I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

An Ancestry DNA test can tell you who your parents are if they have tested as well. In this instance, the unknown father has independently tested and has been identified as the biological father. The OP has his name because he chose to use his name on the test. I have tested as have my parents - none of our tests have our real names on, only initials (my choice). My uncle, however, has used his real name.
An Ancestry or My Heritage DNA test will not be able to identify any relative if they have not tested on that site. This is not the first time that someone has taken the test for fun and has been unexpectedly matched with a paternal stranger.

Firstly I would imagine your Dad knew about the affair and the fact you were not his child but wanted to keep you and bring you up as his own. Your Mother had decided to re-write history for her own benefit (not attacked, had an affair).
From your perspective and the perspective of your family nothing has changed, your Dad is still your Dad ( not biologically but in every other sense of the word). Your Mum has given you her story and asked you to keep it a secret. For the sake of your family I would do so. What do you have to gain by texting (really texting?) other family members to let them know.
The only person suffering here is you, as you are estranged from your family.
Heal the rift and stop your search for the truth because you already have it, your parents want to keep this secret which they have kept for over 35 years, give them that.
Contact your biological Father if this is your wish (your parents don't need to know) and hopefully enjoy getting to know him.
I wish you well and I wish you peace OP.

This totally, this.

Hmmm
I would spend more of my energy in trying to make contact with your real dad.
It's not fair what your mum has done.
I don't find her story plausible at all esp with what you described regarding the birth certificate name change.

You missed out on getting to know your real dad vice verse.

Best of luck Hun.

I used the term "fluffy nonsense" to mean specifically the claims about being 7.5% Finnish or (especially) 12% Irish, which are what I see being waved about by (mostly) Americans who do these tests. They then turn up in Dublin and expect everyone to welcome them home.

I genuinely had no idea that these tests also do direct family matching --- I certainly wouldn't call that fluffy, but given the prevalence of what researchers euphemistically call "paternity discrepancy", I think that taking such a test might well be a minefield, as OP has found out. I'm even more glad than before that I have not touched this with a bargepole.

Morning after pill wasn't readily available then!

Apparently I have indeed been hiding under a rock. The whole thing sounds so dangerous that I can't believe anyone would take the risk of finding out, unless they had suspicions and wanted certainty. There must be thousands of families getting torn apart by this.

Yes it was. It came out in 1984 here. You had to get it from the dr but it was available.

It was launched (with considerable fanfare at the time) in the UK in 1984. https://www.ellaone.co.uk/magazine/features/the-brief-history-of-contraception/

(That said, DM's version sounds less plausible to me than biological Dad's.)

I think you need to let everyone know the real situation but it sounds like she will still deny it and continue to alienate you from your family but at least then you will know you did your best to be transparent with everyone. Whobis to say she didn't have other affairs? Simultaneously, I would continue to establish a relationship with your bio dad as he sounds like a genuinely nice, caring person. Maybe this could be the silver lining?

Firstly, so sorry you’re going through this. I really recommend getting some therapy sessions booked with someone qualified to help you through, because it’s going to help.

I had an Ancestry DNA test in 2020. It es given to me for Christmas from my boss at the time who was massively into genealogy.

I did it and when I got the results back a 100% match for a sister came back. One which I’d never known.

I have a decent relationship with my mother, but she was 16 when she had me. Then she got pregnant with my sister that came up on this test, then with my sister who I grew up with.

Two kids by 17 was too much and she gave the middle sister up for adoption.

My mom was honest about it when I spoke to her, it was still a lot to deal with.

What you’re going through is a lot more intense. You need a good support network around you. People who don’t have emotional ties to it with a reason to coerce you into believing one narrative or the other, while you navigate your own feelings.

OP, I feel for you

I really think you should message every member of the family who has cut you out with a short, factual account of what's happened.

Whether she was raped or not is beside the point. In fact, as you say in your original message - if she was you have just found out you could be the product of rape and then you lost everyone! It's heart breaking for you.

But I'd just say - "we did these ancestry tests, I asked mum about it and she got very upset with me. Since then she has made up lies to turn everyone against me - and presumably stop this information coming out.

I feel heartbroken I've lost my whole family. In the spirit of christmas I hope we can all start talking again - regardless of DNA you are my family"

I’d send every member of the family my DNA results. Let the bitch burn tbh. She’s vile

Meet the man. More likely you will get a truer version of events... Your dm sounds like mine... Been nc for best part of 20 years.. And screen shot the results and send them to your family....

