AIBU to be having nightmares over friends visit?

[Allinarow48]

Having nightmares over old friends visit.

One of my closest friends is coming to visit over Christmas, after 10 years living abroad with only ocassional visits I should be excited but I’m actually terrified.

I was best mates with “Jane” since we were kids, we lived together during college and were absolutely inseparable. We really, really loved each other for years and went through a lot together. She is also good friends with my DH and my DD loves her.

During her time abroad she has met a lovely man, had a beautiful son (age 2) and started her own business.

She’s always suffered badly with depression and anxiety and her mental health has been fragile. Although in her new country she found some excellent therapists who really helped her. However lately she seems to be spiralling .

It started during Covid, I think she got very deep into social media. She’s always been very politically active and since she had her son the plight of children in Gaza has been a huge focus for her.

She’s always been very vehemently anti Israel since I’ve known her (We’re Irish and that’s very normal here).

She began to post pro-Hamas stuff just after the 7/11 attacks on Israel and immediately shared Hamas videos of the attacks ( the murder of Israelis and desecration of corpses etc.) With added commentary “This is beautiful to me.” “This is how freedom is gained.” Etc. A lot of Irish people are still quite pro-IRA and once again the support of Hamas isn’t that unusual but actually sharing the videos was extreme.

She then started posting videos of dead Gazan children pretty much continuously. Due to the time difference I can see most of her posting is done at night. I think she posts while feeding her son. Videos accompanied by “This is me.” “This is my son.” “I am Palestine.” kind of stuff. She said in one post that her ability to care for her son has been affected by the secondary trauma of what happening in Gaza.

Then recently she began to go from “Death to Israel” to “Death to the Jews.” She posted in Arabic and I translated it. It was an insta story and then disappeared. And since then she’s pretty much transitioned from anti-Israel to Anti-western and fairly drastic Antisemetic stuff “They didn’t gas enough of you” that kind of thing.

Then she went on to say recently that anyone who doesn’t agree with her should kill themselves or be killed and burn in hell etc…

Now here’s the thing: I’m Jewish, non practicing, I have relatives in Israel and lost a friend to the Hamas attacks. I’m disgusted by the Israeli government at the moment and have a lot of sympathy for the Gazan people but I don’t hate the Israeli people either. I am actually quite middle of the road politically.

Being Irish, Jewishness is is not something I have ever advertised and I’m actually not sure I’ve I ever told her. If she’s aware and doesn’t care or has forgotten and doesn’t mind me seeing her posts.

My mistake is that I never responded to any of her posts and never argued with her. She seems to think we’re totally cool. So she contacted me wanting to see me over Christmas for a day or 2.

I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’m scared I’ll say something or do something that upsets her and she freaks out, or something I do or don’t say triggers her mental heath problems and she hurts herself. I also feel bad that my dishonesty caused this situation. If I has said something last year she would probably have ditched me and never wanted to see me again.

I would like some advice on how to proceed.

Agreed.

Maybe she has mental heath issues because she’s a dick, and other people don’t react well to it?

Is it you alone? or do you have a partner and children op?

wait you do have children Op?

Parent the hell up FGS

I wouldn’t want this woman within a ten mile radius of my children and here you are…. potentially having her stay with you.

FGS OP you admit to being a coward, but for the sake of your children…. parent up

This woman is no longer your friend, your nightmares are your body’s way of telling you this. The only question you need to ask yourself, is why aren’t you listening.

Cancel her visit, tell her why and move on.

You don’t think some people can become radicalised and extreme after spending huge amounts of time online?

I am Irish and while I agree being anti -Israel and not condoning what is going on in Gaza is normal here, being pro-hamas absolutely wouldn’t be considered socially acceptable at all or the norm. I couldn’t stay friends with someone like this, even as someone who isn’t Jewish. She sounds a bit unhinged.

You are well within your rights to end the friendship. It doesn’t sounds like you have the same values any more. She sounds awful.

OP so sorry about the troll hunters and sanctimonious types. Amazing how many people have no idea how sticky communal identities can be, and how vague migrants may be about their origins, for all sorts of reasons.

I think it would be very kind of you to meet up with this friend and try to get her off her mental treadmill. Would advise against mentioning your origins.

But nobody can expect that extent of kindness from you. You have every right to find her venom personally offensive. Hope you find a solution.

I learned a lot from this thread btw, not being Irish.

It's irrelevant that you are Jewish. Her posting about the October attacks being beautiful and supporting the Holocaust alone should have been enough for you to cut her off. Her views are abhorrent and you are enabling her but not having stood up to her. For her holocaust views alone

i very much recognise your description of Kerry - and your understanding of where your friend has ended up. You are a good friend to be working it out so carefully. Sadly I think it is unlikely this friend comes back to a shape you can reclaim. Well at least my friend who became conspiracy obsessed has become unrecognisable and not someone I can see recovering. The triumphant tone over others’ losses is very unpleasant and not something you can have around your kids. So sad that she has become so distorted by her mental health problems.

She would be no friend of mine OP.

I'd cut her off personally. Your first post is extremely disturbing.

Why are you anti Israel? Where should the Jews have gone after the holocaust? Why don’t Jews deserve their homeland that their ancestors lived in centuries ago?

If you’re anti Israel, are you hoping your Israeli family are kicked out soon?

anybody who sees innocent civilians tortured, abducted and murdered (any civilians!) and posts „this is beautiful“ is not welcome in my home.

people who make light of the shoah and post stuff about the horrible murder of 6 million Jews not being „quite horrible enough“ is a person that is not welcome in my home.

she sounds unhinged and unstable. Do not have her in her home. Do not have an unstable antisemite around your Jewish family! Don’t give her access to unsuspecting Jewish people who will - obviously - feel save in your home.

Edit: and don’t give her access to your Jewish children. That is a person who cheered when Jewish children were murdered.

She could have just as well cheered at the murder of your children. Can you really overlook that? Forgive that? Expose your children to that venom in their own home?

Your friend is disgusting. Depression doesn’t cause racism. She’s choosing what content to read and believe.

You don’t sound much better either being ‘anti Israel’.

iIt is cowardly to use Covid as an excuse, plus she will ask again. Let her know exactly what you are feeling about her comments and remind her that you are in fact Jewish. Woman up!

That’s not fair. You don’t feel directly threatened here. Have you tried to imagine yourself in the ops shoes? With a mentally unwell person espousing extreme violence against all men, women, children and babies of a certain group, who knows your name and where you live? And you have plenty of real life context that many people are serious about that level of violence, not just keyboard warriors?

The trash took itself out when she blocked you. So sorry for what you went through and for your losses on 7th of October.
I did not realise people in UK have had to hide their Jewish roots.

How are you more assertive against strangers on the Internet challenging you than your antisemitic 'friend'?

That's weird.

It's a hard no from me. I would not be seeing her and I'd tell her why.

Her mental fragility is no excuse for her disgusting comments.

To be honest I don’t get why so many think this is fake. Mental health problems causing huge personality changes can be its own thing separate to radicalism. The posts are chilling but it can also be a terrifying sign of a person’s disintegration. I suspect lots of Jewish people have shed their identity. My son has a Jewish friend who mentioned it in passing as a bit of a joke. At some point his relatives changed their name and withdrew from their community. A very understandable reaction to such huge generational trauma.

It's not offensive for the OP to talk about her own experience.

It doesn't matter whether others have experienced the same or not, it's her experience and life.