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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eating out with kids

86 replies

wantnoscrubs · 08/12/2024 20:56

Whenever we get together as a family at a restaurant, my sister insists on spreading her four kids around the dinner table. Her theory is that it's not fun or fair for them to be shoved on the end and this way all the adults share the load of entertaining them,. This was the case as our aunts 70th birthday meal recently and I just cringed as there were no family members there. No one ever says anything and it's so awkward. We have a family wedding coming up and will be eating together with the bride and groom on the run up to the wedding and I just dread the moment they all spread around the table. They are very lively and chatty kids and won't just sit there quietly. They are aged between 5-8 - AIBU?

OP posts:
MyJadeFinch · 08/12/2024 22:52

I think it’s fine. I would prefer to be next to a chatty, entertaining kid than an adult riddled with social anxiety, waiting for me to fill in all the pauses and bring up topics I couldn’t care less about. I would choose the chatty kid everytime.

sommerjade · 08/12/2024 22:54

I'm sadly childless, I'd quite enjoy sitting next to a child who wanted to chat to me!

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 08/12/2024 22:55

I think it's quite a nice idea, but maybe a compromise would be that the children sit in pairs amongst the adults so they can talk to each for some of the time and adults the rest.

ThisAquaCrow · 08/12/2024 22:55

MyJadeFinch · 08/12/2024 22:52

I think it’s fine. I would prefer to be next to a chatty, entertaining kid than an adult riddled with social anxiety, waiting for me to fill in all the pauses and bring up topics I couldn’t care less about. I would choose the chatty kid everytime.

Yeah give me a 6 year old over a 16-26 year old with trauma, inability to make eye contact etc any day 😆

50shadesofnay · 08/12/2024 22:59

Wouldn't bother me at all. Would much rather sit next to a chatty 5 year old that one glued to an iPad unable to make conversation. Would much rather see my sister with her children than not see her.

Would you rather she didn't come? Or do you just not want to sit with your nieces and nephews?

HealthRobinsonCrusoe · 08/12/2024 22:59

Surely the answer is just to be weird enough that the kids go back to sit with their mum? (I find this comes very naturally to me for some reason)

Spaceracers · 08/12/2024 23:02

I've seen parents dump their relatively young children at the end of the table (4 year olds) and leave them to make to small talk with whoever is next to them - so I would assume your sister is offloading her kids so she can have a nice meal! Which is ultimately selfish.

ImTheOnlyUpsyOne · 08/12/2024 23:04

I actually think it's a really good idea!

I went ro a family meal with my 2 sons recently at a restaurant, ds5 and ds7. We were coming from far and ended up being late...I would usually sit the boys next to me but when we got there there were t seats together left so we all just slotted in where we could.

They were well behaved...ds7 ordered food I wouldn't usually have ordered him because was able to peruse the menu more freely and see what other adults had conu g out (he ate all)
And it was nice to watch them from a far cracking jokes and chatting with family members and not needing me at all. No1 seemed to mind

goldenshred · 08/12/2024 23:21

I take it the relatives don't want to sit next to them, especially if they need help etc, if they're not patting the seats and saying come sit next to grandma/ auntie are they?

foodforclouds · 08/12/2024 23:53

MyJadeFinch · 08/12/2024 22:52

I think it’s fine. I would prefer to be next to a chatty, entertaining kid than an adult riddled with social anxiety, waiting for me to fill in all the pauses and bring up topics I couldn’t care less about. I would choose the chatty kid everytime.

Yep same!

lovelysunshine22 · 09/12/2024 11:38

allmybooksarefromthelibrary · 08/12/2024 22:09

I’m with your SIL - I have 3 DC and DH and I always get sat at the end of the table with them (or even worse, on a separate table) for big family meals out. We don’t get to speak with anyone else and essentially pay over the odds to have a lunch out with our own kids. I really resent it tbh.

Our DC are perfectly well behaved and chatty.

Wow how entitled are you!! What makes you think you have a right to expect someone else to have to sit there and entertain your children while you get to enjoy adult company? Im a parent and would never have expected this and would also refuse to be expected to do it with other people's kids! No one ( not even relatives) find your kids as interesting as you do!

HealthRobinsonCrusoe · 09/12/2024 12:00

lovelysunshine22 · 09/12/2024 11:38

Wow how entitled are you!! What makes you think you have a right to expect someone else to have to sit there and entertain your children while you get to enjoy adult company? Im a parent and would never have expected this and would also refuse to be expected to do it with other people's kids! No one ( not even relatives) find your kids as interesting as you do!

Show quote history

Yeah - I didn't have kids because I find kids boring and stressful. A bit annoying that someone else imagines they can outsource the boredom and stress of their kids to me! Non merci.

allmybooksarefromthelibrary · 09/12/2024 12:11

lovelysunshine22 · 09/12/2024 11:38

Wow how entitled are you!! What makes you think you have a right to expect someone else to have to sit there and entertain your children while you get to enjoy adult company? Im a parent and would never have expected this and would also refuse to be expected to do it with other people's kids! No one ( not even relatives) find your kids as interesting as you do!

Show quote history

Entitled? My DC are 15, 13 and 10 - no-one
is expected to entertain them, or supervise them?? It would just be nice to eat as part of the group and converse with other members of the family, rather than as our family unit which we do every day.