Contact your mum and tell her that she needs to tell your dad the truth or you will tell him and the rest of the family. Give her a timescale. That is the most reasonable you can do, giving her one more opportunity to put it right. She probably won’t or she will stick to the rape story (this man’s behaviour after you contacted him does not sound like a rapist to me). But at least you’ll know you have her a chance. Don’t lose the rest of your family over this.

"Hers to keep?!?!?" Are you having a laugh?!?! OP had every right to know who her biological father is! It was the polar opposite of her secret to keep!

Good grief

I'd be careful OP, because a narcissist will go to any lengths to protect themselves. You know she will have absolutely no problem throwing you under the bus and she will have no problem making out she is the victim even if it was consensual.

If you bring this out into the open she is going to double down on the story that she was attacked. She will be the victim in this. If you suggest otherwise then she will paint you in a very bad light for implying she's lying about being raped and not being understanding or supportive about the terrible ordeal she has supposedly been through.

Narcissists make it very, very hard for you to 'win' OP. She will play this and your father for one is likely to be completely taken in by her. He will see her as the victim and then together they will do all they can to make you look bad. How the rest of the family responds depends on their view of your mum - if they don't know what she's really like then they could end up taking the side of your parents.

Even now you should re-register the birth a
If you have got married to the father after the original registering of the birth

Absolute nonsense! This is wildly incorrect

Burn the bridge and cut the whole lot of them out. It’s all utterly toxic anyway.

Tell your mother you have the dna test and a letter from your biological dad and unless she stops lying about you borrowing money and stopping to seeing the family with her nonsense you are going to be forced to tell them all what is really happening.

Her mother sounds horrendous and a complete narcissistic, manipulating, nasty, lying self centred woman. I’m actually shocked anyone has your attitude unless you’re her mother or sympathise with her mother becoming pregnant during an affair!! It’s absolutely NOT her mothers secret to keep, OP is the result of that secret and has every right to know who her bio dad is. This woman sounds exactly like my cousin, she makes up random shit and dramatises situations to get herself out of a hole, compulsive liar and a dangerous person who has absolutely no issues landing others is serious trouble with her lies!! They would do and say anything to save their own skin, it’s beyond disgusting. If I’d to place my money on it, id be backing the bio dads version just going on all the things OP has said her mother has lied about. The fact now she’s totally ostracised OP from the family by manipulating everyone into turning their back on her just shows how far she’ll go to avoid everyone finding out what type of person she is. The fact she claimed she took the MAP and then 2 months later found out she was pregnant so assumed OP was her husbands baby is laughable. OP has nothing left to lose at this stage, blow the whole thing out of the water, when your dad has even turned his back on you on your Mother’s say so and you’ve done nothing wrong then everyone needs to be told the truth. I’m sure it’s not too hard to find people from their past that will confirm the affrair because there’s definitely people would’ve known about it, likely including aunts, uncles etc

I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any of this. Your mum sounds truly awful.

Haven't RTFT buy my questions are:

Why has your brother not invited you? Can you ask him?

Who has your mum lied to re: you borrowing money? Surely your siblings and possibly her own siblings know your mum well enough to know she could be making things up?

Could you say to your mum that she needs to tell everyone the truth and clear up this bullshit hate campaign against you or you'll be forced to explain why she's done it in the first place?

@Buttonsmum67 I’ve read all of your posts but not everyone else’s, as I’ll admit I got frustrated with those missing the point. I just wanted to say that people who aren’t in these situations find it hard to comprehend them and so offer useless comments and I didn’t want you to start second guessing yourself.

Professionals with lots of experience dealing with narcs would confirm you did exactly the right thing in not approaching her in person where she would then be able to twist what you’re saying and manipulate and confuse you. Writing down what you want to say is ideal if you must have contact.

I’m sorry for the people who have been pointing out trends regarding women reporting rape. I imagine most people know it is a devastatingly underreported crime and often women aren’t believed. However, you absolutely have the right to probe into whether or not she is lying, as finding out you are the product of an affair is very different to finding out you are the product of rape.

I’m not sure why people are so against Ancestry.com either. I have a very complex family background and did a DNA test to try to identify a more accurate heritage and connect some dots. It’s a great concept and it wouldn’t ’cause problems’ if people were honest in the first place. You have a right to know where you come from.