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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband insulting me to MIL

336 replies

Helpinghand1234 · 09/12/2024 12:09

Honest opinions please?

I (40f) am married to DH (41m) I’ve always had a tricky but civil relationship with in-laws. They’re overbearing and emeshed (farming family so everyone but them is an outsider)

Things got trickier when we married, then much much trickier when I had DS 15months ago. I’ve basically felt like a surrogate. MIL complains DS is a mummy’s boy, I shouldn’t have breast fed as no one else could feed him, DS doesn’t want to know her when I’m there, she’s not good enough when I’m around etc. If I complain to DH he says I’m stirring up trouble, imagining it or that’s just how she is. He works long hours keeping their farm afloat and has very little time at home in the evenings. When he does come home, at some point mil or fil will phone to see what DH had for dinner etc and ask how DS is. All of his money goes on keeping the farm afloat and my wages pay all our bills (I owned the home mortgage free before we married) When I complained to DH they were intruding on the little family time we had in the evenings the calls became less but constant messages to his phone, but I thought we had created some kind of boundary.

Im now 15 weeks pregnant with DC2. MIL and SIL had a very cold reaction when we told them, and it’s been niggling at me. DH has a way of making me feel like I’m imagining things, but this time I just
couldn’t convince myself that I was imagining it.

I know I’m totally in the wrong here and accept that fully, but this morning around 5am I couldn’t sleep and things were just going around and around my head. DH hadn’t put his phone to charge on his bedside table and it was on the middle of the bed. I unlocked it and started reading messages between him and MIL. I now know why she dislikes me so much. DH has called me lazy, told her there no dinner ready for him when he gets home, he’s had to do all the laundry as Id been lazy all day, I’ve had takeaway but there’s nothing for him, I’m angry and unpleasant/or I’m in a reasonable mood that night, he’s had to clean up my mess as the house was a tip, that I took my son without a coat and hat in the cold weather until he stopped me. He’s told her DS is saying Gran a lot which I’m not pleased about (DS says 3 words and gran isn’t even one of them). Every single thing is a lie.
In all the time we’ve been married I can count on one hand the times he’s come home with no meal ready, and that will be because I’ve just arrived home myself or I’m ill etc. I do all of the laundry (he wouldn’t know how to turn washing machine on) do all the housework (I doubt he knows where the hoover is) and have never taken DS out without either a sunhat or cold weather hat. He says he’s had too cook dinner, put DS to bed and is now cleaning my mess as I’m in bed. (I go to bed the same time as DS as he sleeps for around 3 hours and it’s the longest stretch of sleep I get- he’s then awake every hour/two hours to feed). MIL’s responses are “isn’t she lazy, she must have been in bed all day, she needs a good shake, don’t worry DS will grow soon so you won’t have to stay etc.” When he told her my DM was here, he called her “the old woman” and she responded “is she there to brag about how much money she has?” (My parents are fairly wealthy but not in an ostentatious way- they own property but drive a 15 year old car) She has also repeatedly told DH I’m angry and awful to be around as they’re not good enough for me. Everything he’s told her is a lie, but it’s like he wants to play little boy victim to his mother.

What on earth do I do? I confronted DH this morning- his response was he needed to vent somewhere, which is fair enough, but he wasn’t venting, he was lying and speaking about me in a very hostile and unpleasant way and actively lying. We argued recently as he took DS to mil with no car seat (10 minute journey) and they both had a moan about how I was still stomping my feet about it and being my usual unpleasant self.

What’s most confusing is to my face he’s lovely, we have the odd argument here and there but overall I thought we were happy, he constantly tells me how much he loves me, how happy he is etc but all the while messaging his mother how awful I am. We had a lovely day yesterday buying a Xmas tree and decorating etc and now I feel like my family is destroyed.

Ive spoken to my best friend and DB this morning- they both advised time to cool off before speaking to him to find out why he’s done this. I already know what he’ll say- he can’t get away from her etc, and really it doesn’t matter- how can I ever trust him again? This is the person who is supposed to be my biggest cheerleader but is actively assassinating my character to his mother. I suppose I want some reassurance I’m not overreacting? Is it enough to call it quits? I don’t want DS and DC2 to come from a broken home and I feel so ashamed and embarrassed to be in this situation- all the signs were there that they have an unhealthy relationship but I honestly never thought he would speak about me with such contempt. And worst of all I really do love him- he’s my best friend and when we have time just the 3 of us it’s wonderful. I know he can never go NC with in-laws as without him they’d be destitute, but I’m heartbroken about the situation.

