To feel hurt by MIL's condescending comments

[MumofMiniDivas]

My husband comes from a much wealthier background than I do. His family takes five holidays a year, went to private schools, and bought each kid a large London property when they turned 25. I went to grammar school, had 1–2 holidays a year, and while my parents helped with a deposit, they didn’t buy me a house outright (and yes I am aware that this is actually quite a privileged position, I am by no means poor but just explaining the contrast).

DH works for the family business, which his mum technically owns but doesn’t really run anymore—she’s basically retired, travels a lot, and leaves it to DH and his siblings. His sisters help out part-time when it suits them (since they’re looking after young kids), but DH and his brother run it full-time.

He’s super careful about what he says to his mum—she’s “always right,” and he avoids any conflict with her. Apparently, that’s just how it’s always been. Part of me thinks it’s also because they’re all a bit financially dependent on her. If she ever cut them out of the will or the business, their lifestyle would take a big hit.

I work part-time and take care of our daughters, who are 4 and 1, and I’m pregnant with our son. Even if I worked full-time, what I’d earn wouldn’t compare to what DH makes or receives from his family. He covers all the main expenses, and my salary is just for personal things like clothes, dinners with friends, or trips to the hairdresser. At home, DH is lovely: he’s hands-on with the kids, helps with chores, and is super thoughtful when it’s just us.

The issue is his mum. She makes comments that aren’t directly rude but feel like digs. For example, she buys our daughters designer clothes and says things like, “Girls should always dress in expensive clothes—it sets the tone for their self-worth and taste,” while I’m standing there in my Zara jumper.

At a family gathering, when people joked about my daughter becoming a vet because she loves animals, MIL said, “That’s such a messy job. Do women even enjoy working? It’s just something you do for money. She’ll have everything she needs—no need to work, especially not a messy job.”

She can also be condescending. When she was talking about her travel plans, she mentioned going to a fancy restaurant with my SIL and added, “I suppose you’ve never been there?” When I said I had, she replied, “Oh, who took you there?”

DH doesn’t really address it, saying it’s just how she is, and bringing it up would cause a big falling out. He tells me to rise above it and not take it personally, but honestly, it’s hard not to when the comments feel so pointed.

I’d be so tempted to whisper in her ear when no one else was around “I can’t wait to piss all your money up the wall when you’re gone, it’ll be such fun.”

She sounds like a bitch, but I do believe women who put other women down like that have to be insecure on some level.

It’s a shame because you never think of a good come back until two hours later, in my experience.

“Girls should always dress in expensive clothes—it sets the tone for their self-worth and taste,”

“My girls have innate self worth from knowing how unconditionally loved they are.”

I have a friend whose MIL is like this. You just have to make her into a cariacature in your head. Think about Miranda Hart’s mother in her sitcom. “This season’s laugh is based on Poker Face by Lady Ga-GA…” etc.

Hahahaha she will probably declare to her son that he must not spend a penny of his inheritance on her and given his past history of doing everything his mother says eg decide they don't need a cleaner because Mama said so, make his wife sit in economy while he sits in business class with dear mama, not spending any money on his wife while she is on maternity leave because Mama said so etc, I'm sure he will comply to the letter even after she is dead.

@MumofMiniDivas sorry but you are married to a very weak useless man who is committed to keeping his mother happy in exchange for money and expensive gifts. How do you even sleep with such a man? I would be so repulsed by his behaviour

Your posts are all about how your MIL is this and that but your issue is your husband not your MIL. What are you doing to make him stand up and defend you? Why does he get a pass?

@AnxietyLevelMax the money he earns wouldn't be enough to start buying me designer clothes, and it's heavily topped up by gifts from MIL, like his clothes, watches, paying for kids' school, getting him a new car etc which is how he lives a much more lavish lifestyle than I could. DH does share it with me in that he pays for all household expenses, food, nursery etc.
Part of it is what is said by DH or MIL and part of it is what I can read between the lines, but I know for a fact MIL thinks I need to pay my way. I don't think she'd be chuffed if she knew that DH pays whenever we go out for dinner as a couple or he pays the vast majority of our family holidays (because if we went 50/50 we'd never go out as a couple and holiday since my part time salary wouldn't stretch that far)

Any job is a job. Normal women are programmed by nature to want to be with their children (or find someone to make those children with) rather than work for someone else's benefit.

Yep... that's why it's all in MIL's name and that's how she justifies it to her kids "I'd rather you pay 40% inheritance tax than 70% to your spouse in a divorce"

If one of the children wants to run around the restaurant it's expected that I get up to run around them, and if DH attempts to "help out", MIL will start a conversation with him so he doesn't go or tell him he works hard so needs to rest.

My Granny has always treated my Mum like this (her DIL). We laugh about it.

DH and MIL wouldn't manage young kids without me, and often I'll sit in economy whilst they're in business / first.

That’s bloody outrageous. I wouldn’t be standing for that from DH.

I would have to say something - perhaps along the lines of :

“Ofcourse some people enjoy working. Others even think of it as giving back to society”

DH also would not be accepting invitations that excluded me.

