Husband insulting me to MIL

[Helpinghand1234]

Honest opinions please?

I (40f) am married to DH (41m) I’ve always had a tricky but civil relationship with in-laws. They’re overbearing and emeshed (farming family so everyone but them is an outsider)

Things got trickier when we married, then much much trickier when I had DS 15months ago. I’ve basically felt like a surrogate. MIL complains DS is a mummy’s boy, I shouldn’t have breast fed as no one else could feed him, DS doesn’t want to know her when I’m there, she’s not good enough when I’m around etc. If I complain to DH he says I’m stirring up trouble, imagining it or that’s just how she is. He works long hours keeping their farm afloat and has very little time at home in the evenings. When he does come home, at some point mil or fil will phone to see what DH had for dinner etc and ask how DS is. All of his money goes on keeping the farm afloat and my wages pay all our bills (I owned the home mortgage free before we married) When I complained to DH they were intruding on the little family time we had in the evenings the calls became less but constant messages to his phone, but I thought we had created some kind of boundary.

Im now 15 weeks pregnant with DC2. MIL and SIL had a very cold reaction when we told them, and it’s been niggling at me. DH has a way of making me feel like I’m imagining things, but this time I just
couldn’t convince myself that I was imagining it.

I know I’m totally in the wrong here and accept that fully, but this morning around 5am I couldn’t sleep and things were just going around and around my head. DH hadn’t put his phone to charge on his bedside table and it was on the middle of the bed. I unlocked it and started reading messages between him and MIL. I now know why she dislikes me so much. DH has called me lazy, told her there no dinner ready for him when he gets home, he’s had to do all the laundry as Id been lazy all day, I’ve had takeaway but there’s nothing for him, I’m angry and unpleasant/or I’m in a reasonable mood that night, he’s had to clean up my mess as the house was a tip, that I took my son without a coat and hat in the cold weather until he stopped me. He’s told her DS is saying Gran a lot which I’m not pleased about (DS says 3 words and gran isn’t even one of them). Every single thing is a lie.
In all the time we’ve been married I can count on one hand the times he’s come home with no meal ready, and that will be because I’ve just arrived home myself or I’m ill etc. I do all of the laundry (he wouldn’t know how to turn washing machine on) do all the housework (I doubt he knows where the hoover is) and have never taken DS out without either a sunhat or cold weather hat. He says he’s had too cook dinner, put DS to bed and is now cleaning my mess as I’m in bed. (I go to bed the same time as DS as he sleeps for around 3 hours and it’s the longest stretch of sleep I get- he’s then awake every hour/two hours to feed). MIL’s responses are “isn’t she lazy, she must have been in bed all day, she needs a good shake, don’t worry DS will grow soon so you won’t have to stay etc.” When he told her my DM was here, he called her “the old woman” and she responded “is she there to brag about how much money she has?” (My parents are fairly wealthy but not in an ostentatious way- they own property but drive a 15 year old car) She has also repeatedly told DH I’m angry and awful to be around as they’re not good enough for me. Everything he’s told her is a lie, but it’s like he wants to play little boy victim to his mother.

What on earth do I do? I confronted DH this morning- his response was he needed to vent somewhere, which is fair enough, but he wasn’t venting, he was lying and speaking about me in a very hostile and unpleasant way and actively lying. We argued recently as he took DS to mil with no car seat (10 minute journey) and they both had a moan about how I was still stomping my feet about it and being my usual unpleasant self.

What’s most confusing is to my face he’s lovely, we have the odd argument here and there but overall I thought we were happy, he constantly tells me how much he loves me, how happy he is etc but all the while messaging his mother how awful I am. We had a lovely day yesterday buying a Xmas tree and decorating etc and now I feel like my family is destroyed.

