AIBU to be having nightmares over friends visit?

[Allinarow48]

Having nightmares over old friends visit.

One of my closest friends is coming to visit over Christmas, after 10 years living abroad with only ocassional visits I should be excited but I’m actually terrified.

I was best mates with “Jane” since we were kids, we lived together during college and were absolutely inseparable. We really, really loved each other for years and went through a lot together. She is also good friends with my DH and my DD loves her.

During her time abroad she has met a lovely man, had a beautiful son (age 2) and started her own business.

She’s always suffered badly with depression and anxiety and her mental health has been fragile. Although in her new country she found some excellent therapists who really helped her. However lately she seems to be spiralling .

It started during Covid, I think she got very deep into social media. She’s always been very politically active and since she had her son the plight of children in Gaza has been a huge focus for her.

She’s always been very vehemently anti Israel since I’ve known her (We’re Irish and that’s very normal here).

She began to post pro-Hamas stuff just after the 7/11 attacks on Israel and immediately shared Hamas videos of the attacks ( the murder of Israelis and desecration of corpses etc.) With added commentary “This is beautiful to me.” “This is how freedom is gained.” Etc. A lot of Irish people are still quite pro-IRA and once again the support of Hamas isn’t that unusual but actually sharing the videos was extreme.

She then started posting videos of dead Gazan children pretty much continuously. Due to the time difference I can see most of her posting is done at night. I think she posts while feeding her son. Videos accompanied by “This is me.” “This is my son.” “I am Palestine.” kind of stuff. She said in one post that her ability to care for her son has been affected by the secondary trauma of what happening in Gaza.

Then recently she began to go from “Death to Israel” to “Death to the Jews.” She posted in Arabic and I translated it. It was an insta story and then disappeared. And since then she’s pretty much transitioned from anti-Israel to Anti-western and fairly drastic Antisemetic stuff “They didn’t gas enough of you” that kind of thing.

Then she went on to say recently that anyone who doesn’t agree with her should kill themselves or be killed and burn in hell etc…

Now here’s the thing: I’m Jewish, non practicing, I have relatives in Israel and lost a friend to the Hamas attacks. I’m disgusted by the Israeli government at the moment and have a lot of sympathy for the Gazan people but I don’t hate the Israeli people either. I am actually quite middle of the road politically.

Being Irish, Jewishness is is not something I have ever advertised and I’m actually not sure I’ve I ever told her. If she’s aware and doesn’t care or has forgotten and doesn’t mind me seeing her posts.

My mistake is that I never responded to any of her posts and never argued with her. She seems to think we’re totally cool. So she contacted me wanting to see me over Christmas for a day or 2.

I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’m scared I’ll say something or do something that upsets her and she freaks out, or something I do or don’t say triggers her mental heath problems and she hurts herself. I also feel bad that my dishonesty caused this situation. If I has said something last year she would probably have ditched me and never wanted to see me again.

I would like some advice on how to proceed.

I am not Jewish. But I have (very) close and immediate family ties to the Jewish community.

It is not something most of my school or uni friends would have been aware of.

there is also a lot of generational trauma and history about (not) openly living one‘s Jewishness or daring to identify as Jewish. The reason for this being quite obvious.

A good friend was completely unaware of his Jewish heritage until he was 18. when he was was told about his family not being „just Hungarian“ but Jewish Hungarian. And that his grandmother was actually a survivor. It was (obviously) a massive shock to him. But this is not a terrible unusual story.

it‘s also possible that OP‘s friend might have forgotten OP‘s Jewishness. Or justified it to herself as OP being „one of the good ones“…

Have you contacted her partner about this? She has a two year old son and he would be my concern. Her mental health is not your problem, but it absolutely is her partner's. I hope for their son's sake he's doing something about it. I can't imagine she gets invited to many play groups.

As for the visit, cancel it for whatever reason you find easiest. Why spoil your Christmas?

I'd say it's difficult for OP to cut ties because of the age of their friendship and experiences shared together over the years. It's like cutting ties with a close family member. But if I was her, I don't think I'd find kindness or strength to see her again. I don't want to associate with anyone with extreme views.
The nightmares is the subconscious telling her to run a mile. Or, if OP witnessed her friend having a mental breakdown before, it's saying "beware, I recognise these signs, we've been here before".

Old IRA is thought of quite differently ime for obvious reasons, but OP said it wasn’t just Old IRA she was referring to unfortunately.

I wonder do some younger people get them mixed up when they hear references to IRA? Or people from outside Ireland perhaps. Clutching at straws…

Stay well away from your ‘friend’ OP. Her mindset is disgusting. She sounds unstable.

Anti-semitism is racist hatred. I wouldn’t go near this person.

And I’m surprised at your casual racism - “this is normal in Ireland” remarks.

There is alot of "oh no, you don't count, hou are good enough to be one of us". Talking an immigrant. I've heard similar phrases when someone (at work usually) starts galling about immigrants all being thieves/lazy/on benefits/drunks etc.

I’m really not sure why people are so shocked a long term friend might not know someone’s religion of they’re non practicing. My best friend of 15 years found out last year that I’m Jewish. I couldn’t tell you what religion, if any, she has. If it’s not a huge feature in your day to day life it’s entirely plausible it would just not come up. Particularly so for Jews, a huge number of whom sadly feel they have to conceal an aspect of their identity and/or heritage.

