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Original poster

To think that *Some men steal the joy

402 replies

Vodkaandpepsimax · 08/12/2024 21:49

Out of life?

I see it around me, with friend’s husbands and then often have it at home with mine and also grew up with a dad who veered between super fun, very imaginative and funny to very grumpy…It would feel like a lot revolved around his mood, whereas mum stayed pretty constant (or pretended to be at least)
Yesterday, trying to get all christmassy (I enjoy it all and especially for dd, 6’s sake) went to a christmas event, Dh silent in the car, me singing along awkwardly with dd to a Mr Tumble xmas cd. It was very busy when we arrived, lots of time to park, yes annoying, but dh so moody about it, I offer to drive/park, he snaps back. Complains about queues for the hot chocolate…just takes the joy out of the experience. I’ve booked for just dd and I to go to see The Nutcracker as I know it will be a much nicer, special experience just us, but obviously need to do things as a family.
Anyone else in this situation

OP posts:
gannett · 09/12/2024 13:01

5128gap · 09/12/2024 12:33

Exactly. Before you marry them you're living an entirely different life when you largely do as you please. They don't have to spend bank holidays at the petting farm, and Sundays are pub lunches not soft play. It's the time of their lives, so what do they have to sacrifice, compromise or be miserable about? I think the idea that you should have known spectacularly misses this.

Show quote history

If I was having the time of my life and then had to swap it for sacrifice, compromise, petting zoos and soft play, I would be a grumpy mare too.

Of course these men should have thought of that before they became parents and I've no idea why they didn't. But I sympathise with the basic reason for their grumpiness.

5128gap · 09/12/2024 13:04

GreyCarpet · 09/12/2024 12:56

Wel, my brother is a grumpy bastard but he's never been any different. He wasn't as bad when he was younger but, if you listened, the signs were all there.

I know a couple of men who are like this but they were the same in their 20s and 30s and long before children came along. They were always the sort of men who would do stuff if they wanted to but found reasons not to if they didn't. Always the sort of men who weren't quite as enthusiastic about their partner's interests as their own. Always the sort of men who were a bit selfish in some way.

People might become 'more' but they don't generally completely change.

I think there's enough women saying they do change to conclude there is a pattern personally. People in general change as they become more complacent, stop showing their best selves, as their lives become less to their liking, their freedoms curtailed. The child raising years can be very hard work, restrictive, expensive, and the 'rewards' of 'family fun' are not everyone's cup of tea. There are enough anecdotes and observations to get a strong sense that men often navigate these changes less positively than women, are less prepared to shelve their own needs and are less able to find joy in the happiness of others when a thing is not their preference.

GreyCarpet · 09/12/2024 13:06

It also puts the blame on women, as per usual, for men’s shit behaviour.

Women aren't ever responsible for men's behaviour but if someone has signs of a character trait you dislike, don't ignore it at the dating stage.

justasking111 · 09/12/2024 13:09

UmbrellaEllaEllaElla · 09/12/2024 10:05

My friends beautiful daughter has a moody boyfriend and she's only 18. Their train was cancelled and instead of making the best of it he took his mood out on her the whole way down. She's beautiful and a great person, much more so than him.

My friends beautiful daughter dated misery guts every time. She worked for the BBC had top stars (normal). Asking her for a date. But no she chose and was broken hearted by short ugly men. She eventually married one is renowned in the industry, unlike him. We only see him at Christmas thank goodness because he's so unpleasant to her.

Her earnings are triple plus his yet she's a doormat in his presence. I grieve for that beautiful little girl I held in my arms.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/12/2024 13:43

I also think there is a huge expectation these days particularly those with kids under 14 on 'doing stuff' and being at activities a lot. All this takes cash in many cases and time and some parents combined with working hardly have time to breathe- particularly women it seems. All these mentions of making memories, making magic , payments for kids multiple activities etc . My parents did very little with us in the mid 60s to late 70s - and had an awful lot of holidays on their own whilst we went to grandparents. I'm not saying this is right by the way, just how times have changed . I think a lot of men ( and some women- but less) like the idea of 'a family' but the reality is quite different to what they expected and many find it tedious if they have to be involved in things of no interest to them - and instead of just'sucking it up' - become real joysuckers who have no qualms either in making everyone else's life 'walking on eggshells' - whereas my parents going back to that example were quite happy to palm us off and be involved rather 'part time'

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/12/2024 13:46

GreyCarpet · 09/12/2024 13:06

It also puts the blame on women, as per usual, for men’s shit behaviour.

Women aren't ever responsible for men's behaviour but if someone has signs of a character trait you dislike, don't ignore it at the dating stage.

Exactly.

If a woman selects an arsehole as her mate, that IS on her. And if she chooses to saddle her kids with an arsehole of a father, she is a perpetrator, not a victim.

DBD1975 · 09/12/2024 14:15

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/12/2024 13:46

Exactly.

If a woman selects an arsehole as her mate, that IS on her. And if she chooses to saddle her kids with an arsehole of a father, she is a perpetrator, not a victim.

