I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

Ancestry tests can also be a positive thing. I signed up because there was a family 'story' about me having a half sister. My Dad died when I was 13 & I had no contact with anyone on his side of the family.

My half sister contacted me after I had been on there for 6 years - her children had bought her a kit as a present. I thought it was amazing because suddenly I had family on my fathers side & I felt as though I 'belonged' more.

OP, horrible situation! But if I were you I would disclose the results to everyone and also say your mother was begging you not to tell anyone. Basically, whatever you said on here. Also, tell the bio dad she says he raped her. See what happened.

With regards people saying "how could she knew her bio dad's name" - I did 23 and me, and there is an option to see everyone you share DNA with. I can see everyone I'm even slightly related to - and it tells me the how much DNA I share with them and their relation to me based on that. Its only first name and initials, but I can contact them if I want.

Your mother sounds a right piece of work. Mine has told me my father is the man she married, Ian Botham, Kevin Keegan and the man who ran the travelling fair. She's a fantasist and I thinks yours is too.

Op has some right to know who her father is....

More likely to believe this chap, why would he lie?

Our mothers could be clones!

I’ve been fully NC for 6 years now and it’s bliss. It’s been a hard 6 years coming to many realisations, I’m 49yo and still occasionally have a cry about what I have lost out on through my life but it’s absolutely the best thing I ever did going NC. Going NC also meant going NC with the golden child and LC with my other sibling as it just makes life easier. I wish I had the guts to call some things out when my DF was alive but because he always took her side for an easy life I was too scared to loose him. Now I realise I never had him, he was just as guilty for the abuse I received because he never stopped it.

In your position @Buttonsmum67 with my new found couldn’t give a fuck if I upset the Queen Narc I’d probably embrace a relationship with your bio Dad or at least meet with him. I absolutely 100% would not believe your Narc Ms lies, this would be something mine would say if she was caught out. The way I look at it is you have one Narc parent and one parent who will never protect you or put you first, it’s a hard truth but it’s the truth! Meeting this other man maybe a chance to have a parent relationship that isn’t toxic. If it dosnt work out you have nothing to loose but you know the truth and at least tried.

Being who I am now I would have no problem calling narc mother out, I did when we went NC and it felt soo good. I would probably do the following.

Send a message to Dad, siblings, aunts/uncles, basically anyone who enjoys playing a flying monkey position, but not including narc mother, one thing narcs can’t handle is being ignored.

“Hi all, I’ve decided I’ve finally had enough of all this shit and being made out to be the bad guy. The truth is 1 year ago I found out “name” was not my real father, of course this came with the usual pity me party from mother and a bunch of lies. I have now met my real father who has given me enough truth and facts for me to know I was the result of a long standing affair. Dad, maybe if you had cared enough about me to ever put me first I would have spoken to you one on one, I did try calling you but all calls were intercepted by your wife. As it is, maybe you knew the truth which is why you never stoped the emotional and mental abuse inflicted by your wife, I suppose we will never know. I’m tired of all the lies, screaming, pity me parties, this has just become too toxic and untenable for me and my family.

If any of you want to reach out kindly, I’m not interested in any verbal abuse or excuses, but I am open to contact. Otherwise I will be blocking you all going forward and focusing on rebuilding my life with my family that dosnt involve lies and trauma.”

I know it’s easy said than done but I’ve got to a point in my life now I have no doubts on calling people out, I no longer try to play peace keeper or feel I need to take the brunt of the blame for something I wasn’t even involved in.

I have small children 7-12yo, my oldest now know why we are NC & LC with my family, well enough to know my relationship with them wasn’t healthy for me and that I don’t want them being exposed to toxic people. My youngest dosnt remember any of my family so it’s no loss to her.

The best thing I did to protect my children was cutting the cancer that is my mother out of their lives.

good luck x

Why would a rapist voluntarily put their DNA on a public database? that would seem like a very odd choice OP. I’d tell them all in a very short, matter of fact message and then leave them to it. Give yourself a bit of time and space then make a decision re your bio dad.

Didn’t you say your dad and your bio dad knew each other? It might result in your dad piecing stuff together if he had been told a different story.

Your mother sounds awful, I'm so sorry. It's good that you are doing therapy, I'm sure that must be helpful. You might also find it helpful to check out the Stately Homes threads.

I can imagine that finding out the man you thought was your father is not actually your biological father must have been a huge shock. However, there is potentially a silver lining to this situation. If your biological father is interested in meeting you and getting to know you, you might gain a relationship with him and his wider family - and they might be a bit more sane than your narcissist mum and enabler dad.

It sounds as if NC with your mum is the only way to go, sadly.

Hmm he's done a DNA test already, hence the whole thread

Because some of us care about the truth and where we came from. What if her bio dad carries a rare genetic disease? What if he’s just like her and they’d get on like best friends? What if he has other kids and she has siblings she doesn’t know about?

Regardless, if her mum’s lied about r^pe she deserves the fallout

This.These people are your family, but they’re not a good family.
No one seems to be able to think for themselves, and you’re made the scapegoat. Seriously, what do you have to lose? Your mother sounds vile. It sounds like your mother was cheating on a boyfriend, got pregs, and pretended to your dad it was his to get married.

