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Original poster

My daughters father mess up her routine

105 replies

DenimBird · 10/12/2024 20:39

My daughter goes to her dad's 3 times a week
She's 11 months old. She usually goes over there at 3pm-7.30

Now when my baby is with me and not seeing her dad I find her routine is amazing, wake up, breakfast, play, then a nap about 12 noon-2pm, then she stays awake for rest of the day, playing, having dinner, watching tv, having a bath, bed time bottle etc and she's usually Zzzzzzz by 8pm. Perfect!

Now when her dad has her, he picks her up after her afternoon nap. So basically she goes to him fresh as a daisy. Now everytime she is with him he texts me and says she's really tired or she's falling asleep etc at around about 5-6pm. So I tell him can you keep her awake then please, play with her, talk to her etc

Her father lives with his mother still. And when he has the baby he lounges about watching tv for majority of his time with her. I had to tell him a few months back to stop letting her nap after 3pm, as her bedtime is 7-8 pm.

Now today he's messaged me at 6pm saying "the babys fallen asleep in my mums arms, she's really tired so my mum is cuddling her" I told him to take the baby off of his mother and keep her awake. There is no way she should be napping at 6 in the evening. Anyways we've had a full blown argument over it and I've told him every single time he has our daughter it makes my life harder, she comes back wide awake, and doesn't go down to sleep until 11 o'clock at night at times for me, all because those idiots let her sleep their whole visit away.

OP posts:
Anotherworrier · 10/12/2024 20:42

Well that’s co parenting I’m afraid. As long as she’s safe, warm and fed you can’t tell him what to do on his time.

I found the more I tried to have a say on what went on the worse it was. Let it go, you’ll find you rhythm with each other eventually.

Original poster
DenimBird · 10/12/2024 20:44

Anotherworrier · 10/12/2024 20:42

Well that’s co parenting I’m afraid. As long as she’s safe, warm and fed you can’t tell him what to do on his time.

I found the more I tried to have a say on what went on the worse it was. Let it go, you’ll find you rhythm with each other eventually.

It's really hard as he only has visits with her and doesn't do over nights.

If he had her over night I wouldn't care what time they let her fall asleep etc

But everytime he's bringing her back home at 7pm and she's wide awake. Because he's a lazy slob that has his daughter and just dosses on the sofa watching tv with her. No wonder she falls asleep

OP posts:
CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 10/12/2024 20:45

It’s very annoying but he can do as he wishes during his time.

Also, I found both of my dc behaved differently in different environments and with different people. Do it may be that she just isn’t going to keep to your routine with her, on his days. They have their own (annoying!) routine.

Anotherworrier · 10/12/2024 20:46

DenimBird · 10/12/2024 20:44

It's really hard as he only has visits with her and doesn't do over nights.

If he had her over night I wouldn't care what time they let her fall asleep etc

But everytime he's bringing her back home at 7pm and she's wide awake. Because he's a lazy slob that has his daughter and just dosses on the sofa watching tv with her. No wonder she falls asleep

Show quote history

Why wouldn’t you care? It’s the same thing, she comes back to you exhausted and grumpy. You’re just hating on your ex, but unfortunately you don’t get to tell him what to do. Also, how do you know he does that if you’re not there?

I’m not sure what you’re looking for in this thread but honestly, if she’s not at risk of harm, just let it go - there’s nothing you can do about it no matter how much it pisses you off, it’s his parenting time. You’re just going to make yourself miserable.

Menace24 · 10/12/2024 20:47

Shes 11 months old, if she needs a sleep I don't think you can police that.

Original poster
DenimBird · 10/12/2024 20:49

Anotherworrier · 10/12/2024 20:46

Why wouldn’t you care? It’s the same thing, she comes back to you exhausted and grumpy. You’re just hating on your ex, but unfortunately you don’t get to tell him what to do. Also, how do you know he does that if you’re not there?

I’m not sure what you’re looking for in this thread but honestly, if she’s not at risk of harm, just let it go - there’s nothing you can do about it no matter how much it pisses you off, it’s his parenting time. You’re just going to make yourself miserable.

Show quote history

I know that because I was since bringing up the baby WITH him and seen what a lazy slob he was

Hence why he's now an ex

Plus when me and him are on good terms which is most of the time he sends me non stop pictures of the sat on the sofa, he looks stoned off his head, and she's sleeping.

OP posts:
Original poster
DenimBird · 10/12/2024 20:51

Menace24 · 10/12/2024 20:47

Shes 11 months old, if she needs a sleep I don't think you can police that.