Show quote history

Slightly harsh! 😲

DBD1975 · 09/12/2024 14:28

Crikeyalmighty · 09/12/2024 13:43

I also think there is a huge expectation these days particularly those with kids under 14 on 'doing stuff' and being at activities a lot. All this takes cash in many cases and time and some parents combined with working hardly have time to breathe- particularly women it seems. All these mentions of making memories, making magic , payments for kids multiple activities etc . My parents did very little with us in the mid 60s to late 70s - and had an awful lot of holidays on their own whilst we went to grandparents. I'm not saying this is right by the way, just how times have changed . I think a lot of men ( and some women- but less) like the idea of 'a family' but the reality is quite different to what they expected and many find it tedious if they have to be involved in things of no interest to them - and instead of just'sucking it up' - become real joysuckers who have no qualms either in making everyone else's life 'walking on eggshells' - whereas my parents going back to that example were quite happy to palm us off and be involved rather 'part time'

Agree to a degree. I don't really remember my parents playing with us at all, we had to make our own entertainment. A Sunday outing was a trip to the tip and the car wash if we were lucky (we did have a car)!
Times have changed and needed to but the expectations on parents today appear very full on to me in terms of full-time family entertainment.
However, not everyone has children or young children and DP's are still grumpy!

Petergriffinschins · 09/12/2024 14:30

Foinye · 09/12/2024 12:11

I just got back from a winter break with 3 other families. We all have children of varying ages.

And it was just SO obvious and apparent that the women were doing the majority of the work.

The mums were the ones coming up with the ideas and adding the magic - hot chocolate, movie nights, baking cookies etc. My husband and the others just observed so much it - it’s really upset me actually. We’re all professionals who work full time. Why should the dad’s do less work? Some of the men cooked dinners but they made such a faff of it. And were thoroughly impressed by themselves.

Don’t think the mums really sat down during the day. The dads were often on the balcony chatting whilst we dealt with lost socks and putting on gloves.

Terrible really.

Why did you let them just sit on the balcony though? I’ve been in similar situations and I’ve told the dads to get off their arses.

No, you shouldn’t have to, but what the alternative? Let the mums rush around? Because fuck that.

Bettyboo111 · 09/12/2024 14:35

DP stated early on he thinks hallmark days as he calls them are 'Bollox', unauthentic, commercial endeavours.
He's an extrovert so is generally extremely proactive just not at Xmas and birthdays, Valentine's Day, etc.

KimberleyClark · 09/12/2024 14:36

justasking111 · 09/12/2024 13:09

My friends beautiful daughter dated misery guts every time. She worked for the BBC had top stars (normal). Asking her for a date. But no she chose and was broken hearted by short ugly men. She eventually married one is renowned in the industry, unlike him. We only see him at Christmas thank goodness because he's so unpleasant to her.

Her earnings are triple plus his yet she's a doormat in his presence. I grieve for that beautiful little girl I held in my arms.

Show quote history

The top stars would not necessarily have treated her any better. And being short and ugly doesn’t automatically make a man an arsehole. Handsome is as handsome does.

Compash · 09/12/2024 15:16

HardenYourHeart · 09/12/2024 11:55

I was 8 when I knew I never wanted to get married, witnessing the daily dynamic between my parents. I thought that marriage was the shortest path to misery. On some level I still feel that way.

My mother was definitely a martyr and would keep doing house duties even if she was sick or in pain. This would ofcourse couse more pain, till she finally would be in bed crying with an overdosis of painkillers.

My father had a very short fuse and especially if we were preparing to go somewhere would blow up at people or situations. All too often all of us were crying, except for him, before leaving the house. This would then require some "peacemaking" as either my mother or father or both no longer wanted to go, till we finally left the house, late as usualy, sometimes still with a bad atmosphere in the car.

I could go on, but I am glad my childhood is behind me and I am also glad I had the good sense never to get married. It's not that marriage never works, but people from families with such a dynamic inadvertently tend to recreate what they grew up in, as my parents did.

Oh, I hear you - I used to hate the obligatory argument before leaving the house! I used to get really bad stomach aches (which would be a cause for more shouting of course, as if I were 'doing it on purpose')... It was because my father didn't want to go really/was anxious/would rather be doing his hobbies, while my mother was bored senseless at home and desperate to get out...

I have to really be mindful and ground myself now so that I don't replicate that pattern in adulthood. I have to literally tell myself 'It's okay to have fun - it's okay to enjoy things - it is possible to stay calm. You are a person who's cool with going out.' 😄

The annoying thing is when someone doesn't have the maturity or consideration or will to overcome it and still kicks off like a toddler at the mercy of their inexplicable emotions...

Compash · 09/12/2024 15:20

GreyCarpet · 09/12/2024 13:06

It also puts the blame on women, as per usual, for men’s shit behaviour.

Women aren't ever responsible for men's behaviour but if someone has signs of a character trait you dislike, don't ignore it at the dating stage.

