I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

This 100%

I don't think it was that high by the 1980s.

have you been hiding under a rock @samarrange ? This has been the case for many years. If I give consent to my name being matched to living relatives then it will be given to anyone who also gives consent and wants matches.

It's been used for years on Long Lost Family (ITV) as a tool to find unknown parents/children/siblings. The BBC have had a couple of series of radio shows / podcasts on exactly cases like the OPs - where families have been blown apart by discoveries. It's called "the Gift" - because people are given these tests as presents and get more than the giver bargained for. Here is the latest series https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/p0gd2dgb

No. Lies cause the trouble. @Buttonsmum67 has done nothing wrong.

What an absolute mess!

I think you're dad already knows or at least suspects and doesn't care to find out.

You're already ostracised, so have nothing to lose in blowing the whole thing up. They'll likely continue ignoring you for liftingthelif on familysecrets, but that's no worse than the situation now. At least you'll feel suitably justified in your actions.

@samarrange many people, including me, do our DNA on these sites because we are looking for relatives. For example I can't find any trace of my grandfather's birth. I know when he died, I know when he married my grandmother, I know his 1st World War service, but I can't find a birth record, despite finding him on the 1921 census. I hoped I would find a person who I'm related to by doing the DNA test. So far no luck! I think the man was a bit of a rogue!
But most of us do it for that reason, and know we might find something unusual.

You are wrong. I did one and it often comes up with a name and then says probably daughter or second cousin or third cousin. It is always correct. It really isn’t ’fluffy nonsense’.

The truth will always out and there's no point trying to hide it, especially now that your mother knows you know and is behaving so irrationally and unfairly.

I'd tell everyone and get it over with - it's all just a matter of time anyway. SHe's tyrannising you with her behaviour and the only way to stop that is to get the truth out there sooner rather than later. Let them all make of it whatever they want.
Your Dad might eventually accept that it was before they married anyway. He might have suspected and just learned to live with it. Who knows? But best to have the truth out so you all know what you are dealing with and he can make decisions accordingly armed with the truth and your mum has to stop with her shenanigans.

Basically, disempower her by getting the truth out there and taking control.

@Buttonsmum67

I think the first thing I'd do is gather what info I could. I'd start with asking your putative father how/where he met your mother, the approximate dates of the affair, where they were living at the time. You know, to build as 'concrete' a picture as you can of the affair. See if what he says 'makes sense' to you compared to what you know about your mum's whereabouts & activities at the time. Since your mum & dad weren't married when you were born, I assume you may not know the 'timetable' of their relationship back then. Was she sleeping with both? Did the affair end & their relationship begin soon enough to 'bamboozle' your dad into thinking you were his?

As far as her rape allegation, I really don't think so. A perp would probably either deny and/or admit to a consensual ONS, but a protracted 2 month affair? I doubt they'd go that far, it would be too easy to disprove.

Anyway, I'd get as good of a timetable as I could to set my mind at rest as far as the affair. What I'd do with that information, IDK. I'd be tempted to tell my mother that unless she publicly and 'proveably' retracts all her nastiness to the wider family I was going to go nuclear with the information. Or I'd simply message/see my dad, show him the DNA test, and ask "Did you know this?".

Unfortunately, your father (non-biological) has sided with your mother. At that point, I'd say it was time to come clean. It's not your burden to bear, either way, and there's absolutely no reason for all this secrecy. If your mother's telling the truth, it sounds like your father will stay with her. If she's lying, he'll either be in denial or forgive her... or not. In any event, it's not fair to put you and your children in this position. I'd put it all out in the open. I wouldn't expect your cowardly parents to do what's right, regardless, but at least I'd say my piece!

Wow that Ancestry link then links off to a whole charity that is solely designated to help people with a "not parent expected" event on these tests! https://npefellowship.org/

I thought these "DNA ancestry" tests just told you that you are 7.5% Finnish or 18% Ruritanian or some such fluffy nonsense.

People are incredibly naive if they think this is all they do. They have your DNA profile.

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20240212-dna-testing-what-happens-if-your-genetic-data-is-hacked

She’s not blowing up the family tho is she. The mother is blowing up the family with her lies! Things were not that different in 1986!

