I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

This is one of the worst takes on anything anyone has ever had.

It's her mum's secret so she should suck it up? It's about who the OP's biological father is. I think you'll find that trumps bloody everything.

Never mind how her mother has behaved. Jesus H.

Yes, I have a first cousin who was given the details of a second cousin. The first cousin messaged me to ask whether I knew her. I did - we went to school together, but my first cousin had never met her because he was born abroad.

Whilst a relief for the old lady, how utterly heartbreaking.

Are people so nasty and callous - or just so incredibly stupid - to think that the innocent child is in any way to blame and thus ostracise them?

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Take all emotional words out of it and inform the whole family of the facts on one group text.

Then sit back with dignity and give them time to digest and see what they do.

Your siblings and Dad have every right to know the facts as it relates to them.

Prioritise getting professional support for yourself so that you can come to terms with this revelation and the how the behaviour of your difficult mother and father whilst growing up has impacted your own emotional health now as an adult and focus on that healing rather than expending futile energy concerning yourself with them.

It seems that you are being punished by lies and smears and excluded from the family because you have your mothers secret. Shine a calm, dignified, factual light on all of it and wait to see who breaks cover to support you.

Your mum's priority appears to be herself ans she's throwing everything at you to keep her secret (abuse, tears, lies, blame, alienation).

It sounds like she's terrified of this becoming common knowledge. That said, nothing excuses her behaviour towards you.

How was your relationship with your siblings prior to the news? Can you talk to them at all?

When is the wedding? How close were you to your brother? Do you think he would regret not having you there if he knew the truth?

You have done absolutely nothing wrong here. Your father who raised you is weak, as are your siblings but it's not surprising given your mother's behaviour.

OP has NOT thrown a grenade into the middle of her family, the mother has by having an affair and denying her child the right to form a relationship with not only her father but potentially half siblings and her entire fathers side of the family. No one should have the right to do that to their child. It's, in my opinion, controlling and abusive, all because her mother wanted to save her own skin. Purely self centred and now the chickens have come to roost she wants to blame her own child. Disgusting, shameful behaviour.

What if OP’s father is innocent but her mother does report it now?

She sounds like the type who wouldn’t bat an eyelid if it kept up her cover story.

It would be a good idea, except that the golden child brother has already nailed his colours to the mast in staunch support of their mother, regardless.

Remember: he didn't just not invite OP to his wedding; he never even told her that it was happening.

I'm guessing he would turn on and blame OP every time, rather than ever acknowledge the truth about their mother.

This.

I have relatives through marriage who were adopted as infants. They never wanted information about their bio parents. Then one became unwell, and their consultant told them to get as much info about their bio family as they good.

What a lot of pain your DM has caused.

Have you got someone to talk to IRL?

Your kids will need to know, in order for medical decisions to take account of any family history that may be prevalent in your bio dad's timeline. Maybe not now, but sometime.

I’m sorry but I just don’t believe her. I would tell the rest of the family you found out her secret and she turned on you.

You should approach your mum and tell her you know she’s lying and that if she doesn’t stop her awful behaviour you will out her secret to the whole family.

So you genuinely believe that OP was to blame for wanting to research her own origins - and she should now shut up, because she is somehow to blame for what her biological parents did before she was born, and now needs to carry that supposed guilt alone?

I'm guessing he would turn on and blame OP every time, rather than ever acknowledge the truth about their mother.

He has believed his DM lies and smears to date. However he cannot twist the DNA evidence or that the fact that his DM has acknowledged a sexual encounter (whether it was rape, ONS or consensua affair), taking the morning after pill and admitted knowing her first child was not her husbands.

That's a good point, although I think she would have a lot more to fear than he would.

That said, given OP's later update about her being high up in the police, I agree with PP that she could potentially 'control' the course and results investigation in order to protect herself.

But it sounds very much like they will all turn on her and make her their whipping girl, even in the event that they accept that she's telling the truth.

OP is already there.
What has she got to lose?

That said, given OP's later update about her being high up in the police, I agree with PP that she could potentially 'control' the course and results investigation in order to protect herself.

I think the OP said that her DM had a relative high up in the police at the time of the alleged rape who could have prioritised her case? This was in 1985/86 so not there now.

But she’s lost them all anyway? She either continues to be viewed as the villain or she tells people the truth and one day they see things as they really are. It might not be tomorrow, but one day they may see her Mother for who she really is and get the courage to leave her alone in her misery.

I think this is getting very close to saying that women who don’t report rapes are therefore lying, which is a dangerous line of thought…

Oh yes, the real problem here.

True. I suppose neither of us can know whether he will see the evidence and come to terms with it, or just blame 'a clear mistake' and remain in denial and in mummy's pocket.

Could you speak to your godfather? As your bio-dad could give you his name, did they know each other?

Then I think you need to get your dad on his own and speak to him.

Absolutely not what I was suggesting in any way - and I thought I'd worded it very carefully to avoid that potential construement.