…to be annoyed by the comment ‘you’re not a real mum if you only have one?’

[notarealmum101]

Need to know if I’m being over-sensitive or if I’m right to be annoyed by a comment made at a recent mums’ night out.

Met up this week with four mum friends - we were all in the same mum and baby yoga class when we were all new first time mums and have kept in touch since, mostly by WhatsApp but we try and catch up a few times a year. Our first kids have all recently turned 4. They have all had at least one more since then, and two of them are pregnant with third babies. I only have one, despite our best efforts (it took us a while to conceive DD and we’re 18 months into trying for a second, and probably going to have to stop soon because age isn’t on our side and we don’t have money for IVF).

During our meal there was a lot of chat about sibling dynamics, pregnancy with a toddler, the challenges of managing the needs of two kids at once etc etc, and also about the activities they’ve been up to together whilst on their overlapping second maternity leaves, all of which is understandable although left me feeling pretty left out.

However, one of them (the one with the youngest second child in the group) made a passing comment which really stuck with me, which was that ‘You aren’t really a proper mum until you have two’. Her point was that if you haven’t had to manage two kids simultaneously and deal with their competing needs and personalities, then you haven’t done the hardest part of parenting and so you’re not a legitimate parent. The others didn’t really seem to disagree with her on this.

I was too caught out in the moment to say anything (and to be honest I already felt pretty isolated by the discussion) but the comment has stuck with me over the past few days and I can’t help but dwell on the idea that this is what everyone thinks and that I’ll never be a proper mum because we’ll only ever have one kid, and it’s really left me feeling low (my period rocking up as scheduled probably hasn’t helped matters). Part of me just want to fade away from the group as I’ll never meet their threshold of being a ‘real’ mum and it’ll only get worse as they all have more kids.

YANBU - it was an insensitive thing to say and you’re right to want to distance yourself

YABU - stop being so sensitive, they’re only being honest

That's a ridiculous thing to say. I've never heard anyone say such a thing and it's just not true. Of course you're a real mum.

Don't give that silly comment another thought.

All the best to you.

Who was it who said one is like having a pet and two is like running a zoo? I can't remember, Caitlin Moran? Someone like that.

Obviously you are a proper Mum of one child but I think that there are long understood tangible differences about the mode of operation between one and more.

In my opinion the hardest part of parenting has been the shock of capture going from 0 to 1.

Anyway, what a stupid thing to say. Of course it isn't true. No such thing as a 'proper mum'. She is a proper dick though.

Eurgh idiots. Insensitive idiots. I don't think that is how most people feel at all - the biggest adjustment is definitely 0-1 child. Sure it adds a different dynamic having to stop them beating each other with a spoon or sitting on each other's head but you birthed a child, raised the child, did all the nights and cleaning up after them and everything else - and most importantly loving your child and providing a safe environment. How could you be any more of a mum than that?

Yes, I'm leaning towards the latter, based on the OP. A bit like the whole idea that you can only either love or hate Marmite, I mean really, what a load of bolleaux. People come up with these stupid statements from thin air, and worse still others nod in agreement without thinking.

I'm inclined to the think that while the statement is clearly without substance, it is hugely insightful about the person who chose to say it.

To give her the benefit of the doubt she sounds deranged, but I'd put my money on her just being a bitch.

This is an absolutely ridiculous thing to say.

You knoe, some people will just be smug and annoying about anything…. This will carry on through the years, just you wait. You’ll reach a time when she will be comparing GCSE results and after that who is earning the most money!

argh either let it be water off a duck’s back and:or distance yourself.

and for what it’s worth I think that sometimes it’s the people who have not given birth to to their ‘biological’ children can be the most caring and nurturing of all mothers and fathers, what would she say there?

1 child, c-section, didn’t breastfeed, should probably hand mine over to social services now. She just said something stupid, if she’s generally nice I would let it pass, we all say or do stupid things occasionally.

