I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

"I still would rather say nothing than have to listen to her scream to everyone that I am horrible and then recieve messages telling me to apologise to her for nothing."

Your mother isn't going to tell you the truth no matter what you say or do. She'll lie, obfuscate, and then scream, threaten, and send nasty message about you to the family. But she will never admit to an affair so she'll spread her 'rape' story far and wide. Once again making herself the victim. Actually a 'double victim'. First a victim of a mythical rape, then a victim of your 'victimization'.

I think that as much as you probably don't want to blare your biological father's version of the story to the family at large, it may be that doing it at the right time could save a lot of heartache and hassle. Or maybe not, if she's got everyone so in the FOG that they'd gladly stand outside on a clear blue day and say the sky is green if it will shut her up.

If I was determined to push the issue with her I'd plan some preemptive and/or counter- strikes:

First, I'd prepare an email to family members detailing what you have found out. Have it ready to send in an instant.

Next, tell your dad (as an adoptee, I believe that 'dad' or 'real dad' is the man who raised you) the truth as you know it. He deserves to know the truth regardless, or if he already knows, that you now know the truth. If things end up 'going public' he deserves to know ahead of time and not be blindsided.

Then 'have the conversation' with your mother. Do not tell her that you're prepared to go nuclear. Although I think there are better chances of hell freezing over, give her the chance to come clean. Let her know that your bio dad has told you the truth about the affair. Emphasis on truth and that you believe him.

As soon as you're off the phone with her and at your own discretion, push 'send' on that email to those who are likely to be contacted by her and have their ears filled with venom. This will hopefully get the truth to them before she can dial their numbers. Whether or not this ameliorates the situation and 'tones down' their reaction you need to decide for yourself.

OR you can accept at face value your bio dad's version and forgo any further action with your mum. Sounds to me as if either way she's going to vilify you so you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

This may be the straw that breaks your camel's back with NC being the result. If you feel you'd lose the rest of your family, think about whether her vileness is really worth keeping them. They haven't got your back anyway, what's the point of them?

This, 100%.

I'd be tempted to flip it all and go for the killing her with kindness approach as she can't seem to deal with confrontation. Don't get me wrong, I know you are understandably angry, but think about the best way to deal with her to get the information you need without all the drama. After you get the information you need you can then make a decision if you still want her in your life going forward.

""be compliant, complicit and complacent" like a dutiful daughter, lest you stir up any trouble! Momma knows best. "

The entire family are tools to bolster up her ego, of course golden child is her son, opposite gender child, that she doesn't compete with. He's the novelty and she remains the Queen Bee.

Get thee to the therapist.

@pinkgirl2018 sorry, but wtf are you talking about? What a strange way to kick someone when their down 🤔

You and yours are enemy number one in her eyes, I would walk away from the lot of them, they are too scared to listen to anyone nor believe anyone without her say so.
You know the truth and you don’t need to prove it nor will they go against her by opening their eyes and mind.
You will get members of the family who your mum will fall out with coming to you for sympathy and to find out your version of the truth, they will be shocked but as soon as they are welcomed back into the fold they will dismiss it as lies. All those who are too frightened to say anything to her are enabling her including the man who brought you up.

I had to make an account just to leave a comment on here lol, please tell your family. Do not let her push you out of the family when it is not your fault.

Just a thought @Buttonsmum67, but it seems a bit odd to me that a man who has previously raped a woman (or women) would voluntarily take a dna test and make those results available online for any children to be matched with.

Not saying your mum is lying, but that makes no sense to me.

I know this - but knowing your ancestry is still a useful indicator before choosing to take the next step, isn’t it? It’s information about ourselves and everyone has a right to know what their ethnicity is and who their bio/genetic forebears are (eg… who our cousins are or who are not. We don’t require genetic blood testing before marriage in the UK, but in the US I think you are still require to have a blood test precisely to check you are not related).

I'd be wary about trusting these novelty DNA testing companies 100%.

Mine did not link my sister to our mother at all. I knew she was my sister as there's a large age gap and I was there when my mother gave birth! We did a test with another company and it did then link the two of them.

My point being, there's a good chance your test isn't correct

Well, when MN requires that all posts must be proof read and edited for grammar and accuracy, you can apply for the post. Do you correct people IRL when they make a mistake in their language too? You must be fun at parties.

Likewise I also think it's odd that Op's mum went straight to assault/rape rather than saying she genuinely thought that Op was her dad's.

It's hard to think that someone would lie about something so serious.

Of course it obscures(?) the fact that she was obviously seeing someone else!

No, but it’s how you get a place on very competitive medical school courses (28000 applications for 7000 places) - work experience is the only way to stand out against all the other students who are predicted 4 A* and have 10-12 grade 9s at GCSE.

Do it have that bottle of wine have 2 prints each of both dna kits with letter hand given to every single member of yiur family the ones that matter dad brothers sisters and then leave it at that you have no way at all created any of this and your mother sounds like a piece of work I know how you feel because I'm mid 40s and still having therapy over my childhood..... take charge and feel no shame because you've done nothing wrong do not sit on a back burner if the nan wants to see you then see him he can't be lying it's all proof in black n white xx

To the armchair detective - I was born in '88 and my oldest DD is 19. ( She is at uni and she had placements in her chosen field of study before applying to uni)

Everyone needs to jump off their high horses, getting on OP's back, nit picking every word, get over yourselves! OP clearly your mother is extremely selfish yet not self aware (like a lot of the other posters on here) you're not gaining anything having her or who you have been told is your father in your life so maybe speak to any of the family members you want to hold onto and let the rest swivel, life is too short. Also, getting an Ancestry DNA kit for your children really isn't that weird, children study family trees all the time whether that is in primary school or secondary! It's interesting!

Or gift everyone in your family Ancestry DNA kits. Let them find out for themselves that they aren't related to you in the way they think they are.

Let it out. Why are you trying to protect your dad? He has turned his back on you and you say you were abused as a child by your mum, he must have known that was going on. Did he do anything to try and protect you growing up?

The OP might have fudged some of it to be less obvious. If you don’t believe it then just leave the thread.

I knew from age 14 that I wanted to join my profession. I spent the next 4 years doing work placements and voluntary work in my school holidays. I was definitely working towards my career.
And none of this detail has any bearing on the overarching issue here other than kicking the OP.

Loving the amount of people defending the mother for sleeping around and getting pregnant then lying to her family for decades.

Reveal all OP, it's the only way quite frankly.

Yes. Indeed. The mother won’t have even considered the OP’s emotions in this at all. Awful woman.

Nerd, although I was linked with the 2 of my children who separately had done a test and also to distant cousins on my mother's and father's side who are in my family tree so I was amazed by the accuracy actually.

clingycassandra, I hadn't know that - that is you have a child out of wedlock, declare the father on the birth cert, you then have to re-register the birth if you and the father marry. Given half of babies are born with unmarried parents these days in the UK and that quite a few then later DO marry for IHT and other reasons I think there should be more publicity for that. · https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1976/31/section/9