I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

No it is not. My husband and I have both taken DNA tests. In my husband’s case he has found and made contact with a whole load of family through the ancestry website.
Not only do you get details of people you might be related to, it gives you a breakdown of your ethnicity. Even if we have lived in the UK for generations, our descendants very often came from elsewhere.
It really is important to know who your biological parents and grandparents are. There could be inherited diseases that you or your future children need to be screened for.

You don't want to hurt your Dad's feelings but he doesnt have any issue with hurting your feelings and being complicite in ostracising you from your family. My mother is a little bit like this, but to a far less extent. She plays me off against my brother (who is her golden child) and my Dad, and I get blamed for being difficult when I stand up to her.I am 100% the scape goat and it sounds like you are too. I dont know if she even knows shes doing it, it's just innatley in her nature. Anyway, I strongly suspect you mother is lying and she had an affair. I would tell your Dad, but he probably won't believe you even if you have evidence.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

your mothers panic and general behaviour, suggests that there is something else to this story. Your biological father’s take sounds plausible, but that doesn’t mean that either is correct.

your mother is effectively throwing you under the bus, to protect her lies. That’s unfair and puts your wellbeing under a very compromised situation.

1. if she was attacked, would it really ruin her marriage? Would your dad have sympathy for his wife, the presumed victim?

2. if she was attacked, did she seek support, make a police complaint, share with her family. If she was violated, she should not have to keep this secret as she’s not to blame.

3. I would tell your mum, that unless she tells your dad, you will. Give her some time. Then tell your dad.

You can’t lose everything because of your mums lies.

What, so the test incorrectly identified OP's bio father as someone who coincidentally knew, worked with and had a relationship with OP's mother?

True.

No, it would imply they weren't married

No, it would imply they weren't married

It's weird reading so many people writing about NPS as if it is a real thing. It's a concept constructed to stereotype commonly observed behaviours - that doesn't make it an actual condition.

The mother is a narcissist who has lied about having a serious illness and is lying about the OP. I would usually always err on the side of believing the woman in a case of sexual assault but here, based on the information shared, I’d bet good money on the mother lying to protect herself from the fall out. I know the type!

It’s not a diagnosable condition but when you are in the whirlpool created by people displaying these patterns of behaviour it is enormously helpful so that you can step out of it. I don’t agree with categorising humans generally but I think this can actually be a situation where the short hand is helpful for the people who are having to live alongside it. It helps us to not be manipulated, to see when we are being unfairly turned into the perpetrator when we call them out and hells to not buy into the gaslighting.

A year ago, I’d have fully agreed with you. Now I’m so grateful to have seen the patterns and have some clarity rather than constantly questing myself, placating, appeasing and being at the mercy of rage.

Normal boundary setting and relational ways of interacting just don’t help in these situations.

You surely cannot send a text saying this to the man who thinks he is your DH. That would be unforgiveable.
If you must tell him, at the very least you need to tell him in person.

For his sake I would not tell him but just pick up the relationship with the actual father. Why ruin his life just to get at the DM? Your family sound disfunctional and mother a nightmare. Why not just go NC especially with her, and get on with finding out the truth about the new DH?

Oh FFS, please PP, if you dont have any experience in dealing with people like @Buttonsmum67 mother, step away

if your looking to find fault with @Buttonsmum67 - again, back off, scroll on by.

you can't possibly be of any value at all if you don't know about this stuff. and good for you.

@Buttonsmum67 Use the crazy, you don't have to live with her, you clearly owe her nothing anymore and your dad isn't going to protect you. Your DM is running round telling people all manner of lies about you

MY suggestion is to fight fire with fire. TELL your mother that unless she undoes the lies she as told, you will show proof of what REALLY happened to literally everyone you know, you will put it on Facebook, you will stick it on Insta and you will whatsapp the fuck out of it.

Telll her that she doesn't get to try to destroy your reputation to save her own. She undoes this damage or you will end this war the nuclear way.

Fuck it, what have you got to lose? tell her that too!

I know loads of people who have done this. My DH included. It's not that unusual.

I'm surprised to find people querying the use of Ancestry sites for fun.