Ive spoken to my best friend and DB this morning- they both advised time to cool off before speaking to him to find out why he’s done this. I already know what he’ll say- he can’t get away from her etc, and really it doesn’t matter- how can I ever trust him again? This is the person who is supposed to be my biggest cheerleader but is actively assassinating my character to his mother. I suppose I want some reassurance I’m not overreacting? Is it enough to call it quits? I don’t want DS and DC2 to come from a broken home and I feel so ashamed and embarrassed to be in this situation- all the signs were there that they have an unhealthy relationship but I honestly never thought he would speak about me with such contempt. And worst of all I really do love him- he’s my best friend and when we have time just the 3 of us it’s wonderful. I know he can never go NC with in-laws as without him they’d be destitute, but I’m heartbroken about the situation.

WWYD?

Keep that anger and use it to move forwards without him.

He’s not your friend.
He doesn’t even like you.

I'm glad that you now realise that it's time to end this @Helpinghand1234 . I know it's hard to realise that what you thought you had was a lie. But you'll be doing the right thing.

Very good.👍

What a bunch of sociopathic weirdos.

It must be so hard! But to be frank, even if you stay with him, the future you imagine will not be. It's only gonna get worse, you kids will be entangled in these toxic relationships and the lies will only get bigger, worse and more frequent.

tell him to go and stay with his parents until Chrismas. What a cheeky fucker.

Jesus this is just awful, I wouldn't be able to look at him again after this. It's one thing to vent to your parents, it's another to make up horrible lies about you and turn his family against you. It's so cold and calculated.

I'm as stubborn as a mule so I would make him go to his mother's with you and tell her in front of you that everything he has said about you is a complete lie.... then I would turf him straight out of the house when I got home. But you may not want to go down this route obviously.

Is the home in your name only?

The house is a marital asset, even if she owns it fully, in the eyes of the law it belongs to them both if they are married.

if they get divorced she would probably have to sell up and give him half

Doesn’t really matter if it’s in her name only if they are married. He can make a legal claim on it (register property rights).

This is appalling, and every bit as bad as cheating as far as I'm concerned. It undermines everything you thought you knew about your relationship. He simply isn't who you thought he was.

It will only get worse, even if he manages to hide it from you in the future. Obviously your MIL doesn't like you, and he feels like mummy's little prince when he gets to join in the bitching sessions and play the poor little victim. Men who lie and gaslight like this usually do so to prepare or cover for cheating. But the result is the same. He likes having you around, but he only actually cares about himself. The trust is gone.

Leaving will be hard, but oh my goodness the relief and happiness you will feel when you have a second chance at life. Imagine how great it will be to be with someone who actually loves you and is on your side, who would stand up for you in a heartbeat, who actually cares if you're happy.

I would be tempted to initiate a text conversation with him in which you ask him directly why he lied about all of the above. Screenshot his responses (and hopefully his grovelling apologies) so that if anyone challenges you in the future you can show them proof that he's a lying, gaslighting, selfish prick.

No way I could trust him.
U could call him out on his behaviour in front of his mum and see if he admits to lying or says its you.

This would be the end for me.

@Nc546888 I really really hope that she has somehow managed to protect her home... he's been freeloading off her all this time, to think she might now have to split her property with this man is awful.

When you speak to a solicitor, I would talk to them about using whatever tactics needed to secure you and your children your home away from these people. It's clear now they see you as the subsidy for their own home and business. Have prepared a speech about how you could claim on the farm and their assets given all you've paid, but if he was willing to walk away from a claim on your house, you could call it quits. Please note that I'm not a legal person - that much is probably obvious - but the point I'm making is: they will want their pound of flesh from you, as they always have. Be ready to fight fire with fire to avoid getting defrauded and left with less for your kids here.

Excellent advice

Yes, this.

Have I understood correctly - aside from the lying, and taking your LO in the care without a car seat (both unforgivable in my opinion), he:

Doesn't contribute a penny financially to your household, ie the one you share as a family you him and your baby?

