I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

Yes, the MAP was available, on appointment from family planning clinics and the like, (i.e. not over the counter at chemist shops) in the very late 1970s. I took it in 1979.

Slightly confused as we have done the ancestry DNA test. It told us about our heritage and possible DNA links but can't tell us who our parents are?

Indeed, majority of rape victims are aquainted with their attackers.... whether in a 'relationship' or not.

You (and your DNA) are clear evidence intercourse occurred, so a guilty attacker would be a fool to do anything other than paint as strong a picture of a consensual affair as possible.
Looking at things objectively:
Your biological Father knowing all these facts and presenting the affair scenario neither proves NOR disproves an attack on your mother.

Oh yes it was!

Yes, this

It will only tell you if you are building your family tree and have opted in to have your matches sent to you. I did mine and have found relatives all over the world, we are clearly very distant relations, but I also have cousins who are doing their family trees so we matched.

What has happened in this case is the OP’s biological father had already tested so when she looked at her matches she could see that her biological father had tested.

OP I am so sorry this has happened and those blaming the OP are way out of line. This is not her fault and there were other ways for her Mother to handle it.

I took it in 1986 (also failed for me) so was available then

Yeah, yeah, yeah - go scorched earth

Perhaps I'm missing something, but: I thought these "DNA ancestry" tests just told you that you are 7.5% Finnish or 18% Ruritanian or some such fluffy nonsense. (It's fluffy nonsense for a number of reasons, but principally because they compare your alleles with those that are more prevalent in contemporary Ruritania, not what was prevalent when your alleged ancestors lived there.)

There are also specific paternity tests, but those rely on having the DNA of the child and the father (or at least, the presumed father) and they they say either yes or no, that person is or isn't the father.

So I'm trying to work out how this company got hold of the biological father's DNA with his name on it, and then sent his name out just like that with the results of a "fun present". Apart from anything else these tests are not 100% reliable across a large number of tests and a false positive could lead to disaster. There are obvious monumental ethical implications to this sort of thing.

@Buttonsmum67 can you give the name of the company? I'd like to see what kind of disclaimers/warnings/privacy protection they provide on their website.

That's really not how rape reporting and action in relation to it takes (or took) place - however senior the person is in the police/law enforcement. Not saying g your mother is telling the truth but it certainly would not have been a walk in the park and a chorus of "I believe you"

Yes it does, if the parents have done a test also and consent to their matches being able to view them it shows full names.

Huh? I am not saying that? I am saying I have found out and my mother is cutting me out of the family since finding out. Please read the post before commenting.

You are absolutely within your rights to clear your name, which has been disgustingly smeared by someone you should be able to completely trust. And it is all because your mum has been caught out in a massive lie.

If/when you do it, make a copy of your DNA test, a brief, factual statement about your initial conversation with your mum, and her reaction, as well as your conversation with your new dad (details about the affair, which refutes her rape accusation), as well as her horrific lies about you after you confronted her, and send all of this to each relevant family member.

Then sit back and enjoy the show. Those who know what your mum is like will believe you, and those who are like your dad (also including your brother) will support your mum.

Would I do it? Yes. My mum is similar to your mum and I suffered for years until I realised she was completely uninterested and also unable to be a decent, honest parent.

Edit: typo

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

Go NC with the lot of them. Honestly, as someone in my 30s with similar parents, there isn't another way out of this. It's really hard to start with, but then it gets easier and easier, and eventually you get clarity and happiness that you could never have imagined before.

Your mum sounds awful regardless of all of this and your non-biological dad will always put her first by the sounds of things. Your biological Dad may be worth meeting up with to see if you want a relationship, but you don't have to rush that decision, or start making it now.

Have a glass of wine and decide that this is the moment that you stop being blamed and abused, and stop playing these games. Then just go NC. It's the only way you'll ever get any peace or happiness.

Its Ancestry.com

You can opt in to have your personal details sent to matches that are made and show you the connection. Of course they can only show you matches who have also tested and consented with Ancestry.com

No - they only state the match if the customer explicitly consents to their data being uploaded for 'matching'. Otherwise it's not visible

https://support.ancestry.com/s/article/AncestryDNA-Matches?language=en_US

No, it wouldn't necessarily. It used to be the case you had a to re-register a birth if the parents subsequently married (might still be the case, I'm not sure).

Yes.

One of my cousins has contacted distant cousins all over the world as a result of her test. (She - and they - are heavily into genealogy.)

Does your biological dad have any proof they were together for a couple of months? Photos/videos together where it's obviously mutual, letters maybe, a mutual friend who knew about them?

From what you've said in your posts about your mum's reactions and lies to things, I wouldn't be inclined to believe her side of the story currently.

In what way do you think "things were different in 1986!".

Thanks. I find it positively scary that they can do that without explicit opt-in permission of the provider of the DNA (as far as I can see, the default is for it to be visible, and not everyone will be sufficiently clued up to turn it off). There are statistics about how many babies are born each year where the biological father is not who everyone thinks it is (or claims to), and from memory it's more like 7% than 0.007%.

I wish you and your family strength in dealing with this horrible can of worms. 🙏

Don't drink the wine but don't be controlled by your mother. Write to everyone. Tell them the truth. Why the hell should you take this shit because your mother is a cheat?

Your family get one chance to come round and apologise.

I'm really sorry OP. Given your mothers behaviour in the past and now there is a good chance she is lying about the rape. I would talk to your biological father.