I’d send the screenshots and what the bio father said. Offer no opinions and ask for none. Leave it at that. If anyone wants to keep a relationship with you, they’ll seek you out. Otherwise, f* them. Move on. Build a community of friends.

Joined to post. Let me tell you a story.

My mother who sounds exactly like yours makes up terrible illnesses for attention all the time. She has engaged on a smear campaign against me more than once when I slightly called her out on really bad behaviour. My father is an enabler, they usually are. I've gone very low contact with both. I don't care what they think of me.

Here's why I'm posting. She's lying out of her ass when she says she was raped. She wasn't. You and me are probably v similar - normal people who can't quite believe a person would tell a lie that huge, but she would.

Here's why I say this. Once my mother was at a restaurant with us. On the way back from the bathroom she claimed to have been sexually/physically assaulted by a poor bugger who was in a suit and was at a very boring looking work meeting. Her actions didn't really align with what she was saying. But most important I'd been sitting where I could see a reflection into the corridor between the restaurant and the toilets (there were swinging doors separating the corridor from the restaurant itself).

So when she was giving her usual dramatic stick, I knew every word of it was a lie. As you'll know people who are narcissistic lie a lot and they'll crucify you if they get called out on the lie (which is why I didn't say anything). It was just another throwaway bit of attention for her but it could've ruined that guy's life.

Just please don't believe her rubbish. Contact your real dad and give him a chance. As for the flying monkeys in your family, none of them are worth your time, honestly, I'm in the same kind of position as you but I've removed myself psychologically from it. You're too good to sink a bottle of wine and waste time writing to these people. Leave them in their toxic cesspool. They're not good for you at all.

Your dad may not know, my oldest was born before I was married, she took my name. when we got married I had to re register her birth to change to his surname. She was his daughter but your dad may have thought you were his and was none the wiser.

You don’t understand narcissistic abuse. This isn’t relevant here.

Well done, I’m genuinely delighted for you.

She wouldn’t be blowing the whole family up. Her mother has done that already- and I mean by ostracising her daughter. It’s a horrific thing to do and good dose of the truth will put things right, so that the right person faces the consequences of their actions

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.
Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. [...]
When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

Cut your mother and father out of your life completely. Simply never contact them again. If they contact you, keep the conversation as short as possible and give very vague answers to any questions.
You could tell them you are cutting them out, but that would just cause drama, so just do it without telling them.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back).
Forget your brother. Don't bother contacting him again.

Get in touch with your sister and explain that Mum is making up lies about the loans and whatever else she has lied about, and you don't know why.
DON'T tell her about the DNA thing. She doesn't need to know.
If your sister understands, that is great. If not, then don't bother with her in the future either.

It may end up that you have no family left that you are in contact with.
So be it. You don't want these people in your life if they are not supporting you.
Make your own life without them, and concentrate on finding and looking after a circle of friends.

At this point you're already the bad person. There is nothing left to lose with regards to your family. I would absolutely out her lies.
There's every chance your dad knows about this already. The lack of protecting his own children makes me wonder if this was his way of saying "she's not my child anyway".
The fact she lies so easily makes me not believe the rape claims. I think it was used as a means to and ending that would work in her favour. I could be wrong but given her abusive history and lying about serious illness, I wouldn't believe her saying the sky is blue without checking myself.

I wouldn't do any of this by message. I would use food old fashioned snail mail. Print off the proof and distribute it as necessary. This way nothing can be intercepted and there is no chance of her having a solid explanation.

There's a high possibility that you'll be seen as the one in the wrong here. You need to know that is not the case. Anyone who sides with her over this isn't worth being on our life.

Just a thought though, I'd encourage your siblings to have their DNA tested as well. Regardless of how you were eventually conceived, there was a relationship. There was an affair. She has form and I wouldn't put it past her to have more than one affair.

Suck it up?! Jesus. Her mother has falsely led her to beleive she was the product of rape. Things weren't that different!

I would contact the new father if it was me, and not wait too long.

His side of the story is more plausible given how much he knows doesn't line up with being a one night stand, and he's not already a proven liar.

Such a hard post not to comment on Op.
It sounds like your mother was having an affair, got pregnant then got proposed to. Hoped you were her husbands to be and that was it until you did your Ancestry search, and shit herself! Tried to placate you with tears and sob story of rape, but just to make sure you kept your mouth shut, started to make up crap about you so no one will believe you if you say anything as you can't be trusted.
I would feel very angry. Tell the rest of your family, go NC with your mother and start a relationship with my Real biological Dad. If I were you. 💐

Personally, based on all of your posts, I think your mother is lying to you. And trying to make you look like an awful human being to your family to set you up to go ... oh, and without saying anything that outs her as a cheater.

I'd post your DNA results on the family chat, lay it out there, and say you're done with covering for your mother. Then block all of them for a while.

But then again, nuclear works for me. It may not for you.

Since your biological father knew your godfather at the time, I wonder if it is worth having a chat with him? I know your Mum wouldn't like it, but she's not exactly reacting well right now.

Personally I'd give mum an ultimatum, she starts telling the truth or the beans get spilled.

I haven't read the whole thread, but am curious to know if your siblings have had DNA tests?