To feel hurt by MIL's condescending comments

[MumofMiniDivas]

My husband comes from a much wealthier background than I do. His family takes five holidays a year, went to private schools, and bought each kid a large London property when they turned 25. I went to grammar school, had 1–2 holidays a year, and while my parents helped with a deposit, they didn’t buy me a house outright (and yes I am aware that this is actually quite a privileged position, I am by no means poor but just explaining the contrast).

DH works for the family business, which his mum technically owns but doesn’t really run anymore—she’s basically retired, travels a lot, and leaves it to DH and his siblings. His sisters help out part-time when it suits them (since they’re looking after young kids), but DH and his brother run it full-time.

He’s super careful about what he says to his mum—she’s “always right,” and he avoids any conflict with her. Apparently, that’s just how it’s always been. Part of me thinks it’s also because they’re all a bit financially dependent on her. If she ever cut them out of the will or the business, their lifestyle would take a big hit.

I work part-time and take care of our daughters, who are 4 and 1, and I’m pregnant with our son. Even if I worked full-time, what I’d earn wouldn’t compare to what DH makes or receives from his family. He covers all the main expenses, and my salary is just for personal things like clothes, dinners with friends, or trips to the hairdresser. At home, DH is lovely: he’s hands-on with the kids, helps with chores, and is super thoughtful when it’s just us.

The issue is his mum. She makes comments that aren’t directly rude but feel like digs. For example, she buys our daughters designer clothes and says things like, “Girls should always dress in expensive clothes—it sets the tone for their self-worth and taste,” while I’m standing there in my Zara jumper.

At a family gathering, when people joked about my daughter becoming a vet because she loves animals, MIL said, “That’s such a messy job. Do women even enjoy working? It’s just something you do for money. She’ll have everything she needs—no need to work, especially not a messy job.”

She can also be condescending. When she was talking about her travel plans, she mentioned going to a fancy restaurant with my SIL and added, “I suppose you’ve never been there?” When I said I had, she replied, “Oh, who took you there?”

DH doesn’t really address it, saying it’s just how she is, and bringing it up would cause a big falling out. He tells me to rise above it and not take it personally, but honestly, it’s hard not to when the comments feel so pointed.

I don't think she'd be chuffed if she knew that DH pays whenever we go out for dinner as a couple or he pays the vast majority of our family holidays

Did your mother in law pay 50/50 for dinners and family holidays when her husband was alive and her children were smaller?

You have a DH problem, not a MIL one, because he lets her continue to treat you like that. What happens when your DC pick up on it and also treat you like "the help"?

To be honest it just sounds a bit annoying rather than toxic and I'd be grateful you can have such a pleasant, easy, secure lifestyle for free.
Worth the trade for a few jibes.

I agree with this.

See it as a trap.

She needs to agitate, confuse and control.

She wants a reaction. Dont give her anything (direct info, any emotion, words to others) - she will twist and turn everything into bullets to shoot you with.

Know that she is targeting you as the scapegoat in the family to project and discharge her narcissictic traits.

As PP have said get ahead of her method with the grey rock technique. Make yourself "dull, small, invisible" to her life so she has no purchase to dig in.

Know that you are winning. This might get worse as she loses pupose being retired butwill wiedl power by being devisive around money, wills, heirarchy.

Keep your distance emotionally and physically. Be polite, dignified and unruffled when in her company.

Know its a trap that she is desperate for you to react and lock horns so that she can turn on the histrionics.

In the short period I was a SAHM he of course provided everything like food, transport, household items, bills. It's just extras like new clothes or wanting a dinner with a friend, I'd need to work for if I want them. I don't know if that would have changed after I was a SAHM for longer but I didn't feel comfortable in case that didn't and preferred to get a job. I can't imagine he'd ever be "allowed" to get me clothes like he has, but I also can't say I'm desperate for a Moncler coat as opposed to my Uniqlo one.

I went back to work it was made clear to DH that if I'm not working he's not to pay for any of my clothes / products / give me money for seeing friends etc

What on earth?!

What does he say to this? I've never heard anything like this before.

This is still horribly mean when the reason you didn’t have an income was because you were looking after his children.

But how would his mother even know if he bought you a new dress?

@thepariscrimefiles I'm assuming, if I don't work and I'm regularly going out for dinners with a friend (which she could in theory hear from DH if I'm out and he's home looking after kids, or a picture on the internet somewhere) or if spots I've dyed my hair, then she could reliably assume it's DH paying.

