Husband insulting me to MIL

[Helpinghand1234]

Honest opinions please?

I (40f) am married to DH (41m) I’ve always had a tricky but civil relationship with in-laws. They’re overbearing and emeshed (farming family so everyone but them is an outsider)

Things got trickier when we married, then much much trickier when I had DS 15months ago. I’ve basically felt like a surrogate. MIL complains DS is a mummy’s boy, I shouldn’t have breast fed as no one else could feed him, DS doesn’t want to know her when I’m there, she’s not good enough when I’m around etc. If I complain to DH he says I’m stirring up trouble, imagining it or that’s just how she is. He works long hours keeping their farm afloat and has very little time at home in the evenings. When he does come home, at some point mil or fil will phone to see what DH had for dinner etc and ask how DS is. All of his money goes on keeping the farm afloat and my wages pay all our bills (I owned the home mortgage free before we married) When I complained to DH they were intruding on the little family time we had in the evenings the calls became less but constant messages to his phone, but I thought we had created some kind of boundary.

Im now 15 weeks pregnant with DC2. MIL and SIL had a very cold reaction when we told them, and it’s been niggling at me. DH has a way of making me feel like I’m imagining things, but this time I just
couldn’t convince myself that I was imagining it.

I know I’m totally in the wrong here and accept that fully, but this morning around 5am I couldn’t sleep and things were just going around and around my head. DH hadn’t put his phone to charge on his bedside table and it was on the middle of the bed. I unlocked it and started reading messages between him and MIL. I now know why she dislikes me so much. DH has called me lazy, told her there no dinner ready for him when he gets home, he’s had to do all the laundry as Id been lazy all day, I’ve had takeaway but there’s nothing for him, I’m angry and unpleasant/or I’m in a reasonable mood that night, he’s had to clean up my mess as the house was a tip, that I took my son without a coat and hat in the cold weather until he stopped me. He’s told her DS is saying Gran a lot which I’m not pleased about (DS says 3 words and gran isn’t even one of them). Every single thing is a lie.
In all the time we’ve been married I can count on one hand the times he’s come home with no meal ready, and that will be because I’ve just arrived home myself or I’m ill etc. I do all of the laundry (he wouldn’t know how to turn washing machine on) do all the housework (I doubt he knows where the hoover is) and have never taken DS out without either a sunhat or cold weather hat. He says he’s had too cook dinner, put DS to bed and is now cleaning my mess as I’m in bed. (I go to bed the same time as DS as he sleeps for around 3 hours and it’s the longest stretch of sleep I get- he’s then awake every hour/two hours to feed). MIL’s responses are “isn’t she lazy, she must have been in bed all day, she needs a good shake, don’t worry DS will grow soon so you won’t have to stay etc.” When he told her my DM was here, he called her “the old woman” and she responded “is she there to brag about how much money she has?” (My parents are fairly wealthy but not in an ostentatious way- they own property but drive a 15 year old car) She has also repeatedly told DH I’m angry and awful to be around as they’re not good enough for me. Everything he’s told her is a lie, but it’s like he wants to play little boy victim to his mother.

What on earth do I do? I confronted DH this morning- his response was he needed to vent somewhere, which is fair enough, but he wasn’t venting, he was lying and speaking about me in a very hostile and unpleasant way and actively lying. We argued recently as he took DS to mil with no car seat (10 minute journey) and they both had a moan about how I was still stomping my feet about it and being my usual unpleasant self.

What’s most confusing is to my face he’s lovely, we have the odd argument here and there but overall I thought we were happy, he constantly tells me how much he loves me, how happy he is etc but all the while messaging his mother how awful I am. We had a lovely day yesterday buying a Xmas tree and decorating etc and now I feel like my family is destroyed.