Also doesn't contribute a thing to the domestic load or looking after your child, that's all you too, despite the fact you also work (to pay all your bills)

If that's the case (and I think I remember reading another post from you OP on the set up re their farm) but really, WTAF? I would want to be ensuring your home is fully protected and he can't get a penny in a divorce but also as the above said, can you claim something against the farm (probably not legally) but I think it's bonkers that your pooled resources (ie his labour, because your labour has maintained the household you live in as a family) has gone into maintaining their farm if you don't have some kind of claim against it. Because if you flip it around - imagine he either had an ownership claim on the farm - it would be a joint asset therefore in your divorce - or he earned a salary - all that additional money would have contributed to maintaining your family household (so you would have had cash free from your job to put into savings).

I'm so sorry OP that he's been lying like this about you, it's really horrible and really not at all normal, I don't see a way back from that.

I agree, if there was any way that a solicitor could suggest that the OP might have a claim to the money pit family farm I’d suggest this might be the bargaining chip she needs to get out of the marriage with her sons with the best financial settlement and no shared custody (the husband sounds like an idiot and I’ve seen enough news stories about kids being injured on farms/ quad bikes etc).

OP I've got nothing additional to say that hasn't already been said but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry that he did this to you.

I had a similar issue with my now ex husband . After I divorced my dick of a husband, I had a moment of clarity where it suddenly dawned on me why his family didn't like me, in spite of the fact that i'd never actually done anything wrong or horrid to them. I overheard something I shouldn't have. It hurts. I hope you get away with a good financial settlement x

Forgot to add, someone told me this once.

In order for people to think badly of your husband, all you have to do is tell them the truth but in order for people to think badly of you, your husband has to lie.

Good to hear you are finally realising that you have tough choices to make @Helpinghand1234 . It won't be easy but who knows what else he has done or intends doing. You and your children have to become your No1 priority, not a lying, manipulative person whose loyalties are to his mother and not his wife and children.
No love or respect for any of you. He's a disgraceful human being.

You MUST get out of this relationship before your children are old enough to hear him talking like this about you to his mother. He'll poison them against you. To be honest, it's still a risk even after you split up but at least then your children will see you not accepting it, and if he's that busy hopefully he won't have them for much of the week. In fact, best to leave him NOW while the children are too young to go to him 50/50 and are still bf.

Wow. I’ve seen the term “unforgivable” used quite a lot and I totally agree. Awful excuse of a man

Oh my god OP. I know it's scary when you're pregnant but you really need to leave him. What an absolute shit.

@Helpinghand1234 You have had numerous threads about him and his family. the time has come to take the bull by the horns and not care about offending his "D"m or his "D"f or even his "D"sis! go there and tell them the truth and tell them exactly what you think of them. I honestly do not think you are in a good relationship. your husband might be all sweetness and light to your face but he is stabbing you in the back all the time to his family! he is not good and if he say he does this just to keep his mother happy then that is even worse! take your kids and go to be with near your mum. see how he actually manages to survive financially without your money and see how he manages looking after himself and actually doing everything which he states he is already doing anyway. he is meant to be head of his family, albeit joint head with you therefore his loyalties are meant to lie with you. not his mother or father. mother and father are not the boss of you. the farm sounds like it is on the verge of bankruptcy anyway.

My parents did something very similar to me. They told me that they would be destitute if I didn't work for them for free (and I'm an idiot, so I did). Then they sold their business for a huge amount of money and left me without so much as a backward glance.

Don't be too surprised if the farm is never given to him, but is sold instead.

None of that excuses his behaviour, of course. He probably didn't see it as a betrayal,just that his mummy would be nicer to him, or give him extra treats or something if he made her feel sorry for him. Although, are you totally sure that they aren't paying him and keeping it secret?

Whatever is really going on, I think you will be best off out of it. This isn't a game you can ever win.

He doesn't love you, he would be unable to lie so horribly about someone he respected and loved.

He gives no craps about your dc either, who on earth travels without a carseat for a young child they would like to keep alive?!

Your dc are still very young, best to split now than after decades of misery. Though he'll probably leave you when the dc are old enough to stay over and his mummy finds someone new for him.