OP - you keep posting with more tales of what MIL does, what MIL is like. I understand you need to vent, but are you taking on board any of the advice or questions?

What about your DH?
How did you learn that he was told not to spend money on you?
What is his reaction when MIL is so unkind to you in front of him?

What are you going to do about this?
Two choices: put up with it, or divorce.

You cannot change MIL and you cannot change DH.
All you can do is change your own response.

@pikkumyy77 I do have a house, as mentioned in OP I bought one and my parents helped with a deposit before I met my DH. I rent it out and the rental income goes into my savings. The income from my current job is for my current wants like hairdressers, clothes, seeing friends, coffee, Xmas gifts for my parents etc

@MumofMiniDivas did you answer, when you go on family holidays and your MIL and DH travel first class and you are in economy,

1. where are your children?
2. where are your husbands sisters?
3. where are their children?
4. where are their husbands?

The house and all assets are in MIL name or your DH’s?

Financial incest is abusive and harmful.

She sounds like a shallow, vacuous old hag

Explained above how it was made clear.

It's the same arrangement with all children but the girls are given more so that they could be SAHMs to the extent that they want (and work to the extent that they want). MIL will pay for SIL's fancy restaurants and take her on shopping trips.

You haven’t read the thread.

I love how if wealth had not been mentioned at all people would be telling you to stand up to your MIL OP. But because you are all basically dependents on her, the advice is suck it up.

I'm not sure what this will do to your mental health in the long run OP, but as someone else has said, you must have realised what you were getting into if you now have 3 children and one of them is 4 now. Unless you were like the boiling frog and a bit blinkered to it? What happens if he has a affair, or multiple affairs? are you going to have to put up, shut up and grin and bear it because there is no way out for you? It's a serious power imbalance, I could not cope with this. I would not be able to hold my tongue for one, be warned that becomes more difficult when you get older or at least it did for me! Also I know a colleague at work who has a big family estate and she wears Zara to work...although it's known she got her job by nepotism. At least she is a nice person!

I had a friend who was a bit like her. She was obsessed with designer bullshit. I used to love winding her up.

I'd say something like "Labels are so common. They're mass-produced tokens of status for the masses. Imagine having someone else's monogram on your clothes! Why would you advertise to everyone that you are wearing factory-made clothes?"

@Gardendiary I don't think she'd know if it was truly the occasional dinner or to buy a jumper here and there. But I know she'd be annoyed if she saw me with a Chanel handbag (not that I'm after one) or she'd probably catch on if I was out regularly with friends whilst being a SAHM, or if I'd been a SAHM for years and suddenly dyed my hair (ie did something unnecessary, I'm sure in theory I'd be ok to get haircuts at his expense if I was a long term SAHM - this is all guessing as I hadn't been a SAHM that long).

In fact he'd gifted me a nice necklace for a big birthday (comparable in value to some coats my daughter owns) and MIL commented "well that's a treat for you isn't it!!"

@Shinyandnew1 my mother in law didn't contribute much to the business, my father in law did.

@neverhadnooneever father in law built the successful business, ran it for 30+ years, then died. MIL had very little to do with the business except that it was in their joint name. She says this herself.

So I did my phd on family property disputes in a south asian community with a joint family property system. I studied the way in married women, like you, strategized and, frankly, embezzled, to secure money for themselves, their husband’s , and their children. I would advise you and your dh to do the same but I don’t think you are as wise as those peasant farm families.

You don’t seem at all horrified or sickened by your husband’s complaisance at hiding and facilitating his mother’s financial abuse of you—is it because you feel he is also a victim? That he is a prisoner but secretly “on your side” because he sometimes treats you to a meal? He isn’t. He is a shell of a man sho servilely attends her needs regardless of the humiliation she visits on you both.

Have some self respect. If you want to save the marriage and the father of your children that’s fine and good but ultimately letting her shit all over you will destroy you, your marriage, and youf children.

it will destroy you to be married to someone eho treats you like a firty little secret. It will destroy your marriage because you can’t respect this spineless tool bought for a house, designer clothes, and a narcissist’s offer of spa treats. And it will damage you in the eyes of your children who will quickly realize that sucking up to grandma is rewarded while mummy counts for nothing.

She's going to continue ignoring posts that call out her DH because she recognizes that he needs to continue to pander to dear mama in order to maintain their lifestyle so she is just here ranting.

How have the responses on this thread made you feel about yourself? your DH? your MIL?

What options are open to you and what actions would you consider?

Who looks after your children while you work? If you use paid child care, is this a shared cost?