My daughters father mess up her routine

[DenimBird]

My daughter goes to her dad's 3 times a week
She's 11 months old. She usually goes over there at 3pm-7.30

Now when my baby is with me and not seeing her dad I find her routine is amazing, wake up, breakfast, play, then a nap about 12 noon-2pm, then she stays awake for rest of the day, playing, having dinner, watching tv, having a bath, bed time bottle etc and she's usually Zzzzzzz by 8pm. Perfect!

Now when her dad has her, he picks her up after her afternoon nap. So basically she goes to him fresh as a daisy. Now everytime she is with him he texts me and says she's really tired or she's falling asleep etc at around about 5-6pm. So I tell him can you keep her awake then please, play with her, talk to her etc

Her father lives with his mother still. And when he has the baby he lounges about watching tv for majority of his time with her. I had to tell him a few months back to stop letting her nap after 3pm, as her bedtime is 7-8 pm.

Now today he's messaged me at 6pm saying "the babys fallen asleep in my mums arms, she's really tired so my mum is cuddling her" I told him to take the baby off of his mother and keep her awake. There is no way she should be napping at 6 in the evening. Anyways we've had a full blown argument over it and I've told him every single time he has our daughter it makes my life harder, she comes back wide awake, and doesn't go down to sleep until 11 o'clock at night at times for me, all because those idiots let her sleep their whole visit away.

If she’s falling asleep at 6 I’d class that as bedtime not a nap! Could you bring her 1pm nap forward, that seems quite late for an 11 month old. Then she could always squeeze a cat nap in if needed. If it doesn’t affect her overnight sleep though I really couldn’t be too bothered about it or see what the issue is. If it will make bedtime later because she’s had a late nap, she can stay with him later.

But definitely don’t let him have unsupervised contact if he’s getting high around her.

I have accepted than DP just can't pick up on cues like I can and he just doesn't think of the consequences. :/

I think this is part of the issue. He doesnt see how it affects the child and the person looking after the child. Very annoying.

Exactly this

On his days he literally takes her to his mums and bosses infront of the tv. He never takes her anywhere, not even for a walk in fresh air.

Thankyou!

He basically doesn't help me out even tho I help him our by packing a bag of essentials etc. Making sure I'm home at the right times for gin to pick her up and drop her off etc.

Yet he can't do one thing for me and keep her awake and entertain her for his pathetic 4 hours with her

Wow OP - as parent of a toddler I entirely get this, and am surprised at some of these responses.

6pm naps are the pits, cause a nightmare bedtime and a late wake. It's not a small inconvenience, it disrupts your next 24 hours.

Priority here has to be addressing the drug use - that needs to end immediately - but once that's sorted I'd also suggest changing the contact time if you can. Move to a morning or over the nap time, and avoid the difficult evening entirely.

Having her in the morning wouldn't work as he has work to go to

That would be best tho agree!

Thankyou! It's bloody ridiculous who let's a baby/child nap 6pm for God sake

Both parents can opt out if they want, it does happen sometimes, baby would end up fostered then probably adopted. Usually what happens is the parent that cares gets stuck with the care.

What about dropping it down so he has DC from 3-5pm instead of 3-7? With the plan it'll increase once she can stay awake longer. I know someone said stop letting him see her if it's not overnight and let him take you to court, but it's likely court would support him having these hours as they value both parents having a relationship with the child and they don't force parents to have more involvement than they want. CAO are about when the residential parent must make the child available for contact, the other parent can always opt out of that contact including at the last-minute. If he's working and PAYG it would be very hard to opt out of CMS, but a defined monetary contribution is all the law enforces on parents.

I don't understand why if he's working he is not providing nappies etc.

Give him notice - as of x you won't be providing nappies etc, it will be up to him. And get that claim into CMS - even if it's just for a couple of quid - he has responsibilities now.

And the smoking around her has to stop - even if it's 'just' tobacco.

Change one of the visits - he can pick her up on his days off in the morning for a change

It's sad how true this actually is!

