I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

This. I would just factually inform the rest of the family and also believe the biological father's account. I'm sorry your mum is so horrid with you.

As per usual, so many people wading in to spout about Ancestry DNA tests who have never taken one and don't know how they work. Or how registering births works.

OP has every right to do a DNA test on herself, or on her children. There is always the risk that by doing a test you come up with results which are unexpected. OP has discovered that her father is not who she thought it was and is getting two conflicting stories. That is not the fault of the DNA test! That is the fault of the people involved wanting to keep secrets.

If OP's mother was unmarried at the time of her birth - which she says she was - then her future husband would have gone with her to register the birth and be named as the father. There are all manner of reasons why he wouldn't have gone, he might have been out of the country, or couldn't get out of work. It certainly does not definitely imply he definitely knew the baby was not his. He might have known, he might not have known. It is also very common to "legitimise" a birth if parents later marry.

I would advise taking some time and letting the dust settle OP, there are many different points of view here and if your mother doesn't want to talk she's not going to. Take your time getting to know your new bilogical family and remember this is just as much a shock to your biological father, his family, and your mother and father as it is to you, it's a lot to process.

In that case, please don’t challenge your mother to retrospectively report a rape if you feel it didn’t happen. It would blow up your bio father’s life, and I wouldn’t trust your mother not to make a false accusation in the hope of letting her off the hook with your father. Police can and do make false accusations (and my father was in the police). Obviously if you believed her, then that’s a different matter.

In your shoes, I’d let the relationship with your mother go. She sounds awful, to be frank. Quietly investigate the possibility of a new relationship with your bio father, if that’s what he and you would like. Talk to your siblings in the meantime; let them know the truth. Talk to your godfather; he might be able to shed light on this, or share his recollections from that time of your bio father. Finally, he might be able to talk to your father, if you want him, to know. Tbh, he’s not got your back, so I’d be writing him off too.

They don't - they just state the cM match and the probable relationship. But when it's a very close relationship like father/grandfather there is less ambiguity.

Don't let your Mother make you out to be the bad person in all of this, tell them everything.

Your relationship with your Mum is fucked anyway so clear your name.

What a nasty, nasty response. How is ANY of this OP's fault? Her mother is the one who has caused ALL the trouble and lied to OP for her entire life. How dare you put this on her.

If you already have a poor relationship with your family, announcing this news on WhatsApp to get revenge might result in you being completely ostracised.

He may have assaulted her. Men who assault women don’t perceive their behaviour as an assault. It wasn’t uncommon then and it certainly isn’t uncommon now. The fact she worked within the police might have meant it was harder to report, not easier. Attitudes to victims of sexual assault were not great and your mum would have known that. There might also have been repercussions for having relationships with colleagues.

I would see if your mum would come to counselling with you. Your brothers wedding seems to have triggered something.

Whatever the circumstances leading to the birth of the OP, it's the fact that her mother is being untruthful that is causing issues. Had the mother been honest from the word go, both with her husband and with the OP then this situation would not have arisen.

True re attacks can happen in consensual relationships but having two consensual relationships at once is cheating, since it’s clear your mum isn’t openly polygamous.

I think you need to work out what you want from this. Your mother sounds awful but it’s likely that the rest of the family are going to take her side even if you do tell them. Plus she will be able to paint you as vindictive/ a liar/ etc.

If you want to tell them then that’s your prerogative but don’t expect anything to change.

I think I’d be doing what I can to distance myself from the situation and focussing on my own kids/ partner TBH. I get why people are suggesting you might want to meet the man, but won’t this lead to you becoming even more involved in your mother’s nonsense?

This is how I would do it - the post that @Whyherewego wrote and that @Patterncarmen described perfectly as the American "Come To Jesus" moment.

She has had years to set the record straight. She hasn't.
Anytime something untoward happens, she flies off the handle, sobs, lies...this is not a woman that can be trusted with the truth. Also, why would a man so wholly unconnected with your family (up to this point) be the one lying about a situation? Up to the point that you submitted the DNA test to the ancestry company, you weren't aware of him and he wasn't aware of you either. He has no beef with you.

“You are blowing up the whole family by announcing this”

It’s OP’s mum who blew her family up when she chose to have an affair, get pregnant and lie about it, not OP.

It was licensed in the UK in 1984

It’s OP’s mum who blew her family up when she chose to have an affair, get pregnant and lie about it, not OP.

More than that she has lied and smeared the OP to the point of alienation from her siblings.

This is awful I would meet this mystery man somewhere like a coffee shop and hear his side

Oh no what a dilemma! From your story I am not sure which one to believe. But it definitely can not be continued to be ignored. I would definitely ask to speak with your mother alone and explain what you have been told, it's going to be hard to do as you are understandably really angry about the way she has treated you so she will just keep on the defence. Needs approaching in a calm and understanding way otherwise I don't think she will ever give you the truth. Hope you get the answers you need Xx

Fellow survivor of a narcissistic mother here. You are right that rational and relational approaches won’t help.