WWYD?

OP posts:
TiramisuThief · 09/12/2024 13:10

Hoppinggreen · 09/12/2024 12:31

You keep posting about this awful enmeshed family and everyone tells you that it won't get better and you need to find a way to leave asap.

Yep. You keep posting OP and we keep giving you the same advice.

Please find a way to end it.

PinkiOcelot · 09/12/2024 13:11

Wow OP. I’m so sorry. That would be a deal breaker for me. That’s despicable.

whatnow5 · 09/12/2024 13:11

Hes a liar. That’s enough of a reason to get rid of him. You can’t live the rest of your life wondering who this person you married actually is and second guessing yourself.

LifeExperience · 09/12/2024 13:14

I would not stay with a man who lied about me. If you're not willing to leave you need to get trauma counseling to understand why you are willing to live with a deeply disturbed man.

lifeisforlaying · 09/12/2024 13:15

I don't think I could get past this if it happened to me. I would personally start divorce proceedings, if you can't then marriage counselling could be a start but I would absolutely speak to his mother and put her straight about a few things.

BobTheBobcatsBob · 09/12/2024 13:15

This isn't him getting frustrated and sounding off to his mum in frustration after you've both had a disagreement...this is him actively making lies up about you because his mum likes to hear negative stuff about you, wants to put you in your place and doesn't want you to be the main woman in his life. Once your dc are old enough she will do the same with them and encourage them to speak badly about you, and your weak pathetic "d"h will allow it to happen.

Your MIL sounds vile but your dh is your biggest problem. He should have your back with his mother but instead he's stabbing you in it. I wouldn't be able to forgive this at all. Horrible creature.

Projectme · 09/12/2024 13:15

CagneyNYPD1 · 09/12/2024 12:43

I am not defending your MIL, but you can now see why she is so cold towards you. Your DH has repeatedly fed her a pack of lies about you which has tainted her view of you.

I would take the bull by the horns and tell him that he has a choice:

He can go to his parents today and tell them the truth. Then book himself in for counselling.

Or he can keep up the lies and move back in with his parents.

I doubt there is a middle ground here.

yeah this.

He's not been your 'best friend'. He's not been 'cheer leading' you at all.

Have a think about what you want from this. What do YOU want to happen? How can you go about getting done what YOU want? He knows that you know so where do you go from here? Whilst you must want to go nuclear with him, best to wait till you've calmed down and had a good think about what it is you want going forwards. Best of luck. (he's a pathetic mummys-boy twat btw)

Peridot1 · 09/12/2024 13:16

There would be no coming back from this for me.

He lied to your face. He lied about your DS’s safety. He lies to his mother. You cannot trust a word he says.

He has lied to his family about you repeatedly. That is not venting.

I think sadly he has seen you as a cash cow. You had a mortgage free house. You had a good job and supported the family and he was able to just put money into the money pit that is the family farm.

DreadPirateRobots · 09/12/2024 13:16

The craven, cowardly, misogynist bag of shit. Yes, I would leave him. Your marriage is a lie.

Peridot1 · 09/12/2024 13:16

And he is absolutely not your best friend. Worst enemy more like.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 09/12/2024 13:17

I'd take pictures of all messages, see a solicitor and divorce him. I would also have a meeting with him and rest if family to explain that the texts are untrue ... get him to admit his BS.

FannyFernackerpants · 09/12/2024 13:17

I think I posted on your other thread...this family will not change. Farming families are notoriously closed off and tbh they only need new family members (usually women) for breeding purposes!
In their eyes you're just on the same level as a cow getting served by the bull.

Thursa · 09/12/2024 13:19

He’s not venting, he’s lying. No wonder your mil is against you when she’s hearing that pack of lies he’s feeding her. I’d leave him. Get your kids out of the toxic life before if affects them.

steponacrackbreakyourmothersback · 09/12/2024 13:23

I could begrudgingly accept him venting to his mum. But not lying.

The only way I would consider forgiving him is if he massively apologised and (in front of me) told his parents he had lied to them many times and apologised to me in front of them.

But based on what you have said he has no care for your feelings whatsoever

Mumofteenandtween · 09/12/2024 13:24

One thing to note is that this does actually show just how fabulous you are. Your husband (for reasons unknown) wanted to slag you off to his mother. Now if my husband wanted to slag me off to his mother there are loads and loads of things he could say. I am untidy. I read too many books. I buy too many books. My cooking is “basic”. I am hugely unromantic.