Ive spoken to my best friend and DB this morning- they both advised time to cool off before speaking to him to find out why he’s done this. I already know what he’ll say- he can’t get away from her etc, and really it doesn’t matter- how can I ever trust him again? This is the person who is supposed to be my biggest cheerleader but is actively assassinating my character to his mother. I suppose I want some reassurance I’m not overreacting? Is it enough to call it quits? I don’t want DS and DC2 to come from a broken home and I feel so ashamed and embarrassed to be in this situation- all the signs were there that they have an unhealthy relationship but I honestly never thought he would speak about me with such contempt. And worst of all I really do love him- he’s my best friend and when we have time just the 3 of us it’s wonderful. I know he can never go NC with in-laws as without him they’d be destitute, but I’m heartbroken about the situation.

WWYD?

Run as fast as you can and as far as possible.

This family are sick and toxic.
And they will turn your children against you too.
I doubt you can save your relationship with husband and mil, but at least save your one with the kids

That isn't venting. Venting about something is when you complain to a neutral third party about something rather than bringing it up, because it's minor or because it's not going to change (eg a depressed spouse, and you can't really moan at them for being depressed as it won't help, so you let off steam about it to a random third party).

I can think of a couple of times I've vented to my friends about my husband, things like how it's difficult when he works away. Not assassinating his character. If he has to vent to someone regularly about how awful a wife and mother you are, then he probably shouldn't be married to you.

I'm sorry OP I think this will be very hard to come back from. Because it's clearly due to his upbringing, his family dynamics and his relationship with his mother, none of which are quick or easy to unpick...he probably doesn't even understand or will be able to explain why he's done this, not without a huge desire to pick his childhood apart with a therapist

His minimisation of it would really hurt me as well. Lying and slagging you off frequently to someone who agrees with him, is not a marriage

Wow, this is the highest level of betrayal. You need to get out of this ‘relationship’ and be thankful he gave you such a great reason to leave because his entire family is toxic and horrible. Run.

Look unless your oh is prepared to undergo extensive counselling to deal with the enmeshment AND his lying AND he tells his family he made all that stuff up AND does significant grovelling to you AND realises he's broken all trust AND realises it will take a long time to fix everything then this marriage hasn't got a hope in hells chance of surviving.

Also agree if he thinks it's acceptable to do this with his mum about you, he won't hesitate to do this with or in front of your kids with his family when they're older

They've decided you're an outsider.
And that's how they are going to keep you, even with your kids, who they will try and take over.
He's very two faced, you're assuming you're seeing the "real" him, how do you know that the d*ck in the text messages is not the "real" him and you're getting a fake version?

The first sentence here nails it - you love him but despite what he may say, he doesn't love you. He's being contemptuous about you to his mother, he's lying to make things even worse. Those are not the actions of someone who loves you.

I read your previous thread too @Helpinghand1234

You’re his meal ticket. He’s lovely to your face, stabs you in the back.

That’s not a man I could trust.
He’s not who he has pretended to be. You’re seeing the real man now.

you ask WWYD

I would keep my cards very close to my chest. Not have any arguments with him and certainly not tell him I was thinking of leaving.

Then at the first opportunity, when he’s going to be out all day, I would put my son in the car and go to my parents for Christmas. I would take any important documents with me. I would tell my parents everything and get some rest and support for myself.

While I was there I would consider my options for the future, get legal advice and I absolutely wouldn’t engage with this miserable two faced bastard in any way whatsoever.

I would also let him take me to court for contact with the child, particularly because there’s proof he is lax with safety and he is a pathological liar.

That’s what I would do.
best wishes to you in whatever choices you make xx

He's not your best friend. He's a compulsive liar, and beyond disloyal.

I would never be able to trust him again. Not in anything, because if he lies that easily and that hurtfully, he doesn't have an ounce of integrity. If you stay with him you will never ever be at peace or be able to believe anything he says.

Thank goodness the house is yours. Throw him out of it and send him home to his mother.

Well. She's a right one to be talking about mummy's boys isn't she? When her own makes up lies to please her.