Narkacist · 09/12/2024 12:30

Why would you need to actively parent or entertain a six year old during a meal? They sit down and eat like anyone else. When they are done they ask to leave the table and go and play somewhere suitable depending on the location. If they need anything during the meal, one of their parents is a seat away. How are they ever going to learn how to behave during a meal outside the immediate family if they are always set apart as if they were contagious. Surely we all have relatives of all ages we’d rather not sit with. I’d rather any six year old than cousin Bob who just wants to regurgitate the Daily Mail at someone.
There’s something frighteningly asocial about the posters who hate other people’s children so much. (OP seems frustrated by these particular children.)
Regarding non-close friends or non-family, if they propose a meal or accept an invitation I would expect them to consider my children part of the group. If they don’t, they should propose a different activity or not accept the invitation. You can’t meet with a group that includes children and then treat them as subhumans.

RedPony1 · 09/12/2024 12:34

TheaBrandt · 08/12/2024 21:13

God sat next to someone else’s “chatty” 6 year old that’s that meal ruined.

Agreed!!

MissRoseDurward · 09/12/2024 12:35

I would prefer to be next to a chatty, entertaining kid than an adult riddled with social anxiety, waiting for me to fill in all the pauses and bring up topics I couldn’t care less about.

Because it has to be one or the other?

Eating out is more expensive now. If I'm spending money on a meal in a restaurant, I want to enjoy it, and part of that is free flowing conversation with other adults. It would be different in someone's home, or at a buffet, where it's easier to move around and talk to different people.

blackerfriday · 09/12/2024 12:39

DelicateSoundOfEchos · 08/12/2024 22:49

Christ there's some outrageous entitlement in some of the comments here.

I'm nobodies babysitter and like fuck am I going to entertain and look after a family members child at a birthday dinner or similar because their parents can't be arsed or feel entitled to adult conversation. If you choose to have children you have to accept that you'll probably have to compromise a fair bit on what you can do and how you can do it.

It's rude as fuck to just expect other people to be happy to parent your children for you.

Well, this is pretty much what I was going to say. I have no kids. If I go out for a meal I want to chat with adults. 😂

getahhtmapub · 09/12/2024 12:42

TheaBrandt · 08/12/2024 21:13

God sat next to someone else’s “chatty” 6 year old that’s that meal ruined.

Agree.

Spaceracers · 09/12/2024 12:42

blackerfriday · 09/12/2024 12:39

Well, this is pretty much what I was going to say. I have no kids. If I go out for a meal I want to chat with adults. 😂

Show quote history

Agree. The pp aggrieved because they pay over the odds to have lunch with their own children - imagine paying over the odds to have lunch with someone else's children!

comfyshoes2022 · 09/12/2024 13:10

I am torn here because I can see why you find it annoying, but I also think a lot of kids find it annoying to be excluded by being put at the end of the table as if they’re not valued members of the family/gathering. I guess I would err on the side of being inclusive towards children but it seems reasonable for you to tell their mum “oh I really wanted to catch up with so and so today, is it okay if we rearrange the seats like this?”

Narkacist · 09/12/2024 13:10

I don’t understand why people who don’t want children within earshot in a restaurant agree to join a group with children in it. Wouldn’t you just go out to eat with someone else or suggest a child-free evening meal?

Bloodybrambles · 09/12/2024 13:11

Would you also be offended being seated next to an elderly family member with say hearing loss who refuses to wear a hearing aid? Dementia? Not exactly the most thrilling conversation? Maybe those over 80 should have to sit on different table?

It’s a family meal. Hence why family are invited and sitting next to family.

I cannot believe how people are talking about their nieces and nephews. At a family meal they’re my favourite people to sit next to. Maybe you need to improve your conversation skills if they’re having to take the lead. Ask if they believe in aliens? If they could name an insect what would they call it? If you could be invisible for the day what would you do?

Are you sure the kids aren’t choosing where they’re sitting? I definitely would place myself where I knew I’d be getting extra pudding/a laugh/slipped £20 for mentioning about my birthday.

Brefugee · 09/12/2024 13:19

i get that it's annoying. But how are children supposed to learn to get on with a variety of people and behave properly at a table if they don't get exposed to it?

I think it's great, actually. As long as they are well behaved, nobody has to assist them eating and your sister or their father jumps in if they behave badly.

Onlyvisiting · 09/12/2024 13:19

wantnoscrubs · 08/12/2024 20:56

Whenever we get together as a family at a restaurant, my sister insists on spreading her four kids around the dinner table. Her theory is that it's not fun or fair for them to be shoved on the end and this way all the adults share the load of entertaining them,. This was the case as our aunts 70th birthday meal recently and I just cringed as there were no family members there. No one ever says anything and it's so awkward. We have a family wedding coming up and will be eating together with the bride and groom on the run up to the wedding and I just dread the moment they all spread around the table. They are very lively and chatty kids and won't just sit there quietly. They are aged between 5-8 - AIBU?

If she's literally placing them by her choice next to random without asking them no. Its lazy and rude. If she is the sole parent? Then I'd expect her to sit with 2 on each side and be the one responsible for looking after them. Especially the younger ones.
Or ask specific family members ie you as aunty's or grandparents 'is it OK if x sits with you?'.
Not just randomly assign them for non family members to look after and entertain, that's mannerless. (And if asked I would be one to happily sit with a kid)
Is she the only one with children though? As if young kids are invited I would expect the vibe would be different and wouldn't really be expecting purely adult conversations and a posh meal tbh

TheaBrandt · 09/12/2024 13:21

I do feel abit mean / Cruella De Vil saying this and if its a jolly family lunch at home at someone’s house and they slope off to play it’s fine. If it’s a headline meal out in a restaurant getting placed next to
a kid is a heartsink though.

Like when occasionally a friend brings her teen to our mums brunch. No I don’t want to talk about your gcses I have teens of my own I am here to see my friends!