Husband insulting me to MIL

[Helpinghand1234]

Honest opinions please?

I (40f) am married to DH (41m) I’ve always had a tricky but civil relationship with in-laws. They’re overbearing and emeshed (farming family so everyone but them is an outsider)

Things got trickier when we married, then much much trickier when I had DS 15months ago. I’ve basically felt like a surrogate. MIL complains DS is a mummy’s boy, I shouldn’t have breast fed as no one else could feed him, DS doesn’t want to know her when I’m there, she’s not good enough when I’m around etc. If I complain to DH he says I’m stirring up trouble, imagining it or that’s just how she is. He works long hours keeping their farm afloat and has very little time at home in the evenings. When he does come home, at some point mil or fil will phone to see what DH had for dinner etc and ask how DS is. All of his money goes on keeping the farm afloat and my wages pay all our bills (I owned the home mortgage free before we married) When I complained to DH they were intruding on the little family time we had in the evenings the calls became less but constant messages to his phone, but I thought we had created some kind of boundary.

Im now 15 weeks pregnant with DC2. MIL and SIL had a very cold reaction when we told them, and it’s been niggling at me. DH has a way of making me feel like I’m imagining things, but this time I just
couldn’t convince myself that I was imagining it.

I know I’m totally in the wrong here and accept that fully, but this morning around 5am I couldn’t sleep and things were just going around and around my head. DH hadn’t put his phone to charge on his bedside table and it was on the middle of the bed. I unlocked it and started reading messages between him and MIL. I now know why she dislikes me so much. DH has called me lazy, told her there no dinner ready for him when he gets home, he’s had to do all the laundry as Id been lazy all day, I’ve had takeaway but there’s nothing for him, I’m angry and unpleasant/or I’m in a reasonable mood that night, he’s had to clean up my mess as the house was a tip, that I took my son without a coat and hat in the cold weather until he stopped me. He’s told her DS is saying Gran a lot which I’m not pleased about (DS says 3 words and gran isn’t even one of them). Every single thing is a lie.
In all the time we’ve been married I can count on one hand the times he’s come home with no meal ready, and that will be because I’ve just arrived home myself or I’m ill etc. I do all of the laundry (he wouldn’t know how to turn washing machine on) do all the housework (I doubt he knows where the hoover is) and have never taken DS out without either a sunhat or cold weather hat. He says he’s had too cook dinner, put DS to bed and is now cleaning my mess as I’m in bed. (I go to bed the same time as DS as he sleeps for around 3 hours and it’s the longest stretch of sleep I get- he’s then awake every hour/two hours to feed). MIL’s responses are “isn’t she lazy, she must have been in bed all day, she needs a good shake, don’t worry DS will grow soon so you won’t have to stay etc.” When he told her my DM was here, he called her “the old woman” and she responded “is she there to brag about how much money she has?” (My parents are fairly wealthy but not in an ostentatious way- they own property but drive a 15 year old car) She has also repeatedly told DH I’m angry and awful to be around as they’re not good enough for me. Everything he’s told her is a lie, but it’s like he wants to play little boy victim to his mother.

What on earth do I do? I confronted DH this morning- his response was he needed to vent somewhere, which is fair enough, but he wasn’t venting, he was lying and speaking about me in a very hostile and unpleasant way and actively lying. We argued recently as he took DS to mil with no car seat (10 minute journey) and they both had a moan about how I was still stomping my feet about it and being my usual unpleasant self.

What’s most confusing is to my face he’s lovely, we have the odd argument here and there but overall I thought we were happy, he constantly tells me how much he loves me, how happy he is etc but all the while messaging his mother how awful I am. We had a lovely day yesterday buying a Xmas tree and decorating etc and now I feel like my family is destroyed.

Ive spoken to my best friend and DB this morning- they both advised time to cool off before speaking to him to find out why he’s done this. I already know what he’ll say- he can’t get away from her etc, and really it doesn’t matter- how can I ever trust him again? This is the person who is supposed to be my biggest cheerleader but is actively assassinating my character to his mother. I suppose I want some reassurance I’m not overreacting? Is it enough to call it quits? I don’t want DS and DC2 to come from a broken home and I feel so ashamed and embarrassed to be in this situation- all the signs were there that they have an unhealthy relationship but I honestly never thought he would speak about me with such contempt. And worst of all I really do love him- he’s my best friend and when we have time just the 3 of us it’s wonderful. I know he can never go NC with in-laws as without him they’d be destitute, but I’m heartbroken about the situation.

