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’m scared I’ll say something or do something that upsets her and she freaks out, or something I do or don’t say triggers her mental heath problems and she hurts herself. I also feel bad that my dishonesty caused this situation. If I has said something last year she would probably have ditched me and never wanted to see me again.

I would like some advice on how to proceed.

Extremists and racists are not welcome in my home. Plus my main worry whilst I know she is mentally unwell is her spouting bile in front of children who don’t have the full facts and whose brains are developing.

Just cancel her visit and tell her why, lose the friendship over this.

That's all well and good but not fair to generalise to a lot of Irish people especially as you've said you live in a particular area
And no, I've had a lot of conversations about the North and while some wish Ireland had always been united that doesn't mean they condone the IRA, you can want something but want a different means to it so no, I still disagree and don't want 'a lot of Irish people' to be referred to as IRA supporters

You see what kind of consequences starting a thread including “a lot” of Irish people are pro IRA has OP?

It may well be her mental health which is at the root of this but you aren’t responsible for her and you probably can’t help her at this stage. I had to distance myself from a twenty year friendship because her mental ill health started to impact very detrimentally on mine. I’m not Jewish and I couldn’t have someone expressing these views in my house. You can pretend to be ill if it’s easier just now and then I would phase her out.

I agree. Your friend is making herself mentally ill, but you can’t help her, and you should not expose yourself and family to her rantings.

Uhhh yeah. What? Please don't speak for the majority of anyone. Disgusting.

Lots of Irish people really don’t care about a united Ireland at this point, and, as you said, those that do don’t all condone violence to achieve it.

I cannot believe OP tried to defend her statement.

She means the majority are anti IRA

The social pressure to be anti Jews, probably Hamas, and so forth is immense. Disagreeing makes you a social pariah and ostracized.

This is not true.
Ireland is anti what Israel is doing in Gaza, not anti-Jewish, not pro Hamas.

I think you must have misunderstood the nuances of conversation (most probably in a language that is not your first?) to think what you do.
Or perhaps you want to misunderstand?
I don’t know. Either way you are mistaken in what you say above.

You are right in that you are not aligned with the majority of Irish people’s views if you think Israel has no other choice but to destroy Gaza.

Not a chance in hell would I be seeing her, she's an absolute horror. And I have to agree that you should tell her that you're Jewish. Fuck hiding who you are for anyone, let alone a racist bigot.

I'm Jewish. And I live in Scotland so I'm regularly the only Jewish person people have met. My young daughter has been pushed in the hall, had children yell horrible things in her face - and we had to get the police involved. She's never even been to Israel and is being associated with it just because she's Jewish. I'm anxious all the time. Every single day.

I'd never have that person anywhere around my children as who knows what would trigger her and what could happen. Generations of trauma have made most Jewish people pretty paranoid and unfortunately lately for good reason. The conflation of 'Jewish' and 'Zionist' is nonstop and the difference too subtle for many angry people to understand.

I work at a university so am surrounded by anti Israel sentiment that often drifts into antisemitism chants and such. It's everywhere and I have avoided work often as it's super triggering.

I'm sorry you feel you need to keep this secret but generations of Jewish people would empathise. Just remember that you're Jewish so your children are too and your 'friend' cannot be trusted. If you do meet her to try to help her, stay in public and be careful as she knows where you live.

What the IRA have done is horrific and to say that many people support them today in Ireland is horrific. It needs to be called out too as it is untrue.
Posters have commented on her friends comments AND her IRA comments.

I just accidentally pressed yabu, sorry .

I would sent her a message or call her if you can. Tell her that she can be against what the Irasali government are doing, she can be appalled by what is happening in Palestine and you are as well. But if she is antisemitic then it's better I'd she does not visit as you are Jewish. Leave it at that and then it's up to her what she does next. But I wouldn't want anything to do with someone like that, just as I wouldn't be friends with a racist.

Christmas is a busy time, I would be busy. That doesn't sound like a fun way to spend your holiday.

@Daradarina
I can assure you that I don't misunderstand.
Maybe look at @PurpleThistle7 's post above - and Scotland is not as virulent as Ireland in this regard.

My Ukrainian friend - who knew Jewish people back home (and in fairness is a lot more empathetic than I am) was repeatedly reduced to tears by Irish people's pro Hamas, anti Jewish views.
One time she even shared her nice interactions with Irish people and literally couldn't understand how they can hold such vile views against people who've been bombed for decades.

I've been here a long time and I do understand. Ireland prides itself on championing causes, but it's always against Israel, never are the fates of the Uighur, Ethiopians, Eritreans, North Koreans, Venezuelans, etc etc etc, even worth 0.000001% of the hand wringing because they can't be blamed on the Jews.

That comment was the one that jumped out at me, utterly horrific . I would cut contact with someone who expressed such a foul sentiment.

I would 'just' tell her you have Jewish roots and are not comfortable with her anti Jewish posts (as opposed to anti Zionist posts). I expect either you'll get a response doubling down on anti Semitic views and that's the end of the friendship. Or she'll be OMG and 'come to' - ie explain about her second trauma about the genocide and slaughter and maiming of small children has driven her to extreme statements about gassing etc.

I just accidentally pressed yabu, sorry

@Blarn
You can change your vote, just press on yanbu. Not sure about the app, but it works otherwise.

I personally was shocked that someone who is understandably upset at what her friend is saying, then so casually drops in mass generalisation about another group of people and cannot seem to see the irony.

Irish people have historically experienced very significant discrimination. Casually putting out that Irish people are pro-IRA and anti-Jewish is very harmful.

There is nuance missing in lot of posts another poster pointed out.

I am anti what Israel is currently doing in Gaza. It is, to me as war crime. However so was October 7 and I’d celebrate the death of no one.

I’d meet up, just you and her. When the diatribe starts, leave and tell her why, then block.

This is extremist and would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. I would not want someone in my home who has these extreme views. I would just send a message explaining that while she's entitled to her views, at this point it's not a basis where your friendship can flourish and you wish her all the best but it's bye for now. Then block and go no contact.

British people have no idea about the troubles

To be fair neither do most southern Irish people, at least in having any form of an accurate view. Many live in blissful ignorance, none worse than Ryan Tubridy. That ignorance extends further back in history too.

And in response to another poster, OP did say "a lot of people" would be pro [insert parliamilitary group], which is not true. A generation on 'both sides' have grown up in a different era without the threat of tit for tat attacks from the opposing parliamilitaries, and as a result no police check points in every town, no police barracks (with spotlights) overlooking towns, no army patrols, no chinooks flying overhead on a daily basis, no bomb alerts in shopping centres etc etc. Today's generation reject violence, and the younger generation, the next leaders, most certainly do.