To resent my father because he's rich and could help me ?

[grabbie]

Is that grabby and entitled ?

Grandparents often pay for school fees. It's not unusual.

OP, my mum was a total narc….tried to use her wealth to control people. I refused to play the game even though I knew what the result would be. She died and left about half a million to her next door neighbour and the local church. Was the ultimate fuck you to me which I was expecting. Because I’d refused to be controlled.

i have a chronic illness which likes you affects my mobility. I have to work still even though it’s a struggle. I don’t have an extravagant lifestyle, live in a three bed semi with a normal life. No cleaner, no private school, no fancy holidays or expensive clothes. If i didn’t work the bills would be hard to pay.

that money from my mother would have made a massive difference to me but I’m so glad she left me nothing. Truly glad. She thinks she left me the ultimate fuck you, but actually leaving me the money would have been the bigger fuck you. She was too stupid to realise that. I can’t stand the idea of being a puppet to someone, I’d be wary about accepting money from your dad. If you can stop work and have an ok lifestyle without his money I’d be keener to explore that.

Private school is a choice not a necessity, presumably a choice you made. I see it could be difficult for them to move and it's a shame for them if you're no longer able to fund it.

Did your Dad go to private school OP?

You are so unreasonable for that, sorry. It's not a grandparent's responsibility to pay for private school at university. No wonder you didn't want to say.

It's not their responsibility, it was your choice, what age are the dc, have you spoken to the school about a payment plan, can their dad pay more..

I would always help my children. I have not had any financial help and I do find it odd that family members are able to relax with lots of money whilst watching their children struggle.
I personally have had help with childcare though that included school runs for about 4 years so that was worth a lot more than money as it allowed me to keep my job. So I think family should help family but it doesn't always have to be financial help.

If money is tight I would also encourage dc to find work when they can to help with uni costs.

Because “struggling to feed your kids” absolutely requires help!

You allegedly made a choice to put your kids through private school, and now you’ve decided you don’t want to work anymore but you’re pissed that your dad hasn’t offered to fund their school fees.

There’s a big difference between struggling to put food on the table, and expecting to live a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade wage

I'm not sure this poster is being genuine you know.

Ignoring helpful suggestions. Not engaging with discussion on the psychological/family dynamic consequences of being dependent on dad.

Very cagey about details of what's expected from the bank of dad. Just had a hint about private schools after much prodding.

OP, did you make this post to make a point about Mumsnet being a pit of vipers who won't finance their adult kids?

Or, are you being a bit weird about this because you don't want to admit you expect him to fund an upper middle class lifestyle for you? Because most of us don't have that lifestyle, even if our parents were in a position to fund it, because they've done well on the property boom/made good investment/been a bit scroogy.

You're getting a bit of a bashing here but that's partly because of the drip feed and how defensive you seem.

Oh just seen your update. Private school way out of my financial league but if I had a huge amount more money and had grandchildren in private school then yes I would help to pay for it if they would have to leave otherwise but I wouldn't prioritise it over myself and all my children having a comfortable lifestyle with everything else. With university I think a lot of people don't get how expensive it is now. I didn't get any financial help and just took out loans but I owed about 10 thousand pounds at the end of it. That amount of money is one years fees now before everything else.

Also some people just don't believe in other people being ill so it might be like that with your parent. A close friend of mine has a chronic illness and has had comments from people implying she is exaggerating. She isn't exaggerating. So it's possible your parent doesn't want to help as they think you aren't that unwell and should just carry on working.

If you want him to pay for private school, then yes I think you are being unreasonable and also wasting people's time here by not giving a clear picture. I'm ok with help going to family more in need, but we aren't talking about necessities here. Your siblings and dad will have less bc if it.

Considering the abuse he's inflicted, would you actually take any money he offered? You don't want to ask him for money because of how you feel about him, so wouldn't taking it be contradictory? Just curious.

I would help DC financially, so I dont think YABU.

Honestly I would help my children if I had money I saved my butt off to help my daughter do her masters she needed 3 months rent up front and her loan wasn't coming in till a month after her course started so I got it together and I don't have much I know that if I needed help in the future she would do the same

OP, we all have to cut our cloth accordingly when circumstances change. Most people have to do that at some point in their lives.

If I were the parent with all the cash then yes, I would help, but I don't suppose you should expect it.

Is your illness something that is likely to be long term?

Hahahaha....

You should have said in your OP you want your father to pay for your kids' (multiple) private schools and uni fees. There would be no thread. Cheeky fucker of the highest order.

Be careful about going to him and asking. If you asked me to cover their private school fees, not only I'd laugh in your face, I also would write you out of my will. Though given how entitled you are, you might not be in it in the first place.

Wow you sound nice..

Sorry, I dont think you are being unreasonable at all.

A lot of people with money are tight. Also, dont forget, this is mumsnet, home of the board housewives who love to cause drama,

If I had millions and one of my kids really needed it I would 100% give them it. I wouldnt give them random hand outs, although I would give them a leg up on the property ladder, but I would want to instill a sense of self worth and for them to do well for themselves without me. But yes, 100%, they would be very comfortable too with a house they wouldnt be able to afford without money from me and a nice car and if I get grandkids, yes I would offer to pay for private school, it would be up to my kids if they took me up on it or not but the offer would be there.

Isnt that what we do as parents, no matter how old our kids are?

So can your mum not make a choice to help you? Or does your dad control the family finances?

Assume you are separated from the children's dad and you are single?

Surely if he paid your kids school fees, he’d have to pay any other DGC too?

Well yeah because there’s a massive difference between you and your kids not having food or basic necessities whilst he lives lavishly, and you simply living beyond your means with the expectation of someone else funding it, which is what you will be doing if you keep your kids in private school whilst unemployed? Having to adapt to a change in financial circumstances is just part of life.

Then ask him. He probably has money in trust for you when he dies.

Does he know you wouldn't be able to pay school fees etc? If you have a good relationship with him, talk it through with him. I'm sure he wouldn't like to see his grand kids in state school.

However, if he doesn't help, state school is fine - I went to state school studied at a top London College (London Uni) and have both a BSc and Ll.M. I've earnt well in my career too, but I do know statistically, that if a person goes to public school and they're only average intelligence, they will do better than I have. So, there are potentially long term benefits for your DCs if they can stay in public school...

YABU to have been so disingenuous about the change in your living standards if you stop working. Not being able to afford private school fees and uni savings is a very different scenario to not being able to afford food or a roof over your head.
In your actual scenario, he owes you nothing really as you made these lifestyle choices.

You do sound entitled and chippy re your Dad’s money but I understand why, given the details.

What I don’t understand is why you would expect someone you have described as an abusive narc, who has a long history of hoarding money and leaving his family short, to suddenly become a caring Daddy Warbucks figure because you want help to afford a very privileged standard of living.

Or why you’d want to be in debt to him when he’d clearly use it to abuse and control you.

You might be better placed working on that than being chippy at posters who couldn’t even begin to imagine the level of financial support you feel entitled to, or writing off all the posts asking why you feel this way as to be expected from MN vipers. It’s not endearing anyone to what are very grievances.

apparently her siblings have been asking dad on her behalf. So clearly no worry about inequality. If he won't, can they not club together to raise the school fee cash??

Yes and he could easily.

@Over40Overdating I would to support my kids, put up with whatever I needed to.