Just because exploring ancestry isn't fun for some people, doesn't mean it's not fun for anyone else. Every person is unique and has a different perception of what qualifies as fun.

I don't find crafting/crocheting to be fun at all, but totally understand how other people do.

If I was you, I’d be writing a letter to my Dad and siblings with screen shots of the messages from your biological father, the ancestry DNA results detailing exactly what her version of events was.
Then a week later, I’d send all the same information to extended family.
She does not get to lie and cheat 37 years ago, then lie and gaslight you when you find out.
Actions have consequences.
Drop the bomb and then move on.

I think that's funny and also genius. The OP has nothing more to lose in any case.

Your mother sounds awful and the rest of the family are scared of her/manipulated by her.

I can't believe some of the responses you're getting on here, as though you have no right to want answers as to who your real father is. She should be apologising and answering any questions you have, the rape story is quite clearly a fabrication.

Id sack the lot of them off and be done with the stress of being in a family like that. It's sad and unfair that it means you're not invite to your siblings wedding etc but they have all obviously drunk the cool aid. You can be free from all the BS and live your own life or live in denial and kowtow to your mum to keep the peace. I know which I'd rather do.

If you want to spill the beans a simple "I've found out df isn't my real father and dm has kicked off about it" should suffice for now - why should you have to deny your reality to keep your cow of a mum protected? If she'd been a good mum and was a nice person you'd naturally want to protect her but she sounds anything but.

This!

Dont quite get the avenging angel scorched earth approach

It's not avenging scorched earth.

This "secret", has been forced on the OP, she had no choice. She has been denied the truth and reality all of her life.

She also has been defamed, silenced and cancelled from the family. These forced secrets are toxic. Her siblings also have a right to know the truth.

None of this has been the OPs choice, none of it has been to benefit her.

Wanting to live an authentic life, is not the equivalent of a scorched earth mentality.

Why can't the mother hold a family meeting: reveal her secret, tell her children she loves them equally and wants to work through all of this. Why can't the mother be responsible for healing the rift and apologise for her actions.

All this victim blaming is galling. The person who caused the lies and fall out, should take steps to fix the family bond.

It's not a typo or a slight difference in words fgs.

Absolutely!!

I'm not sure you're correct about your "required by law" statement, unless the law has changed in recent years.

I married the father of my 2 (now adult) DC a couple of years ago. We had a very long engagement! The registrar advised that we could re-register if we wanted to, but it was our choice. He is on their birth certificates, but that wasn't questioned by the registrar.

Your posts if they weren’t so laughable they could be quite shocking to op.
i really hope you do not do any form of therapy as a job.
I’m unsure how you have managed to turn all this around and blamed the op is beyond me?

take no heed op. Your mothers is behaviour awful. If what happened is true (that’s truly awful) but no need to lie to all, take it out on you and cut you all off.
worse, if not true, again lie and not deny your right to know where you came from. Your dad will always be your dad, but you still had the right to know.

i would tell your family the truth. It’s not fair that all of you are now being cut off.

I am correct and it hasn't changed for years. However, it is widely ignored. The fine for failing to re-register is just £2!

Your mother sounds like a c[]nt. I'd tell everyone, why should you bear the brunt of her actions? If your family are excluding you anyway, they might as well know what you know (with the screenshots) and make up their own minds. They will probably still side with your mother, but at least you can walk away knowing you did what you could to make them realise what an awful person she is, and if they're too blind to see it then that's on them. On the flipside, it could very well open some eyes. I have been SA, I would ordinarily not discredit anyone that claims that they have, but honestly it just sounds like she's made an excuse to save her own skin, because if I'd been in that situation, I'd have told my partner, as most people would.
It sucks for your dad, but also, he's allowed her to mistreat you all? So you know, he made his bed.
I have toxic, abusive parents, best thing i ever did was cutting them out of my life. They were like cancer, just absolutely draining. People that know them never believe me about how awful they were, because they are all about keeping up appearances, and God what an awful daughter I am and blah blah blah, always acting the victims. Nah, fuck that. Drop your bomb, then walk away and make your peace with it, you're worth so much more than the family you've suffered.