I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

No. I don’t believe that but we can’t know for sure. But what we do know is that this mother has form for lying, firm for creating division, putting her own needs above those of the children she chose to have. If she was raped I don’t believe the bio father would be so ready to come forward. I think she could have calmly talked to her daughter, sensitively explained and asked for what she needed.

I would usually err on the side of believing a woman in a rape accusation but in this case the circumstances, for me, add up to her being narcissistic and all about self preservation and manipulation.

But none of us can know for sure and this is the OPs information to do as she pleases. As a mother myself, if this was me in her mums shoes, I would put my big girl pants on and put my daughter front and centre at a time when she has had this bombshell. I would be in tears if guilt for having kept it from her, not tears of woe is me my secret might come out. I certainly wouldn’t make up lies about her regardless of a traumatic sexual assault. My responsibility as a mother trumps all.

Are you getting any sort of professional support? This is a huge thing to be dealing with, made harder by the fact you're getting 2 stories and the truth could be either of them or somewhere down the middle (as you say, sexual violence can happen in consensual relationships).
I would probably be honest with your other family members (not making a huge drama, just explaining that it's been upsetting to find out you have a different biological dad and your mum's response hasn't been great, but he clearly that you're keen to maintain a good relationship with everyone if that's true), and also meet with your biological father and tell him what your mum said. But you need to make your own decision on what's best for you to do which will depend on your own feelings and your relationship with everyone involved.

Might it be feasible to talk to your Dad alone (i.e the one that brought you up). There are no winners here but it is your Dad and you that are the victims if she is lying.

I know my Dad would still be my Dad even if he turned out not to be biologically related.

Tough situation, really tough.

I think it was an affair not rape.

you shouldn’t lose your extended family because of her lies. Please stand up for yourself.

also go meet your bio dad :)

I wouldn't let your mother evict you from the family without putting up a fight. Most of us are parents, and most of us probably wouldn't get one of our children ostracised from all their family simply to cover up our own mistakes or regrets. What kind of person does that? The answer is that a narcissist does that.

I'd suggest taking an evidence-based approach and considering which of your relatives are most likely to be receptive to this. Then, either in person or in a written format, present the facts. You did the ancestry test for your children as entertainment, and it has come back (twice) with this man as your biological father (you have written evidence of this). Your mother has given her account of what happened, and you have a different account from the man. Shortly after this, your mother has been putting pressure on you not to tell, and she has now been saying things about you that aren't true (you can show your evidence that these things aren't true), which has led to you being isolated from the family. While you appreciate that this is a sensitive thing for you, her and your dad, you are now being falsely accused of things and have a right to defend yourself. You don't want to create more drama, but you don't deserve to have people believing lies about you and rejecting you at a time when you would really benefit from some family support.

Your mother is defaming you by concocting the debt story. If she is lying about the raoe she is defaming your biological father also. Perhaps she needs to realise that defamation is illegal.

Suggest you need counselling and she also needs counselling. Separately, as the Mother is abusive.

This. If I were you I would seriously consider going NC with your Mother and family. I know how awful it is to be lied about and ostracized from your family ( happened to me, but under different circumstances to you). However, you have to think about yourself and your DC and what's best for you all. You will probably get nowhere with your family.

I agree with this. I've heard many stories similar to this and people continue to be irresponsible enough to do these tests. I hope people read this as a cautionary tale. I for one don't believe it's ok to mess up a family because of one person's need to seek the truth. I know a family secret and I intend to keep it, as a matter of respect for those involved.

@Buttonsmum67 your Mum is acting awfully. She is so terrified of the knowledge you possess that she is prepared to cut you off. Telling anyone else would be the nail in the coffin. I dont think you should tell anyone but I do think you need to resolve things with your brother and other family members. You don't need to tell them why you fell out with DM.

As for the circumstances of your conception, does it really matter? If you are the product of rape or passion, you are still YOU. You were loved and wanted and cherished and that is all that matters.

This has been my experience too with family members.

I outed my mother about her promiscuous and neglectful parenting after years and years of her lies/manipulations and her dragging up one of her old boyfriends to cheat on my stepfather with. It was the final straw for me. She denied everything.

And guess what? They all sided with her including my brother who dropped me like a hot potato. This is despite them all knowing about her behaviour (and enabling it) and unspoken paternity issues regarding my youngest sister.

