AIBU to be having nightmares over friends visit?

[Allinarow48]

Having nightmares over old friends visit.

One of my closest friends is coming to visit over Christmas, after 10 years living abroad with only ocassional visits I should be excited but I’m actually terrified.

I was best mates with “Jane” since we were kids, we lived together during college and were absolutely inseparable. We really, really loved each other for years and went through a lot together. She is also good friends with my DH and my DD loves her.

During her time abroad she has met a lovely man, had a beautiful son (age 2) and started her own business.

She’s always suffered badly with depression and anxiety and her mental health has been fragile. Although in her new country she found some excellent therapists who really helped her. However lately she seems to be spiralling .

It started during Covid, I think she got very deep into social media. She’s always been very politically active and since she had her son the plight of children in Gaza has been a huge focus for her.

She’s always been very vehemently anti Israel since I’ve known her (We’re Irish and that’s very normal here).

She began to post pro-Hamas stuff just after the 7/11 attacks on Israel and immediately shared Hamas videos of the attacks ( the murder of Israelis and desecration of corpses etc.) With added commentary “This is beautiful to me.” “This is how freedom is gained.” Etc. A lot of Irish people are still quite pro-IRA and once again the support of Hamas isn’t that unusual but actually sharing the videos was extreme.

She then started posting videos of dead Gazan children pretty much continuously. Due to the time difference I can see most of her posting is done at night. I think she posts while feeding her son. Videos accompanied by “This is me.” “This is my son.” “I am Palestine.” kind of stuff. She said in one post that her ability to care for her son has been affected by the secondary trauma of what happening in Gaza.

Then recently she began to go from “Death to Israel” to “Death to the Jews.” She posted in Arabic and I translated it. It was an insta story and then disappeared. And since then she’s pretty much transitioned from anti-Israel to Anti-western and fairly drastic Antisemetic stuff “They didn’t gas enough of you” that kind of thing.

Then she went on to say recently that anyone who doesn’t agree with her should kill themselves or be killed and burn in hell etc…

Now here’s the thing: I’m Jewish, non practicing, I have relatives in Israel and lost a friend to the Hamas attacks. I’m disgusted by the Israeli government at the moment and have a lot of sympathy for the Gazan people but I don’t hate the Israeli people either. I am actually quite middle of the road politically.

Being Irish, Jewishness is is not something I have ever advertised and I’m actually not sure I’ve I ever told her. If she’s aware and doesn’t care or has forgotten and doesn’t mind me seeing her posts.

My mistake is that I never responded to any of her posts and never argued with her. She seems to think we’re totally cool. So she contacted me wanting to see me over Christmas for a day or 2.

I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’m scared I’ll say something or do something that upsets her and she freaks out, or something I do or don’t say triggers her mental heath problems and she hurts herself. I also feel bad that my dishonesty caused this situation. If I has said something last year she would probably have ditched me and never wanted to see me again.

I would like some advice on how to proceed.

Your friend is awful. Do not allow her into your home. Your op could do with a trigger warning.

She said “a lot of Irish people are still quite pro-IRA’.
In her OP.

“A lot” of Irish people are easily offended. Switch “Irish” for “Jewish” there OP. Would it be acceptable to say “A lot of Jewish people” are easily offended? Of course not. So please don’t say it about Irish people after aligning “a lot” of Irish people with a terrorist organisation.

Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. She is a bored and lonely mum to a two year old and gets a bit social media mental when she is on her own at night. My very close and hilarious friend has gone very social media weird over Israel/ Palestine and does similar to yours. I block her social media from my view and still enjoy her very funny company.
People are too quick to live and die by wattsap/ instagram at the moment with regard to their relationships. See her, give her a chance .

Social media mental is a weird description for somebody who says "they didn't gas enough of you". Fuck me, your bar is set very low.

Hard disagree. It’s one thing being indulgent about a good friends odd online presence but this one is glorifying horrific violence against a racial group that op is part of. It’s a safety issue parents shouldn’t expose their families to dangerously mentally unwell people.

What do you mean its "unfortunate" they aren't distinguished?

I know exactly what you mean, you are trotting out the old Ryan Tubridy (worst presenter in the history of Irish televison) line when confronted by Martin McGuinness for having disdain for him, but not for his own "heroic" grandfather.

