I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

They wouldn't need her mum's DNA and her bio father would have to already be in the system to find a match.
But those DNA databases are now able to identify similarities out to 3rd and 4th cousin.

DNA companies only have the DNA of people who have uploaded their DNA test results to the website.

However, they are very popular so if you upload your DNA you will find matches. They might be distant cousins, or closer family members.

In the OP's case, her biological Dad happens to be a member of the website and has sent in his DNA sample and marked that he's open to matches getting in touch.

I don't think the OP's mum is on it.

I have 7 family trees I'm researching - mine, my late husband, a local historic figure, and 4 others I'm helping out.

I'm not quite sure why we're labouring this point?

I have 344 pages of matches, each with 50 matches on them. As I click through them, the vast majority use their own name.

I have no idea why you don't see the same on your Ancestry. It's what I see on mine.

But either way, the original point was someone asking how the OP can see her Dad's name. Even if only a few of yours don't show a full name, you're not saying none are, are you? And so, that's the asnwer to how how people can see a full name.

This technology isn't going anywhere. It wouldn't surprise me if, in a decade or two, everyone in the UK is offered a DNA test on the NHS to identify certain health conditions and treat them early. I think we'll eventually reach the point where the cost of the DNA tests is outweighed by the savings to the NHS. In fact, the NHS began a study a few weeks ago in which hundreds of newborns were DNA-tested to screen for genetic disorders. I suspect will ultimately become routine healthcare.

Of course, this will lead to some rather... uncomfortable discoveries. But it will probably be a net positive for society. There will be fewer people who lie to their children and/or partners about parentage in the first place, because they'll know they'll be caught soon enough.

I’m not sure that’s always the case. I’ve been working on my family tree for a few years and that doesn’t seem to fit with my ancestors. Also on a personal level my child has my surname.

Have you tried having a chat with your godparent? They may be a good confidante.

"I'm not quite sure why we're labouring this point?"
Me neither.

As I said "They wouldn't need her mum's DNA and her bio father would have to already be in the system to find a match."
And seeing a name doesn't give you contact details. For that you need to message them. As she has been in contact, she will have messaged him through the messenger function.

From what you have described, your behaviour has been very insensitive and haven’t handled it well at all. That is a huge secret that has been buried for a long time and of course it’s going to cause concern to your mum. It would to anyone. I do sense from you that there is some emotional work that you’re needing to do and I’m glad you’re doing that in therapy. It feels to me that you need a bit of maturity in handling this difficult situation. It sounds like you’ve been a bull in a china shop here.

A riny proportion of people of are actually narcissists. It’s an extremely overused term. Anyone who has a dispute with someone else is now calling them a narcissist. It’s not accurate.

You obviously need to speak to your mother about how she wants to handle it. I appreciate this is a shock for you (I’ve actually been through something very similar) but you do need to be mature and considerate about this. This situation might not be all her making. I get the vibe from you that you’re someone who thinks everyone else is wrong and you’re right. I’m afraid that’s unlikely to be the case. Good luck.

Very few people would meet diagnostic criteria for a Narcissistic Personality Disorder but plenty could be described as having a narcissistic personality style.

Regardless of what you call it, the OP is an adult survivor of at best poor parenting, at worst child abuse. Her mother has lied about having a serious illness to protect herself. The OP is in therapy to process what her mother has previously done and needed support to write the message - presumably ti get the wording right and to be sensitive (the opposite of bull in a China shop).

Her mother has basically then done everything she can to protect herself and her tears were all about her and no sense of consideration for her daughter. She has LIED ABOUT HER OWN DAUGHTER to turn everyone against her.

She fits the bill for a narcissistic personality style easily but if we don’t call it that, it’s very obvious that she has always been a liar. Has always put her own fragile ego before other people. Wasn’t a great mother when the OP was little. Lied to her husband. And now is ostracising and scapegoating the OP for her own reasons so zero empathy.

You are now gaslighting the OP into thinking that she did something wrong. She did not cause this.

She has done nothing wrong. Her mother is the ONLY culpable person here.

Sorry this thread has turned into a debate on dna tests rather than responses to your situation.

From an outside perspective, it seems extremely likely that your mother is lying. She has a history of lying. She usually does whatever is needed to take the spotlight off her own bad behaviour. It's unlikely that a rapist would want to put their dna on a website and meet their offspring. I'd meet him and ask for details and then decide what to do

I wouldn't tell your family anything. Whatever you tell them, she will twist round and make out you're lying / causing trouble. Your dad will believe she was attacked. You'll be the one at fault for making her re live her terrible ordeal.

Me too - clearly a lot of people don't read threads and can't help but post their ignorance.

Another vote for telling family the truth. What harm can it do considering?

Also it sounds like your family are vilified, perhaps your real father is a better parental
Option anyway?!