But your husband couldn’t think of a thing! He had to lie about you to come up with anything.

BodyKeepingScore · 09/12/2024 13:25

And to further add... he's not your best friend. you might enjoy his company, but no best friend treats someone the way he is treating you behind your back. He's movies into a house you already owned, he's using his own money to pump back into his family's business and to top it all off he's lying about you and insulting you to anyone who will listen. He's a self centred man child. Let him run back to his mummy

skyeisthelimit · 09/12/2024 13:25

Ask why he has outright lied to his mother. If he changes the subject don't get drawn into discussing anything else, ask him again why he is texting lies to her.

There is no excuse for this at all. He has deliberately alienated you from his parents by badmouthing you. Of course they won't like you.

He needs to tell his parents the truth, in front of you, so that you know it's been done.

pikkumyy77 · 09/12/2024 13:26

You need to put yourself snd your children in a safe position. Sell the house and move. You don’t have to divorce if its not advantageous to you. But you need to leave and start again far away. Somewhere you don’t need a car, with good schools. Leave him to be a prisoner of his farming world. You might move before divorce/without divorce if that makes it harder for him to get 50/50. Because for sure he will demand 50/50 so his mother can take your children and he won’t owe you child support.

Littlejellyuk · 09/12/2024 13:27

Helpinghand1234 · 09/12/2024 12:09

Honest opinions please?

I (40f) am married to DH (41m) I’ve always had a tricky but civil relationship with in-laws. They’re overbearing and emeshed (farming family so everyone but them is an outsider)

Things got trickier when we married, then much much trickier when I had DS 15months ago. I’ve basically felt like a surrogate. MIL complains DS is a mummy’s boy, I shouldn’t have breast fed as no one else could feed him, DS doesn’t want to know her when I’m there, she’s not good enough when I’m around etc. If I complain to DH he says I’m stirring up trouble, imagining it or that’s just how she is. He works long hours keeping their farm afloat and has very little time at home in the evenings. When he does come home, at some point mil or fil will phone to see what DH had for dinner etc and ask how DS is. All of his money goes on keeping the farm afloat and my wages pay all our bills (I owned the home mortgage free before we married) When I complained to DH they were intruding on the little family time we had in the evenings the calls became less but constant messages to his phone, but I thought we had created some kind of boundary.

Im now 15 weeks pregnant with DC2. MIL and SIL had a very cold reaction when we told them, and it’s been niggling at me. DH has a way of making me feel like I’m imagining things, but this time I just
couldn’t convince myself that I was imagining it.

I know I’m totally in the wrong here and accept that fully, but this morning around 5am I couldn’t sleep and things were just going around and around my head. DH hadn’t put his phone to charge on his bedside table and it was on the middle of the bed. I unlocked it and started reading messages between him and MIL. I now know why she dislikes me so much. DH has called me lazy, told her there no dinner ready for him when he gets home, he’s had to do all the laundry as Id been lazy all day, I’ve had takeaway but there’s nothing for him, I’m angry and unpleasant/or I’m in a reasonable mood that night, he’s had to clean up my mess as the house was a tip, that I took my son without a coat and hat in the cold weather until he stopped me. He’s told her DS is saying Gran a lot which I’m not pleased about (DS says 3 words and gran isn’t even one of them). Every single thing is a lie.
In all the time we’ve been married I can count on one hand the times he’s come home with no meal ready, and that will be because I’ve just arrived home myself or I’m ill etc. I do all of the laundry (he wouldn’t know how to turn washing machine on) do all the housework (I doubt he knows where the hoover is) and have never taken DS out without either a sunhat or cold weather hat. He says he’s had too cook dinner, put DS to bed and is now cleaning my mess as I’m in bed. (I go to bed the same time as DS as he sleeps for around 3 hours and it’s the longest stretch of sleep I get- he’s then awake every hour/two hours to feed). MIL’s responses are “isn’t she lazy, she must have been in bed all day, she needs a good shake, don’t worry DS will grow soon so you won’t have to stay etc.” When he told her my DM was here, he called her “the old woman” and she responded “is she there to brag about how much money she has?” (My parents are fairly wealthy but not in an ostentatious way- they own property but drive a 15 year old car) She has also repeatedly told DH I’m angry and awful to be around as they’re not good enough for me. Everything he’s told her is a lie, but it’s like he wants to play little boy victim to his mother.