I know for a fact MIL thinks I need to pay my way

This makes no sense. She doesn’t think women should work but also thinks you should pay your way?

I agree I would insist on a united front with DH. No way would I accept being excluded.

This would absolutely not be happening. I think you actually have a DH problem to an extent.

Divorce him now. She will keep paying for your kids to go to private schools. You can start to build your career and buy your own property. But you won’t be at her beck and call.

Not sure what your point is. She shouldn't have married her husband or had children because her MIL is rude?

To be honest I don’t think she sounds that bad, I think you need to weigh up the pros and cons here. To a certain extent I do think she sees you as an outsider but what you have posted isn’t particularly concerning. Having it out with her would likely destroy your lifestyle. Her family will certainly close rank, it’s a matriarch. I think you may find benefit in playing the game with her, she seems harmless. Only if it wasn’t harmless would I say to rock the boat.

I would personally see her as a caricature, a stereotype and a source of marvel and humour. I wouldn’t take her too seriously and frankly I’d love to hear her wealthy person observations and tidbits…if only to laugh later. Wanting her grandkids to be dressed in designer clothes only, and to only eat groceries from Waitrose is slightly hilarious.

It’s up to you what you can tolerate though.

I would remember the quote 'Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.'

And just stay quiet and don't react when she says something rude. If you don't rise to the bait, or smile along, it will only make her look bad.

Unless you and your husband (because you did marry into this and presumably knew what you were getting into, so it would have to be a joint decision) want to drastically change your lifestyle, put up and shut up.

Many, many people would kill for what you’ve got, and passive aggressive comments won’t actually do you any harm, so I think this is the definition of a first world problem.

I'd do my best to ignore her (while making sure your children don't absorb her attitudes), but would privately be looking forward to a time when she's no longer around to needle you. That sounds nasty, I know, but what else can she expect when she's so unpleasant?

@MJconfessions this is a really good suggestion actually. I have a flamboyant relation-through-marriage who is constantly saying the most shockingly rude and insulting things. (ETA we barely see them so it makes no sense to react to it) It helps to just pretend you're in The Office and internally grimace for the cameras, but roll with the punches.

I bet she has her will sewn up nicely

Fabulous.

I have met a large number of people like this (par for the course in the milieu I was brought up in, tbh).

Anything you do in reaction to her digs will give her the enormous satisfaction of confirming her in her beliefs that you are uppity and common. The most frustrating thing for her is if you treat her with mildly bemused indulgence. At some level, she knows that she is worthless and is trying to make other women smaller to make herself feel bigger. If you communicate that you are anything other than completely confident and secure in your own choices and position, she will pounce on it like a cat and escalate it to the nth degree, as that will give her validation that she is superior.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Withhold it.

often I'll sit in economy whilst they're in business/first

Are you sitting with the children in economy? Is she happy about her grandchildren flying economy? Where are her daughters/daughter in laws/son in laws sitting when you go on family holidays?

Some of this doesn’t add up-she doesn’t think women should pay for things or work, but wants you to do so?

She thinks you should work to pay your way and your husband shouldn’t pay for things for you, but it was fine for her husband to start a business and pay for things for her?

Do her daughters or daughters in law work? Who pays for their clothes and days out? What about her daughter’s husbands?

Do you have a relationship with the other people who have married into this shitshow? Your BIL sounds like he's experiencing the same ostracising that you have.

Personally it all sounds like it's going to go horribly wrong when the level of control MIl currently has becomes insufficient for her. When one of her DC gets divorced, or comes to their senses and pushes back, or the grandchildren grow up and point out how bonkers it is, or she gets ill or senile.

This is very much the case for friends who have married into these kind of families (old money). They basically ignore the girlfriends and you don’t integrate at all until you marry into the family. So I well believe this could have been the case.

These were exactly my thoughts too. If he leaves you, you will likely be up the creek without a paddle. And with three kids and no real career. So now he has you by the short and curlies and she has him by the short and curlies. Basically means you both have to be super nice to the horrible bullying power crazed MIL and suck it all up. If you want to stay in the relationship and he wants to continue hanging off mummy dearest teets then you need to find some way of not letting it bother you. I'd seriously think about providing for you and the kids in the future in case this highly unstable arrangement hits the fan if you decide to stay! Your DH obviously good at compartmentalizing already...MIL clearly doesn't like you and enjoys trying to drive a wedge between you and DH. And he seems to be fine with it, long as mummy brings the £££££££. A very money orientated family. I would not enjoy this, and if this is what you have to be like to be rich then no thank you.

Very much an ice queen... last year I spent AGES with DD1 making a cute 3D card that DD enjoyed making and would have been a cute present for MIL, as I thought it'd be sweet , DD enjoys crafts and I wanted her to feel proud of something she'd made. (Remember I also had a baby at this point).

MIL was very ott grateful to DD (as you do with a toddler: oh my goodness, that's so lovely, thank you so much, did you really make that? You're so clever) but didn't even mention it to me or bother saying thanks.

Over the years any time I've done something sweet she'd ignore it, gifts I've given her she regifts and treats as it can't be something nice because it's from me.