Shes deliberately ostracising you now that you know. I’d argue that it isn’t her secret to keep, it’s yours. If she’d behaved even slightly reasonably in recent times I might be tempted to stay silent but , in these circumstances I’d feel forced to stick up for my honour and tell the truth. That way you might at least have a chance of keeping a relationship with your siblings!

I think the rape allegation was designed to garner your sympathy and to embroiled you into this victim centered joint secret. Put some of the responsibility of the conception and fall out on you.

I think it's a manipulation tool, that doesn't make sense in the wider circumstances. I think if it all comes out, she will double down on that version of events, but rather than formally report it, she will instead allude to the allegation, rather than come out and say it. Smoke and mirrors diffusion of responsibility.

I don't think she will "own" the allegation.

If the rest of the family want a peaceful life or are brainwashed by her, they may stand by her version of events. It's the only version of events that maintain her dignity.

Is there any value in speaking to her directly, telling her you can work through this together, but she has to stop with the lies. It ll tear the family apart. Ask her to quit the smear campaign.

I would cut through all the BS and tell your mum that unless you are welcomed back into the family with open arms before Christmas, including being invited to your brothers wedding with a seat at the head table, you are sending everything to everyone and letting them decide.

Let her work out how to explain her change of heart. Irrespective of the father, you are her daughter and you deserve more.

What about the biological father and his family? Everyone’s suggesting that OP should tell their dad (the mom’s husband), expose the truth to the entire family, and maybe even gain a connection with the biological father’s family. But it’s not that straightforward. If his family finds out he fathered a child through an affair, it could cause serious upheaval on their end too.

To be blunt, I see two possible outcomes here. First, OP tells her family, who will hopefully rally around her and ultimately cut ties with the mother for being manipulative and dishonest. Or second, the family sides with the mother, refuses to believe OP, and nothing improves for the OP—except the truth is finally out.

I would cut through all the BS and tell your mum that unless you are welcomed back into the family with open arms before Christmas, including being invited to your brothers wedding with a seat at the head table, you are sending everything to everyone and letting them decide.

Not sure if that would make the family turn against Op even more tbh.

I did 23andMe with one of my sisters. I told her I was just interested in our heritage but in truth I look adopted, I do not look anything like my sisters who could be twins in looks, I am literally the complete opposite and I have green eyes which gave me a less than 1% chance of having them given my parents and grandparents eye colour.

My Mum was also very religious and vocal about being against abortion even in the case of rape so that was a thought I had. 23andMe confirmed I am indeed a full biological sister thank goodness and I was glad to know definitively.

I had my full profile and then you can opt in to share your results and also opt in to share your full profile which includes things like potential hereditary conditions. Each time you agree it does say you need to consider the potential issues that could arise or something like that, it is a while ago now. I opted to share my profile but not my full medical details. Once my sister shared her info we matched. I have 3rd and 4th cousins on there and was contacted by a distant cousin in the US for information.

OP you have done nothing wrong.

OP - Surely you're mum still can't be a high up police officer... You said she was 28 when you were conceived in 1986...that would make her 67ish now which is well past retirement age for the vast majority of cops and would need special permission to stay at that age?

We found out lots of secrets because of ancestry dna tests.

My cousin found out her dad is not her dad.

My mum ended up with another auntie, she had 5 kids and those adult children (in their 60s) also have adult kids who have kids.

It would have been scandalous in those days to have kids outside marriage.

It's really not to be done without lots of thought because it could and does open a can of worms.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all of this

I, personally, would write the same letter to every member of my family that is currently freezing you out, enclose copies of both DNA information. Keep it short and to the point, no slagging off of your Mother but in no uncertain terms say that it's untrue what she is accusing you of

Also meet your Dad face to face, take a friend/partner/unbiased family member for support and ask for his version of things in writing

Then you've fought your corner
You've said your truth and hopefully people will start to come round

@Buttonsmum67 ??
Apologies if my wording was clumsy, as I was simply agreeing with your point that "....so it doesn't sound like a random attack, but then again obviously attacks can also happen within consensual relationships"

I absolutely HAD read your post, and my sympathies are with you.
Because (whilst your mother's versions of events is unlikely given your description of her nature) regardless of whether it was an attack or affair or even ONS that your mother has tried to conceal all these years, her fearful desperatation to discredit you and sabatage your relationships with your entire family, is truly dispicable of her. I hope in time they all come to realise this and embrace you as the sibling/daughter/niece you've always been.