I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

No one can know for absolute sure if what the OP has related is true. But in the absence of any reason to suspect she's lying, isn't the reasonable thing to give her the benefit of the doubt and accept the situation as she's described it?

Defaulting to "it might not be true" just seems a little strange to me. There's no cause to suspect that that might be the case.

She hasn't kicked her her out of the family. The op is ostricising herself.

You need to actually read OPs posts. She's doing no such thing

All these lunatics bashing the OP, for the actions of her very abusive mother!!

Are all the OP Bashers a similar age or generation to the abusive mother? Do they not agree with dragging up the past (for fear they might be held accountable for their dubious actions)?

People didn't analyse in the past, the way we do now. Lots of idiotic people followed the icons of the time, following the cartoonist behaviours such as storyline from the soaps of the time, wannabe Alexis colby's from Dynasty or some Dallas character. They put on these abusive persona s, thinking themselves arch manipulator and this made them powerful, never stopping to consider the repercussions of their actions.

The people defending the abusive mother - what is your agenda?

Surely that's the same for any Mumsnet post? If you don't believe the OP and think she's a troll, just report her thread.

I get it. I have a mother and sister with narc personality style. I also then married one because I didn’t realise this kind of behaviour isn’t normal or acceptable. I have some of those tendencies myself but have done a lot of work on myself. People who haven’t experienced it or learned about it don’t get it.

You owe her nothing. She made her decisions and she is now making a decision to handle it in this toxic way. She won’t change. She’s not setting out to hurt you. She will have no idea that you are hurt. She’s just in ego survival mode and using every manipulation trick in the book.

m Sorry you are going through this. I hope your biological dad is a decent human being (although he chose to sleep with another woman in a relationship - but he may have matured).

Oh lord above. I often post threads with slight alterations to ages, gender, details. So that it’s not too outing. The op was just using a certain turn of phrase and if he knows what he wants to do already then it makes sense. It’s really not the point.

It is meant to be an interesting present. I did it (a history nerd) with 23andme and found that I am related to some people who were around during the Viking times. I also found out where my ancestors had come from.

If you are interested in family history( and lots of people are based on the magazines, TV shows and these kits), then it can be fun. No one expects to uncover a decades old secret like this .

I have seen you post on other threads in a way that suggests you might not have had much opportunity for emotional growth. I think you are horribly horribly wrong here, to the point of being quite mean. Just for a moment imagine this was you and your mother LIED about you in order to keep the truth from being exposed. No thought to your emotional well-being. All about herself. May be you were lucky to have a mother that did consider your emotional well-being and wouldn’t dream of lying about you. May be you struggle with imagination or empathy. You need to drop this idea though as it’s at best irritating and unhelpful and at worst harmful and hurtful.

I'd be interested in seeing which posts by the OP you think support this.

There won’t be any. I think we can discount most of this posters posts as nonsense to be honest. It sounds mean but I think they need less air time.

Given that OP was only born in in 1987/88 I very much doubt her DC are much older than 17. It's not just the age anyway. It is the whole part about him going on mental health training courses with work placements- it is not how people become psychiatrists.

I just feel like at this point you're just stirring a pot.

It is disappointing but possibly you have found your biological father and have the opportunity to have a relationship if he's interested in going that far. You dad who raised you probably knows but doesn't want to face it. Why force it. What good can possibly come from it.

If you can't forgive your mom. Just distance yourself.

Go and meet your potential biological father!!!!!!!! Your mother is lieing and removing you so that you don't spill the beans!!! Go and meet him!!! This isn't about her. It's about YOU!!!!

Would you like me to send you his work experience voluntary placement and his A level courses 😂

He's not going on them to become one- hes going on them for experience in the environment and to add it to his Uni Applications....sorry he has some drive at 17 🤐

Do you mean he wants to be a psychologist? As in he's planning on studying psychology at university rather than medicine.

They're not older than 17 and the OP has never said that She has said that the ages of her children are 17 and 15 respectively, and that it is the 17-year-old who wishes to become a psychiatrist.

The 17-year-old is studying with the hopes of being a psychiatrist in the future. So OP yes, did not using the specifically accurate term when she said he was "training" to be a psychiatrist. But it's hardly a lie in this scenario. She just didn't use the technically correct phrase.

I got told some similar shite by some snotty cow on the Samaritans helpline when I was 12 and in mental turmoil when I found out I was a product of an affair.
It's not OPs dirty secret and she has nothing to keep quiet about.

If your mother is lying about being raped, it sounds like she won’t back down on the lie. I would be careful how you push this point with her (or anyone else) in case she does report your bio father as a rapist. It could destroy his life even if she can’t prove it.

Just again confirming. Our son was born one year before marriage. We got married and had to re-register his birth. It's apparently because otherwise, if there was a problem with our wills when we died, the children born within marriage are legally entitled to more and re-registering prevents this issue. Something like that. The person registering his birth was very insistent we'd need to re-register after marriage.

Fuck me this is horrible.
Your poor poor boy. I’ve experienced something similar at 12 by my grandmother. it scarred me and my self esteem for ever regarding said thing I couldn’t do (in her eyes).

On another hand… imagine being in a police interview with this woman or being a part of an investigation. - it’s scary!

Narcissists don’t like being unmasked and will do anything to stop it happening. Your mum denied it and tried to get you to drop it but your results were on your kids dna matches too and you didn’t drop it. She then felt very threatened and she shed crocodile tears and whipped out her rape story but you still wouldn’t let it lie. Narcissists don’t like people going against their wishes so she starts a smear campaign against you claiming you have done some evil and devastating against her and she is so heartbroken she has washed her hands off you. People seeing her tears and distress will be so angry on her behalf they turn against you also and if you ever try to clear your name they won’t believe you.
classic narcissistic behaviour