My daughters father mess up her routine

[DenimBird]

My daughter goes to her dad's 3 times a week
She's 11 months old. She usually goes over there at 3pm-7.30

Now when my baby is with me and not seeing her dad I find her routine is amazing, wake up, breakfast, play, then a nap about 12 noon-2pm, then she stays awake for rest of the day, playing, having dinner, watching tv, having a bath, bed time bottle etc and she's usually Zzzzzzz by 8pm. Perfect!

Now when her dad has her, he picks her up after her afternoon nap. So basically she goes to him fresh as a daisy. Now everytime she is with him he texts me and says she's really tired or she's falling asleep etc at around about 5-6pm. So I tell him can you keep her awake then please, play with her, talk to her etc

Her father lives with his mother still. And when he has the baby he lounges about watching tv for majority of his time with her. I had to tell him a few months back to stop letting her nap after 3pm, as her bedtime is 7-8 pm.

Now today he's messaged me at 6pm saying "the babys fallen asleep in my mums arms, she's really tired so my mum is cuddling her" I told him to take the baby off of his mother and keep her awake. There is no way she should be napping at 6 in the evening. Anyways we've had a full blown argument over it and I've told him every single time he has our daughter it makes my life harder, she comes back wide awake, and doesn't go down to sleep until 11 o'clock at night at times for me, all because those idiots let her sleep their whole visit away.

Get him to have her in the mornings and bring her back after lunch

I don’t agree with trying to keep a baby awake when they’re tired. Why does she need to be on such a strict schedule at 11 months old??

Well clearly dont like him but that's babies im afraid if theu miss a nap or have a nap too late they can be buggers to get to sleep.

It sounds like it would be better for him to have overnights but it depends if you genuinely think he's smoking weed around her.

During the day she can nap whenever, but to let a baby nap at 5-6pm is silly.

He knows her bedtime is 8pm-8.30pm

So if she falls asleep at 6pm for even just an hour. No way will she be ready for her actual full nights sleep at 8pm

And as he doesn't do overnights it ME that has to deal with a wide awake baby up until 10-11pm at times

All because he couldn't be bothered to actually interact with her, and spends his whole time with her sat watching tv. It's no wonder she gets sleepy

He doesn't want them

My babies are 18 and 14 now but I remember it's annoying when they have a nap later than normal and your evening is buggered up but that's babies for you.

Not a chance lol

I have a 1yo and 2yo. I work more so my husband has the kids 4 days a week and I have thrm 3 days a week.

We live together but on his days their routine goes out the window. It used to drive me mad and crazy so i really sympathise. I took over all of bed times and wake up times as it was getting ridiculous.

With these changes their routine was still so different with him. I have realised now that they just act so differently with him. They will eat different foods at different times and sleep very differently. I am over it now but I really sympathise with you as it is so frustrating to have to keep picking up the pieces.

She gets up arpund 8.30am

First nap is around 1pm-3pm

Then when she's in my care for the day she will stay awake from 3pm until bed time which will be anything from 7.30-8.30

And sleeps all the way threw until morning

I get its a pita,but she won't be having naps forever .

Very frustrating how the other parent. And in your case the other parent that lives with you, can do it soo different

Do they not witness what we do/say

It baffles me, it must just be men

Because I feel like in most situations weather the parents are still together, or split up, the mother always has the better routine!

Why does he get to opt out? What do you want? What would happen if you both didn't want overnights with your child? It would be crazy, wouldn't it? He's got the easy parenting experience here.

Story of my life
That's just the half of it
He also opts out of paying any money towards her. I haven't had a penny off him since July. I ever pack her nappys, wipes and food to go over her dad's house.

So yeah I don't get to opt out but he does, and not just with over nights

I disagree. If a man said these things about a woman it would be called out for misogyny.

Well he can't just opt out financially put in a claim for CMS and ensure he provides nappies, food etc at his house

Are we seriously glossing over the fact you let him have her whilst smoking weed. Stop the contact OP! That's not on!

I'm sorry to hear this. Can you seek child support from him and stop providing supplies for his house? I bet he tells everyone how much of an amazing dad he is! You sound like you really have your little one's best interests at heart and are trying to do your best for her!

Yeh well that's parenting, sometimes you have to do things you don't want. I'd say that that's the deal- either he has her overnight or he doesn't have her and he can take you to court for access. Or alternatively, he has her in the morning when he can't ruin the bedtime routine.

CMS doesn't have a opt-out tik box. Get it formalised and make him pay.

It's not about what HE wants. It's about what's best for the baby.

Clearly the current timing isn't what is best so I suggest he jas her once a week from 3pm until 7am over night then over a nap time one other day.

If he refuses then shorten the time he sees her form 3pm til 6pm.

Very frustrating how the other parent. And in your case the other parent that lives with you, can do it soo different

See op that’s the thing I think we all forget sometimes- they’re parents too and while he doesn’t get the inconvenience you do he to say she was dozing after getting cuddles with her granny- that’s just the way they do it- he has limited time with her and doesn’t have the chores etc you have to do. In the future there’s going to be bigger hills to die on- the two of you need to start figuring co parenting out

The baby feels comforted enouh to sleep in her Grandmother's arms; a sleeping baby is a happy baby. I understand how angry you must be, I have been the same, but please cherish the thought your baby has a GM who cares enough and a father who is a bit involved a few days a week.

So many DM's on here in committed, overtly happy relationships post about the failures of their loving partners when a baby comes along - so many times it doesn't pan out quite as equal as they thought it would.

Maybe you could speak more with your ex-partner's DM/baby's GM about the baby who you both love and find an arrangement that suits you both and the baby better. Your ex can just fit himself into the arrangement.

Sounds very frustrating for you - but it's not something you have control over so really you need to let it go.
The question you need to ask is whether your daughter is safe there. He doesn't have to be an amazing father, just good enough.

Because I feel like in most situations weather the parents are still together, or split up, the mother always has the better routine!

Neither me nor DH had a routine with either of our DC. But we also didn’t sit around doing nothing with an 11 month old watching TV all day. Her irregular sleep times are probably because she’s under-stimulated. Kids need fresh air and to explore the world around them. I would limit contact time, he sounds utterly useless.