First off .he is not your best friend .
While reading your post all i could think of was “you are sleeping with the enemy”

This is never going to change you should plan to leave with your family support don’t tell
him or his family what your doing untill
you are sorted .

I am sure you have posted about this befroe . Except now you have went on to be pregnant with your second.

You deserve better they will turn the kids against you OP

Send him home OP.
This isn’t normal behaviour.

The family, and him, will never change and I say that as a farmer’s wife.

Check out any of the Facebook farming wives groups and you’ll see this scenario repeating up and down the land. And it doesn’t ever change.

Ingrained. Be glad the house is yours - I hope it’s still only in your name too.

My MIL tells everyone I’m controlling because I’m in control of our household. DH isn’t capable, as in organisational terms he thinks of the farm and the business he runs as part of the farm first, before stuff like how the kids get to school.

I have very clear boundaries to keep our family separate and that does take its toll.

We’ve been together a long time and have a hoard of kids, been through a lot but I’ll always be the outsider, I’m tolerated but not accepted as family. My SIL would say the same. The wider communities are often the same.

If DH crossed the line, the way yours has, from the car seat to the lies, he’d be going back home to his mothers, who I have no doubt would welcome him with open arms and be delighted I was out of the picture - just as she would be if his brothers were kicked out by their partners.
She’d crow with victory!

He's a shit, but don't do anything without getting professional advice, i fear that although the house was yours before marriage you may have blurred the lines by making it the marital home and divorce always starts at 50/50.

Know your rights before you make a decision that could cause future issues.

Sometimes careful planning is needed (wages to a different account, closing joint accounts and restricting access to others, changing passwords).

MIL’s responses are “isn’t she lazy, she must have been in bed all day, she needs a good shake, don’t worry DS will grow soon so you won’t have to stay etc.”

He's clearly discussed divorce with her and that’s why she’s unhappy about the baby - she clearly thinks when the children are older he’ll be leaving and another baby slows that down.
Act before he does, see a solicitor and protect your interests!
Start afresh, there’s really no way back in my opinion sorry

Thank you for the responses. I know you’re all right, the relationship is over, I can’t ever trust him again, and the more I re read the messages (I took pics on my phone) the more furious I’m becoming, how dare they speak about me in the way they do. I’m just going to take some time to digest everything and figure out what the new future looks like. I’m furious and heartbroken, but I’ll be damned if my children get pulled into this mess, so the sooner I get away the better, it’s just hard letting go of the future I had imagined as a family.

OP, didn't you post about the car seat a while ago?
Honestly, it sounds like a mess. You need him on your side or you're on a road to nowhere.
I'd be gone, he's too enmeshed and unless he wakes up, sees it, joins your family it's not going to improve

Kick him out. It's your house.
He's not venting. He's lying to make you look bad and when you complain about the bullying, he gaslights you.
Don't stick around for it to get worse.

You keep posting about your situation. Every time you are told to leave him. Nothing changes. What do you want from this post?

Does he have any history of psychosis/paranoia where he may believe these things are true?
I can't see any other reason? It's just obscure to make things up when there's no issues, I could understand if you weren't getting along and he was trying to vent but didn't know how to explain the actual issues, but it doesn't sound like that's the case?

Good luck! You and your children deserve much better than the current situation.

It's more likely that he is just a lying, disloyal cunt.

This is awful to read. People are, in my opinion, generally too quick to suggest divorce on Mumsnet but he has betrayed you and quite clearly chosen his mother and extended family over you. I can’t see another option really.

Fucking hell, that would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I'd never trust him again.

It's not venting - it's lying. Actively running you down behind your back, whilst being as nice as pie to your face.

Leg it to the nearest divorce solicitor and tell him to pack his bags and fuck off back to Mummy.

Looking at the other threads, the op is in a very bad and abusive marriage, and she knows this, he lies, gaslights, uses her for money, sex, childcare . I dint understand her saying she loves him and he’s her best friend, except I know a lot of abused women do this.

he isn’t psychotic or paranoid. He’s just your common or garden arsehole.