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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP's mum pointed out lack of acknowledgement - feeling embarrassed and uncared for

131 replies

stormyscotts · 07/12/2024 16:09

I’ve been with my partner for 18 months, and moved in with him 3 months ago. He has a little girl from a previous relationship who is 6. I met her and her mum together at the beginning of this year and have been in her life quite a bit since then. Partner asks me sometimes to look after her if he is working which I don’t mind doing as she is lovely. Her mum has dropped her off this morning to us and partner left to do his hobby at 12pm, got back at 3pm.

DPs mum is currently staying with us as she is experiencing some problems with her house, so as DP came in, I was sitting in the room with her and my dps little girl.

He came in, said hi to his little girl and his mum but not to me. He sat next to me but didn’t acknowledge me at all. I thought I was just being sensitive but it did surprise me. Then DPs mum said “aren’t you going to say hello to stormyscotts?” He said in a joking way “hiiiii stormyscotts”. DPs mum looked awkward and I felt embarrassed, but had to keep playing with DPs little girl.

He then came up to me about 10 mins after and asked for a hug.

Aibu that this is rude? I have been looking after his daughter, speaking with his mum and I just feel taken for granted, don’t expect much but some acknowledgement might be nice.

OP posts:
alwayslearning789 · 07/12/2024 16:58

stormyscotts · 07/12/2024 16:09

I’ve been with my partner for 18 months, and moved in with him 3 months ago. He has a little girl from a previous relationship who is 6. I met her and her mum together at the beginning of this year and have been in her life quite a bit since then. Partner asks me sometimes to look after her if he is working which I don’t mind doing as she is lovely. Her mum has dropped her off this morning to us and partner left to do his hobby at 12pm, got back at 3pm.

DPs mum is currently staying with us as she is experiencing some problems with her house, so as DP came in, I was sitting in the room with her and my dps little girl.

He came in, said hi to his little girl and his mum but not to me. He sat next to me but didn’t acknowledge me at all. I thought I was just being sensitive but it did surprise me. Then DPs mum said “aren’t you going to say hello to stormyscotts?” He said in a joking way “hiiiii stormyscotts”. DPs mum looked awkward and I felt embarrassed, but had to keep playing with DPs little girl.

He then came up to me about 10 mins after and asked for a hug.

Aibu that this is rude? I have been looking after his daughter, speaking with his mum and I just feel taken for granted, don’t expect much but some acknowledgement might be nice.

Thank goodness his Mum noticed it and also had the grace and thoughtfulness to call out her son.

Consider yourself very gently warned OP.

Cattery · 07/12/2024 16:58

I wouldn’t expect to be treated like that after 23 years, let alone 3 months!!!

JustAFear · 07/12/2024 16:59

The fact that you don’t mind looking after his child isn’t really relevant. The point is that’s the time he should be using to build a relationship with her.

Also “He now will make it a big deal that I’m offended” shows that you know he’s an arse.

Honestly, get out of this while it’s still fairly easy to.

LochNessy · 07/12/2024 17:03

Surely it doesn’t matter if you don’t mind looking after her, she’s there to see her dad not you. He shouldn’t want to go and do his hobby when he’s supposed to be spending time with his daughter?!
The way he doesn’t prioritise spending the time with his own daughter shows he is selfish and is a huge red flag in itself.
His mother sounds reasonable and nice, just a shame he sounds like a knob.

Noseybookworm · 07/12/2024 17:13

If he normally greets you when he comes in, I wouldn't get that worked up about one occasion which he apologised for. I wouldn't greet everyone individually on coming home, I'd be more likely to just say 'hiya' to the room in general! It's nice that his mum pulled him up on it though 😊

CheeryPlum · 07/12/2024 17:14

Daleksatemyshed · 07/12/2024 16:36

So you've lived with him for three months and you're already doing his childcare and he couldn't be bothered to say Hello. Be a bit cautious here Op or you'll find yourself doing far too much- it's one thing if he really has to work but quite another if it's so he can do his hobby- don't be a pushover to impress him

I agree. I was warned about doing too much in a similar (but not live in) situation. I thought it was a bit mean but they were good people and although I wasn't 100% in agreement I did take their advice. Mumsnet often warns against this as well. It's not easy to stay out of the trap but I am glad I listened.

I understand you like the little girl and that's great but that's not the issue. There'll be a day when you have to sort childcare so that you can go out. You will become/or are becoming the default childcare already. He's going out to do other things during his contact time. This is what he'd rather do than spend time with her and you are facilitating it.

Pickled21 · 07/12/2024 17:20

We all set our own boundaries and yours are clearly different to mine. When my dh steps through the door he acknowledges all of us and i'll stop what I'm doing to turn round for a quick kiss or shout hello from upstairs. To me it's a sign of basic respect. When I get in from work, dh does the same and we model that for our children.

You've only lived with him 3 months op and he's started showing so little effort already. Have a word with yourself op, you can do better than this.

GinandGingerBeer · 07/12/2024 17:30

How much contact time does he have? If he only sees her 2 days a week then it's absolutely atrocious that he's going off to do his hobby.
It's not about whether you mind OP.
He is sending out some clear signals here.

MammmaG · 07/12/2024 17:31

Also can’t believe he’s heading out to do a hobby rather than be with his daughter.