I mean these acts of terror happened during the last 50 years, yes?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clerkenwell_explosion

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fenian_dynamite_campaign

@Allinarow48 I'm so sorry for your loss. This person isn't your friend - cancel the visit, cancel the 'friendship' and spend the time with people who love, accept and support you for all of who you are.

They weren’t carried out by Old IRA though?

Normally I'd say each to their own, I have friends who are anti-Israel, friends who are communist, friends who are antivax. They respect that I hold certain views and I respect that they hold certain views. We don't agree with each others' views but we can still be friends because everyone's different.

Your mate seems different though in that she takes a sadistic joy in the suffering and death of a specific ethnic group. I wouldn't have someone like that in my life because, if she can be that sadistic about people she doesn't even know, what might she do to me?

Hard no, flush this one OP. She wants to take up space in your house, benefit from the comfort, heating, water and food that you've paid for whilst wishing death on people of your ethnicity? Nah fuck that for a game of soldiers. Big fat nope!

I'm more offended by ignorant southerners and their deluded, romantic version of history.

Just tell her you have made plans for over Christmas and into the New Year that clash with her visit and unfortunately you cannot meet up.

Then stop all communication, block her on social media and get on with your own life.

Agree with everyone who says to cancel.

Apart from everything else, she sounds extremely sick and unhinged.

@ChessorBuckaroo what is meant by ignorant southerners ?

@InWithThePlums
I live in Ireland - not Jewish, but I'm an immigrant from Europe.
The social pressure to be anti Jews, probably Hamas, and so forth is immense. Disagreeing makes you a social pariah and ostracized.

I've ended up socialising more with a group of friends who are Russian and Ukrainian because we can talk freely to each other (and none of us think that Israel has any choice given that 97% of Palestinians supports Hamas and the October 7 attack - survey done by an Arab firm 2 days later).

If OP is more integrated in Irish society she would of course be cowed into agreeing with anti Jewish views, any word otherwise would make her a social pariah.

You're easily offended in fairness

You have a friend who is in support of the wholesale murder of a group of people that includes you, and you are worried that her mental health might suffer if you disagree with her? I've heard of being "too nice" but this wins all the awards.

I actually think a short, sharp shock might be the most helpful thing anyone could do for the friend, and snap her out of acting like an absolute fucking monster. "Sorry friend, I can't have you to visit. Why don't you just pretend that the Nazis did actually murder all the Jews, and then I would never have existed"

Why is this comment aimed at me? I have not given any opinions on Irish history apart from saying rebel songs were played at discos when I was young and that I don't hear anyone openly discussing how Pro-IRA they are now. All factual statements. Why are you accusing me of being ignorant and having a deluded, romantic version of history?

I mean, I'm a member of a religion that the state of Missouri had an extermination order against, that wasn't officially rescinded until 1976. I'd look askance at anyone who said that it needs to be brought back (even though it was well before my time, I joined this religion ten years ago and it's not part of my cultural or ethnic heritage.) Anti Semitism is alive and well, unfortunately, and a very real threat to Jewish people all over the world. Anti LDS sentiment is reserved to a few cranks on the internet who are no threat at all (unless maybe they're in the USA and have weapons.)

Still wouldn't be friends with someone glorifying war crimes.

Sorry what?!

Again the mass generalisations against Irish people!

Im Irish, lived in Ireland for my entire life and I’ve never once met anyone who is “anti-Jews”. Not once, it’s never been a topic of discussion. The opposite in fact, we spent significant time learning about the Holocaust.

SOME Irish people are pro Palestine and there has always been a significant amount of support for Palestine in Ireland when compared to other countries. But that doesn’t equate to being anti-Jewish.

The kind of people who are both pro Palestine and pro IRA are a MINORITY. And I’m not even sure those people are anti Jewish but I don’t know any of them personally given they are MINORITY.

Ireland has been v good to many immigrants, especially Ukrainians.

Particularly prevalent before Brexit. People would often say they wanted the foreigners out. Then remember and backtrack 'we didn't mean YOU'.
As regards OP' s problem. I completely understand the agonising over losing such an old friendship. Sadly, I think your 'friend' is showing you who she is. She is no longer the same person. Spending a lot of time apart can mask that slow progress into irreconcilable difference. I don't think many people have the tools to bring people back from where she's gone and you won't be able to manage it in a day. I think in your position I would express my concern and sadness about where she's gone, state that you think her views are not something you can live with/ deal with and you don't want to see her whilst she holds them. No need to tell her that you re Jewish and expose yourself to danger.