When I'm being told she's tired, after she's just had a 3 hour nap, he must be doing somthing wrong. Maybe if he actually got on the floor and played with her, talked to her. Instead of sitting her infront of the telly and lying down with her she wouldn't be tired

OP posts:
Anotherworrier · 10/12/2024 20:55

DenimBird · 10/12/2024 20:49

I know that because I was since bringing up the baby WITH him and seen what a lazy slob he was

Hence why he's now an ex

Plus when me and him are on good terms which is most of the time he sends me non stop pictures of the sat on the sofa, he looks stoned off his head, and she's sleeping.

Show quote history

Him being on drugs while looking after her is a totally different ball game isn’t it. If you honestly think that’s true why are you allowing contact, that’s just bizarre, it seems so completely weird that you’re more upset her routine is out of place then him being off his nut.

If we put the massive drip feed aside - you don’t like what you ex is doing, so what? YBU.

Pollypoppy · 10/12/2024 20:58

DenimBird · 10/12/2024 20:49

I know that because I was since bringing up the baby WITH him and seen what a lazy slob he was

Hence why he's now an ex

Plus when me and him are on good terms which is most of the time he sends me non stop pictures of the sat on the sofa, he looks stoned off his head, and she's sleeping.

Show quote history

You should NOT be allowing contact if you believe he is under the influence of any drug at all.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 10/12/2024 20:59

So let him have her overnight....

Macaroni46 · 10/12/2024 21:00

Him taking drugs around her is the issue, not the routine!
With regard to the routine, when he's with her that's out of your hands. So the baby goes to sleep a lot later those nights. So what? She'll grow up fast enough anyway and soon you won't remember what time her bedtime routine was at 11 months.

Jagoda · 10/12/2024 21:01

If he’s actually stoned, I would stop access completely.

Is he driving your baby around in that state?

Original poster
DenimBird · 10/12/2024 21:06

Jagoda · 10/12/2024 21:01

If he’s actually stoned, I would stop access completely.

Is he driving your baby around in that state?

He doesn't drive no, he usually gets a lift to my home to drop her back

And to the person who said let him have her over night. He doesn't want to

OP posts:
SaagAloopa · 10/12/2024 21:09

Ask him to stop telling you the nap routine at his as it's doing your head in. He can tell you when she napped at hand over

SaagAloopa · 10/12/2024 21:09

DenimBird · 10/12/2024 20:49

I know that because I was since bringing up the baby WITH him and seen what a lazy slob he was

Hence why he's now an ex

Plus when me and him are on good terms which is most of the time he sends me non stop pictures of the sat on the sofa, he looks stoned off his head, and she's sleeping.

Show quote history

If you think he's stoned you need to stop his access

TimeForTeaAndG · 10/12/2024 21:11

Is he smoking around her and that's why she's sleepy???

Jagoda · 10/12/2024 21:11

Why are you letting someone who is drugged up look after your baby?

Original poster
DenimBird · 10/12/2024 21:12

TimeForTeaAndG · 10/12/2024 21:11

Is he smoking around her and that's why she's sleepy???

Never even thought of that!!

OP posts:
isthesolution · 10/12/2024 21:30

Can you change the times she goes? Maybe if she went 1-530 then shed be there the same amount of time but it wouldn't be as detrimental to her routine if she napped?

Original poster
DenimBird · 10/12/2024 21:33

isthesolution · 10/12/2024 21:30

Can you change the times she goes? Maybe if she went 1-530 then shed be there the same amount of time but it wouldn't be as detrimental to her routine if she napped?

That would be best solution to it, but how it is already works best around his job unfortunately x

OP posts:
Jiik · 10/12/2024 21:35

I agree that that's incredibly annoying and sounds like there are wider issues at play.

However...it does sound like she isn't having much sleep for 11 months old. My two year old naps 12-2! At that stage she definitely still needed two naps. Is it likely she would fall asleep in the car back anyway?

RandomMess · 10/12/2024 21:37

Would it be better for you if he actual has contact time in your home?

Rowen32 · 10/12/2024 21:39

My kids were down to one nap by that age so wouldn't worry about that

comedycentral · 10/12/2024 21:39

He sounds like an absolute waste of space. A solution would be for him to have her over night, whether he wants to or not. BUT I'd really worry about him being stoned and doing overnight naps on the sofa with her or something. He needs to grow up.

Jiik · 10/12/2024 21:40

Jiik · 10/12/2024 21:35

I agree that that's incredibly annoying and sounds like there are wider issues at play.

However...it does sound like she isn't having much sleep for 11 months old. My two year old naps 12-2! At that stage she definitely still needed two naps. Is it likely she would fall asleep in the car back anyway?

Just to add to what I said, you don't say what time she gets up, but would it be easier if she is up at 7 to put her down for an hour at 10 30 ISH and cap nap at an hour so that then she does have a little kip once she goes to theirs?

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