I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

Your mother also had to choice to sit you down, explain the circumstances to you and ask you kindly not to tell her husband, while supporting you to meet your biological father, if you wished and to shower you with love and sense of belonging to your family. To keep you feeling close and safe, on her side while demonstrating that none of this is your fault, that she loves you dearly and that maybe she regrets that she felt obliged to keep this a secret and continues to do that. You may have distanced yourself from her, but she would not have created a false narrative as to why that had happened.... she did not make that choice.

What?! The OP has a right to claim her own narrative and find out the truth about her parentage. When someone elses secret is about you and has a huge impact on your identity, it is not just theirs to keep.

OP, I went through something similar and i talked it through with my therapist who helped me find the right way and words to move forward. This involved telling my family that my (also a narc) DM had had an affair and i didnt share a father with my Dsis’s. My DF had died at this point so less complex than your situation, but as you’ve mentioned therapy, I think you should seek guidance there.

She is a liar. She will have lied to your dad about why he wasn't on your birth certificate originally.

It would also be much kinder to OP for her to pass it off as an affair rather than being the product of rape. A good mother would have sought advice and then provided support when admitting to being raped. It’s a knee jerk reaction that tends to suggest she is covering up.
Why would you rush into telling your child such a mind blowing revelation? Much kinder to admit to an affair. I’m certain that her biological F would not have contacted her if it was a one night stand/rape. You would remember a two month relationship where you were dumped when your partner decided to marry your rival. As I said before this was the 80s not the 50s.

And this is proof that women can be equally as vile as men. I would never ever automatically believe a woman over a man.

Your dm is lying, she was abusive and just awful. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

The exploding and telling lies when she’s pulled up on behaviour shrieks of narcissistic personality to me. I have a similar mother and sister.

The identity of her father is HER business, not just her mother's.

Also, you'd really 'suck it up' if you found this out in this way?

I hope you're just trolling, because if you really think like this you're seriously fucked up.

Can you talk to your godfather about this man or some other people who know him and see if they are totally normal or whether there are other things off with him. Particularly how he treats women

You poor thing - you have every right to feel very hurt and very angry! You are being gaslit by an extremely narcissistic woman and a weak family of enablers! Definitely read/share on the famous and wonderful Stately Homes thread here. Dealing with a toxic family is no fun and support from those who "get it" can be immensely helpful.
BTW You mention a sister. Are you close to her or has she joined in the family cult and misdirected blame game?

Of course it wasn't the mother's secret to keep! The OP had every right to know who her real father was! Do you think people have the right to lie to their child about being adopted, or being conceived by sperm/egg donor?

Ancestry tests are not destructive, they're just a form of technology - nothing more, nothing less. Lying about your child's parentage is the destructive part. A DNA test can't rip apart a family unless someone's done something wrong.

@WhoIsBetty do you not this is a distraction to try and avoid having to tell everyone the truth? Maybe she was raped and doesn't want to live through it all again by explaining to everyone what happened. So doing everything she can to avoid going there.

What a horrible situation.

Perhaps she really thought you were your Dad's?

I don't understand why she has turned others against you & why they believe her?

DM wasn’t raped, was she - rapists don’t normally answer emails about fathering a child. We know she’s a liar from the other stuff.

OP, I’m so sorry.

I think she’s lying. If that man had sexually assaulted someone, he’s unlikely to have his DNA on ancestry.com nor would he contact a potential child. I could be wrong but usually attackers do their best to keep under the radar. She’s been caught out - she’s using the worst imaginable explanation to keep your silence.

tell the lot of them, and get as much proof from your biological father as you can. By the sounds of it, you’ve got nothing to lose.

best of luck OP x

OP I believe your Bio father’s version of events and would want to at least meet him.

I would invite your Dad to meet you, ask him to put a stop to the nonsense, lies from your Mum, if he doesn’t then just give him the facts. He hasn’t got your back.

Also get a proper DNA test with your Bio Dad

I think you've got to tell your Dad. You've got nothing to lose at this point really.

Rapists don't normally put themselves forward for DNA testing. The mother wasn't raped, she has a history of extreme manipulation and lies.

Sorry you are going through this x

Non Biological Father is an enabler also, and while mother is controlling telephone calls, she will also be building a story against you. She is prepared to ostracise you to protect her narrative. Brother is brainwashed by her.

I wonder what the other sister is like? Surely the other siblings can see a pattern in the mother's behaviour.

It wouldn't it was completely normal for unmarried people to give the baby the mums last second name.

Sorry this is happening to you OP but yor dad sounds shit too.

My first instinct reading this is that your mother is a liar, get to know your biological Dad, and tell him her version, see what he has to say, sounds like you have nothing to lose.

This.

Come on OP. Look at your general relationship and history with her. Dig deep and I think it's obvious who is telling the truth.

*could

Are you serious?

I agree. You should have left well alone I instead of throwing this grenade into the middle of the family after all these years. Did you not realise the trouble it would cause awakening all these ghosts from the past. Too late now.

I swear, MN is the only place - IRL or online - where I hear people being judged for taking a DNA test to learn more about their heritage. I don't know anywhere else where people are expected to think, "Wait, an Ancestry test might expose my mum as a slapper, better not get one..."