It is ridiculous, but it's also not something I'd bother trying to get him to stop doing. If he was capable of being reasonable and responsible he would already be being these things. It's a hiding to nothing trying to get him to change this. I'd look at ways you can reduce the impact of his behaviour that are under your control. Overnight aside how can you change things to minimise his impact on the routine. Could you shorten it, he does something like 3pm -5pm instead? Could he do only one weeknight 3-7pm and then one weekend morning, say 9-12? Then you'd be dealing with it just once a week.

Is it possible she's inhaling smoke from dope if he's looking really stoned?
Change the time he has her, to morning time.

Every mother in this thread knows the term 'danger nap'. Anything post 4pm with a toddler is hell zone and you avoid it at all costs. He's not listening when OP asks him to not let her because he WANTS to be difficult and his ego tells him to do the opposite of what she says out of spite.

OP I know you said that timing works around his work schedule. I don't know what he does for a living but he must get days off or negotiate a different schedule to fit his childcare needs. Then have him have her in the mornings. Although I understand you want your evenings to yourself.

I could maybe narrow his days to 2 days a week I suppose

As for the 3-5 I don't think he would be happy with just 2 hours. Even tho it seems like he can't be bothered as it is

If I'm being honest I think he only keeps the relationship going because his mother likes seeing the baby

Yes it is and it shouldn't be like this and I can't fathom parents who behave like this, but it is like this. My kids dad, ex, doesn't care about the impact of his choices on our kids, and I spent far too long trying to get him to understand those impacts and didnt achieve anything except feeling more angry and more resentful. I wrongly assumed he didn't realise what the impacts were, but he just doesn't GAF. So now I work on the things that are personally in my control to mitigate the harm to our kids and leave him to it.

He gets weekends off and likes to go out drinking Friday and Saturday then be hungover on Sundays

So not only does he refuse over nights he refuses weekends

This has just naturally happened as he turns his phone off for the whole weekend. So I kind of got used to have the baby all weekend

This is really good advice, you are right, only I'm getting wound up! Not him at all

What's she like? Might be useful when DDs older to have an involved grandparent shes familiar and comfortable with. My ex might be at best a glorified baby sitter, but it's a real sanity saver getting some time to yourself when they're older. My ex also wouldn’t see the kids less despite acting like they're an inconvenience when they're with him. It's all about his right to have time with them.

She's actually really nice
In the past when me and her son have had arguments she 9/10 usually agrees with me

She has made a comment or 2 about the baby/my parenting

For instance she made a comment saying the baby should be eating more at her age. As I still pack a jar of baby food for her to have over their house. And that's only because she wouldn't eat otherwise

When she's at home with me I use the odd jar of baby food but I also try her with solids aswell

I don't understand why his mother made the comment to me.. does she want me to pack a bag of fresh food for the baby's visit at her dads house aswell. That's where I will draw the line

My DD naturally dropped to one nap a day at seven months - all babies are different.

I didn't follow any nap schedule and just let her sleep whenever - she dropped her two naps very quickly, and my mum said I did the same as a baby... Then apparently I stopped napping entirely when I turned one 😳 which my mum described as "horrific" because then she never got a break.

My DD has also naturally started staying awake during naptime and is dropping it entirely - and she's about to turn two.

Again, I've not forced any of this. In fact I've been making her sit in her cot wide awake and playing for an hour and a half each day during her old nap time. But I've got to sadly accept that she's now stopped daytime napping

@DenimBird sorry?! Woman to woman OP, please please stop letting him dictate to you when he has DC. This is so unfair on you. It's important she sees her dad but stop letting him call the shots. 'Sorry mate, 3-7 doesn't work for me anymore I have other arrangements. Let's look at CM as well as a mutually beneficial timetable'

This would majorly piss me off too.
I know it’s nice to have a break. But tell him to shove it. He’s the type who thinks he’s doing you a favour by ‘watching’ his own child. Pathetic x

The problem is that you chose a lazy, tight, drug using loser to be your baby's father and now you are stuck with him. If I were you I'd make him take me to court for access and hope he never did.

This is terrible advice. The visits are to the child's father. By all means, schedule granny time for breaks or child care, but you cannot just cut the father out if discussions around parenting. He is the parent!