To resent my father because he's rich and could help me ?

[grabbie]

Is that grabby and entitled ?

I think this is a thoughtful post. OP is ill and it affects her mobility. It doesn’t sound like she is entitled, but simply she needs help because her illness affects her ability to work. If her dad is quite wealthy and it wouldn’t affect him either way, I can see why she feels the way she does. Unfortunately her dad sounds like a bit of a miser/narcissistic/difficult, so it is tricky for the OP to ask him for assistance. OP, I think you should ask…if he says no, well, you are in the same situation you are in, and then can apply for benefits to help you out.

You are struggling with mobility, illness and difficulty working.

He is a multimillionaire.

Only a grade A cunt would not help you out in that situation. Is he looking forward to it all going to the tax man?

Op is ill. Not everyone can work and that isn't a moral failure. Or do you have a sink or swim, trumpian view of the disabled.

Guys the bottom line is that yes, I can give up working - but I can't maintain my life style if I do.

I wouldn't go hungry, but I can't continue living like I do.

And that was honestly the question- should he help so I can maintain the way I live now ?

I won't be able to continue working for much longer, things are getting more and more difficult.

I do think it's a resounding no from here though that no one should help me.

Perhaps I would resent him less if he was just generally more decent.

Yes it is entitled and grabby. Adults don't have to give their children anything, its their money to do with what they want.

That sounds awful. My DS is 41 and I'm helping him a lot at the moment to buy his home. Of course I am he's my lovely DS.
I wouldn't ask my parents for a dime. They are very well off but such narcissists I could never ask them anything and stay well away.

Of course I would help my children. Being mean with money is a very poor trait to have. You can’t take it with you. I grew up with very giving parents though who taught me to be like this, and they are very generous. I’ve never once taken advantage of this but they have helped me from their own free will and desire to do so as parents. My DH can be stingy (not with me but with others) and I tell him it’s not good to be like that. Money does strange things to people, if you cling tightly to it it can warp you as it has done to your father.

Yabu a bit,
Parents do no favours to maintain their adult children. Maybe his values such. Or maybe he believes yuo are very able to manage. Perhaps he worked hard and thinks you should too. Ask him, he will always be able to say, well you never asked me, I am not a mind reader. Ask him for a loan and why … see if he gives. Do you have a history of needing financial help, some parents have a low tolerance for this after a while. Just ask him.

We don't know what lifestyle you have or want in the future,

money, money, yawn yawn.

I don know me real dad, but if he was minted or not any help i would apricated but id never expect him to help, but would be grateful if he did choose to help

Dad I am really struggling to work with my illness but if I give up work we can’t afford car, DC sports, music. Extra ciricluar can you help me? You aren’t being unreasonable

dad I am really struggling to work with my illness but if I give up work I’ll have to give up eating out twice a week, getting my nails done, having top end designer clothes. Then yes you are being unreasonable

so the context absolutely matters in this situation.

It really depends on what standard of living your expecting him to keep you in.

If your living an expensive lifestyle then no, I wouldn't expect my DP to keep me in that lifestyle because I've made that choice.

If I can no longer afford it for whatever reason, disability or otherwise then it's not someone else's responsibility to upkeep it.

You mention you've got siblings, so what happens if their circumstances change, loss of job, health... Whatever. Is your DF expected to fund them too?

FWIW, my DM is reasonably wealthy. I'm not. She wasn't handed it on a plate and I highly doubt she'll hand it to me

Hmmm. On the one hand, I find it difficult to understand why he doesn't lovingly and freely help you, and I could see why you resent that. I'm by no means super-rich, and both of my children are now in their 30s and fully independent, but I helped them as much as I could when they were younger, and gladly.

OTOH I don't know what your lifestyle is that you want to maintain. If it's a question of the occasional meal out, and a 2-week holiday each year, and not having to count the pennies at the end of every week to see if you can afford to put the heating on, then that's one thing. If your lifestyle is eating out many times a week, wearing designer clothes, and going on several foreign holidays a year, that's something different. I don't think it would be reasonable of you to imagine he would subsidise a lavish lifestyle, but I do think it's reasonable to be resentful that he doesn't want, of his own volition, to help you when you're sick so that you don't have to worry about money.

If her dad had nothing she’d have to cope
Maybe it would be worth her thinking of solutions out of this for herself.

There's a potentially a big difference between "being able to keep a decent roof over my head and clothe my kids" and "lifestyle" OP. I think you know that though.

I think a parent should help...but usually it's not even 'should' is they feel great pleasure in helping cause it's their children.
However, you keep mentioning the 'lifestyle' if that means drive a Mercedes instead of a Dacia....live in a 4 bed when a 2 bed is enough, or having takeaways every week rather then once a month...then that's not exactly the same. If you know that unfortunately you have a chronic disease that it will only get worse, you need to put a plan in place ASAP to see where you can save for the future.

Now, you already know what kind of father you have...so it's probably best to just forget and expect nothing...if he decides to help you take it.

Absolutely not entitled and grabby as others have suggested imho.
Parents shouldn’t have to support able children I agree…but he hasn’t helped while you were able has he? And now you’re not able and he won’t offer to help. I cannot imagine my children suffering and not doing all I could to help. I wouldn’t put myself at risk of financial instability for someone else’s poor money management or laziness but that’s not what we are talking about here is it!
In my world, that’s what family are for, to pool resources in times of adversity.
I know you don’t want to ask him and I understand but let’s just imagine for a minute that his narcissism was caused by poor parenting from his own parents. You both have to have your needs met…he needs to feel superior and you need financial support. I would ask him “at what point would you be comfortable stepping in to help me? I don’t want to be a burden to you but I do need to give up work and cant afford to”.

It was a stupid question then @grabbie because how can we guess how you live right now or what your current "life style" (sic) is.

Drama alert!!!! It's not a "resounding no that no one should help you". You've had a mix of responses and we are talking about your dad not helping you. Nobody else!

But everyone being against you makes for such a better narrative doesn't it?

I think it can be normal to be upset at the lack of help, especially when someone wouldn't be any real way worse off for helping you. But I also think it's his decision in the end.

My Grandad was very wealthy - owned a very successful business, had a massive bungalow with a swimming pool, multiple holidays each year etc.
He was also quite tight with his money and my Mum had multiple arguments with him - she rented, couldn't afford to drive, shopped for our clothes at charity shops etc and she was genuinely hurt that he wouldn't help her.
When he passed away, he left her £100 and left his new wife and her kids from a previous relationship everything else. It was millions.

The cheek of your update ^^

You still haven't said what lifestyle you want him to offer to facilitate.

Yes

There are of course plenty of people on and off mumsnet who will think he should help his adult child, but so what? That means precisely fuck all. The only thing that matters is whether he thinks he should, and apparently he doesn’t.

IMO you’re unreasonable to think you’re entitled to
money that isn’t yours. Don’t count on anything unless it’s in your name and/or in your hand.

OP, you say "if I want to keep the life I have". That's still terribly vague. Do you mean to want to carry on feeding the kids, having nice days out occasionally and making sure they have enough clothes and can go on school trips? Or do you mean you want to continue going on the 3 foreign holidays a year you're used to, keep your Daughter in twice weekly pony riding lessons and have all your manicures and highlights paid for? We have no idea whether him providing for the "life you have" would be fair and reasonable, or grabby.

Its perfectly reasonable we'd want this info to form an opinion but you seem peed off that people are daring to ask. You've already made your mind up that we'll all say you're out of order for wanting financial help so I really don't see the point in you asking. Shrug.