I am so sorry that you are being scapegoated here. It isn’t fair.

I think in your shoes I would meet my biological dad out of curiosity. From the info you have given I believe him but pick a public space just in case.

I guess you have two choices but either way the outcome isn’t good for you.

You are open and honest and tell your family what you have discovered. She will rage. She will call upon her flying monkeys to rage at you too. You will be scapegoated and remain ostracised. There is a small tiny chance some family members will see it and hear you and stick with you but it’s a small chance. Is there any family member you trust to be sensible and listen as a starting point?

You bury it back under the carpet and maintain some contact in some way but remain on the outside because her self protection will ALWAYS trump your emotional needs. The massive lump under the carpet will trip you up and make you feel uncomfortable. You’ll never be able to be your authentic self.

Neither are great. At no point is she going to hold her hands up and apologise. If she is narcissistic she just won’t.

Im really sorry but I don’t think your family of origin is good for you. I think you should go very low to no contact. You might feel like sharing the information first but you will get a back lash - you need to ask yourself if it’s worth it for the truth to out - may be quietly talk to the more wholesome and healthy family members first if there are any.

Ignore the posters saying it’s her secret to keep. No. It’s yours. It’s your lineage. It’s your decision. Any comeback in her is her own doing and it was her decision alone to lie. You didn’t create the situation and it’s not your responsibility to protect her. She didn’t protect you.

You deserved better. You deserve better. You matter too and you should put your needs in all of this first.

She can’t talk to her mother alone. Her mother is narcissistic. That is not good advice here.

Wow.. what a shock.. and what an insight into your mother's mind.

You are in a terrible situation.. I am sorry.

Would you consider approaching your mother and asking her to stop spreading lies about you and to allow you to heal the rift with your family, especially your siblings. They will be there after your mother and father pass away.

You could offer, not to tell your Dad.. but she will not trust that... and may indeed prefer that you are kept well away from the family, because the reality is, that you will find it difficult to sit and listen to the lies she has told about why she is not speaking to you. You will also find it difficult, not to ask for answers.

While it is possible that she was raped, it seems more likely that she was having an affair with a colleague. It was not uncommon for women to lie about pregnancies when abortion was not as socially acceptable or accessible as it is today.

The morning after pill was licensed for use in the UK in 1984 but there was a lot of pro life and religious objection, fear of 'back street abortions', fear of judgement and shame from your GP who knew everyone. It was not until 2007, that is was available over the counter. It is possible, that she did use the morning after pill and that because of the timing, that it failed.

What is clear, is that she has lied to her husband and to you, for the whole of your life and she continues to lie to your family about you.

Do you have a trusted aunt, cousin, sibling, that you can talk to? I suspect her husband knew / knows... and I suspect other people around her / family have an inkling of the truth. Do you look like your siblings?

Your Mum would have to be controlled at work, right? And this is where the godfather also works? Maybe arrange a meeting between mum, dad, godfather and other man? Bring letter and dna.

Do you think she is a narcissist? or just unhinged, panicking that her lies are catching up with her. But yes might be best to take a 3rd party with her, friend or partner.

People frequently find out when they have a simple blood test for blood group, this was happening way before DNA tests were available. Also, if you are diagnosed with a genetic disease such as cystic fibrosis or Huntington’s chorea without any historic cases in the family that would arouse suspicion.

There are plenty of ways that lead to discovery, simple dates often come to light when people slip up. My MIL is very secretive about stuff so when her and late step- FIL told us they had celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary during a trip away it didn’t take much calculating to realise MIL was already pregnant with BIL. This was actually her second shot gun wedding, she was pregnant when she married DH’s father. She is extremely judgemental about illegitimacy so it was all the more funny when we worked it out.

Physical differences are not always that obvious. Mt DS and my Dniece were often mistaken for twins when they were younger. I remember someone commenting that it was unusual for girl/boy twins to look so much alike. My DSis look very alike though so our family genes are very strongly expressed in our DC.

If it hadn’t come out now there is every chance it would have come out in the future. You would only have needed someone in the family needing a transplant match and it would have come out.

She may indeed have been the victim of a horrific assault... but why is she reaching by making up bizarre lies about OP?

It's not even like she's making things up that could be helpful in a desire to cover up her having been assaulted. Random lies about OP borrowing money and not repaying it are nothing more than an attempt to smear and scapegoat OP.

Fucking mental reply.

Rubbish! It’s OP’s birthright to know who her biological father is and if there are any genetically related medical issues she needs to be aware of, at the very least.

Her mum should have told her the truth years ago, not lied and tried to blame the OP for making such a shocking discovery.

Also, the MAP wasn’t easy to get hold of in the 80’s unless you lived in a city or somewhere very cosmopolitan.