WWYD?

He's struggled with you being quiet & distant since DS was born - poor bugger my heart bleeds for him - and the rest of the trash he's spouting to his mummy & anyone else about you says what about him? The little boy who is the centre of your world deserves your love and attention more than any of the numbskulls around you - he's the only needy person in your life and deserves so much more than a daddy who slags you off for being a good mum & all the while is running back to his mummy telling lies about you. What an absolute sadsack!

Counselling for yourself is a good idea - you're the injured party here and he's put you in a real mess emotionally. You need to protect yourself and don't let him manipulate you any further, stay as strong as you can xx

The fact he's had to delete SO many message threads tells its own tale. I'm so sorry @Helpinghand1234 - this wasn't a one off moan, this is clearly systematically slagging you off to a range of people.

You are certainly not overreacting - his behaviour is really, really bad and he has let you and your little one down in the worse possible way.
He’s obviously also done this with other people and not just your MIL - the level of disrespect (almost hatred?) for you is horrific and a massive red flag.
I honestly don’t know how you can carry on in such a relationship I know I couldn’t but then that’s easy for me to say isn’t it?
You are worth so much more than this, choose carefully and don’t be gaslit into thinking any of it is your fault.

In my opinion too it’s worse than an affair - and I don’t say that lightly. I have to say OP it’s actually one of the worse things I’ve read on Mumsnet. Know your worth, keep strong and ask yourself do you want your son to grow up in an environment like this?

I also agree .

I do worry if OP stays he and his family will turn the children against her (it happens )!

I think OP’s husband isn’t happy with who he married and is hanging out for the children to be old enough

In fact all this resonates with me more than I realised but I'm 15 years further on than you - so in retrospect - maybe that's why xDH told me his mum had asked for a key to the house 🚩, when I asked what the purpose of that bright idea was he said "so that she can let herself in to come and clean/tidy up" 🚩 I told him to fuck right off and that I couldn't think of anything more intrusive. I'd had a child not a lifechanging road accident ffs. It just got worse - he obviously didn't like being second best to a child either! He probably told her all the same shit about me being lazy. I just wanted a husband, not a 40+ year old little boy still latched onto his mother's breast. Nightmare. He's still the same 20 years later.

He’s deleted the entire message thread as well as with his sister, best friend and some other people

He might not have told those people - you could send them all a message that you have read the the conversations about you, did they really think that was true, is this what they think of you? They might confess what else your dear husband has made up.

I don’t think I could get past that and continue with the relationship. What he has done in those texts is a terrible betrayal. For me the reasons he said those things wouldn’t matter. I’m so sorry you are going through this 💐

The deletion of all those threads shows he has a massively guilty conscience. And of course he DARVO’d you by denying he gad dine anything wrong and reversing victim and offender and blaming you for his actions.

I usually like to see both sides but honestly this is just a shameful level of behavior towards you. He is a horrible liar, manipulative, has smeared your good name to his entire social circle, and has exploited you for housing, money, sex, and fertility without the slightest shame ir compunction. If you want to get rid of him—and you should—insult him and tell him he is an improvident disgrace to fatherhood and as a husband. Hopefully he will slink back to his mother. Sell up and leave. Let him find another cash cow.

It's not normal behaviour. It isn't appropriate to vent to someone who has a relationship to both parties. He owes you honest communication about issues and emotions or else the relationship is dead in the water.

It will damage you and any family you try to create with him if you allow it to blow over.

Ask him how he proposes to resolve the trust issues. He broke it, he can do the work to fix it.

Listen to him. If you think it works give it a go. If it doesnt feel good to you find a solicitor.

He needs to explain why he was telling everyone outright lies and he needs to put every single one of them straight. There is no future with him unless he does that. How can you have a future with a man who tells everybody lies about your behaviour just to get their pity and attention.

This will affect your interaction with anyone that he has involved in his lies.

He hasn't just vented to others , he has lied repeatedly, in such a way that they now don't like you. That takes a huge amount to undo and it can't be done by you.

His excuse is preposterous. He needed to “vent" about information he completely fabricated. That's worse than the truth mate.

I'd leave. I actually had tips from my MiL for dealing with DH, she said his dad was the same and this was how she dealt with his behaviour.

But we did have a really good relationship, when she had dementia and was in hospital I'd told the nurse I was her DiL and when the nurse referred to me as such she said she's not my DiL she's my friend. That's how MiLs should be.

how does that thinking even work? 'Oh, so you needed to vent, because you came home, there was no dinner and you had to do laundry? Considering there was dinner and you have never touched the washing machine??"