I can’t be either as l had a c section and IVF! Ok it was twins but details details 🤷‍♀️

This women sounds vile and deluded. Does she know you have fertility issues? Sounds like she’s fallen into that trap of my life is harder than yours -no one made her have more than one. I had a friend like this and our friendship didn’t survive. She was too wrapped up in herself and had no perspective. She said so many terrible things e.g. “at least you can go away for the weekend, l spend all my money on childcare” (after our first round of fertility treatment failed). “You need to be more patient” after l tried for 3 years to conceive -after 5 month of trying she went berserk

Dear OP, I'm so sorry that you're going through fertility struggles. I am a One And Only mum too, due to my own fertility woes.
What you're going through must have made that comment feel even worse, but I hope you know that it was a silly thing for your friend to say and she probably didn't really mean it/was just trying to get a laugh.
You are a mother, plain and simple, and if it isn't meant to be that you can't have more than one DC, you will always be the best mum in the world for your child. Good luck for your next cycle OP xx

I suppose that they believe that women who have had no kids at all aren't proper women (even though we were born with vaginas and wombs).

It's like being dead. You're either a mum or you're not. Ignore the silly knob.

I don’t think she meant it with malice. It’s just something stupid people say which means it hard to have more than one. Just like someone might say ‘you’ve never lived till you’ve jumped out of a plane’ or ‘you’re not a real man till you’ve drank 10 pints’ or other bollocks. Of course you’re a real Mum, 100% no body thinks your not. Don’t push people away (if they are otherwise good friends) for putting their foot in their mouth.

That's a complete fabrication that couldn't be inferred from any of the ops posts.

God, that's awful. I'm my mum's only child and she definitely is a "real mum". Unbelievable that some people think like this

As a PP says I would think about the intent.

If she was trying to say that parenting multiple children is very different from parenting one, she is right a but she phrased it badly (maybe she's sitting at home now thinking 'why the fuck did I say that?) then I'd let it slide and wouldn't distance myself from the whole group because of it.

If she really does think that then she's a twat and you can do better than her friendship. She's also very wrong. There are so many different children and different variations of parenting that you can't possibly say one is 'real' parenting and another isn't.

As a mum of one,I've had this comment directed at me a few times. The chief culprit was my ex-sister-in-law.

What a strange thing to say! I can honestly say that I have never heard that one before (or anything that ridiculous to be honest). Of course you are a “real mum”. It sounds like you didn’t really enjoy the get-together. If you didn’t enjoy their company and if they were being quite insensitive (which left you feeling isolated by their conversations) then it might be best for you to distance yourself from them.

What a batshit thing to say.

Is she one of these fruitloops who thinks you're not a real mum if you have your DC by c-section? Or you can't be a proper mum if you work? Or you can't POSSIBLY know love if you're childfree?

Does she think the earth is flat? Ask her @notarealmum101

If she says 'why do you ask?' say 'hmm, just wondered' and walk off laughing.

Having more than one child certainly brings a new level of parenting challenges, but not having these challenges does not make you any less of a mum. On the other hand having an only child brings a different set of challenges as you are the only source of entertainment for your child. Ignore her, she’s not an authority on what makes a mum a mum.

So who is your DD's mother if it isn't you?

Being a mum is a relationship, it's not a status thing. No one else needs to validate it.
I hate those fucking boring martyrs who think you 'don't count' it your life isn't a struggle.

It is horrible to have that said to you by anyone. I have experienced similar comments from my Mother who said to me many years ago I had no right to called a Mother as I had only had 2 children. She had 7 and my four sisters had more than 2 each. I put it down to her jealously that I had interests and a life in addition to motherhood. As she was my Mother I have been obliged to maintain a relationship, you don't have to allow this person to remain part of your life. You are a mother and no doubt a good one.

I'd have told her to fuck off, so firstly well done for not doing that. If she knows it took you a long time to conceive your first it's not exactly a leap to think that you might have had trouble conceiving a second, so it was a crap thing to say. I'd say something privately and give her a chance to apologise if you want to consider staying friends, but if you'd rather fade them out, that's as good a reason as any. She certainly sounds awful and I can see why you'd not want to see her again.

OP, when your child is an adult, you will realise that only one opinion on what sort of mum you are matters. Always did and always will. So any comments from anyone else should be water off a ducks back.