I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

I don’t think that sending a drunken text is a good idea despite the fact that your rage is completely understandable. You mum and her job also sound like you don’t really want to mess with her too much. So I if I were you, I would catch up with your siblings and those whom you want to keep a relationship with. I’m sure they all know what she’s like. And tell them the truth, show receipts etc. rather than just hearsay. Don’t tell your dad - as he’s under her thumb I’m sure he would rather believe a twisted truth.

Hi OP there’s a podcast series called DNA surprises that might help you. There are many stories similar to yours on there. I think these are called something like PNE events? Paternity not expected.

Was the morning after pill around 30 odd years ago .

@Buttonsmum67 would you consider a 1-1 with your dad, show him the ancestry info and reassure him of your feelings towards him (love respect etc what ever) then meet with the siblings extended fam and get this out in the open for your sake the sake of your children and long term honesty?
i too doubt your mothers story and see her excuse as a socially acceptable one vs infidelity.

Why would you want a relationship with this woman if she’s as bad as you describe?

She will never change - do you think the other siblings are your fathers?

I’ve not read all the posts, I’ve read yours and want to send you a massive hug. Your mother is clearly very manipulative and a narcissist, growing up around her must have been hard (I too have had years of counselling due to my mothers behaviours and divisive behaviour).

She’s gone way too far trying to freeze you out and control the narrative, if you are able, somehow, to speak to your non biological father then that needs to happen. She’s hit the destruct button willing to ruin his and yours relationships…now you have to speak your truth if you want a chance of a relationship with them again. Your mum is playing games of control, you don’t need to play or consider her rules.

its very difficult for people who haven’t grown up in an environment with a parent like this to comprehend it.

I clicked YABU but only because you are covering for this evil woman!!

Her rape lies are just beyond disgusting.

As many posters have said, it certainly was.

I would never give my DNA away just for 'fun'. I can imagine these data breaches will happen more and more.

Your mother is clearly lying - I trust what you are saying and I have read many threads on narcissist.
Not sure how you deal with this - xx
.

No, I was born out of wedlock, and have 2 birth certificates, the first one and then another after they married, I have no doubt that my bio father is the man who is on my birth certs and raised me.

If she’s acting that way I’d reckon he doesn’t have a clue.

My mother is a high flying career woman within the police

Good grief! That is worrying. She sounds completely deranged.

If what she said is indeed true, she would surely be reassuring you and talking things through with you, not carrying out a hate campaign. If it's not true, well.. that's just so fucked up on so many levels. She would rather have her daughter believe she was conceived as a result of rape than tell the truth? Either way it sounds like you'd be better off without this woman in your life. In your shoes I would tell the rest of the family the truth, calmly, and provide them with the evidence you have.

This.

So much misunderstanding of Ancestry DNA tests and similar.

They are not paternity tests and have never been marketed as paternity tests in the Jeremy Kyle meaning.

When you do the test you have to opt out of showing your matches but that's fine because nearly everyone who does the tests is doing purely to find matches! These tests can be hugely helpful in building your family tree and researching distant branches.

Some people will have lots of matches, others very few. My closest match is a second cousin - our grandparents were siblings. Ancestry will not say "here is John and he's your cousin on your mum's side". Ever. They will say "you match X number of cM with this person, and based on the information both of you have on your trees, he's most likely to be a cousin. But with 800cM of shared DNA he could also be a cousin once removed, a half first cousin, a half niece/nephew". It is up to YOU to work out how these people fit into your tree. In the OP's case, a grandparent relationship is fairly close and as this man has already tested, there are not many other possibilities.

It's not a scam, or a con, or "doesn't work". All the tests are doing is looking at your DNA code and looking for matches in other people's pieces of DNA code. The more segments you have matching, the closer the relationship. When you spit in the tube and send it away you do not tell them what you are trying to achieve.

The ethnicity estimate is just that, an estimate, a bit of fun and nobody who has any interest in genealogy research takes it seriously in any way.

What about poor OP? Mother is lying to the family about her and ensuring that they all ostracise her because Mother doesn't want everyone to know about how she conceived OP.

OP, in your position, I would be inclined to meet bio father and when you've got your head sorted out, have a private meeting with Dad, bringing your relevant paperwork, and asking him what he knows and if he supports Mother's attempt to cut you off. If he does, then the parents who brought you up are no parents to you at all and you have some big decisions to make about how much you are going to allow them to hurt you. At least you will know exactly where you stand.

i wouldn’t involve anyone else except your mum
and dad. Tell your mum unless she deals with the truth, you’ll speak with your dad about it but I’d give her a chance to make it right.

OP, obviously this is a horrible situation, whatever the truth turns out to be. I do think this is something that is best explored with your therapist, rather than mumsnet, as supportive as we can be - there is a lot at stake here in terms of your family relationships.

Tell them. There's a time to take the high road and a time to fight back and I think this is one of those times.

What a stupid answer! If her mum has kept this secret, her whole life has been a lie. Her medical history is a lie, her dna history, her ancestry is all a lie. She deserves to hold her mother responsible and get the answers she and her own children deserve. Imagine not knowing where you come from, I couldn’t live like that and no one should have to, that’s literally the point of these dna websites.

Honestly your dad would be mortified that your Mum has put you through all of this to protect herself. You’re not wrong when you say she’s a Queen narc. I’d tell my Dad. You never know, he alight be utterly miserable too and you might be setting him free. Life is too short for all this. She may be your mum but you don’t like her (and you don’t have to) so set yourself free from her and her behaviour.

I’d tell your dad and ask this biological man what happened based on what your mother has said.

its not your secret. Let it come out and I have a feeling the truth will find its way out too.

Hi OP, I've only read your comments not everyone else's but I'm in almost the exact same position- same age and found out a few years back that another man may/may not be my dad. My dad's aware of the potential and my mum is slightly less dramatic than yours so I do have it much easier.

From what you've said, respectfully, I wouldn't believe your mums story at all and I'm sorry you spent that time thinking you were the product of rape. That can do a lot to a person. Your mum sounds like a stereotypical boat rocker and your dad likely a boat steadier. He's forgotten what solid ground feels like so it's now his nature to run to help her. He likely knew of an affair but I can't see how the birth certificate shows he knew of your potential parentage especially with your mums response - or she told him a DNA test had already been done and would now be found out. I wouldn't tell him honestly. I don't think it would be worth the pain but that does put you in an awful situation.

Going back to the boat rocker analogy, you and your siblings are born boat steadiers and have never felt solid ground. You now realising her true self pulls you away from this role but likely increases the steadying done by the rest that stayed. They may blame you for this instead of her who is actually rocking the boat.

Can you speak to your brother? You don't have to tell him anything but don't lose any of them for her. Well done for standing up to her. I know this was a big deal.

I don't buy that your mum was assaulted, narcs will say anything

I'm sorry you're dealing with this

I would ask the man to do a DNA test to fully confirm paternity and have that ready before you tell your dad anything

Honestly I'd send a picture of the results to every family member and advise them to get a DNA test.

Nuke the lot of them!