What on earth do I do? I confronted DH this morning- his response was he needed to vent somewhere, which is fair enough, but he wasn’t venting, he was lying and speaking about me in a very hostile and unpleasant way and actively lying. We argued recently as he took DS to mil with no car seat (10 minute journey) and they both had a moan about how I was still stomping my feet about it and being my usual unpleasant self.

What’s most confusing is to my face he’s lovely, we have the odd argument here and there but overall I thought we were happy, he constantly tells me how much he loves me, how happy he is etc but all the while messaging his mother how awful I am. We had a lovely day yesterday buying a Xmas tree and decorating etc and now I feel like my family is destroyed.

Ive spoken to my best friend and DB this morning- they both advised time to cool off before speaking to him to find out why he’s done this. I already know what he’ll say- he can’t get away from her etc, and really it doesn’t matter- how can I ever trust him again? This is the person who is supposed to be my biggest cheerleader but is actively assassinating my character to his mother. I suppose I want some reassurance I’m not overreacting? Is it enough to call it quits? I don’t want DS and DC2 to come from a broken home and I feel so ashamed and embarrassed to be in this situation- all the signs were there that they have an unhealthy relationship but I honestly never thought he would speak about me with such contempt. And worst of all I really do love him- he’s my best friend and when we have time just the 3 of us it’s wonderful. I know he can never go NC with in-laws as without him they’d be destitute, but I’m heartbroken about the situation.

WWYD?

So your DS is a mummys boy, yet your MIL cannot cut the aprons strings from her grown up son? Nope! I'm sorry but this smiling assassin of a husband is not a provider to your small immediate little family unit, but is keeping their family farm going, while you pay the bills? Nah. You have the house and the wages, so if it was me, then I would be letting this mediocre man go back to his mummy and stay with her.

ScarlettSunset · 09/12/2024 13:28

He doesn't love you OP. He doesn't even like you. He's just keeping you around because he likes that you pay for everything.

He is not your best friend. He's just someone who knows what you want to hear and so he pretends because it benefits him.

You deserve more. Your children deserve more.

There is nothing you can do except pick up your dignity and send him back to his mummy and daddy so he's their problem, not yours.

Onceachunkymonkey · 09/12/2024 13:28

That’s awful, that’s not venting, he’s deliberately going out his way to ensure they hate you. I’d assume he’s laying grounds for a divorce and it’s evidence, now you know why they behave as they do,

im afraid I’d end it op. There is no way back. Evenif he admits to them he lied, they will think you made him do it.

what an awful person he is.

Heronwatcher · 09/12/2024 13:29

He’s a nasty lying narcissist. He’s not doing this to vent, he’s intent on driving a wedge between his family and you. Plus he gets sympathy from his mummy in the meantime. I suspect he wants to make sure the kids grow up as “insiders” on the farm and when they are old enough he/ his family will start turning them against you too. End result they continue the farming dynasty, to their cost, you end up out on your ear, hundreds of thousands of pounds down. He’s just “playing nice” with you in the meantime.

I’ve read your other threads too- didn’t you sell your house and end up having to plough the money into the farm? And you now live in a tied cottage or something? This is not going to get better if you don’t act.

Get tough. Leave him. Go to your parents. Make it clear that he’s broken your trust and betrayed you. If he really wants to change he has to prove it, get counselling, work out a way to work which means he contributes to the running of your household and make it clear to his family that it was all bollocks. Oh and you are never going to live on the farm again.

He won’t do this- he’d rather lose you and the kids than the farm- but if you cut your losses now the kids are young enough to not be badly affected and you won’t have to waste any more time/ money on him.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 09/12/2024 13:30

ScarlettSunset · 09/12/2024 13:28

He doesn't love you OP. He doesn't even like you. He's just keeping you around because he likes that you pay for everything.

He is not your best friend. He's just someone who knows what you want to hear and so he pretends because it benefits him.

You deserve more. Your children deserve more.

There is nothing you can do except pick up your dignity and send him back to his mummy and daddy so he's their problem, not yours.

Yes, this. 100 per cent.

As on every other thread you've posted, you know you should leave. He has totally betrayed you. He's not loving when you are together, he's PRETENDING. To keep you funding everything.

Fraaahnces · 09/12/2024 13:30

I’d be sending him home to mummy. He seems to need her approval so much he’s making shit up. Until he can willingly demonstrate that he has told her the truth - and can establish boundaries that you can live with, this isn’t going to work, is it? You’re having an affair with HER true love.

Brefugee · 09/12/2024 13:32

get rid. Move a long way away.