Been thinking about this and I think your mum may be panicking as she’s dug a hole for herself - if you report back to this bio father that she claims she was raped and he didn’t do anything of the sort (as it seems) then its slander, isn’t it? If he’s in the police force or allied career (assume he may be if your family/godfather is) this is a HUGE issue.

The simplest solution is usually the truth - ie she had an affair.

I also disagree with those stating that you are responsible for imploding your family by bringing this into the open. This was not your doing. It was hers. She is the one who has lived a lie. What if one of your children had a heritable illness and needed his medical info? This is not as bizarre as it sounds - my DH and I have BOTH had it revealed in the last year that we have two very different, entirely genetic blood disorders that you can only get if both parents carry the genes - I never knew my bio dad either (had a toxic/narcisstic mother too) so recently also signed up to the DNA service in case I have some family out there.

When you perpetuate a lie like this, multiple family members become the victims.

OP, I would totally level with all your family as to what the circumstances are and let them decide where their loyalties are. In the meantime, I hope you have support from DH and friends as what your mother has done is despicable.

OP - It's time to be selfish for yourself and your children. You have discovered a father and grandfather and now have an opportunity to build a relationship with them. This is a good positive thing.

You have existing relationships with your step-siblings, step-father, and mother - it's a bit uncertain how those will develop in the light of your news, but you don't have sole control of this so I suggest you put your energy into your newly discovered relationship.

I am not suggesting that you do or say anything negative or destructive to your maternal family, on the contrary, I think that this revelation is not really any of their business. Yes I happen to disbelieve your mother's story, but again - how she behaves about your discovery of the truth is her choice, not yours.

The truth is that this man is your father, and it is also true that the parents who brought you up have lied to you about this for your whole life. It sounds as if your father is a lovely man who will be a supportive grandfather—but I may be wrong. He deserves the chance to be the best he can be. Similarly, your mother and stepfamily will deal with this however they do. You can change neither the truth nor how they react to it. What you can do is act with dignity and maturity.

Well, that’s what she says. But (some) people only see things through their own lens. It just didn’t strike me as very balanced post. No recognition of anyone else’s feelings here.

@SoMuchBadAdvice agree with much of this - but it's not a 'step' dad. OP's non-bio dad is legally recognised as her father in law as he is on the birth cert. He is her legal father, not a step parent. Additionally, they are not her step siblings - they are (biologically) half-siblings as they are related to her via her mother. The impact of her mother's lies has a direct bearing on their relationship with her and with the OP/OP's children, so it is totally their business.

I accept your corrections of my poor titling.

I have been simplistic in my analysis because Occam's Razor is always the best approach to complexity, and I think that the worst thing that OP can do is allow herself to get dragged into whatever drama the half-family have over events. They probably do have to have a drama in order to rationalise 40 years of lies, but I don't see that OP has to join in.

My behaviour has been insensitive?
I have kept my mouth shut and not probed so as not to upset anyone else, and have sat quietly keeping her secret for her whilst she cuts me out of everyone's lives so as not to have to talk to me about it. She also said I was a product of rape and then left me to it with no discussion lol. You get a sense I need some emotional work from finding out my father isn't my father and no one is talking to me because my mother is making up stories about me whilst I continue to protect her? You would be correct.
If you had read previous posts, you would see when my mother is confronted with even the slightest argument (my sister told her she'd had a bit too much last xmas and she started screaming down the house saying my sister had physically assaulted her). I hope you didn't gas light yourself in the situation you've also been in because saying someone can't have emotions with two such massive bombshells is extremely unhealthy for your mind.

OP if you look there are a number of posters all spouting the same stuff - as they seem to use a similar way of naming themselves it wouldn’t surprise me if they were the same person using different user names. Either way they are being ridiculous and I would ignore them. They clearly have never met someone with a personality type like your mother…

I’d ignore this person OP. Anyone who would be affected by any fallout from this is the victim of your mothers actions, you aren’t responsible for that whatever you choose to do.

Also there have been studies to say that there is a particularly high proportion of people who are narcissists among your mothers generation, higher than any other.

I feel for you OP.

If it hadn't been this it would have been something else that inflamed your Mum's reaction - it seems she loves to look for drama in everything. No matter what.

Perhaps it's time to minimise any contact with her because no matter what you do or say you are cast as the villain in her life 'story.'

We have to stay away from these types of people to create & protect our own peaceful quiet life.

Spend time with those who help support rather than desecrate this.

I have cut it down over the years as she makes an argument whenever we go out, she will comment on my clothes, makeup, hair, job. She will goad and goa until she gets a reaction- so as I was unable to stop reacting I decided it best to just cut it. Last time was on my birthday when we were sitting round the table my sister bought a cake out for me and my mother loudly proclaimed IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT YOU IT'S ALSO BEEN FATHERS DAY. That was it for me.