I feel for you OP as I have seen a few friends’ true colours recently. I’ve distanced myself until I decide what to do, if anything.

Good. You wrote that your „DD loves her“.

Would you want to foster that? Encourage a relationship between a person who takes delight in the deaths of Jewish children? When your DD is a Jewish child herself?

this is a person I‘d phase out of your DD‘s life. Stop mentioning her, don’t encourage meet-ups etc.

channel some of the feistiness you display on this thread in protecting your children from this person rather than just throwing your hands up with “hey, i’m a coward leave me alone”

She’s extrapolated her experience to include the whole country and all Irish people, that’s the issue.

I'm Irish and older than you. I agree rebel songs were incredibly popular years ago. I don't think you can base an argument on how life was when you were a teenager. Things have changed. I disagree with how you are categorising the majority of Ireland as pro-IRA now. I live in Dublin and can honestly say I haven't heard pro-IRA sentiments being casually or publicly discussed since before 2000. I'm not saying some aren't pro-IRA but they don't advertise it. This is not me refusing to acknowledge that this section of society exists, as you suggest. It's me saying I don't recognise this section of society because, if it exists, it's behind closed doors. Perhaps where you live is unique in that people are open about it but it's definitely not something I can relate to in the Ireland I live in today.

With regards to your friend, you are focusing a lot on her mental health but, in my view, are ignoring the impact the distress her views is having on you. Prioritise you and your family. Don't meet her this Christmas if she makes you that uncomfortable. If you want to keep the friendship make up an excuse why you can't meet - flu, family commitments etc. However, you mute her on sm because of her views so how good a friendship is it really? Maybe it's time to let it go, starting by simply saying you're not available to meet up and then cutting contact.

Precisely. Most racists seem to make a few „exceptions“ for people they deem to be „good enough“/not like the others etc.

it is similar to misogynists loving their mothers (sisters, wives etc..) whilst spewing anti-women hatred and or victimising other women.

A synagogue was subject to a terror attack in Australia. Please report her to the Australian police not just on social media.

Frankly I wouldn't be around someone who said stuff like that and I'm not Jewish. I would tell them why, but I understand if you don't want to, it's not your responsibility. But it's also not your responsibility to look out for the person she used to be, she's changed, it's a shame but it happens, you need to move on asap.

She sounds like a deranged racist psychopath! I wouldn't be entertaining this person, especially around my children!

I Definitely would NOT tell her you are Jewish. You may as well tell her you killed P. babies to spite her. She sounds dangerous, but also unwell.

Don't meet up with her.

I suppose in most people's heads there isn't any difference between "old" IRA and all the newer provisional ones. It's unfortunate that they arent distunguished more. I suppose all the terrorists just want to use that name. Obviously I deplore the PIRA or whatever they call themselves these days for all the atrocities they carried out including the Omagh bombing. I think people on the "other" side in the North don't realise this either, when they hear the chants they presume it is for that same IRA that carried out bombings on their family/friends/neighbours. You can understand why they get irate.

Same and I would not hold back from telling her this. Couldn’t normally give a crap re religion but she is extreme and I would not want to be near her.

Don't tell her you're Jewish. Does she know your address? I'd either just block her or say that you don't support Hamas, a literal terrorist group and don't feel comfortable meeting up.

You can't accuse the Irish on this thread of loving to get offended when you admit your wording was unclear. I waa offended by your words because of a false, imo, portrayal of Irish people which you then doubled down on when challenged. If you had kept your comments to a section of rural North Kerry, or to your teenage years over 20 years ago, fine. However, you have projected your locality and your teenage/possibly early 20s experiences onto the entire population of Ireland in 2024. I appreciate you are upset about your friend but you need to see why you have, in turn, upset a lot of Irish people.

i would go so far as to say that if you were to remain friends with someone with this view.,, then it also says something pretty bloody appalling about you

I disagree with how you are categorising the majority of Ireland as pro-IRA now.

Not once has the OP suggested the majority of Ireland are pro IRA. She's just said there are some people in her area - which, since it's her living there, she's within her rights to mention.

I am muslim with lots of Jewish friends (live in N London) and I am appalled by your friend’s comments. This kind of extremist view is abhorrent to me. I have distanced myself from one friend who says the war is the fault of the Palestinians and they asked for it, and from some family who are frankly racist about Jewish people.

The things your friend is saying are racist and disgust me. I don’t know how you can bear her. I would stop following her on social media and hell would freeze over before she stayed with me.

I can accept different views about the conflict of course. But rejoicing in the death of innocents is a deal-breaker for me.

Sorry OP given the nature of your post why do you seem annoyed that Irish people are taking issue with generalisations about Irish people’s views.
Yes people are getting “fucked off” about it because it’s not only untrue, but you are posting on a non-Irish website just putting out there that “a lot” of Irish people are pro IRA.

To be clear “a lot” of Irish people are not pro IRA.

Your friend sounds like she is spiralling. However, no matter how mentally unwell she might what she said about Jewish people is unacceptable and you should tell her as much.

To be fair the OP started by saying “a lot” of Irish people are pro IRA. Completely untrue.