To resent my father because he's rich and could help me ?

[grabbie]

Is that grabby and entitled ?

He might would wanted save that money for care home fees on his old age.

Well, he's not going to change if he's always been mean with money'
If he wanted to give it to you, he would.
I am sorry for your situation OP but it must be exhausting hoping/expecting him to cough up.
Take care

With what? Your dad’s money? 🤣
Op, I’d just log off now if I were you. This isn’t getting any better and anytime you post another comment the general opinion deteriorates even more

If I was rich and my children were struggling I would help them in a heartbeat. Your dad should help you out op. Ask him for help and see what he says.

Absolutely 💯, I would give my children my last penny if they were struggling (Unless they were on drugs or an abuser). That's what my parents would have done.
It's just what you do, is it not??

@grabbie showing your kids that being willing to be treated badly for money because that matters more than personal values or respect is no way to support them.

I think you vastly underestimate the damage that would do to everyone, including your kids. Money is not all there is to living a good life or becoming a good person. Your dad is living proof of that.

But they’re spending money that they’ve themselves inherited from the WW2 generation.

They could still have had a perfectly good middle class retirement, whilst also choosing to skip a generation and to pass on the property and capital that they inherited in their 50s and 60s. Money which came not just from parents but from maiden or childless aunts and uncles.

Instead they saw the opportunity for a lavish upper middle-class inheritance on the back of their inheritances. In particular they flogged off three properties (covetously remembered by their children) so they could give themselves super deluxe retirements, and let their children struggle on with dodgy landlords and poorly paid careers.

More than anything it’s a problem of mindset, that they just don’t see why they should pass on money while they are alive.

And if kids don’t make it without their help - tough luck, the latest Viking Holiday brochure has just arrived!

Perhaps he doesn't think that private schools are necessary.

If I was loaded I might help my kids/grandkids with housing near good state schools, or other things I felt were beneficial, tutors, hobbies, sports and perhaps take them on holiday once a year...but having been around privately educated people I honestly don't think they're worth it, and politically that kind of classist exclusivity isn't something I support.

Maybe your dad thinks private school is pissing money up walls

“saw the opportunity for a lavish upper middle-class retirement"

My parents would help me (and have done many times in the past) even though they're not nearly as wealthy as your dad.

I certainly would help my kid if I could.

But Mumsnet is very odd about parents helping out their kids financially.

At the end of the day, you can't take your money to your grave so what is it all for if not to help make your kids' lives easier?

Yes, yabu.

Would you pay for their uni fees?

Would your children be happy to get tuition fee and maintenance loans from SF?

Or would you be paying the whole lot?

Some parents would.

Lots wouldn’t. DH’s parents aren’t loaded and nowhere near your father but they’re remarkably stingy with him.

It sounds like it’s very in keeping with your fathers character not too, though, so you’re setting yourself up for constant disappointment to have any hope or expectation that he will - especially given other family members have already mentioned it to him.

The difference is they don't usually do it because they are expected to. See where you're going wrong with this?

Genuinely impressed you're managing to make 'I want to provide a luxury to my children and I'm annoyed someone else isn't offering to fund it' sound like 'poor little me'.

In before the drip feed about how your kids couldn't possibly cope in a normal school for XYZ reason...

Absolutely hilarious. Honestly OP you've got some cheek.

It sounds like your DF is a power playing, narcissistic miser. All of these traits are toxic on their own but altogether - he must be a deeply unpleasant person.

I do know quite a few GPs who pay for their GCs private education. I also know a few parents who help their adult DC who have chronic debilitating illnesses.

The problem is that he will not offer you money. He will want you to ask (beg) and then hold it over you forever. Would you be able to cope with that?

No I don't think so.
I'd always help Mt kids out I'd I could.
I think I'd be a bit hurt if it were obvious I was struggling and my parents were very wealthy and did nothing to help. I'd find that quite hurtful.
I have experienced that but it was complicated by my mum having a compulsive spending issue. She was spending thousands a day. My dad was on a 3 figure salary. I was an only child and left home at 16 due to my mum's behaviour. I took care of myself..
I asked my dad for money once.. 29 quid for a shopping order when I'd fallen unexpectedly pregnant on a zero hours contract abd been really sick with it.. and was in dispute with the dwp about statutory maternity pay so was currently penniless... he made me feel so awful about asking him for help that I felt suicidal.
But looking back it's probably because despite his income he struggled to keep on top of things with my mum.
But I do hold a lot of pain and resentment about it.
If my kids ever come to me for money I would try my best to help them unless it was clearly for drugs or then just being unrealistic about lifestyle.
But if they were ill or struggling of course I'd move heaven and earth to help them.

Parents are not always as people might like them to be! (nor are their children of course).
As has been said, he may feel he needs the money for care in his old age.
He can do as he wishes with his money (even if it's not what you would like!) - it's probably fruitless to worry about it - he is what he is - it doesn't sound as though he is likely to change.

If I had millions available of course id help out my children and probably grandkids too.

However OP it sounds like he’s always been tight fisted when it comes to family if he was like this to your mother and you and siblings. So he won’t offer, clearly.

FWIW I find the snotty comments that adults should never ever be expected or consider helping out their adult kids kind of mad. I think it might well be indicative of a certain generation who never faced the sort of challenges we are now at earlier of their lives and prefer to hoard their money. I find that attitude weird, if i’m in a position to help my kids I will.

But as for your situation - it’s almost pointless to ask this here, because of the weird af collective mumsnet attitude of needing to grab the smelling salts because the children they brought into the world may need some financial support. But also because your dad sounds like a selfish bastard who wouldn’t help anyway.

If I had it and my kids needed it to live a more comfortable life? Without a second thought.
I would probably be less happy about shelling out for private school fees but then, that's not a "normal" expense to me as I know only a few people who were privately educated but lots of grand parents pay children's school fees.
I can see why you might feel let down, but the crux of it is that is not the relationship you have. He isn't ever going to be a generous man from what you've said about your childhood.

So what can you do to stop living in quite so much pain?

When do the private school fees finish? Will that allow you to give up work and will your husband be able to support your family live if you have a more modest life?

I'm sorry for what it's worth. It sounds quite hard tbh

But your not going to be able to help your kids because your having to ask your dad to do it now and your illness is getting worse?

I’m not sure you’ve read all of ops posts.

You experienced actual hardship and your dad complained about stepping in to help with less than £30.

OP is kicking off because her Dad hasn’t offered to fund her kids through private school

I think you perhaps haven't understood. "Grabbie" wants to know if she is ""grabby and entitled" to expect suddenly multi-millionaire father (who has taken her to show her his wealth) to pay private school fees in a very drip feed thread. Have you got it yet?????

I can’t understand parents who can comfortably afford to help adult children, but don’t or won’t. Especially nowadays, when housing costs - both renting and buying - have soared. Dh and I have been only too happy to help ours.