I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

You just found out your dad isnt your dad and you have a genetic father out there.
The first person to speak to is your (first) dad. Your mother should not dictate to you now. Its your choice what to do with this information. But he deserves a conversation with you above everyone else.

Not really. I was registered twice as well. Once before my parents were married and then after they were married.

@NewGreenDuck Yes it was. I took it in 1981.

You're being cut out anyway
Just tell everyone, then they can decide for themselves

I'd be more interested in knowing how the OP managed to contact this "random man" - I presume his identity would not have been revealed to the OP - or how he managed to message her to ask WTF was going on...

(Apologies if others have already pointed this out - I've not read the whole thread)

It’s very common. I have multiple relatives registered twice due to parents not being married when born or still technically married to someone else at time of birth.

The apps associated with the DNA testing usually allow you to message people you have been genetically linked to. A bit like an online dating app. They then get the choice as to whether to reply or not.

My husband has spoken with a half uncle that he found via one of these services and they ended up exchanging numbers. They managed to piece together quite a lot of family history.

If you match with another person on Ancestry, you are given the opportunity to contact them anonymously (via their username) in a messenger platform within Ancestry. Ancestry is about finding relatives after all. I have heaps of 2nd and 3rd cousins Ancestry keeps telling me I can contact to share info.

The ancestry site links you to other members with shared genes. The site is anonymous unless you privately message people. I have met a number of distant relatives through it and it is useful when clearing up lineage.
My mums cousin had a baby adopted, she was a teenage mum during the 60s. I knew about this relative but was surprised to find out that there was also another child.
They found out about each other a few years ago via the adoption agencies and met up but their mother didn’t want to meet them. They have met up with her sister though.
The family knew about the second child because the pregnancy was not hidden but the first one was not common knowledge. My mums cousin was sent away.
In fact very few members of the family knew about the first pregnancy. Different times.

Not read all this thread, but the reaction of the OP's mother is not unique. On the BBC News website there was a story about a woman looking into a Romanian fostering scandal - I think - and found herself part of the story when she did a DNA test. Her real biological mother wanted her to go along with a made-up story that she as an infant has been kidnapped by her parents from their real mother when in fact she'd given her away, and refused to engage with her when her daughter would not go along with that lie. Not quite the same, but some just do not want to face up to their own culpability.

I would tell your father (the man who brought you up) and of course make it clear that you still regard him as your father but that you might want to meet your genetic father. A child born within marriage is deemed the child of the mother's husband unless proven to the contrary - David Blunkett brought in laws about this which in the end entitled him to challenge his married lover's child's parentage - it was Blunkett's child born from adultery of its mother with DB.

However there may be inheritance and psychological consequences but as the cat is now let out of the bag you might as well go through with it and your mother will calm down or not as she chooses but no need for you to lie to family.

Ancestry doesn't provide the name, Ancestry enables messaging between the user names. The people behind those user names can then exchange contact details if they want to.

Sorry I know this isn't the point of this thread, but the people questioning how this has happened with the DNA test, well BBC radio have a really interesting series about similar situations and the impact on the families involved https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0gd2dgb

Same

Ancestry is both for people who simply want to know their heritage and for those who want to find family members, both living and deceased.

Once you upload your DNA and give your permission, you'll get access to literally hundreds of matches, mostly with distant cousins, and you can access their family trees if they've made them. The website tells you their name (if they've made it public), where they are and how close the match is.

If close relatives such as mystery fathers have uploaded their DNA then absolutely you'll be informed. They'll be informed there's a match too. It happens a lot these days!

Here's mine from yesterday. Obviously I have redacted identifying information.
See the buttons Connect to Tree, Message and Edit Relationship? Once you get a notification you can just press the buttons to take action.

Not wildly inaccurate at all.

The law is very clear.

"If the parents have married or enter into a civil partnership after the child was born, they are legally required to re-register the birth. This is the case even if the father is already on the child's birth certificate. This particular requirement stems from The Legitimacy Act, section 9.
The relevant form is LA1.
In the event that the father did not already have parental responsibility, the father will acquire parental responsibility once the birth has been re-registered in accordance with Section 4 (1A) of the Children Act 1989."

That's kinda disingenuous! Most people on Ancestry who aren't anonymous use their full name as their username.

Fair enough, it might not be their real name, but it usually is as people are on there wanting to be found!

This is what I'd do as well. She's no big loss.

Traditionally babies are given their mums name and it changes when the mums name changes. It's only more recently where marriage isn't as common that the dad's name is more often given while unmarried as the mum doesn't have intention of changing her name but the dad is still going to be actively involved.

I don't see a lot on there with their real name. I see names like Nikki2021 or myfamsearch or connex or jimnpeggyfam.

I'm always surprised on these DNA test threads by the number of people who are terrified that they'll blow up their family. That said, my parents themselves gave the kits to me and my siblings as gifts, so I guess they were fairly sure of our parentage.

I still think it's best to be honest. If the family side with OP's mother, so be it. Better to know where you stand than have to lie the rest of your life to protect a parent so scummy that she'd rather besmirch her own daughter's reputation than come clean about her own past. I'd seriously consider cutting ties with her over this. It is 100% NOT her mother's secret to keep. It's OP's own DNA, her own origin. Of course she deserves the truth about that, and it's her right to share that information with whomever she chooses.

Maybe your relatives are more concerned with privacy than mine?! 😂

Just had a look at my first 50 matches. 11 have only initials or usernames that aren't a full name. The remaining 39 are all using their full names - so a sizable majority.

@Maddy70 I don't know why you would feel sorry for her Dad, he sounds completely spineless and an enabler. He hasn't had OP's back whilst her mum has bullied her continuously so he can have an easy life. She has no loyalty to either parent.

i don’t understand what has happened here. How can you send off your DNA and be matched with anyone? How did the DNA company have the DNA of your mum and this bloke who has been named as your dad?