I suggest you read up on narcissistic personality disorder. He really sounds like he might have it. One of the things they commonly do is slag off their closest partner to others around them, literally anyone and everyone. No idea why but it's about power and control, controlling you by controlling the narrative around you while making you the bad guy. That way they get all the sympathy and basically get to look good in comparison. It's all about their vanity. I have no idea why narcs are like that, but everything is about them, not you. It's pathetic.

Also outright blatant lying is also a sign of a narc. They just don't care as long as no-one else knows what they're really like. Also the fact that he's nice to you sometimes, is basically him love-bombing you for "supply" - to feed their ego and make themselves believe they're nice when they know they're not. They need to believe it, it's part of why they're such crap people. They can be very charming and likable though, to reel people in, but it's all an act. It's hard to understand that someone can actually be this shallow and pathetic unless you experience it yourself...(unfortunately I have!)

Basically |'d suggest run as far as you can while you can. Not helpful as you have a child with him but it's worth finding out more about these people so as to know what's really going on.

What he's done is unforgivable. What's even worse is that you thought the damage was limited to his conversations with his mother-in-law but it seems like he's slagging you off to everyone. You can't possibly continue the relationship now.

It’s one thing venting if there are genuine issues but him making up lie after lie to complain about is just plain odd. You can’t trust him; he’s not got your back; he tells lies. He’s destroyed your relationship as a married couple by slagging you off at length time and time again, so it’s probably time he really did start coming home to find no food made, none of his laundry done and the entire house to clean himself, the pathetic little whinge bag. He’ll certainly get that if you split.

I’d text everyone he vented to explaining that he tells lies so disgraceful and appalling that you are about to divorce him.

Seeet Jesus. Someone can simply just be an asshole without having to jump to diagnosing him with a personality disorder 🙄

Particularly if you're not a psychiatrist.

What advice did your MIL give you?

Mine was an enabler and wouldn't listen to any criticism of her precious son - it's caused so much pain to me and our children, and ultimately his own family because he's been lying to them about me - they don't know that yet. They hate me but they're just starting to find out why our children stay away from their dad. He couldn't give a toss, he's a narcissist.

please don’t let him gaslight you into thinking this is at all acceptable, for him to say he “was just venting” this breaks the primary rules of trust in a relationship. I know my OH would love to vent about me in the pub to his mates and vice versa but we never ever slag each other off. The only person who know more than my F&F is my next door neighbour who heard us argue once and she asked if we were ok and I told her more than anyone, but still not 100%.
his lies, deception and the deletion of evidence tell you everything. This man will never put you on a pedestal, find one who will. They are out there! X

Venting is moaning about things that actually happened. What your H did was tell blatant LIES about you to his closest circle. And he has deleted all of the evidence.

He is playing a long game here. He has been doing this for a while. He has turned his family and friends against you. He’s gotten you to support him while he supports and works for the family farm.

You are definitely not overreacting. In fact I would say you are under reacting if anything.

Please please go to a solicitor. You need to protect yourself and your children financially.

You are in quite a good position in a way as someone pointed out - there could be some bargaining to do as they will be terrified you would have any claim on their precious farm.

Thinking about it all it’s actually quite chilling that he has been doing this systematically for a while.

He told his mumsy that he was leaving you as soon as the DC were old enough, so either he's a craven, pathetic, weakspined liar who threw you under the bus, or he was planning on leaving you anyway. Either way, your marriage is over.

I agree with this. But whether this is true or not as a matter of diagnosis he is also a terribly deceptive and manipulative person.

OP I think its time to take a look at Lundy Bancroft’s Why does he do that? I think there is sn online test you can take that will help you determine whether you are being abused—or rather how certain behaviors are abusing and harming you. This is often hard to recognize because we overvalue the romantic side snd romantic sayings of our partner. We tend to think their bad acts are accidental or not “really” what they want to do. But intentions don’t matter snd egfects do.

He might say he “must” devote himself to the family farm without oay. But intentions effect he is ripping you off and forcing you to subsidize his family while refusing to support you and his own children. The act is abusive—even if he denies the intent to abuse.

I’m going through this at the moment. I know the twat that lives in my house is doing exactly what your cock lodger was doing but he guards his phone with his life. I’m just waiting for an opportunity to get my hands on it then he’s out of here. Do not take his excuses. Phone his mother and tell her exactly what he is then change the locks to YOUR house. I hope you’ve been sensible enough to protect your assets