Pompeyssy · 07/12/2024 17:35

We teach people how to treat us.

You have moved in with a rude, moody man who is so confident of you he treats you rudely in front of family.

You are now the help, his au pair.
Big mistake on your part.

In your place I would be organising to move out.
Stay, and this is your life.

Self esteem and self respect is what stops other women ending up with men like this.
Perhaps look at yours.
Not having either means you are vulnerable to prickish men.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk is a good place to start.

Reading books like
"Women who love too much"
"Why does he do that?"

You deserve better.
You just need to believe it.

Plastictrees · 07/12/2024 17:35

stormyscotts · 07/12/2024 16:34

I don’t mind looking after his little girl, she is lovely and easy to look after. It’s the lack of appreciation or basic respect. When someone else points it out it just feels horrible. There’s been times when he’s moody and quiet but never outright ignorant of me. He now will make it a big deal that I’m offended

This response from him is arguably as bad as his behaviour in the first place. This man is a user and a waste of space. Gather your self worth and leave.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 07/12/2024 17:38

He introduced you to his daughter far too early. He had you move in with him far too early. He's using you for free childcare. He's shown you who he is. Don't waste your time on someone like this.

MrsPinkSky · 07/12/2024 17:39

YANBU

But I'd be suspicious of such a fast mover anyway.

Didn't take him long to acquire a live-in babysitter, did it?

I expect he also gets the cooking and cleaning thrown in?

KirstenBlest · 07/12/2024 17:42

You're the unpaid nanny-housekeeper he gets to shag.
Don't get pregnant by him.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/12/2024 17:43

If his dd is such a joy and so easy why the hell isn’t he doing it?

if he doesn’t have his dd full time why can’t he do his hobby when she’s with her mom?

So he’s a lazy parent, rude to you, is moody and difficult. I think you d made a mistake with this one op.

itsgettingweird · 07/12/2024 17:45

Dump him.

Keep his mum!!!!

Seriously though. Agree with others. 3
Months in and he's treating you like a given. You should still be in the honeymoon stage.

RickiRaccoon · 07/12/2024 17:46

As a one-off it's not necessarily the end but I'd be evaluating how the behaviour fits in more broadly. He needs to really value you and show you that through gestures like attention, checking on you, making cups of tea, buying food he thinks you'll like. If he's not doing that, I'd leave him for someone who really wants to be with you and clearly counts himself lucky to have you.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/12/2024 17:48

@CheeryPlum it does sound like I'm being mean but as you've seen it's for a good reason. @stormyscotts I've read so many posts on the Step parenting board where women think they're being kind looking after their partners children and don't work out until too late that he doesn't appreciate it, he thinks it's a woman's job to make his life easier. I don't mean you can't be kind to his DD, I mean that you need to stand back a bit and look at this objectively- he gets moody and doesn't like to be challenged so you're making his life easier but what is he doing for you?

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/12/2024 17:52

He's no keeper, even his Mam has noticed.

He should be looking after his daughter, not you.

MrsPinkSky · 07/12/2024 17:58

Oh Christ yeah, definitely don't get pregnant by him.

Or that'll be two kids less important than his hobby.

Shopgirl2 · 07/12/2024 17:59

If it's a one off it doesn't terrible, he walked in and was distracted saying hello to his daughter and mum, and apologised for missing you. But if you're so upset, could it be the sum of other behaviours along with this one that you are really reacting to?

Charmatt · 07/12/2024 18:00

Someone I worked with gave a colleague the best advice about relationships. She said,

'The beginning of a relationship is the best it will ever be. From those first few weeks, an editable pattern will set in, that as you become comfortable, the risk of taking each other for granted becomes real. If you are analysing your relationship, you should always consider that the risk of taking each other for granted increases the more times it happens. Each time you are taken for granted, you should think that this is the best my relationship will be because it will happen more and more in the future as those 'first love' feeling fade. You should ask yourself if you deserve that!'

I think you deserve better.

MeridianB · 07/12/2024 18:00

Hatty65 · 07/12/2024 16:13

Dump and run.

You've lived with him 3 months and he's already treating you like unpaid childcare.

What type of arsehole goes off to do a hobby for 3 hours leaving his gf and his mum looking after his 6 yo DD? She was there for contact with her dad - not to be treated like an unwanted parcel by him. Clearly he sees women as less important than him and his fun time.

He's not a keeper.

First post nails it. This in spades. Ditch him.

YourWildAmberSloth · 07/12/2024 18:00

stormyscotts · 07/12/2024 16:34

I don’t mind looking after his little girl, she is lovely and easy to look after. It’s the lack of appreciation or basic respect. When someone else points it out it just feels horrible. There’s been times when he’s moody and quiet but never outright ignorant of me. He now will make it a big deal that I’m offended

The fact that you don't mind looking after her and she's lovely is irrelevant. If she is there for contact with her dad, then he should be there. It isn't about you. Fast-tracking your relationship with his daughter, does make it harder for you to walk away though.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 07/12/2024 18:01

“He now will make it a big deal that I’m offended” 🚩 🚩 🚩
He should also be spending time with his daughter. He’s showing you his priorities and a few years down the line you’d be looking after 2 or 3 children while he’s busy with his hobby.

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