Be prepared for a permanent outing from your family @Buttonsmum67 despite the evidence. Dysfunctional families are fragile and all members are insecure in one way or another.

I'm NC with all of them, painful at the time but oh my God so worth it. My golden child brother has recently seen the light and trying to reconnect because he's out in the cold now. No thanks.

Yes it was. I lived in a medium sized town and could get it in 1986 or maybe 1987 from the family planning clinic. It was a faff and the wait took ages but you just went down there during opening hours, usually saw 2 people and the first must have been some sort of triage then waited to see the nurse to have your drugs administered and a big telling off if I recall.

She has basically made false rape allegations. What a nasty, manipulative person.

Defamation - there is no excuse for the depth of her lies.

DNA Ancestry kits aren't really a 'fun present'. There's always a risk of things like this coming out of the woodwork. I'd leave well alone personally.

Your mothers behaviour is classic narcissism. Blame someone else, then try to alienate you so she doesn't have to be reminded of her terrible behaviour. If this guy had assualted her I doubt he would even have contacted you or wanted to meet you. She'll never forgive you for finding out- there's no point trying.

I'd too be wary she might go after your bio Dad to try and cover things up. There's nothing as vindictive as the fury of a narcissist who's been found out. Meet your bio Dad and see if you can find some parental happiness there.

There is the potential to destroy a lot of families with genealogy, even more so with DNA. I recall our discovery that my MIL was born 3 months after her mother's marriage simply from looking at dusty certificates, MIL wasn't pleased! After her death we found out that she had a sister born 3 years earlier, OH recalled her being presented as his grandmother's much younger sister. Not sure what it all achieves, a parent is the one who sticks a plaster on your knee etc when you're little.

Was the morning after pill even around then? I thought they were a fairly recent thing?

I would send everyone a copy of your results and the conversation with the man from the DNA website any any you have with your mother.

If they see the evidence and then still don’t make amends then I would cut them all off for good and move on with my life BUT I would probably be too badly hurt by none of them listening to you before now.

She’s lying OP.

It wasn’t abnormal to register in your name and then register on marriage again, especially as you have to re-register the birth when you marry the dad. Your mum cheated and fucked up, she hoped it was your dads and you confirmed that you aren’t. She’s saving face like a true Narc.

tell everyone the truth.

If you go out all guns blazing telling everyone what's happened, she will tell them she was attacked and you will be the bad guy.

what outcome do you actually want? to be on good terms with your family, the truth about your paternity out in the open or your mother punished.

if you want a relationship with your family, the best thing is to try and reason with your mum that you won't tell her secret and get her to retract the lies about you.

if its your paternity, choose a time when your mother will be out or meet your father at work etc and have a 1-1 conversation him and maybe your brother.

if you want to burn everything down, tell everyone.

I would text everyone and add a screen shot of the results. Then let the chips fall as they may. The truth always comes out in the end.

OP's father is hardly a 'ghost from the past'!

On the basis of your Mum’s reaction, including the smears about you owing her a debt, her policing your Dad’s mobile etc, I’d say it’s more likely that your bio father is the truthful one here.

She’s got DARVO down to a tee!

"Decide as a group if your father should know"

OP, its your DNA... and its up to you who you tell. While that is the case you are still in control of this news which is deeply personal to you and which has caused you so much anxiety.

But you can't untell once its out and you can't control what others do with the news or who else they tell and how.

Once you tell siblings it will come out in any case. And maybe not in the way you'd hope - eg your DM may deflect and start saying OP told siblings and told them not to tell DF.

There is no rush to tell all whilst you are still processing this news and thinking about it. No need to have a sudden confrontation with unstable people who may not have your best interests at heart.

This is just awful. I really feel for you and would definitely suggest you seek counselling which will help you unpick all of this.
Sadly you don’t have anything to lose by telling your family as you aren’t in contact anyway - I think you taking control of the situation is really important as your mum is the one controlling the narrative. I think you have to prepare yourself though for things not necessarily changing as you aren’t able to control the lies that your mum is likely to come up with once the truth, as far as you know it, is out. Your family may still side with her but at least you will have (potentially) opened their eyes to her deceit. Perhaps seeking out a relationship with your real dad might be the one good thing that will come out of this?
Take care of yourself ❤

Oh yes , it was available then (required a visit to GP or A&E and prescription)