I agree that women have agency and should be able to choose to avoid a-holes. But I also know a lot of women are brought up to accept and expect bad treatment. It's a hard cycle to break out of.

HardenYourHeart · 09/12/2024 15:32

Compash · 09/12/2024 15:16

Oh, I hear you - I used to hate the obligatory argument before leaving the house! I used to get really bad stomach aches (which would be a cause for more shouting of course, as if I were 'doing it on purpose')... It was because my father didn't want to go really/was anxious/would rather be doing his hobbies, while my mother was bored senseless at home and desperate to get out...

I have to really be mindful and ground myself now so that I don't replicate that pattern in adulthood. I have to literally tell myself 'It's okay to have fun - it's okay to enjoy things - it is possible to stay calm. You are a person who's cool with going out.' 😄

The annoying thing is when someone doesn't have the maturity or consideration or will to overcome it and still kicks off like a toddler at the mercy of their inexplicable emotions...

Show quote history

You probably got the stomach aches because you were dreading the arguments.

I still often feel anxious before leaving the house. That stuff sticks with you for life.

And yes, my parents were emotionally incredibly immature. They stayed together, mostly because my mother was dependent on him financially and later for her care. My father has threatened to kill her if she left him. She left a few times when we were children, but she always came back.

5475878237NC · 09/12/2024 15:34

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/12/2024 13:46

Exactly.

If a woman selects an arsehole as her mate, that IS on her. And if she chooses to saddle her kids with an arsehole of a father, she is a perpetrator, not a victim.

Show quote history

But 92% of us are saying this is a thing and almost all of us in this situation are saying we married men who were not this way. There were no red flags at the dating stage because there was nothing for them to compromise on compared to when children come along.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/12/2024 15:35

@DBD1975 oh I agree- we haven't got kids at home and the frequent grumpiness/ moods never went away - albeit intermittent

Crikeyalmighty · 09/12/2024 15:42

@5475878237NC exactly- I doubt many of us were thinking 'oh this is an argumentative, moody, frequently grumpy guy - I must marry /live with him' - more fool those who had red flags and went ahead regardless-

It's the same with all aspects of life cheating, bad money management , porn use ,control freakish behaviour - very often these red flags aren't present for a long time or don't get discovered for many years -

I hate the presumption amongst some posters that we are all dumb fucks who were desparate and just ignored the signs - for many of us those flags were not fluttering

LonelyNessie01 · 09/12/2024 15:43

My ex husband is like this. In fact, my kids (now older teens) call him 'the dementor'. He just has a knack of sucking all the joy out of anything that wasn't fun on his terms. It was so exhausting to be around him.

Pomegranatecarnage · 09/12/2024 15:46

CatNoon · 08/12/2024 21:55

It’s because men, most men, are fundamentally far more selfish and self-centred than (most) women are. They don’t bother making an effort to enjoy something for someone else’s sake. They don’t care or can’t see or choose not to see how their foul mood affects everyone else. They feel a sense of entitlement to their grumpiness. And this seems to just get worse the older they get.

I completely agree. My father could suck the joy out of any event he wasn’t 100% enjoying, my late partner was the same and my son (although only 15) does it too. This is why I enjoy spending time with my female friends, Mum and daughter.

3luckystars · 09/12/2024 16:01

5475878237NC · 09/12/2024 15:34

But 92% of us are saying this is a thing and almost all of us in this situation are saying we married men who were not this way. There were no red flags at the dating stage because there was nothing for them to compromise on compared to when children come along.

Show quote history

you are 100% correct.

Im starting to think are all just selfish ghouls.

comingintomyown · 09/12/2024 16:08

Catbabymammy · 08/12/2024 23:08

I’m certain they do it on purpose with the intention of controlling the emotional temperature. I’ve yet to see one of these moody arseholes have moods around other men.

Thats so true

Chloe42 · 09/12/2024 16:19

100%. Mine and a lot if my friends husbands.

It would be so much better if when faced with a minor stressful situation I would have another adult also jollying things along rather than huffing and puffing. Fucks me off.

comingintomyown · 09/12/2024 16:19

My XH was always moody when faced with the odd social occasion he was expected to attend and would make heavy weather of it in spite of doing exactly what he pleased 98% of the time. He wasnt too bad with DC related stuff but if it was dinner with friends of "mine" who he wasnt bothered about he would repeatedly ask "What are we doing on Friday?" when he knew full well so he could then convey his displeasure in some passive aggressive way each time.

I have noticed in my friends DH's a tendency to increased grumpiness as times goes on, not for me 😊

GreyCarpet · 09/12/2024 17:18

I just don't believe that I'm just lucky in never having had a relationship with one of these domestic chore shirking, parenting avoiding fun suckers.

AllYearsAround · 09/12/2024 17:39

GreyCarpet · 09/12/2024 17:18

I just don't believe that I'm just lucky in never having had a relationship with one of these domestic chore shirking, parenting avoiding fun suckers.

Maybe you're just better than everyone else?

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